Half-Full

I have had a really interesting and exciting week since I last blogged.  I went to Iceland over the weekend and had a truly exhilarating time. There is no place like this that I have ever been to.

At times it was like being on the moon, or even another planet. Especially with a few sulphuric wafts that came our way from time to time. I also faced a fear and that is male locker room and showers.

One of Iceland’s top attractions is The Blue Lagoon and it is a must-see place. I did become anxious before going there because I did have a binder vest prepared but the thought of being in a changing room whereby you have to shower and where the men that were there were all topless did fill me with dread.

But on arriving at the Lagoon, you could hire bathrobes, so that was what I did.  Now I had my protector jacket I did skulk a bit in the changing room, changing in a toilet but did discover that there were some cubicles too as well, as with the showers there were some that were in cubicles.

I did at one point get a few odd looks for being in a vest but luckily a very tall man with a massive cock walked past me, and all attention went to that. It was massive (even though I haven’t seen that many close up) and I knew it wasn’t just me, as all the other men kept looking which for the most part men don’t do in these spaces, unless it’s a gay sauna I suppose.

So far from my experience in male spaces men hardly look at one another. If in the toilets they rarely make eye contact unless it’s a gay thing and then there seems to be a whole new different set of rules!

I was happy to face my fear, as I am determined that by this time next year I won’t have breasts any longer.  I can’t live with them anymore. As I have said numerous times, they are alien on me and don’t belong there.

I am happy with other aspects of my body (bar feeling a bit fat right now) but the breasts will be gone.  I have found a way to save for that surgery and I will be commencing that in 2012 as I had other things this year to pay off.

I am satisfied that I could do it myself and that whatever targets I set myself I have achieved.

There are some new goals that I am plotting out for next year and will see how fast I can get them done.

Amongst this and other feelings of late I am starting to feel a bit more positive in my outlook on life, which I am really relieved and happy about.

Yesterday I dealt with a bit of a prescription cock-up but learned that it’s best to not put trust in a third party when it comes to having medications sorted out or in my case my testosterone! Still I shall be collecting it today and will have it in my possession for Saturday which will be my third injection. 

I must commend the helpfulness of the people at my doctors surgery for being really quick and helpful. It’s so easy to moan about things but I think it’s important to give praise where it’s due as well.

I am excited as to what this next cycle will bring me, changes wise as there is definitely something starting with the T that is churning around in my system. I’m feeling more and more male that I am the person I have felt myself to be.

All that is left now is for this to continue, I want my voice to break and more facial hair to grow and my breasts to be gone.

In January after my legal birthday I shall start doing my application for my GRC. That way all my legal side of things will be concluded. I’m also planning on starting an intense training regime that will be complimentary to having surgery later on in the year and will help me sculpt some of my chest pre-surgery.

Things in me are starting to settle yet I know I have more hormonal waves to ride. Yet life will always be something subject to a series of changes.

If anything we all are in a state of transition in one way, shape or form. Someone could have a new job, a baby, new house or just learning something new and altering their old life.

We only get one life, so I don’t see the point in living it whereby one is miserable or not doing what they actually want to do (within reason). I also feel a sense of relief that I have done things that are true to my heart and who I am rather than feel trapped in a life that isn’t my own.

Hurry Up and Wait...

I am awash with excitement right now. After a weekend of a lot of chilling I have found a few discoveries which can help for phase three of my transition.

Also I can't help but be amused at the irony of some of this.

Potentially I may have found a surgeon in France to do my chest surgery that is very affordable and I have seen photographs of his work and the chests I have looked at so far look great. It also helps that I know one of the people so can verify that the work isn't just any old photo that has been cut and pasted up on the internet.

The amusement comes in the form that the place is near Toulouse - which I can't think if a better place to go to literally lose my breasts.

In some of my grim days I have joked about wanting to put my breasts in a guillotine to remove them, so if I end up in France for surgery I suppose that wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Cost wise it also looks like I would be able to afford to do this next year which is a great step forward.  My only stipulation for my surgery is finding a convinient time but also having it done before I am 30. I am turning 28 soon and also have been binding for over 2 years now so am reaching the stage where I have had enough.

It's also not good for my body to be compressed as much as it is.

I am a strong chap but still all these layers and the female torso doesn't belong there. Knowing that potentially I have an option to change this pleases me greatly. That combined with the fact that I might also be able to have surgery on the NHS. I have a second appointment with Charing Cross in January so will start some of the discussions then and evaluate what my options are.

This is exciting stuff and I am pleased that things are progressing on that front.

As this year draws to a halt, it also means that the start of 2012 means that other doors will be opened to me.  I can do my Gender Reassignment Certificate application because I was told I would fit the criteria for that by then and so I shall.

I would like a new birth certificate and if I do marry one day then I know I can do so in the way I want to, but would rather have any documentation like that done so that there won't be a feeling that there is anything blocking my access to do so and therefore to remove any potential stress or pressure from what is already a life-changing thing.

Still that won't be something happening for a long time.

I hope I do one day as that has been my dream since I was very small, but like all things sometimes certain desires can change too.

For example since spending more time with The Boychild, I have re-evaluated my thoughts about having a child of my own. I really don't know if I could or would want that.

I love having him but I do like handing him back too. 

Since I have been born the thought of being pregnant has made me feel physically ill. It's just never been something up for negotiation. But now I am not sure if I could handle being a parent 24/7.  I really admire people who do and I have an extra appreciation for single parents.

I was brought up by a single Mum and she did for the first years of my life really have to sacrifice everything. There wasn't a merry band of happy elves who would give her time to herself.  In fact quite the opposite.  Being in 1980s Thatcherite Britain wasn't nice if you were unmarried and on your own.

My Mother has never acted in a 'woe is me' kind of way in regard to being a single parent.  On telling my biological father that she was pregnant with me he announced that he was leaving to go to America. She never saw him again after the day came that he handed her half a packet of cigarettes and twenty quid.

So she would never say he left her with nothing.

He didn't want to be a Father and she wanted to be a Mother and she just got on with it as best she could.  It also helped that my Mum has always had a slightly off the wall way of living.  She is a bit of a hedonist and does live for the moment and will always say and believe that everything would be fine.

I do admire that in her.

I don't have that way of letting go.  I have to plan and think of everything ahead of me otherwise I end up feeling riddled with anxiety. But then these are our differences.

I have had some elements of experience of some form of Fatherly figure, but not until I was in my early twenties when she met A.

I still see A, and I do miss them being together but for various reasons they are not and I accept that.

Not all relationships work out and that is life.

It was nice feeling for a while that we were part of a family pod. Whenever Christmas was coming I would feel excited and this year I am getting excited but it feels odd.  I miss going away to the snow most years and making a feast and watching a James Bond film.

It is those simple traditions.  Although there were underlying tensions appearing last year it was one of the best Chritmasses ever and the worst for what happened after.  Never the less shit hapens but there are many wonderful memories that are cool and I will hang on to that.

He is the only person I have ever wanted to call Dad and will always regard him in that way. Things are now just a bit odd now he and my Mum are no longer together. 

2010 for me was a really eye opening year and brought me lots of love and energy to push things on transition wise.

2011 has been a very interesting year but am glad to see the back of it.

2012 I seem to have plans happening before it's even started so will be interested to see what is happening and where I am at this time next year.

Other

Sometimes there is a song that illustrates how one can feel where the lyrics really talk to you.  In this case The Killers have spoken to me right now.

For Reasons Unknown

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognise you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

If one song could symbolise how I feel about my transition and body then this song would be it.  Only there were no unknown reasons but just needing to have the guts to be the person that I actually am.

I don't consider myself brave for transitioning.  I just see it as a case of being honest. If being true to one's self is considered to be a truly brave act then I despair slightly.  I also wonder what does that say about society if in effect we are living lives based around expectations of a peer group or if we will be controlled by other people's crap?

The part of the body that needs a purity about it is the heart.  Once self-acceptance starts and honesty with one's self can there be the potential for someone to love the person they are. This may sound a bit hippy-dippy and when I started writing this post it was the middle of the night.

My point is, without honesty we can never love in the purest sense of the word. This is why we tend to love babies and small people instantly as they are untainted by other people's crap.  Nor have they become worn down by the lack of humanity that sometimes crosses our paths.

For those who can't fathom this concept then I suggest you step out of whatever bubble you have been inhabiting.

Right now I know that things aren't as rosy as they could be.  Winter is setting in and there are things that need doing. It is a feeling of pressure that is starting to build up on me but also I am under personal pressure myself.

Once my To-Do list is completed or mini goals I set myself are finished then I know I will feel happy. It's just a case of getting it done

In terms of my transition I have a few things I really need to work on. I look up to people like Buck Angel and feel so inspired and in awe that people like him have progressed. They have had their top surgery, they look after their bodies and have a wonderful attitude.

A lot of people like to bash Buck but if it wasn't for him, he was one of the first people to provide visibility for people like me.  When I say 'like me' I am meaning people that are comfortable to be men that have vaginas and don't feel adverse to it being there.

I don't expect people to understand easily but at the same time it does help if people try and keep an open mind. I have started to feel slightly worn down by binary attitudes. It was pointed out to me that living as I do provides me with an opportunity to challenge people's views.

I get that.  But at the same time I sometimes feel exhausted at having to explain things to people so that they feel more comfortable. That is why there are spaces that I don't want to go near anymore as I don't want to make myself a target or be in a position whereby people feel offended.

Some of the issue in this is how people deal with what they perceive as Otherness.

This is something that doesn't just relate to gender but many other things too. Why is it that people have such a sheep mentality sometimes and if confronted by something that is a bit different why all the hostility?

Luckily I do know quite a few people who don't behave like that and if something is a bit different they might ask questions so that they build a better understanding and they have a genuine curiosity about something they aren't familiar with.

I see this mentality as far more positive and progressive and will unite people rather than segregate them.

To separate is sometimes done for protection and I understand that need, but at the same time could it not be argued that living in permanent separation means that a sense of equality will be harder to reach?

I'm saying some of this because I do have a slight debate happening in my mind right now and that is what spaces can I enter which means I still feel and support being queer?

Just because I have a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a straight man.  Even though I look male, ID as male and legally am now male. I get that I would be easily perceived as 'hetro'. When in reality I am far from that.

I am proud to be queer and feel that since I have transitioned I have embraced a queer side that is encapsulating and is comfortable to me. I feel it provides me with a lack of borders that enables me to explore and embrace the sides of my personality more flexibly than if I was gay or straight.

It allows room for otherness.


The only things that block this is how aware people are about the concept of otherness and queer when not in a place that is a cosmopolitan utopia. Say what we like about big cities but there will be a place for people to go without feeling completely isolated.

The world is never going to be a great big caring, sharing or accepting type of place, but things can always get better.

London for all is faults may have some bad sides to it but at least I can live my life with the right levels of support that I need.  It is easier to obtain access to things here than it would be in other parts of the country and even the world.

I never forget or lose sight of that because in many ways it's always easier to focus on what we haven't got rather than looking at what we do have.

Fundamentally one thing I am fast learning as I transition is how to be comfortable and accepting not just with the rest of society but with myself. The fact is is you are a bit alternative to the mainstream then sometimes there will be the odd tension.

Still I would rather have this tension and know that I am in a position whereby I am loved and supported and have allies at hand if need be rather than feeling isolated and stuck somewhere. That would be my idea of hell.

I recently started to feel a stage where I was mourning for some of my old life. Or a part of me that fitted in.  Even though internally I never fitted, but externally and gender wise I was enabled to be accepted and carried by a community because I hadn't come to terms with who I actually was.

For a long time I was comfortable with being a lesbian, I liked having sex with women, I liked having a girlfriend and I liked that our relationship wasn't hetero. At the same time I knew there was something that was missing.  I felt odd.

I knew I was a boy that was attracted to lesbians and wanted to look like a gay man.

I did think that was a bit odd but never repressed it.  The older I got the more I knew that these feelings weren't going away. I didn't want them to go away either. I knew that organically if things were to change or if I was to make any decisions that the right time and situation(s) would come about and so far this has worked out well.

I now apply this to all other areas of life too and not just with my transition.

Tick-Tock

I haven’t started listening to Ke$ha continually, so please don’t get worried about the title of this post.

But right now I feel I am stuck in the void somewhere living yet not living if that makes sense. But there is a lot happening in my mind right now.

Sometimes I wake up at night and feel that I have a bag of rocks sitting on my chest. But then this is how this year has been for the most part.  As soon as one piece of crap ends there is usually something else.

This whole process is starting to make me numb. I also feel that the T is making me a bit more numb in some places. I’m finding myself feeling less emotionally attached to certain situations which in some ways is liberating (as I was a bit over sensitive before) but creates another feeling of being slightly set apart from other situations and people in some respects.

I see a counsellor every two weeks and I am really relieved that I do so, particularly as this as provided me with a safe outlet in order to discuss certain feelings and situations that I leave outside of this blog.

It’s a relief knowing that I can go somewhere and say what I like without the fear or having to consider how someone else feels in regard to what I might say. I try and be considerate to others where I can as I don’t like conflict and I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.

Yet I hate feeling pressured in situations whereby I feel that I have to edit myself.  No-one makes me feel this way but it’s how I end up feeling.

But right now I am slightly frustrated. My life has become subject to a series of waiting.  2011 has been spent in chunks of waiting for various situations to end or be patient and wait for things to get better.

It is just bad coincidences but this has started to exhaust me. It’s put me in a position whereby I feel I have to be ready to fight or be prepared for some other battle.

I am not seeking to blame any avenue either but it is just the way things have gone.

Despite some of this negativity there are some positives to note as well. 

My periods appear to have stopped.  I should have bled almost 3 weeks ago but still nothing.  I am relieved about this but at the same time it feels odd.  I feel there is some progress in stepping away from the old person I was.

It is a slightly surreal feeling too, when you get used to a body operating in a certain way for 27 years and now it’s unrecognisable physically in some places and internally. My bladder operates in a slightly different way now too in the way that my pee has changed to which I will be seeing the doctor about.

None of this freaks me out though, but I am starting to try and adjust to having a new body.

I am definitely stepping further away from my old life and in some ways I feel that I am now experiencing other things relating to that.

Some connections I have had with people feel a lot different.  I feel further from the women’s community – not just for obvious reasons but in some ways I think it is boiling down to politics.

Yet within those politics is a grey area.  I don’t identify as a straight man nor will I ever be a straight man.  But I have a girlfriend and I used to have a lot of lesbian friends.

Now some of the friends I would say have turned more into acquaintances.  Partly down to life but some of this feeling is definitely down to the fact that I now identify as male. 

Some people I know don’t have men in their lives or very close in their social circles.  That is absolutely fine as that is what people are comfortable with.

It has also been a good lesson for me to start learning now as well.

Not everyone understands nor is comfortable with having a male friend or even a transgendered male friend.

Doesn’t make someone prejudiced as such but people will always have preferences.

There are certain personality types that I am more drawn towards.  I like people that are no bullshit, bold and passionate about who they are and aren’t easily swayed by a majority.

I’m never going to fit in complacently to the rest of society. Even at school I was never the kid who could just do like everyone else did.  Not for the sake of rebellion but because I was nothing like everyone else.

Same happened at uni.  I didn’t intentionally set out to be subversive for the sake of it, but it’s just the way things went.

I feel sometimes I live too honest a life at times and that is why I will have a lot of occasions in life whereby I will feel lonely or perhaps be invited to things when people have been primed.

But this isn’t always the case I hasten to add.

There are a few people who really understand me and care about me so that offers me some sense of hope.

I just feel drained right now so have a less positive outlook on life.

I need to make more changes soon and certain things I have accepted but there are a few things that I am not sure about.  I don’t feel that I have a clear answer on a couple of things and therefore it’s hard to make a decision based on feeling confused.

I need to find comfort soon and a sense of security.  Right now some aspects of that are thin on the ground.

I know what I need to do to function and on that level I am functioning very well.  When it comes to feeling I am living in a successful way then that is up for debate.

I have high standards and I feel I need to have some element of space to really create and actualise something really great without being weighed down by situations or other people’s bullshit.

I will get there as I refuse to feel beaten by feeling weighed down right now.

I now I can be positive and I try my best to do so.  There are a few things that are constants for me right now and fortunately the Boychild is one of them.  Being around him makes me realise that life is worth exploring and that it is valuble to learn something new everyday and to live.

It’s also so touching to see how much love surrounds him and how willing people are to be loving towards him. It reminds me that the whole world isn’t just populated with selfish arseholes.

But to be fair if you meet him your heart literally melts.  Even if he has just produced something in his nappy that should have a biohazard sticker plastered on the back.

Divers*itty

Diversity, by sound and definition suggests accepting and respecting an individuals’ difference and acknowledgement that they hold a valid place in society. Or so we are led to believe.

I have noticed in politically correct documentation or even in debates and the workplace that word ‘diversity’ pops up whenever some guilt deriving from privilege of some description appears to be riding high.  OK maybe I am generalising slightly, or perhaps a lot, but my point is that word is being bandied about more and more.

My issue with it is that for the most part I feel it is a lie.

Not everyone is as open minded, welcoming or even accepting as they want to be or just are. As people we do have preferences and our own ideas as to what is right and wrong and what is normal.

These differences have always been in place. Society and people’s attitudes work in funny ways.

There will always be prejudiced people within society and our confines. This is something I am discovering the more I transition. For example there are some lesbians that only want to be friends with lesbians or mix within spaces that are clearly defined as women only. I respect this.  But now I have accepted and learned that this now means that this world I am no longer a part of. Even though I was one and part of me feels some connection there still.

Yes I chose to transition but I have done so to be honest with myself. Being called a ‘woman’ just never quite worked for me. In the same way as being called ‘straight’ wouldn’t feel natural to someone else.

But what I don’t appreciate is a feeling that because I am male that it is assumed that I will have the worst attributes of male behaviour. I was a feminist before I transitioned and I feel I am a feminist now.

Only, according to some groups and people it is assumed that I have opted to “embrace a life of privilege” by choosing to transition. This I have a problem with – the assumption and projection of someone else’s hang-ups.

I know in my heart and head why I chose to transition and it wasn’t so I could shower myself in any additional privilege.

Lately I feel I have hit my limit of being treated like I am in some ways an enemy or a freak just because I live a life that is a bit different to others. I refuse to be disrespected or to be a target based on someone else’s issues or lack of understanding and awareness.

I don’t condemn people who live a life that doesn’t match with my set of values. I try and accept differences that people have to mine and I try to be respectful to other people. It’s a shame that a similar sense of courtesy doesn’t always cut both ways. In that instance I would consider myself slightly naïve.

I’m not expecting people to be extra nice towards me just because I am transitioning. But what I don’t appreciate is having to put up with other people’s shit based on how someone transitioning makes them feel. Or their own comfort levels at a disregard and disrespect to who I am.

As I think I have touched on before, my transition isn’t about anyone else. For me, it’s about living a life that is honest and true to myself.

In my other life I was miserable and felt that there was something missing. It was deeply empowering and liberating to discover that I could finally be happy and be the person I felt I have always been.  Only biology and the law were the things working against that. Now I have male hormones in my body, my periods appeared to have stopped and legally I am male according to my passport and official documents. So there isn’t much about me nowadays that isn’t ‘real’ if I am to be implied as being a fraud.

I hate lying.  It’s something that I never like to intentionally do.  I also didn’t transition because it’s trendy or because I had an issue with being a butch woman.

Cheap insults such as “You’ll never be a real man” or “it’s not normal” seem to be based around other people’s hang-ups.

That I can handle more easily than assumption that I will be a badly behaved man.

I find that massively insulting.  Especially when I have seen really misogynistic behaviour displayed by all genders.

I am not disputing that there aren’t misogynistic men out there because there are.  Women have been oppressed by men for centuries and I am not saying that is right at all because it isn’t.  But at the same time there are men out there that aren’t like that and do respect women.

It is unfair to assume that ALL men will behave like that or think it’s ok to behave in that way. But at the same time it is unrealistic to expect that someone of male gender should in effect spend their entire life apologising for being the gender that they are. Because of the actions of certain men that have behaved in a particular way

.

I was under the impression that overall we are all individuals and therefore it is a choice as to how we choose to behave?

People have to take responsibility for their own actions and hiding behind a group or an entity is weak in my opinion. We all have a choice as to how we behave and conduct ourselves.

If I’m offensive towards someone it would be because I am being rude not because of my gender or sexuality.

Especially as I see that this is how we should respond given the society we now live in.  We should know what is right and what is wrong in certain situations.

Most people know that it is wrong to be racist, sexist, homophobic or ignorant to people of other religions.  The same should apply to anything, which signifies a difference to one another.

I wish more people would take responsibility for their behaviour and own their own shit outright.

But then not everyone wants this, and this is what can be a bit of a bitter pill to swallow.

Half-Time

I have 5 weeks to go until I have my next shot.  I don’t feel that I ‘need’ another shot right away but I do feel like something is missing.  Right now my hormone levels feel somewhat confused anyway.  I should have come on my period by now, but I haven’t.   Instead I feel very pre-menstrual and tired.

The feeling of female hormones trying to do their job is a bit confusing. I alternate between feeling the new feelings in my system to what were my old emotional patterns making a cameo appearance.

There are also other changes taking place.  Parts of me are getting broader and more solid. I have paranoia that I am getting fat.  I feel that I don’t know my body anymore and fortunately people tell me I look good, which is affirming that this is a good change.  I know that I am still getting used to it.

I used to be big (as in overweight) and in getting used to having a new body from that, having a body change again that changes the shape is a bit confusing for my brain to handle.

I still see the heavier version of me looking back in the mirror. I don’t see my new shape so well, nor can I relate to how this new body works.

Having had negative self-image issues for a while now I can’t stand where some of my feelings are veering towards.

It’s not all bleak but I know I need to keep working hard to stay trim and to work to keep a body shape that I am comfortable with. I definitely intend to keep my physical exercise levels high, not just for health benefits but also one side effect of not smoking every day and the T is that I am a lot hungrier than I used to be. 

As a point of common sense it is worth my while to exercise more. That way I know I have done something rather than nothing to try and keep the body shape that I want. With time I know that I can keep to working on my goals.

I also have a lot of thoughts in a working capacity on my mind right now. There are things I am actualising there too.

But right now I don’t know if it’s the change of season kicking in or other recent events (that I am leaving out of this blog) but I feel exhausted. I have fantasies of eating a massive bowl of soup and then falling asleep in a cave and not emerging until March.

In reality that won’t happen, but time is flying by and my feet don’t appear to be touching the ground any longer. I feel that I have wings strapped to my back but I don’t know where to go next, so currently I am hovering and waiting. Whilst wanting something but I don’t know what.

During this wait for what feels like an epiphany I can feel something dying inside of me right now.

In some ways I think I am a little bit sad at the moment, only I don’t cry, nor really want to and I feel now that it is harder to express myself in the ways that I used to.

Perhaps it is down to hormones, but at the same time I don’t want to put everything down to that, as that would be too easy. Some of this is definitely me changing too. As is my desire for quiet and near silence.

Only if a sound is meant to be loud or from a baby then I seem to have compassion or tolerance for it. Otherwise my mind switches to wanting whatever it is to shut the f*ck up.

I’m still feeling pretty much with everything right now that I am on my way to a party rather than being there. This involves my work too.

It’s all about preparation for this, that or the other.

Future thoughts, thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year.  It’s great in theory.  It offers some security. My only gripe is that I don’t feel that I am living for now.

Everything I do is almost like completing a To-Do list. It’s about slots and then time running out. The time left to enjoy that moment seems to evaporate rapidly.

I say this as I don’t feel much like I am ‘me’ right now but someone who is acting as a spectator of other people’s lives. The sad thing is my internal silence is making me feel more and more at a distance from people.

Particularly as I don’t feel I can articulate so much what I do want or what I would like to do. My thoughts have become set into what is happening next. I know it’s just a phase I am going through but I want to stop floating.

I also want to feel that I can speak and express myself without feeling some sort of blockage. It’s a strange tension that has started to emerge, especially when for the most part I am surrounded by people in which I can talk freely with and they listen without judgement.

But it must be said I do like seeing my counsellor too. I feel I have a channel that is completely safe and won’t leave me feeling that I have to take other people’s feelings into account or worry that I might sound like I am moaning too much or might say something that will offend.

Especially as my sense of tact right now I feel isn’t as good as it usually is. Yet sometimes it is an awkward position to wanting to express what it is I feel yet not run the risk of offending someone.

Yet I have become tired of feeling that the first compromises in many situations have to come from me. Compromise is an important part of life and is a key step in creating sustainable harmony. But sometimes I feel that I over-compromise. If such a thing exists, especially when it seems that everyone around me gets their needs met or gets what they want out of life, but I have to do a lot of things to fit in with what everyone else wants or needs.

Still these are some of my feelings, I am hoping to make sense soon. Failing that there’s always Christmas or some other anti-climax to pin these hopes upon.

Armistice

Over the last few days I have had many things on my mind, and even from my last blog post and some of the comments that I read on my facebook page has given me a few things to think about.

Firstly, I will try not to write a blog entry when really pissed off. As certain points might not be articulated in quite the way I intended them to. Also one or two things said in heat of the moment might in fact inflame a situation further.

I consider myself a peaceful person, so within that I don’t actually go out of  my way to upset of offend people.  I also remember that everyone can interpret things differently and not all the time will people have understanding.  Especially when certain things will never be a reality for an individual.

But I am sure people may have experienced similar situations, or not as the case may be. This is the way life goes. Interpretation is always going to be subject to some form of debate as people react to things differently and understanding can vary based on what someone’s experience of something is.

Since starting my transition everything has become a learning curve and I have found ways of doing it that works well for me. But within that context what has worked for me, might not be what someone else who was transitioning would want.

The fact is everyone (in transition) will interpret their transition in a different way to one another because in essence it is an individual and rather solitary process. For that reason I think this is part of the reason why people’s needs can vary as well as there being a situation which means that what works for one person won’t work for all.

Without this sounding dramatic or woe is me (as this really isn’t the case) people that are transgender are in a minority so therefore there will be situations that aren’t so clear cut in terms of spaces being available to them as well as the question of is it appropriate for them to be there?

When there is a grey area then it’s not so clear cut is it?

Since being in transition this is something I have been discovering more and more. I have started learning how to socialise differently as in many ways I am not a lesbian anymore. Due to the fact I identify as male and legally I am male now. Although I am still female bodied, as I haven’t had any surgery yet.

If anything I identify as queer, as that I think fits best as to who I am if I was forced to label myself.

I’m never going to be a straight man. Nor would I ever want to be that. If anything I love it when I’m out and people think I am a gay man. But I can see why people wouldn’t get this if I am holding my girlfriend’s hand or if she is kissing me!

Still, no matter how odd that might sound to the outside world, it works for us which I think is the most important part.

It isn’t a deliberate act, but I never did quite master how to fit solidly into one side or the other. But to be fair sometimes life doesn’t work like that.

The fact is I am getting what I want out of life for the most part.  I pass more and more, my voice is deepening and I am definitely getting closer to feeling that I am the person I have always been inside, but the difference is that physically I am starting to look like that person and will be taking more steps towards that.

If I feel that a situation isn’t right for me or makes me unhappy then I look into solutions. So that I don’t end up feeling trapped or miserable. I can’t stand whinging about situations (or listening to other people whinging about situations) where nothing has been done to try and remedy it. 

Still, these have been some of the things I have been learning. It has been great having a varied network of friends too, as this has enabled me to get many different perspectives in what feels like self-imposed chaos.

Changes are happening all the time right now and now the hormones are in full sing I sometimes feel a bit lost.  Although I am enjoying the changes taking place I am still adjusting to feeling that I am a guest where my body is concerned.

For the past 26 years I have been used to it working in a particular way. Now its all changing with the hormones, but at the same time it is fascinating too. I feel like a guest in my own body some of the time.

In a similar way, whenever I see the Boychild, he seems to be a bit different or has changed in some way. But each change is amazing to behold as it happens so quickly.

I remember when he was a little bundle and now he can stand, hold things and almost walk and talk and he is only 7 months! 

In a strange juxtaposition, I will be intrigued to see what has changed in myself when I would have been on hormones for 7 months. It isn’t so long to go and already I am starting to feel that there is a new raft of things waiting to happen with time.

My next injection isn’t until nearly the end of November so that does give me around six weeks…so now I am experiencing what it’s like to be halfway through one of my dosages.

To begin with, Nebido shots happen with a first shot, then six weeks later there is another shot and then after that the next ones happen every 12 weeks.

I don’t feel that I am missing anything, but I do find it interesting that on some days I feel that there is something releasing in me and other days I feel there isn’t much happening. It is swings and roundabouts where that is concerned.

But something I am starting to get used to as my body recognises some of what is going on.

I am looking forward to my periods stopping as I find them confusing if anything.  Especially because of the resulting PMT I sometimes get, as I don’t recognise it as that anymore.

Now I know when I am due on and its because I usually see an old lady on her own in a supermarket and for some reason it makes me want to cry. Yesterday I saw a woman who had no legs in a wheelchair and I felt really emotional about it.

Before I would have had watery eyes, but this time I didn’t. The T is definitely helping me to cry less, but it also makes me struggle to sometimes feel that I can talk about things easily.

I feel myself starting to get quieter.  In social situations I don’t always have the desire to speak any more. Even in my house that I live in, I don’t want to talk to many people a lot of the time.

But then some of that also boils down to the fact that sometimes people are loud, if they happen to have just been shouting or being really loud then I won’t be in a hurry to speak to them and sometimes I like to be in near silence.

I’m also feeling it when out as well.

But then there are people I am very familiar with I love talking to.  Perhaps some of this is about comfort.

Given that I used to live alone and now I am in a houseshare that is fairly large, I think some of my levels of comfort have changed. I did choose this but it is something I am still adjusting to.

Like anything that is a change, it will take some getting used to.

Followed by that other thing my life seems to revolve around…patience!