Waiting For The Break

My voice is deepening a lot at the moment which is really nice.  I am not squeaking half as much as I thought I would and if I have the odd moment i do find it funny so all in all that is a bit of a relief.

The only discomforts at the moment is that I keep feeling my throat being really scratchy but luckily I don't seem to have any glands raised or any indicators that this is what it is, but I could be wrong. I just don't want to get ill right before my birthday as that would really suck .

But I will keep having lemsip as a precaution as I recently had antibiotics so might have weakened my immune system. I have a felt more run down but can't work out of it's the T or if it's just this time of year.  I had some hairs growing a bit more on my arms last week and found my arm really hurt from where coarser hair was trying to come through, but that made me feel a bit like a wimp.  Oh and my right arm keeps getting pins and needles and my hand goes numb.

I think I might have knocked something though.

Either ways things will rectify themselves and my body is craving rest more than anything else only there is a lot to do.

Christmas and New Year were amazing and being in Japan was wonderful but I feel since the middle of December I have just been go-go-go-go and I feel really tired sometimes.  Still I will get some rest soon and am taking whatever rest I can at the moment in the interim as well as making sure stuff gets done that needs doing.

I am also taking as much mental space as I can.  I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I have my Charing Cross appointment next week which is now starting to weigh on my mind, as those kinds of appointments always make me wobble a bit. 

I hate feeling like I have to prove myself to medical professionals and that what I need relies on them.  I hate relying on anyone. It's a strange feeling that consumes me sometimes but I hate feeling that I need anyone.

I am aware that I am a bit strange sometimes.

For example I spend a good chunk of my life avoiding relationships, yet at the same time I want to marry one day and when in a relationship I will quite often be in one for quite a significant period of time. When in one I will want to be committed, ideally live with the person and have a nice harmony, still manage to balance off seeing someone regularly with managing to date them like we first met each other...well that's my ideal.

I have been with E now for coming up to 2 years. I've never had a relationship go past two years really so would like to find a way of making it last and maintaining mutual happiness, and experiencing longevity.

I see people that marry or want to marry and seem to have that harmony formula sorted and don't seem to worry like I do.  But then I do recon some people have similar anxieties, only they don't seem to talk about it.

Relationships do consume a lot of my thoughts.  I like to feel close to people I care about and feel that they want to be close to me. Hence why fluctuations in a relationship with someone that is a friend or family can feel really horrible sometimes. I used to feel really unsettled by it but now I feel better at not feeling so awful if something isn't what it was. 

I find it's best to make the most of what is happening currently and to look after and nurture relationships and friendships but sometimes things change and that isn't such a bad thing.

in 2009 when I started transitioning I made a deal with myself and that was not to be scared about facing things in life.  So far it has gone well.  I don't feel that things scare me as much as they used to and I sometimes feel a bit freaked out or weirded out by certain situations but I refuse to freeze.

If I stop in that type of situation then anxiety or negativity wins.

Still the more toward the end of my twenties I come the more confident I am becoming.  Even if it feels like its happening in mini steps.

Miss Leng Leng Returns!

She seems to have made a triumphant return to my prescriptions this week.  With not one more thing dispensed to that name but three.

I felt like something above me was mocking me and having a good old laugh at the same time.

Miss Leng Leng...the sheer name and stance of it is enough to make me feel repulsed from the inside.  Yes I used the word repulsed because the side of me that thought it was funny is now starting to feel less enthused by this fuck up.

Yet the comedy name has its uses and seems to generate a few laughs and awareness to what a screwed situation this is.

What bores me about this is knowing that it's all about waiting and some department having the right form, the right box ticked before commencing a next stage in being able to safely categorise me so that way I can continue my life as smoothly and peacefully as I can.

This is what I hope.

Otherwise I think I shall invest in some ping pong balls and suck it up and spit it out in my own special way. Perhaps in the realm of my fantasies but nevertheless this will be acted out somewhere.

My sense of humor will return soon enough too once I lift out of whatever mood I'm in.  I say this as I write this my mood has dipped a bit from what it has been the last few days. I don't feel that some aspects of my life seem to want to work in my favor right now at all and I am in a situation (not related to Miss Leng Leng) where I would just like there to sometimes be a bit of let up or space for me to be and express myself without some obstacle getting in the way.

I feel a mixture of all sorts.  Some of this is because my pre-birthday freak out is looming.  I didn't like my birthday much last year for various reasons and this year I am feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing.  I feel very torn about a number of things right now and I know that the only person who can pull me out of this is myself.

I know once it comes I will feel fine but in the meantime I have to ride this out.  Especially as the only person who can help me right now is me.  Even if other people could help I don't want to rely on other people.

My mind blip and slight anguish will pass.  The nagging feelings of things I need to do and things I want to be will get done by the time I am 30.  Only there is a side of me that wants to feel a level of accomplishment with one or two personal goals now.

Instead of achieving it I feel slightly frozen right now, paralysed by the sheer thoughts that are swirling around in my head right now.

A little switch off is required and will happen.  Rebalance will occur and all shall be right again, I know it I just need the process to happen.

I have that next appointment on my mind too.  I know I will get what I need form the service and I am in a position where I will be able to weigh up a few more options, yet there is a part of me that feels slightly concerned that they will reject something I need.

Given the stage I am at in my T cycle right now has left me feeling quite lethargic both physically and emotionally and right now I feel awful.  I don't feel very loved or special and I know rationally that this isn;t the case but it doesn't stop these feelings and therefore the added extra annoyance of feeling lonely yet rationally I live in a house of six people.

I see people every day.

I hear them, I talk to them yet I still feel lonely.

In terms of my immediate goals that I want to achieve I have a website to get up. More projects to make. Have the Birthday.  Get next shot. Apply for GRC. Continue paperchase with NHS to get proper name on everything.

Long term I want to find a way of pulling myself out of dippy moods ideally before they happen and learn to frown less.

Lost in Translation

Happy New Year!

I never thought I would be sat in a hotel room in Japan writing a blog post but here we are.

I like the surprises that life can throw our way - well as long as it's positive.  Curve balls that are more like cannon balls I think I have had my fair share of.

New Year has arrived and with that are the usual thoughts, surrounding thoughts, dreams goals and how to make them into actions.

This New Year's Eve was spent in a very serene way.  E and I went to a small shrine near our hotel in Shinjuku, Tokyo and were surrounded by strangers and people around the temple. There were food stalls with street foods consisting of noodles, soup, beef curry and Octopus balls - which I had some of.

The countdown happened very quietly then we heard a lot of excited cheers and then people smiling and squeaking and it was then we knew that Midnight had happened.

This time last year E and I were in New York, well Brooklyn to be precise.  After a nice dinner near Bowery we went back and watched some of the fireworks and then revelled in the energy of night.

In Tokyo it was the peacefulness that we both appreciated.

I am still slightly in shock that I am here in Japan as since I was a child I wanted to come here. The people are wonderful over here, I really like how polite and how beautifully they do things.

For example just a simple lunch will always be presented beautifully.  There is a charming way in which a receipt will be delivered to you as well as how you are handed your change.

But more gobsmacking is the architecture - new and old. Tokyo has a plethora of neon and makes you feel that you are in the future.  Whereas Kyoto has an oldness about it that makes your jaw hit the floor.

The thing I have been enjoying most has been the food. I love Japanese food and have found that living on the noodle soups they have here has been just the thing for winter. 

I don't crave potatoes, I don't want curry I just want clean soup.
Especially dark, salty consomme esq broths with udon or soba floating in there.  Especially with a few flecks of greens or some tofu, or some ebi tempura...

or just some plain miso or a ramen that makes you realise that Wagamama serves you dishwater in comparison.

The broth here knocks the s*it out of what you get in England.

We did go for sushi last night and that was incredible. We watched as the sushi chefs greeted people loudly and cheered as people arrived and left.  We selected what we wanted from a convenient picture menu and a few minutes later our little feasts arrived.


I did feel slightly nervous about eating sushi right in front of the chef but I seemed to be doing all the right things.  From a sushi making course I did I remembered everything my teachers told me about the correct way of eating sushi and before I took my first piece of nigiri in my chopsticks I found myself almost mechanically remembering everything we had been told.

So to start with I began with the Tomago - and it was sweet yet slightly savory...so far so good.  I then worked on to the squid which I usually can't stand but now I get why you can eat it raw. The Tuna was the best I've ever had, it literally melted, as did everything else. 

I also liked that here you can get tofu skin in food and that too is a lovely texture and delicate flavour.

Amidst this I was cautious not to dip the rice in the soy sauce, nor to load the dish with loads of wasabi (I didn't put any last night) and from the chef's glances and smiles and thumbs up I gathered I was eating it all correctly.

E had sashimi so she got the slightly easier end of the bargain!

it was a joy to be sat in a place buzzing with atmosphere.  This was our first sushi experience in Japan and one of my happiest sushi memories so far.

On Friday it is E's Birthday and aside my mini freak out as to what sort of gift to give her. I say this because she surprised me on Christmas day with the flights to Japan - but she assured me that this was a combined gift as Christmas, Birthday and our 2 year anniversary have all come together pretty much  at once. 

Still I don't see this as a competition or tit-for-tat situation but at the same time I know that a bag of wasabi peranuts isn't going to be a great way to show gratitude...no matter how good they taste!

Still I have managed to find some little bits that are thoughful and I know she will like and in between  writing this am hunting for an exciting restaurant to go to for her birthday.  I know the right thing will appear and it will also be special as its our last night in Tokyo.

We will be staying in Ueno so getting a link back for Narita will be not too difficult.

The hardest thing will be leaving for the airport...E and I have both started feeling a bit sad that we are leaving.

Still in UK there are lots of things to look forward to and more importantly things that need to be done.  I have a website to launch as well as have my second Charing Cross appointment.  As chest surgery is needed to be sorted out this year.



On the day of my Charing Cross appointment also marks exactly six months on T. To which I shall mark in solitude with a nice coffee and a cake from Ottolenghi.  His cakes are wonderful but I only want one of his because he is handsome and my inner gay boy fancies him.

Otherwise I would bake a cake but then I don't want to get fat or be accused of making everyone else fat around me either.  Especially when January is diet month for most.

This month is also my legal birthday as well, but everyone is always skint around that time so will think of something low key and as financially accessible to do or might just have a very quiet affair.

I am 28 this year after all and my next big birthday shall be when I am 30. To which I hope I have a few personal things sorted out by then. Still like everything else it's all in progress and there is always more that can be built and improved upon.

Christmas...Part Two

I have never experienced such a jaw droppingly astounding abundant year in terms of gifts I have been lucky to receive.

Over the festive season I like to give gifts to a selected group of people whom are special to me and I like to cook. These are the elements of ‘family’ that I enjoy and feel comfortable with.

I didn’t grow up in a big family and my Mum and I have mostly been the two of us. This year has been odd in the absence of A. Although I see him, he is still a part of my life – things aren’t what they were. I spent a big chunk of 2011 feeling really sad about that but now I have started to accept things as they are.

He will always be a family member to me and no matter what; I will always consider him to be my father, even though we aren’t biologically tied to one another.

His gifts he left for me were very thoughtful and one thing was an iPad which I have wanted for ages, as I don’t always like carrying my laptop around and sometimes I mostly do things that are on social networking sites and basic emailing.

I thought it would also be nice to use when I travel as well.

Which brings me to my next amazing gift…never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up having an iPad from my Dad and then my girlfriend giving me a trip to Japan. 

I am still speechless.  I keep thinking I am in some sort of dream only I have showered in that time and dosed up on lemsip as I have a super stinky cold which isn’t ideal but will do my best to shift it as I have had it for over 4 days now and it’s getting boring and more and more congested.

I do feel like a little child again, such as wondering how I am going to be able to sleep with the excitement I am currently experiencing but I know I will.  It’s also going to be amazing to spend New Year in another place.

Last year we were enchanted by what New York had to offer, but Tokyo will be unforgettable. Since I was about 10 I always wanted to go to Japan. I was intrigued by the people, culture, food, rituals, technology, landscape…you name it I found myself intrigued by it.

I am so excited thinking about what I will see and what I will do. Traveling is something intrinsic to what I like to do.  I would rather stay in for a month and save to go to another city rather than just go out for the sake of going out.  I do make an effort to catch up with my friends but have found that there are times and places in which everyone can see one another without it being expensive.

Still aside Japan and a little weekend trip planned for my anniversary in early February I am unsure as to where my feet shall go in 2012.  There are lots of things to do domestically so it will be far from a dull year.  I am also looking forward to just seeing what happens without knowing what exactly it is.

Have started thinking about my resolutions and will start putting my goals into motion over the next couple of week as I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by!

Few more days and then it’s 2012.

I feel like it was only a couple of months ago I was in last Christmas.

Christmas...Part One

In the run up to Christmas I have never felt so exhausted as I have done these past few days. Logistics wise I have been splitting my time between North and South London, feeding a cat, trying to get on with some of my work as well as make dinners, wrap presents make sure laundry is done and so on and so on…

I feel exhausted thinking about the start of the week.  But I am now at a point in which I am almost done.  Only have to do Borough Market and I am free to make a cake, some cranberry sauce and the gravy for tomorrow.  Other bits of prep are straightforward, especially as I have made a list and find it helps me focus and zone out when in a crowded situation.

So far, so good on that front.

My Mum arrives in the afternoon and I am going to have some time to myself beforehand as the Greeks are going to be out.  The Greeks consisting of E, her Mum and Dad.

It has been nice having them over, as they are relaxed and easy to be around. They have had a couple of entertaining moments but apart from that there isn’t anything that has been of stress or left me feeling exasperated.

E hasn’t had a Christmas with them in years so it’s been really nice for her to have some time with them.  Also it’s been nice to do some stuff with them but also take a bit of time out for myself. Especially as right now I am becoming slightly withdrawn and more thoughtful about a few matters.

I am always thinking about what is going to happen next in my life. 2012 I have a few more things due to happen transition wise.

On January 26^th when I have my next Charing Cross appointment, which also coincides with it, being exactly 6 months on testosterone for me. When there I will look into what my surgery can take place if I choose the NHS route otherwise I will look into a private option in France.

I’m also going to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) as I will fit criteria by then. I want this so I can have a new birth certificate but also so I can marry one day.

Although I don’t have any proposals planned for E as of yet I would like it that if and when the day comes there is the freedom to be able to do so, without there being an irritating piece of admin to go through in order to achieve this.

It’s also the final side of my social transition, which I want to complete.

Then all that is left is the continuum of the physical side of my transition. I am curious and excited as to how things will be this time next year. I want things to be different and to feel closer to Monty than waiting in the shell of my old body.

The T is definitely helping some of this.

My personality is definitely starting to change, as are some of my thoughts, attitudes and tastes for things.

On the whole I have started to realize what makes me happy and how to remain happy.

This might sound a bit simplistic but without trying to sound sorry for myself  (as I don’t) I have had clinical depression since I was a teenager. For me it has become really important to work out what works in terms of keeping me positive and not feeling rubbish about life.

It has taught me not to be scared though and to confront things even if I haven’t felt strong enough to do so. Even if something hurts I try and stick it out as best I can, but that’s just my way of handling things.

I feel twice as bad if I feel I have failed.

I am far from being perfect and don’t consider myself to be perfect but I try to improve or be better wherever I can. Otherwise the default setting I have will kick in and then that won’t solve anything or improve. 

I’m also starting to become aware of my age right now. 28 may sound young but I have a lot I want to do before I am 30.  Knowing I am not such a baby anymore has given me a few things to think about in terms of aspirations of life, friends, relationships…you name it I’ve thought of it. Still some of this is part of the mystery and adventure of life. 

Only I don’t want to live with too many disruptions.

Since I moved house in May I haven’t felt like I have fully come ‘home’ yet. The place where I live now has many good points about it but it just doesn’t feel like home to me.

There have been a few really unfortunate incidents and things happen there since I moved in which have galvanized to me that this place isn’t my home and doesn’t feel like it will be.

It’s a place I live rather than a place I feel is home.

In many ways whilst experiencing some feelings of being in flux and my family life shifting too over the course of the year everything has felt displaced in some respects.

But there have been some things, which have affirmed a few things inside of me. Now it’s about finding the right time and moments in which to make movements and actions.

I am in no great hurry or feel a great sense of resentment – its more of a philosophical approach of this isn’t for me and there are more things indicating that this might not be the best situation for myself.

Still I will concentrate on that nearer the time and start refocusing my energy on goals I have ahead of me in 2012.

Oh and start some of my Christmas meal prep in the form of making some stock, cranberry sauce and baking a cake.

Whilst shamelessly basking in silence of the house I am staying in.

Spanish Eyes

I find myself starting this blog post in bohemian Barcelona. Not because I am taking the spirit of viajante (the traveller) but because I am here for work.  So far it has been a fruitful trip.  I have felt reconnected to a project I have been working on as well as refocusing my mind and head onto some other things.  I must say that being out of London and away from some comforts and familiarity has been really nice.

Of course I miss certain people.  I miss being snuggled up with E, but I am also loving being in a massive bed in a place that isn’t my home and being able to have a bit of ‘me’ time.

I had a lovely shower on my first night, I had injured my foot and my Mum helped me dress it as I stood on a plug in my room and it has left me with a small wound that bled. It was nice being ‘Mothered’ and I also gave her a foot massage as her feet were hurting her so it was mutual care.

I ate some nice food and was in really lovely company tonight whereby everything seemed to blend away from what seemed familiar.

This was done in a way that I really enjoyed.

Just as now I am loving that I have some time to write and can be sat in silence without having anyone else even in the same vicinity as me.  Sometimes this is something I adore and actually crave.

A good friend of mine, C is a writer and I can see why she chooses to go to the British Library to do her work where she can set up camp in a secluded corner and work in absolute solitude.

The more I think about things I want to write (particularly with my slightly scrambled dyslexic brain) the more being in solitude makes perfect sense.

Being away from everything is also offering me some clarity right now. There are some changes for 2012 that I will make happen as I can no longer continue feeling unhappy with one or two situations. 

I refuse to feel unhappy or have a heart filled with sorrow though.  In fact I feel unresisting and quite open hearted to what I want to make happen. This to me is what being positive is about.  Rather than whinge, bitch and complain I would rather find solutions to what it is that is causing some element of tension on certain levels.

I say this because moaning and not doing anything about something isn’t a productive way to deal with a situation. I don’t want to be one of life’s whingers. I would rather just accept that sometimes something can be frustrating but that comes after trying everything that could be tried to make a situation better or tolerable.

I am turning 28 soon and that means I am 2 years away from being 30. For some reason I feel this pressing urgency to have all my shit in order by that time.

I want to have had my GRC, chest surgery and possibly a marriage or the hope of some form of marriage by then (age 30).

These are things that are important to me. 

In regards to marriage if I don’t see it being a viable option then I would abandon some aspects of hope in that regard, or at least try and think of being with a partner that would consider that.

Like some people have a biological clock going off I seem to have a matrimonial clock going off.

I would also like to have a relationship that goes past two years.

In February I would have been with E for 2 years so this is a positive. Although there have been times where things have been difficult and sometimes I have had doubts one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that there is love between us.

As long as I feel active love that this something that will always keep me in a relationship.  Sounds simplistic but at the same time it was a nice thing to realize. As well as being a positive for someone, like myself that tries to dodge relationships a lot of the time.

I have always had a weird relationship with intimacy – I want it yet it scares me.  Especially if it means I might risk getting hurt.  But at the same time it’s a bit bonkers to crave heavy intimacy and emotional attachment yet at the same time want to run from it yet still fantasize about feeling very romantically bonded to someone and to be married to another person.

Especially given how I grew up.

My Mother was single for most of my childhood and was never drilling into me that I should be in a relationship or grow up get married and have babies.  In fact in many ways she was quite the opposite. 

One principle I will always respect and that is only be with someone in a relationship because you want to be with them and not out of a sense of ‘obligation’ or a feeling of ‘settling’ for someone.

I am glad that these principles have remained with me, only I think on occasions I have taken being single a step too far.  Then that is part of the joy as well as pain of being young – we all have to make mistakes and sometimes learn things the hard way.

Day 2 of being here has been very busy.  Managed to clear a lot of stuff in a giant work meeting, and we had a nice break to a market where we ate and Mum and I walked around a lot and I bought jamon, chorizo and manchego. It was on of the highlights of my day.

Saw some really, really cool fashions too but resisted temptation to buy anything even though I wanted to. A recent purchase of mine went walkabout so am a bit reluctant to shop for myself right now.  Also am feeling a bit on the porky side so want to feel slim and trim again before I spend large amounts of money on clothing.

There is a bit of dysmorphia in place body wise right now so I spent a lot of today trying not to eat much and I will be using the hotel gym shortly so that I can at least psychologically tell myself that I have burned some calories. It’s also nice to make the most of facilities on offer.

Like a lot of people though, this month will cause a little bit of anxiety when it comes to fear of putting weight on. I did used to be a lot bigger and T has made me feel broader but also wider.

I have nightmares sometimes that I have turned into a giant ball that rolls across the road. Or that I have turned into a big guy in the slobby sense. It is a bit irrational and perhaps slightly neurotic but it’s the truth as to how I feel sometimes.

The fact is I know I am not the only person who feels like this nor will be as everyone has their own little isms – the difference is whether or not they care to honestly admit them or not. That is their choice.

I know something else too and that is the testosterone is changing me every single day. Even my thoughts and sensitivities have started changing. Depending on where I am in my cycle I have days whereby I feel grotty, sometimes really crappy and on other occasions I feel low.

But then the flipside is that I feel more and more that I am growing in confidence and growing into more of the person that I actually am.  One thing that I feel more than anything is a new set of growing pains in every sense possible.

Physically I have a little party going on, although I wish the spots on my back would disappear and I can feel parts of me shaping into something else. I smell different and I sometimes don’t recognize certain manifestations taking place.  But I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Now I feel I am living the honest life I have wanted to for years. For every person that says something negative, thinks of me as a freak or just doesn’t understand, well here’s the main thing – I don’t give a f*ck anymore.

I am not prepared to make people feel better about their own hang-ups anymore. We don’t have to be the best of friends or even friends at all but I don’t see why I should feel obliged to take people’s rude attitudes on board because there are certain things they can’t understand or feel comfortable about.

If people are unsure about things then they should ask more in a polite way or go and read…if people want to know more about something that typically is something that people do is it not?

I may sound a bit like I am climbing on a high horse or using some self elevated notion of privilege or some crap like that but I am not.

This year I have made a lot of big strides within my transition and finally I am reaching a place where I am starting to feel comfortable and happy with myself. If people can’t handle that be it friends, ex-friends or acquaintances then I have no time for this.

My place in life isn’t to be the person who is full of misery and pain. I have felt that way in stages and I don’t want that to be a place that I occupy. I try and live as happy a life as possible and contrary to what some may think of me I try and be as positive as I can.

But I did realize recently is what I don’t need is to be in an underdog position. Or a spot where people can feel superior by feeling that I am their nominated person in which they can feel charitable and virtuous towards because they helped me turn a corner or some pompous crap like that.

For the good friends I do have I am appreciative of support I have received though but I like to feel that I am connected to people in the good times as well as when things get a bit difficult.

It’s a tricky and fine balance but slowly I am heading there and for that I am really pleased about.

For every difficult day or stage I get within my transition there is also a massive sigh of relief that I am no longer living a life that was false.

Like all things in life it isn’t always pleasant or plain sailing but I think to live a life true to one’s heart is better than living in the shadows.

It might not make me Mr Popular but at least I know I live not feeling bogged down with guilt.

Anyhow I should really stop my mini procrastinating and go to the gym and then conclude my time here in Barcelona – which is basically more drinking eating and talking about ways to launch my work project off the ground!

December is upon us

So far I haven’t freaked out or had a heart attack and we are 4 days into December. I feel a bit off but not as bad as I usually do. 

For a few personal reasons this time of year brings up strange feelings inside of me, but with age I am realizing that I have healed from certain events of the past and feel more and more that this was all part of a different life and time and place.

I suppose being another person then and another gender does help with some of the issues surrounding closure, the things that happened were things that happened to Cleo and not to Leng if that makes sense?

Even writing my old name makes me feel that I am writing about a stranger.  In many ways this is the case. I have zero association with that time other than it just being a name.  I don’t remember much about being that person.

Partly because now I see myself in an almost infantile state coupled with the process of being in a second puberty. I knew some of those feelings were starting to bubble inside of me when I saw something a bit unbalanced happening and I couldn’t help thinking how ‘unfair’ it was and felt a bit put out – in the same way a teenage boy would stereotypically react to a situation.

That coupled with a spot on my back made me realize that the pubescent state was well and truly happening now. I started to look for ways in which to try and move on from feeling bereft and being a seething ball of tension.

I know that I am also surging a tiny bit right now. But this surge I have right now doesn’t feel as fired up as I have felt with other ones, I feel slightly lethargic and I don’t feel I have unstoppable energy.  But I feel there is a slight charge in my system.

It does help that some of the effects of the hormones are starting to feel a bit more familiar to me. But as I discovered last weekend, a couple of days after getting a jab I feel a bit sensitive.

This time around I felt a bit lost, and didn’t know what I was doing with myself.  There was a feeling that something was missing whilst I went into a floaty state.  I also think the fact that last weekend I wasn’t feeling very well physically didn’t help matters either. As I am not often unwell and do make a terrible patient. 

I hate feeling low on energy or feeling weak and groggy. I like to be able to do whatever I want and feel I have the energy to do so and not to feel battered from something.

Still it’s gone now and although I haven’t got all of my energy back it’s good I am not feeling as rough as I was then.

My body has slipped into semi hibernation mode right now, especially as it’s getting colder and there is less daylight to be had.  My body too is in puberty, which does leave big cravings for sleep. I want to sleep a lot more than I used to and I have to have something with caffeine in more than before.

I know it isn’t really age playing into this as in January I turn 28 and not 98!

There is also a part of me that is settling a little from within the inside. Since 2009 there has been a part of me that hasn’t been at rest. I can’t put my finger directly on what it is but I know that there is something if that makes sense?

The more I live as the person I am now the more comfortable I have become. Some of my fireyness that I was experiencing a while ago has started to quieten down a bit as well.

This is pleasing me as I am finding that I feel less wound up over many things and either accept something for what it is or I find a solution and don’t feel as attached to something as I used to.

I used to be very sensitive about a number of things and although there are things I feel passionate about I am starting to feel slightly less affected by things that other people do around me.

I am enjoying this energy for now all the same.

In terms of thinking of this month ahead there are a few exciting developments in the offing.  Next week I will be in Barcelona to sort through some stuff for my job, then I will return to doing some cat sitting.  The week after E’s parensta are arriving from Greece, I have a special night coming up on the 21^st and then that week I will finish off all my preparations for the festive period.

So far so good on that front.

I am still deciding on what to have for Xmas day but luckily where I am staying it’s close to borough market and I think once I decide what I will make then that will make the whole sourcing ingredients job a bit easier.

Also I want to investigate the best ways of doing things that will minimize my exposure to those hideous crowds and the fact that if everything is left to the last minute then people act like they are stocking up for a famine.  I don’t get why people have to start buying 4 or 6 of everything when they only have two extra guests and the way to think of xmas dinner is like a giant roast.

So in that case do you need three courses on the big day? If so reduce what you have on the other bits of the meal. Alternatively if it’s a dinnery dinner then make a poncy breakfast/brunch instead!

Well those are my thoughts on the matter anyway. 

I’m sure there will be some disagreements. But all the same I am excited about cooking and although we are staying in someone elses house the fact that E and I both have our parents around will make this feel like it’s the first xmas dinner that I have made rather than cooking dinner in a parents house.

Not that it matters but at the same time it does feel suddenly extra grown up in an odd way.

It will also be nice for E to have time with her family as well.  We have some nice things planned for when they are around so there are lots of things to look forward to.

I have completed all of my Christmas shopping…mostly done online! I cannot stand shops at this time of year especially over the weekends – it gets scary.  I still have to buy some cards and giftwrap and I have definitely been dragging my heels a bit about when I shall commence this but I need to buy one card soon as I have to send that to the USA.  Everything else shall be delivered by hand though as that is how little I send Christmas cards.