The last few days have been somewhat challenging in terms of my sense of order.
Firstly my laptop has packed in so in a bit I have to go to the Mac shop to get it sent off as it's the graphics card in it that has meant I have had a no usable screen. It is also a pain in the arse as I have photo shop on that one and I have a little bit of editing to be doing. Still I shall find a workable solution for that soon enough.
My other annoyance is that my Blackberry doesn't seem to want to sync properly with my applications meaning that certain messages etc haven't been getting through to me. But my main annoyance, right now is the fact that my left shoulder has decided to do something and I am in a lot pain right now. I had it just before I went to Corsica, it got a little better but its back to being sore again. It started on Saturday and last night it got worse. I was up half the night and I feel a bit bad for disturbing E, although she wasn't pissed off with me I am sure she will find a way of exacting her own brand of 'revenge' (that will be gratifying for the both of us) at some point.
Just sitting very still and breathing really hurts and I can't move much. I sneezed earlier too and that made shriek a little. This is very annoying and I wish I could chop my shoulder off and grow a new one.
I know this is a whingy blog to which I do apologise but right now I am in agony. Still I am booked in to a sports massage place later this afternoon so hopefully that will help. My Mum is also sorting out an appointment with a chiropractor where she is so everything will get sorted it's just a bit frustrating right now. I don't like feeling broken or having my eyes water just from putting on my shoes. Still there are solutions happening I just have to wait for them.
There is only one thing worrying me a little and that is revealing that I bind. But on the other hand the binder works a lot better than a bra in terms of offering support for the back and anyhow this is a medical situation so I have to just deal with it. Mentally I will just be a man with breasts today, I don't really have a choice in that matter and that does bother me, but at the same time this needs sorting out and that takes priority. I will just have to suck it up in terms of how I choose to present myself. Biologically I am female and in situations like this there is nothing that can hide that.
The rest of my weekend was a delight though so thinking of that is really nice. Saw friends on Saturday, then had a lovely brunch with a giant lady on Sunday, then I saw the film Gainsbourg which was FANTASTIC and I suggest that everyone goes to see it and also did nice things like walked around a lot with E and chilled.
I'm going away in a few days for the weekend and I hope my shoulder is much better by then as I want to go on walks and things like that. Another thing this means is no gym and that does worry me a bit as I really feel I need to watch my weight at the moment and not being able to exercise is frustrating - still I have to concentrate on getting my shoulder and back working properly again so I can do simple things without it hurting and some sleep would be nice too.
Still it will change and it will be less painful soon I will moan less on that score too! Despite my complaints I am seeing the positive side of things and things will be better soon so that is what I am thinking of...bigger picture rather than just directly focussing on what is happening right now.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Travels
I am convinced I have dermatitis on my feet from the amount of travel I have found myself doing lately. Still it's good for the soul and great for the memories. Environmentalists look away now! In the last couple of weeks I have been to Italy, just returned from Corsica and next week I am off to Switzerland for a few days with my parents and E is coming too.
I had an absolutely wonderful time in Corsica, the only thing I won't miss about the place is the mosquito's and other biting flies. I have legs that look like pepperoni pizza but it was my own silly fault for not taking any deet so I won't whinge (I don't have the urge to whinge) but will remember that when going ANYWHERE with sunshine that I should take precautions.
Still you live and learn and I am glad that my blood was sweet enough. Bastards.
If I could wipe out the entire species of mosquito's I would. Seriously what purpose do they have other than to be pests and spread disease? Still
I did proper camping too as oppose to just having a tent to sleep in and I must say there is a difference between camping and glamping. It's nice all the same but last night I was pleased to be back in a bed! I do like the space in which bed provides but being outside and feeling slightly without creature comforts is also good for the soul too.
We were celebrating E's friend N's Birthday and she was there with her E. So combined all out initials spell out LEEN and trust me at the end of this trip I feel lean in certain places. I did some via ferrata as well as experienced some canyoning. Out of the two I preferred the via ferrata as that also involved clipping ourselves to other things and climbing on suspended logs and doing zip lines. I must admit I was such a scaredy cat at first and did feel shaky but was glad I relaxed into it and once it felt a bit more familiar I found I really enjoyed it and could of happily spent longer doing it.
Canyoning on the other hand was possibly one of the most extreme things I have ever done. It was very beautiful though, but the bits of it I didn't like was the jumping, and having to jump. But the rest of it was ok, but overall I think I prefer slightly dryer activities. Still I am glad I tried it and the hiking there and back was very good exercise as was the experience. It didn't grip me in the same way doing the via ferrata did but then again we all find what we like and what we dislike.
I want to do more zip lining as I did feel a little frustrated that I would freeze before going for it, once I got moving I was fine, as with the canyoning. In the end I just told the instructor to push me off the edge of a ledge if I froze as I felt that would help me maintain my pride a bit more and I would feel less of a wimp.
Still some of us have that fearlessness when it comes to that kind of stuff and some of us are a little more, cautious lets say. The weird thing is in situations like that I don't think I am going to die or anything like that I just don't like feeling I have no control over how I descend.
Corsica looked a lot different to how I expected it, I managed to speak in a dodgy French accent for a lot of the trip which in turn is perfect warm up for Switzerland...in theory!
I am really looking forward to showing E, Switzerland as she hasn't been before and it will be nice to show her the house and also the beautiful views where we are. I like it in winter but I also like it in summer when everything is in bloom and the cows are out en mass.
My external life as always is very good, sometimes my internal feelings don't match it and that frustrates me. My main problem I have experienced lately is sometimes having the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much since last September and sometimes I feel it's hard to catch up and even keep up with what has happened and what is happening now. Everything in me is subject to a lot of change and that is exciting but sometimes I feel an urge for quiet and calm, especially if I feel I don't know who I am anymore. That weirds me out but at the same time I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this transition stuff aside.
I do want to legally change my name soon as I feel my legal name is literally in place for admin purposes, but in terms of passport stuff and things like that I need to research everything thoroughly but at the same time I feel a little bit scared to at the same time.
I don't know how simple it will be as I am not taking hormones and I am planning on doing things privately so I know that will not necessarily be the easiest or most simple of routes but at the same time everything I am doing feels correct for me right now.
I am definitely sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as I don't think I would handle it otherwise. I get some days where I feel like a freak and that I don't fit in anywhere, but again I know everyone has those types of feelings.
I am really glad I don't feel like a teenage boy like I did when I first started transitioning. I don't feel like a middle aged man but I'm working on it, minus the midlife crisis and receding hair.
(I know that was a bad stereotype to use)
I had an absolutely wonderful time in Corsica, the only thing I won't miss about the place is the mosquito's and other biting flies. I have legs that look like pepperoni pizza but it was my own silly fault for not taking any deet so I won't whinge (I don't have the urge to whinge) but will remember that when going ANYWHERE with sunshine that I should take precautions.
Still you live and learn and I am glad that my blood was sweet enough. Bastards.
If I could wipe out the entire species of mosquito's I would. Seriously what purpose do they have other than to be pests and spread disease? Still
I did proper camping too as oppose to just having a tent to sleep in and I must say there is a difference between camping and glamping. It's nice all the same but last night I was pleased to be back in a bed! I do like the space in which bed provides but being outside and feeling slightly without creature comforts is also good for the soul too.
We were celebrating E's friend N's Birthday and she was there with her E. So combined all out initials spell out LEEN and trust me at the end of this trip I feel lean in certain places. I did some via ferrata as well as experienced some canyoning. Out of the two I preferred the via ferrata as that also involved clipping ourselves to other things and climbing on suspended logs and doing zip lines. I must admit I was such a scaredy cat at first and did feel shaky but was glad I relaxed into it and once it felt a bit more familiar I found I really enjoyed it and could of happily spent longer doing it.
Canyoning on the other hand was possibly one of the most extreme things I have ever done. It was very beautiful though, but the bits of it I didn't like was the jumping, and having to jump. But the rest of it was ok, but overall I think I prefer slightly dryer activities. Still I am glad I tried it and the hiking there and back was very good exercise as was the experience. It didn't grip me in the same way doing the via ferrata did but then again we all find what we like and what we dislike.
I want to do more zip lining as I did feel a little frustrated that I would freeze before going for it, once I got moving I was fine, as with the canyoning. In the end I just told the instructor to push me off the edge of a ledge if I froze as I felt that would help me maintain my pride a bit more and I would feel less of a wimp.
Still some of us have that fearlessness when it comes to that kind of stuff and some of us are a little more, cautious lets say. The weird thing is in situations like that I don't think I am going to die or anything like that I just don't like feeling I have no control over how I descend.
Corsica looked a lot different to how I expected it, I managed to speak in a dodgy French accent for a lot of the trip which in turn is perfect warm up for Switzerland...in theory!
I am really looking forward to showing E, Switzerland as she hasn't been before and it will be nice to show her the house and also the beautiful views where we are. I like it in winter but I also like it in summer when everything is in bloom and the cows are out en mass.
My external life as always is very good, sometimes my internal feelings don't match it and that frustrates me. My main problem I have experienced lately is sometimes having the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much since last September and sometimes I feel it's hard to catch up and even keep up with what has happened and what is happening now. Everything in me is subject to a lot of change and that is exciting but sometimes I feel an urge for quiet and calm, especially if I feel I don't know who I am anymore. That weirds me out but at the same time I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this transition stuff aside.
I do want to legally change my name soon as I feel my legal name is literally in place for admin purposes, but in terms of passport stuff and things like that I need to research everything thoroughly but at the same time I feel a little bit scared to at the same time.
I don't know how simple it will be as I am not taking hormones and I am planning on doing things privately so I know that will not necessarily be the easiest or most simple of routes but at the same time everything I am doing feels correct for me right now.
I am definitely sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as I don't think I would handle it otherwise. I get some days where I feel like a freak and that I don't fit in anywhere, but again I know everyone has those types of feelings.
I am really glad I don't feel like a teenage boy like I did when I first started transitioning. I don't feel like a middle aged man but I'm working on it, minus the midlife crisis and receding hair.
(I know that was a bad stereotype to use)
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
The Hormonal Cloud
It's amazing what a few mood swings can do to the mind and body to some extent. Right now I am feeling a bit of a slump but also have a sense of guilt for feeling like this. I have a good life, a nice place to live, wonderful friends, supportive family and someone who loves me. Then the guilt comes back in as I feel I don't deserve any of this and feel manky that I have feelings that are making me feel like a piece of crap.
I don't starve and I have a very nice life. I feel it isn't right to feel so rubbish and believe you me, I really want to shift these feelings but right now I can't seem to, but I shall. One thing I have learned over the years is never to give in to these types of feelings where possible. Resistance is key yet it is important to acknowledge what is happening around you at the same time and deal with it.
I feel very much that I am on the periphery to people. I have realised one thing is definitely to do with my body. I feel I am between bodies and there are certain things that I can't necessarily do right now or if I am more honest I don't feel comfortable doing right now.
I can't swim or sunbathe very well as that to me will mean that I am giving away the fact that I am still female bodied. Coming on my period really highlights this sometimes as I hate the emotions that seem to come with it. PMT is an arsehole at the best of times, and especially when you want to conceal the fact that you are female!
I don't get these feelings often but once in a while I do get moments where I feel confused about who I actually am. Now is one of them.
I recently purchased some new binders and one is fantastic the other ones are a bit problematic...they are cut a bit low so reveal I have cleavage if I am not careful. Not having a hidden enough chest really icks me out as I have discovered over the last fortnight or so. I was in the gym and I could see that it appeared that some of my boob was starting to spill out a bit. Luckily I always go when it's quiet so it wasn't noticed but that irritated me as it does if I am in effect having any cleavage happening. I feel gross when it happens.
Then again I have always hated my chest, it's not as if this is something new.
But the weird feelings are starting to bother me. I just want to be without breasts as they don't feel like they belong on me and sometimes I feel that I am a fraud as I am not the man I envisage in my mind yet I am not a biological man nor will I ever be. I don't struggle with having female sexual organs, it's just the breasts and I hate being identified as a female as that isn't me.
I just don't feel much like I know who I am right now and that unsettles me slightly. Still I know this is normal and realistically I think everyone who has started transitioning has felt like this at some point. Life isn't always a bed of roses but nor is it a set to be full of doom and gloom. It's easy to succumb and give in and allow yourself to be crushed by bullshit, but sometimes your body chemistry just isn't on your side.
I don't take drugs for any depression I have nor do I want to take drugs to change my body. Right now I feel it best to make any changes I need to make naturally and with minimal assistance in those respects. But that is just me. Everyone lives their lives in a different way to one another and for that I will always respect.
For this week I have to keep busy and have to exercise like a demon as that will help me break some of this. I had a wonderful weekend in Italy, and have another exciting weekend ahead of me but in the meantime I think it best to work hard and try and thrash out this discomfort.
Boxing gloves on...Round One...Let's go.
I don't starve and I have a very nice life. I feel it isn't right to feel so rubbish and believe you me, I really want to shift these feelings but right now I can't seem to, but I shall. One thing I have learned over the years is never to give in to these types of feelings where possible. Resistance is key yet it is important to acknowledge what is happening around you at the same time and deal with it.
I feel very much that I am on the periphery to people. I have realised one thing is definitely to do with my body. I feel I am between bodies and there are certain things that I can't necessarily do right now or if I am more honest I don't feel comfortable doing right now.
I can't swim or sunbathe very well as that to me will mean that I am giving away the fact that I am still female bodied. Coming on my period really highlights this sometimes as I hate the emotions that seem to come with it. PMT is an arsehole at the best of times, and especially when you want to conceal the fact that you are female!
I don't get these feelings often but once in a while I do get moments where I feel confused about who I actually am. Now is one of them.
I recently purchased some new binders and one is fantastic the other ones are a bit problematic...they are cut a bit low so reveal I have cleavage if I am not careful. Not having a hidden enough chest really icks me out as I have discovered over the last fortnight or so. I was in the gym and I could see that it appeared that some of my boob was starting to spill out a bit. Luckily I always go when it's quiet so it wasn't noticed but that irritated me as it does if I am in effect having any cleavage happening. I feel gross when it happens.
Then again I have always hated my chest, it's not as if this is something new.
But the weird feelings are starting to bother me. I just want to be without breasts as they don't feel like they belong on me and sometimes I feel that I am a fraud as I am not the man I envisage in my mind yet I am not a biological man nor will I ever be. I don't struggle with having female sexual organs, it's just the breasts and I hate being identified as a female as that isn't me.
I just don't feel much like I know who I am right now and that unsettles me slightly. Still I know this is normal and realistically I think everyone who has started transitioning has felt like this at some point. Life isn't always a bed of roses but nor is it a set to be full of doom and gloom. It's easy to succumb and give in and allow yourself to be crushed by bullshit, but sometimes your body chemistry just isn't on your side.
I don't take drugs for any depression I have nor do I want to take drugs to change my body. Right now I feel it best to make any changes I need to make naturally and with minimal assistance in those respects. But that is just me. Everyone lives their lives in a different way to one another and for that I will always respect.
For this week I have to keep busy and have to exercise like a demon as that will help me break some of this. I had a wonderful weekend in Italy, and have another exciting weekend ahead of me but in the meantime I think it best to work hard and try and thrash out this discomfort.
Boxing gloves on...Round One...Let's go.
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Adventures
I've finally had all my graduation celebrations all done and dusted now and I can proudly sit with my BA with Honours!
My parents really spoiled me on my graduation day from Uni. We had cocktails in Skylon afterwards and then we had an unforgettable and beautiful meal in L'Atelier and OMG it was AMAZING and I am convinced I am still digesting some of it but the glutton in me is as happy as a pig in muck and I still get gastro post orgasmic chills remembering it all.
I am also so happy that I got the degree that I wanted as I feel some of the sleepless nights and tearing my hair out really paid off. But also I am glad that I have learned what I have and it really has changed how I want to take photographs and how I think about it all. I also like that it has exposed me and opened me to many different ways of thinking and has given me a liking for things I didn't think I would.
It has helped me to grow and I feel a lot more focused and mature than I did when I first started. But then I think that is something everyone does especially when in their early 20s. I do have moments where I remember how I used to think and react to situations and I am glad that I feel I am making progress and developing in a positive way.
I'm never going to be an academic, I don't have that kind of discipline or thought process. I like to be doing things and creating things, be it photographs or doing things in the kitchen or just doing things in general. I need to keep myself busy and not just to keep my weight down
Now I have thoughts of what to do next like everyone else is doing I suppose. I have some work on at the moment so that has been good but last weekend and the next few weekends I have little mini adventures lined up and I am so glad we planned these ages ago as its really nice that everything is all coming around now in a nice sequence.
Last weekend we went to Sheffield and we saw some lovely people and their very lovely cats. Walked about lots. talked and gossiped until the wee small hours and came back to London feeling slightly refreshed to have got out.
Tomorrow we are off to Italy which I am mega excited about. The party I went to last year was one of the best parties I have ever attended in my life, and what was more lovely is that my sibling met someone and they are still together now and they will be celebrating their one year anniversary! I love it when things like that happen and we all saw it happen too and it was so lovely. As a result my best friend found love and I gained a very dear friend and made friends with a lot of other special people too. My friends are very important to me, especially my close ones as I feel its crucial to feel support and love from people and at the same time know that there are people around me that are all different and people that care about me to the point that if I am fucking up they will say so.
I find it's really nice to reflect on instances like that happening in life. I also found myself thinking about where I was at last year and this was the time I knew I wanted to make changes, I just didn't know how. Again with good friends and positive influences it helped me start things.
I still remember a particular conversation with M that really helped. We were drunk but some of the things she said to me really stuck in my mind and it was a great kick up the arse that I think I needed at that time.
My Mum is also good at things like that as is my Dad. But they are cool like that but one thing that is nice is when I am around them I don't feel so much like a child, I feel they speak to me and treat me like I am a grown up. They also seem to have coped quite seamlessly with my transitioning and all of my changes. That is also something that I do value but it really, really helps. Especially if I have moments where I feel uncertain or scared about things.
On a nice note I haven't experienced many of those feelings of late which is really nice. I am quite accustomed to having rollercoaster type feelings but gradually I am feeling that things are starting to balance a little more and I don't feel so much that I am getting extreme highs and massive dips. I think this time of the year helps as there isn't too much to feel like shit about.
I know some of what is in front of me and things to do that are around me right now which in turn I feel helps as that gives me some element of structure. I also know that I have a few targets I want to achieve and will achieve too. Not in an unrealistic 'can-do' type of way but in a way that I know I want to achieve some of the things I have set out to do.
I am determined to get to 70kg but again it is happening, perhaps not as fast as I like because I do love food and traveling to places that has wonderful food might hinder that a little but I will get there! I just have to remind myself that it is possible and I can do it and I have already some down a lot from being 90kg so I won't beat myself up on not quite being where I want to be quite yet. There is no point or I will lose focus.
I also want to have a few writing projects finished soon too as that is happening but having a scrambled brain can be frustrating sometimes as what I want to say sometimes doesn't translate as coherently as I would like. Again I know I just need to continue with it and not lose focus.
I have a few things that I want to achieve before I am 30 and so far everything is heading in the right space I just need to keep it going.
Everything is possible and now is the time to start pushing on. Especially as I am now free of University and the Real World is now upon me. So far so good.
My parents really spoiled me on my graduation day from Uni. We had cocktails in Skylon afterwards and then we had an unforgettable and beautiful meal in L'Atelier and OMG it was AMAZING and I am convinced I am still digesting some of it but the glutton in me is as happy as a pig in muck and I still get gastro post orgasmic chills remembering it all.
I am also so happy that I got the degree that I wanted as I feel some of the sleepless nights and tearing my hair out really paid off. But also I am glad that I have learned what I have and it really has changed how I want to take photographs and how I think about it all. I also like that it has exposed me and opened me to many different ways of thinking and has given me a liking for things I didn't think I would.
It has helped me to grow and I feel a lot more focused and mature than I did when I first started. But then I think that is something everyone does especially when in their early 20s. I do have moments where I remember how I used to think and react to situations and I am glad that I feel I am making progress and developing in a positive way.
I'm never going to be an academic, I don't have that kind of discipline or thought process. I like to be doing things and creating things, be it photographs or doing things in the kitchen or just doing things in general. I need to keep myself busy and not just to keep my weight down
Now I have thoughts of what to do next like everyone else is doing I suppose. I have some work on at the moment so that has been good but last weekend and the next few weekends I have little mini adventures lined up and I am so glad we planned these ages ago as its really nice that everything is all coming around now in a nice sequence.
Last weekend we went to Sheffield and we saw some lovely people and their very lovely cats. Walked about lots. talked and gossiped until the wee small hours and came back to London feeling slightly refreshed to have got out.
Tomorrow we are off to Italy which I am mega excited about. The party I went to last year was one of the best parties I have ever attended in my life, and what was more lovely is that my sibling met someone and they are still together now and they will be celebrating their one year anniversary! I love it when things like that happen and we all saw it happen too and it was so lovely. As a result my best friend found love and I gained a very dear friend and made friends with a lot of other special people too. My friends are very important to me, especially my close ones as I feel its crucial to feel support and love from people and at the same time know that there are people around me that are all different and people that care about me to the point that if I am fucking up they will say so.
I find it's really nice to reflect on instances like that happening in life. I also found myself thinking about where I was at last year and this was the time I knew I wanted to make changes, I just didn't know how. Again with good friends and positive influences it helped me start things.
I still remember a particular conversation with M that really helped. We were drunk but some of the things she said to me really stuck in my mind and it was a great kick up the arse that I think I needed at that time.
My Mum is also good at things like that as is my Dad. But they are cool like that but one thing that is nice is when I am around them I don't feel so much like a child, I feel they speak to me and treat me like I am a grown up. They also seem to have coped quite seamlessly with my transitioning and all of my changes. That is also something that I do value but it really, really helps. Especially if I have moments where I feel uncertain or scared about things.
On a nice note I haven't experienced many of those feelings of late which is really nice. I am quite accustomed to having rollercoaster type feelings but gradually I am feeling that things are starting to balance a little more and I don't feel so much that I am getting extreme highs and massive dips. I think this time of the year helps as there isn't too much to feel like shit about.
I know some of what is in front of me and things to do that are around me right now which in turn I feel helps as that gives me some element of structure. I also know that I have a few targets I want to achieve and will achieve too. Not in an unrealistic 'can-do' type of way but in a way that I know I want to achieve some of the things I have set out to do.
I am determined to get to 70kg but again it is happening, perhaps not as fast as I like because I do love food and traveling to places that has wonderful food might hinder that a little but I will get there! I just have to remind myself that it is possible and I can do it and I have already some down a lot from being 90kg so I won't beat myself up on not quite being where I want to be quite yet. There is no point or I will lose focus.
I also want to have a few writing projects finished soon too as that is happening but having a scrambled brain can be frustrating sometimes as what I want to say sometimes doesn't translate as coherently as I would like. Again I know I just need to continue with it and not lose focus.
I have a few things that I want to achieve before I am 30 and so far everything is heading in the right space I just need to keep it going.
Everything is possible and now is the time to start pushing on. Especially as I am now free of University and the Real World is now upon me. So far so good.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
The Graduate
Today shall be my graduation day and I feel a mixture of things to be honest. I am so happy about my grade so at least when I get up to collect my award I will feel satisfied that I got the result that I wanted. It will also be lovely to spend the day with my parents and E is coming too.
A part of me still can't quite believe that Uni is completely and 100% over now. I almost feel like I am a grown up now, even though I already have grey hairs but it is a strange feeling that a place that has been a part of our life for a lot of years is no longer.
I have zero desire to do a masters and right now I want to forge ahead and see the world outside the confines of University. It is a fantastic stepping stone and has taught me many things but now I feel it's time to live properly and do things to a structure that doesn't echo what term time dictates.
Still over this Summer so far have been having a really brilliant time. My parents are back from Australia so its nice having them close by once again, and I really can't be happier than I am right now which is a really nice thing to feel. My weekends are always exciting and for the next 3 weekends I am away so that is more stuff to look forward to and last weekend was just amazing in every single way.
I started the weekend having a ride in a race car (and subsequently counted my blessings that I was still alive by the end of it) and the adrenaline rush was huge! It was like being on a fair ground ride. Also had lovely food cooked by my Mum and then we all played cards until what felt like all night.
Saturday went to a carboot and bought a beautiful Naval Uniform which fits perfectly. I am convinced that it was made for me. Or Admiral Montgomery...jury is still out on that one, but I love it. It is cut so well and is really heavy so might have to wait until the weather cools a little before I wear it otherwise I don't think I will look as cool, calm and collected as I would want to look in it. I also need to find the right shoes to go with it and maybe a hat but I am sure Ebay will have something when I have the desire to hunt it out.
Was meant to get out n Saturday night but didn't in the end as was rather zonked, as was E so we fell asleep instead. Rock and Roll!
Sunday was epic, like really really epic. Woke up early and then I went home and was told I had to await further instructions from E. So I did, and then I was asked to meet at a bus stop on Kingsland Road, so I get off the bus E meets me but before we head off to wherever we are going to she shoves a blindfold on me and marches me through the streets of De Beauvoir Town/Dalston. God knows what people thought, not that I really give a shit but still that shall go down as one of the most random things I have done on a Sunday. I like random so all is well.
After being guided around the streets we ended up in Michelle's flat! I was very surprised as I thought E initially had some sort of perverted plan in place and technically she did (if you know her its more a case of when doesn't she :P) but that aside I was amazed. No one has ever done such a lovely thing and I know my friends were in on it too. I still smile lots when I think about it. It was such a lovely thing to do and I felt very lucky and very special. E also made a lovely brunch and made some very cool James Bond posters out of photographs of me. They looked great and it was funny revisiting visually some of my hair cuts from over the last 5 years.
I must say I am liking how I have my hair at the moment, although I sometimes miss having a bright splash of colour I think one colour is working just fine for now.
I was also given some kick arse presents: A bottle of Cote Rotie from M and her E. Lady V was very nice and got me the Ottolenghi book 'Plenty'. I've wanted that book for ages, and that combined with that wine means that I shall have to make something that goes with it. All for the purposes of honoring my gifts of course!
After the Brunch we all went to Lovebox and it was amazing! We saw Hercules and The Love Affair, Peaches, Hot Chip and Grace Jones! You can't really beat that for a varied line up. The sun was shining lots too and I didn't get drunk so I did feel pleased with myself on that note.
Ran into lots of friends, and saw some people I haven't seen in light years and enjoyed wearing a dodgy moustache. It was a good, good day.
That brings us to today. I am still in my boxers and vest and for some reason I feel a bit nervous about getting ready. It will be another event where Cleo shall be used and that feels strange. I don't forget who I was but the more I think about being female and identifying as female it feels really alien to me. As if it was another life or even another person.
Still until I change my name legally as well as gender then things like this will pop up from time to time. Still for today I will smarten up, wear my hair a little preppy (I have to wear a mortarboard after all) and I am intrigued as to where we shall all be going after the ceremony. We have the luxury of it being in The Royal Festival Hall so at least UAL has picked us a nice location, and it will be good to see the people I have studied with on both courses.
Goodbye old life...
A part of me still can't quite believe that Uni is completely and 100% over now. I almost feel like I am a grown up now, even though I already have grey hairs but it is a strange feeling that a place that has been a part of our life for a lot of years is no longer.
I have zero desire to do a masters and right now I want to forge ahead and see the world outside the confines of University. It is a fantastic stepping stone and has taught me many things but now I feel it's time to live properly and do things to a structure that doesn't echo what term time dictates.
Still over this Summer so far have been having a really brilliant time. My parents are back from Australia so its nice having them close by once again, and I really can't be happier than I am right now which is a really nice thing to feel. My weekends are always exciting and for the next 3 weekends I am away so that is more stuff to look forward to and last weekend was just amazing in every single way.
I started the weekend having a ride in a race car (and subsequently counted my blessings that I was still alive by the end of it) and the adrenaline rush was huge! It was like being on a fair ground ride. Also had lovely food cooked by my Mum and then we all played cards until what felt like all night.
Saturday went to a carboot and bought a beautiful Naval Uniform which fits perfectly. I am convinced that it was made for me. Or Admiral Montgomery...jury is still out on that one, but I love it. It is cut so well and is really heavy so might have to wait until the weather cools a little before I wear it otherwise I don't think I will look as cool, calm and collected as I would want to look in it. I also need to find the right shoes to go with it and maybe a hat but I am sure Ebay will have something when I have the desire to hunt it out.
Was meant to get out n Saturday night but didn't in the end as was rather zonked, as was E so we fell asleep instead. Rock and Roll!
Sunday was epic, like really really epic. Woke up early and then I went home and was told I had to await further instructions from E. So I did, and then I was asked to meet at a bus stop on Kingsland Road, so I get off the bus E meets me but before we head off to wherever we are going to she shoves a blindfold on me and marches me through the streets of De Beauvoir Town/Dalston. God knows what people thought, not that I really give a shit but still that shall go down as one of the most random things I have done on a Sunday. I like random so all is well.
After being guided around the streets we ended up in Michelle's flat! I was very surprised as I thought E initially had some sort of perverted plan in place and technically she did (if you know her its more a case of when doesn't she :P) but that aside I was amazed. No one has ever done such a lovely thing and I know my friends were in on it too. I still smile lots when I think about it. It was such a lovely thing to do and I felt very lucky and very special. E also made a lovely brunch and made some very cool James Bond posters out of photographs of me. They looked great and it was funny revisiting visually some of my hair cuts from over the last 5 years.
I must say I am liking how I have my hair at the moment, although I sometimes miss having a bright splash of colour I think one colour is working just fine for now.
I was also given some kick arse presents: A bottle of Cote Rotie from M and her E. Lady V was very nice and got me the Ottolenghi book 'Plenty'. I've wanted that book for ages, and that combined with that wine means that I shall have to make something that goes with it. All for the purposes of honoring my gifts of course!
After the Brunch we all went to Lovebox and it was amazing! We saw Hercules and The Love Affair, Peaches, Hot Chip and Grace Jones! You can't really beat that for a varied line up. The sun was shining lots too and I didn't get drunk so I did feel pleased with myself on that note.
Ran into lots of friends, and saw some people I haven't seen in light years and enjoyed wearing a dodgy moustache. It was a good, good day.
That brings us to today. I am still in my boxers and vest and for some reason I feel a bit nervous about getting ready. It will be another event where Cleo shall be used and that feels strange. I don't forget who I was but the more I think about being female and identifying as female it feels really alien to me. As if it was another life or even another person.
Still until I change my name legally as well as gender then things like this will pop up from time to time. Still for today I will smarten up, wear my hair a little preppy (I have to wear a mortarboard after all) and I am intrigued as to where we shall all be going after the ceremony. We have the luxury of it being in The Royal Festival Hall so at least UAL has picked us a nice location, and it will be good to see the people I have studied with on both courses.
Goodbye old life...
Sunday, 11 July 2010
July
I have to say I am much enjoying the month of July. I have never been in such a flux with life where I feel so happy with the way things are going. It's wonderful. My weekends seem to get successively better than the last one and I am spending my time with really lovely people.
I know I will look back at this month in particular for 2010 with a particular warmth inside my heart. I also have loads of really exciting things to look forward to as well. Such as Peaches next weekend and Love box, my parents are returning from Australia on Tuesday, I am also off to Sheffield and then Italy and in the meantime I have been working on some writing and seeing friends and making contacts.
All in all it's looking rather eventful on the old calendar. Oh and the lovely weather is really, really delightful too - it feels like being on holiday with all the heat and sunshine. It also makes me want to live on pimms but my liver won't allow that so have been settling for lots of salad instead.
I have also spent some really nice time with E, and this weekend has marked meeting her Mother and Sister. I was initially nervous - but then I think that is normal. I also realised this is the first time I have met someones family being male identified and they were fine with it all. I think language barriers aside it's actually really nice that I am in a relationship with someone who has family that are just as open minded as my own.
In my previous relationship I found this not to be the case and that was when I was a lesbian! God knows what they would have been like if they knew I was transitioning. To be fair I was the first person they met and also I wasn't the right sort of person they would have in mind for their daughter. It happens. It also doesn't help being the first person a family meets if they weren't exactly OK with their child coming out in the first place - the odds aren't likely to be stacked in one's favour generally.
Needless to say I think I can safely assume for both parties that we are both glad we don't have to see or speak to each other ever again!
Again this is life. I am sure we all date someone at some point that our parents can't stand just as I am sure we might end up being the type of person that for whatever reason a partners family can't stand. It's a fact of life.
I must say though it's a lot easier if there is a sense of harmony.
I do count myself very lucky that I do have such understanding parents, that have never made me feel bad about who I am. My Mum has always had the attitude that when she had me she wanted to know ME no matter how I turned out. I like that way of looking at things.
If I have children one day I will adopt the same approach, as I do believe that when we have children it isn't to create something that is going to 'owe' us anything or have to live up to expectations. I think it is far more rewarding to foister love and not expectations upon someone, as like anything they will grow organically and they will shine in the way they are meant to.
Obviously guidance, care and love is needed but at the same time I think it is important to remember that the person created was made because of love and because of the desire to want to have a child.
OK that might not be the reason if the condom split or a number of other reasons but I think in terms of consciously trying for a child, making changes in your life etc to accommodate a child we also have to make shifts in our own minds to allow for these changes to take place and register.
As I have discovered for myself over the last few months, there is a difference between the theoretical ways and hows of a situation versus the actual reality of the situation in hand. Being honest about who you are, what your boundaries are and looking after yourself and others are vital not only to our own well being but I think everyone else around you too.
I can't believe how much I have changed and grown since this time last year. In my last counselling session we did discuss this and I did feel that I had let go of a lot of old baggage that I had lingering around. I feel I have learned a lot and am still continuing to learn. I have made mistakes but I have also had many occasions where I have let situations get out of hand because I failed to assert myself correctly or haven't looked after myself in the way I should.
Strangely since identifying as male I do look after myself a lot better than I used to and will continue to do so. My self esteem has always been a bit of a sore point but I feel a lot better about myself than I used to. I must say that radically changing my diet and exercising lots has helped that along really well as now I am seeing my body change and my shape alter. It does take hard work but if you stick at it then there is a way to enable desires to come through.
I also need to exercise more now as I do want my body more than ship shape for when I come to have my surgery. Although it won't be for a while I know that I need to make sure my chest is well exercised and I want to be muscly and firm, especially as I won't be able to exercise for a number of weeks post surgery.
Still my current regime of 3 times a week plus 1 game of squash a week is paying off. If this heat continues too and kills my appetite at the rate it has been I shall be slimmer soon too which is always a bonus and as I have recently discovered rather addictive.
That is something I am careful with, especially as sometimes I feel that I can't notice what I have lost but from last year I am almost 4 trouser sizes smaller so luckily my clothes remind me on a regular basis that the weight has come off as do people around me.
As long as I do exercise I don't panic and I love food and will always love food so there will be no ryvita and cottage cheese for me or celery sticks for that matter! I would make a noose out of lettuce leaves and have done with it all if that was the case.
(Yes I am also highly aware of how melodramatic that sounded too)
This is also another thing that puts me off taking T. You get hungry all the time! Which for me right now is a big no no!
I do sometimes think about it but right now if I was to think seriously about it or to draw up a yes or no list the no is outweighing the yes right now. I am not against other people taking T but I am a massive believer of only taking it if it is right for you.
I am still learning how to be comfortable and letting the shifts happen as naturally as possible. All I crave is to have ore muscle so my shape is more recognisable as male and to have no breasts and I would like it if my voice dropped a bit more, but you can't have it all - well not straight away.
The funny thing right now is that i sometimes forget that I was called Cleo only when when I fill out forms! Still that's another thing that I will be changing very soon, as the more I think about it the more I know I need to do this.
Still that's for another blog!
I know I will look back at this month in particular for 2010 with a particular warmth inside my heart. I also have loads of really exciting things to look forward to as well. Such as Peaches next weekend and Love box, my parents are returning from Australia on Tuesday, I am also off to Sheffield and then Italy and in the meantime I have been working on some writing and seeing friends and making contacts.
All in all it's looking rather eventful on the old calendar. Oh and the lovely weather is really, really delightful too - it feels like being on holiday with all the heat and sunshine. It also makes me want to live on pimms but my liver won't allow that so have been settling for lots of salad instead.
I have also spent some really nice time with E, and this weekend has marked meeting her Mother and Sister. I was initially nervous - but then I think that is normal. I also realised this is the first time I have met someones family being male identified and they were fine with it all. I think language barriers aside it's actually really nice that I am in a relationship with someone who has family that are just as open minded as my own.
In my previous relationship I found this not to be the case and that was when I was a lesbian! God knows what they would have been like if they knew I was transitioning. To be fair I was the first person they met and also I wasn't the right sort of person they would have in mind for their daughter. It happens. It also doesn't help being the first person a family meets if they weren't exactly OK with their child coming out in the first place - the odds aren't likely to be stacked in one's favour generally.
Needless to say I think I can safely assume for both parties that we are both glad we don't have to see or speak to each other ever again!
Again this is life. I am sure we all date someone at some point that our parents can't stand just as I am sure we might end up being the type of person that for whatever reason a partners family can't stand. It's a fact of life.
I must say though it's a lot easier if there is a sense of harmony.
I do count myself very lucky that I do have such understanding parents, that have never made me feel bad about who I am. My Mum has always had the attitude that when she had me she wanted to know ME no matter how I turned out. I like that way of looking at things.
If I have children one day I will adopt the same approach, as I do believe that when we have children it isn't to create something that is going to 'owe' us anything or have to live up to expectations. I think it is far more rewarding to foister love and not expectations upon someone, as like anything they will grow organically and they will shine in the way they are meant to.
Obviously guidance, care and love is needed but at the same time I think it is important to remember that the person created was made because of love and because of the desire to want to have a child.
OK that might not be the reason if the condom split or a number of other reasons but I think in terms of consciously trying for a child, making changes in your life etc to accommodate a child we also have to make shifts in our own minds to allow for these changes to take place and register.
As I have discovered for myself over the last few months, there is a difference between the theoretical ways and hows of a situation versus the actual reality of the situation in hand. Being honest about who you are, what your boundaries are and looking after yourself and others are vital not only to our own well being but I think everyone else around you too.
I can't believe how much I have changed and grown since this time last year. In my last counselling session we did discuss this and I did feel that I had let go of a lot of old baggage that I had lingering around. I feel I have learned a lot and am still continuing to learn. I have made mistakes but I have also had many occasions where I have let situations get out of hand because I failed to assert myself correctly or haven't looked after myself in the way I should.
Strangely since identifying as male I do look after myself a lot better than I used to and will continue to do so. My self esteem has always been a bit of a sore point but I feel a lot better about myself than I used to. I must say that radically changing my diet and exercising lots has helped that along really well as now I am seeing my body change and my shape alter. It does take hard work but if you stick at it then there is a way to enable desires to come through.
I also need to exercise more now as I do want my body more than ship shape for when I come to have my surgery. Although it won't be for a while I know that I need to make sure my chest is well exercised and I want to be muscly and firm, especially as I won't be able to exercise for a number of weeks post surgery.
Still my current regime of 3 times a week plus 1 game of squash a week is paying off. If this heat continues too and kills my appetite at the rate it has been I shall be slimmer soon too which is always a bonus and as I have recently discovered rather addictive.
That is something I am careful with, especially as sometimes I feel that I can't notice what I have lost but from last year I am almost 4 trouser sizes smaller so luckily my clothes remind me on a regular basis that the weight has come off as do people around me.
As long as I do exercise I don't panic and I love food and will always love food so there will be no ryvita and cottage cheese for me or celery sticks for that matter! I would make a noose out of lettuce leaves and have done with it all if that was the case.
(Yes I am also highly aware of how melodramatic that sounded too)
This is also another thing that puts me off taking T. You get hungry all the time! Which for me right now is a big no no!
I do sometimes think about it but right now if I was to think seriously about it or to draw up a yes or no list the no is outweighing the yes right now. I am not against other people taking T but I am a massive believer of only taking it if it is right for you.
I am still learning how to be comfortable and letting the shifts happen as naturally as possible. All I crave is to have ore muscle so my shape is more recognisable as male and to have no breasts and I would like it if my voice dropped a bit more, but you can't have it all - well not straight away.
The funny thing right now is that i sometimes forget that I was called Cleo only when when I fill out forms! Still that's another thing that I will be changing very soon, as the more I think about it the more I know I need to do this.
Still that's for another blog!
Monday, 5 July 2010
Pride and Misinterpretation
I have had a rather lovely few days. Really liked Pride (for once) and spent it with really lovely people and discovered the joys of staying in one place for most of the day, rather than spending all day surrounded by noise and trying to trudge through people.
Bumped into quite a few friends and then went onto a party and then passed out! This time at home rather than on someone's sofa so I think I am getting better! On Sunday E and I spent the day together and we walked around Brick Lane, ended up doing a bit of shopping and then had an ice cream and went to see the LGSO play in the evening. It was great fun, and lovely to see a couple of friends performing too. The night also had unexpected entertainment when the conductor managed to fall off the stage!
There was also a tenor singing with a choir and was singing with plenty of innuendo. Well unintentionally of course, but hearing him sing about the King's four fingers was enough to bring out the giggling schoolboy lurking inside of me. Ooops.
I try to be well behaved when on a cultural outing, honestly I do. It seems sometimes wherever I go, something dodgy seems to follow me, and no I wasn't referring to E on this occasion!
There has been something else I have noticed this week. My end of year project got published by The Most Cake and for the most part people who have seen it have understood it, as did the people who came to my end of year show and the people in my University. What I wasn't prepared for was following it going up on the Most Cake, that someone has put a link of it to live journal and now there are a few people who seem to want to be offended by my project when in fact I didn't see as anything I was making was set out to be offensive.
Still people of the blogosphere seem to be a bit offended by my work. Here is a link to what I am talking about.
Now on reading some comments I do feel that some of my work hasn't been understood, which has given me some good food for thought in terms of how I am going to approach phase two of the project as I want people to be represented correctly as well as show what their opinions are. My project was intended as a slightly tongue in cheek look exploring femme identified people and their relationships - particularly looking at what their attraction to masculinity - in whichever form that might take.
A common misconception that is coming up is that I don't see Transmen as real men which I think is a pile of crap! Seriously, I'm transitioning for fucks sake and masculinity comes in many varied forms. I'm confused and I am sure a whole load of other people are too.
Still it has made me start to think about as to why people could be offended and also I accept that some people might have misinterpreted what I have made and are happily going on a rant based on reading something someone before them wrote or because they haven't realised what the intention of the project was based on seeing a fragmented link of it. Audience and way something is presented to a viewer shall be key as otherwise people do get offended it seems or start picking at things for the sake of it.
I do know and respect that anything to do with identities and particularly where gender and representation start to come into things that by and large people get offended very easily and sometimes it's hard to know why. But it's a fact that they do.
This also kind of explains (to me anyway) why there is a dearth of work where these areas are concerned as for every group of people that will understand the work and will enjoy it there will always be a percentage of people who will be offended by what has been made.
Another thing to consider when having anything online is that there will be a further population (on a much smaller scale) that will troll around slightly. Woe betide that person you offended 2 years ago - on things like this there is the risk of something or someone popping up and having a bile fuelled typing vendetta with a few furious keystrokes and the hiding behind an online identity.
The age of the avatar is upon us after all. I still find it scary that people can immerse themselves solely in online worlds when there is a massive world right in front of us. Still we are all different and diversity is what makes the world a far more interesting place.
But the main thing I am acutely aware of is that with anything creative, be it writing, art, photograohy, film - you name it that there will always be a percentage of people that won't like what you create or understand what it is you are making. That is the way of the world and is what makes us people. Human beings are tricky creatures to please. Unlike our animal counterparts that just eat, sleep, mate and roll around. They check each other out by sniffing each others backside's and from that they decide whether or not they can be friends. It seems that humans constantly need to find stimulation and satisfaction and most of all a sense of empowerment. Given we are most driven by our ego's that is why there are people who create work, and that is why they have admirers who understand the work and feel in some ways a connection in which their ego is satisfied.
Give something to someone in which it displeases the ego and then that's where the trouble starts, there will be no friendly bum sniffing or affiliation - it will be hissing and knives out. Repel the type who offends the territory and doesn't appeal to the intellectual propaganda being created by the surroundings of the people around them. Instead it is either thumbs up or thumbs down in what feels like a return to the Roman times.
Still as a photographer I know that not everyone will like my work a lot of the time. But I will still continue to make work, especially about topics I care about. If you don't make work or create anything then that to me signifies someone who isn't trying. I also don't want to photograph topics that have been done to death or photographed so many times that there doesn't seem to be much else to say on the matter.
I also can't help but feel that in someways art is viewed in a very subjective and black and white manner. Generally it does get viewed as either 'good' or 'bad' which is a shame as there are many interpretations as to what does or doesn't visually please us.
Still it's always interesting to find out what people think and how people react to images too.
Bumped into quite a few friends and then went onto a party and then passed out! This time at home rather than on someone's sofa so I think I am getting better! On Sunday E and I spent the day together and we walked around Brick Lane, ended up doing a bit of shopping and then had an ice cream and went to see the LGSO play in the evening. It was great fun, and lovely to see a couple of friends performing too. The night also had unexpected entertainment when the conductor managed to fall off the stage!
There was also a tenor singing with a choir and was singing with plenty of innuendo. Well unintentionally of course, but hearing him sing about the King's four fingers was enough to bring out the giggling schoolboy lurking inside of me. Ooops.
I try to be well behaved when on a cultural outing, honestly I do. It seems sometimes wherever I go, something dodgy seems to follow me, and no I wasn't referring to E on this occasion!
There has been something else I have noticed this week. My end of year project got published by The Most Cake and for the most part people who have seen it have understood it, as did the people who came to my end of year show and the people in my University. What I wasn't prepared for was following it going up on the Most Cake, that someone has put a link of it to live journal and now there are a few people who seem to want to be offended by my project when in fact I didn't see as anything I was making was set out to be offensive.
Still people of the blogosphere seem to be a bit offended by my work. Here is a link to what I am talking about.
Now on reading some comments I do feel that some of my work hasn't been understood, which has given me some good food for thought in terms of how I am going to approach phase two of the project as I want people to be represented correctly as well as show what their opinions are. My project was intended as a slightly tongue in cheek look exploring femme identified people and their relationships - particularly looking at what their attraction to masculinity - in whichever form that might take.
A common misconception that is coming up is that I don't see Transmen as real men which I think is a pile of crap! Seriously, I'm transitioning for fucks sake and masculinity comes in many varied forms. I'm confused and I am sure a whole load of other people are too.
Still it has made me start to think about as to why people could be offended and also I accept that some people might have misinterpreted what I have made and are happily going on a rant based on reading something someone before them wrote or because they haven't realised what the intention of the project was based on seeing a fragmented link of it. Audience and way something is presented to a viewer shall be key as otherwise people do get offended it seems or start picking at things for the sake of it.
I do know and respect that anything to do with identities and particularly where gender and representation start to come into things that by and large people get offended very easily and sometimes it's hard to know why. But it's a fact that they do.
This also kind of explains (to me anyway) why there is a dearth of work where these areas are concerned as for every group of people that will understand the work and will enjoy it there will always be a percentage of people who will be offended by what has been made.
Another thing to consider when having anything online is that there will be a further population (on a much smaller scale) that will troll around slightly. Woe betide that person you offended 2 years ago - on things like this there is the risk of something or someone popping up and having a bile fuelled typing vendetta with a few furious keystrokes and the hiding behind an online identity.
The age of the avatar is upon us after all. I still find it scary that people can immerse themselves solely in online worlds when there is a massive world right in front of us. Still we are all different and diversity is what makes the world a far more interesting place.
But the main thing I am acutely aware of is that with anything creative, be it writing, art, photograohy, film - you name it that there will always be a percentage of people that won't like what you create or understand what it is you are making. That is the way of the world and is what makes us people. Human beings are tricky creatures to please. Unlike our animal counterparts that just eat, sleep, mate and roll around. They check each other out by sniffing each others backside's and from that they decide whether or not they can be friends. It seems that humans constantly need to find stimulation and satisfaction and most of all a sense of empowerment. Given we are most driven by our ego's that is why there are people who create work, and that is why they have admirers who understand the work and feel in some ways a connection in which their ego is satisfied.
Give something to someone in which it displeases the ego and then that's where the trouble starts, there will be no friendly bum sniffing or affiliation - it will be hissing and knives out. Repel the type who offends the territory and doesn't appeal to the intellectual propaganda being created by the surroundings of the people around them. Instead it is either thumbs up or thumbs down in what feels like a return to the Roman times.
Still as a photographer I know that not everyone will like my work a lot of the time. But I will still continue to make work, especially about topics I care about. If you don't make work or create anything then that to me signifies someone who isn't trying. I also don't want to photograph topics that have been done to death or photographed so many times that there doesn't seem to be much else to say on the matter.
I also can't help but feel that in someways art is viewed in a very subjective and black and white manner. Generally it does get viewed as either 'good' or 'bad' which is a shame as there are many interpretations as to what does or doesn't visually please us.
Still it's always interesting to find out what people think and how people react to images too.
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