Second Life

There is a lot going on right now and I am glad to report that it's nice things.

I had my appointment with Dr Yelland and it was great.  I made slightly inappropriate jokes on account of being a bit nervous but it all went very well.  I realised he is the only man I have really had my breasts out for which felt a bit perverse on some levels. But the examination took less than 30 seconds and I found it more amusing than distressing in any way.

I was lucky that day to be joined by E and by my wonderful friend L as well. 

I have a follow up appointment with his nurse in Brighton on the 22nd of June.  Which time wise is great as I see Dr Lorimer at Charing Cross on the 20th June and have a T--Club to photograph in between that.

I feel so happy that the surgery is getting closer.  I am hoping my letter from the PCT comes in before Wednesday too.

I phoned them and they said I should receive a letter regarding their decision for my surgery hopefully this week or when I return from my trip to Vietnam.

If this is accepted, 2012 will go down as the best year of my life.  I started it in Japan, I am off to Vietnam (and a night in Singapore) and the surgery should be happening time-wise around October which was when I was hoping to have it.

I love that this is becoming more and more real. I'm also well and truly into the swing of things T-Cycle wise. I can recognise a bit more when I am moody versus when it's the T that is having an adverse reaction to the way I am feeling.

Like any hormone it really can affect your moods. But I feel I am familiarising myself a bit more with it, and each little surge I get seems to fuel me. Yet I have no desire to have a more regular dosage of it as I like that it's gradual.

I am starting to notice the physical changes it is bringing to me and I am liking it.  I feel more that I am who I actually am rather than feeling that I am a work in progress or emerging in certain ways.  That isn't who I am anymore.

I feel less inhibited than I was and at the same time I feel much more confident and stronger than i ever felt before. I get less affected by what people say and do around me.

I do have some sensitivities and feelings left! I'm not just a ball of numbness but at the same time I don't get so bogged down with things in the way I used to.  I find it is such a liberating feeling to no longer feel weighed down by emotional baggage.

I feel more assertive too which has been really nice in terms of being able to assert myself and stick up for what I believe in without feeling riddled with guilt afterwards. I don't argue with people but I don't roll over as much as I used to either.

This is how I have always wanted to be, and I am finding it easier to communicate than I used to. I feel comfortable enough to stand my ground if I have to and also find a reasonable and peaceful way to resolve things if problems emerge as well.

I hate tensions and arguments with people, I also hate feeling dis empowered because I put myself in a vulnerable position or allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

I think the best thing that has happened during my transition is learning how to genuinely love other people as well as myself.

It's also nice to wake up and not look into the mirror picking at faults and imperfections within how I look before I have had time to have so much as my first coffee or tea of the day. It's nice to be able to leave the house not riddled with anxiety or feeling so depressed I wish I wasn't here.

It has taken a lot of work to get to this stage though and I will always seek to improve upon existing niggles as I will never be perfect but I can do my best to be a decent person.

Especially because now I am male. A lot of men within society haven't behaved well at all, especially towards women. I am not going to be one of those.I cannot stand prejudiced or behaviour which demeans and disrespects fellow human beings in a discriminatory way.

Realistically I am never going to be the best of friends with absolutely everyone I meet either.  Nor will I like everyone or expect them to like me but I think it's important at the same time to have a responsibility not to be unnecessarily cruel or nasty to others just because they might not gel with me. There are people that actually personality wise I can't stand but I just try and keep a healthy distance and try not to onvolve myself too closely to them or their affairs as it isn't going to serve any type of positive or productive purpose.

If something affects me directly then I know I have to find better ways not to feel trapped by that type of situation, but luckily I don't have that scenario in place right now so there is no point speculating about something that isn't affecting me presently.

I am excited about getting away with E and exploring new places together. For any of our faults or gripes either with one another or just with life, one thing we have always done well is travel together. I also don't think I will ever meet anyone who could love traveling more than her! Yet at the same time it's lovely to be with someone who sparks my enthusiasm for it too.


The more I travel the less insular I become in my views as being in different environments and having the privilege to be able to experience differing places, cultures and customs has helped me grow as a person.

I try and be as mindful about that whenever I go anywhere and not just see going away as something to cross off a vast 'To-Do- list where life is concerned.

Although one thing I can't wait for when I am healed from having surgery is to be able to put swim trunks on and swim topless for the first time and be able to swim in the sea without having wet breasts clamped to my chest.

The lovely thing is that this is no longer some pipe dream or something I am going to be waiting a number of years for.  This year it very much looks set to happen.

My second life is definitely here.

Friday

I keep wishing today was Thursday, although I know this week is moving at a reasonable pace. I managed to have a productive day and cleared through things I wanted to get on with and didn't flounder or get stressed which I have had on previous occasions lately.

I have been doing quite a bit of work that involves excel spreadsheet based applications recently and perversely I find them calming and almost comforting.  Data input allows my mind to switch off other parts of my brain that are sett on a continual whirring of making decisions and planning my next movements and feeling that I have to be strategic most of the time in order to actualise what I want to achieve out of the next few months and life overall.

I try to be the best I can and since I have found a better sense and appreciation of happiness it has been something that I have been cherishing.

I try not to complain - if I do so it will be because I feel I would have tried many ways to improve a situation. I am also in a process of remembering lovely things people have done for me over the last few months and years.

I think it's so easy to complain and be negative about what someone doesn't have but its also good to sometimes remember what you have got.  As well as remembering nice things people have done for you or remembering when you felt loved or cared for.

Maybe I am turning into a bit of a hippy but I have found since I have taken a slightly more positive approach I have been having really positive experiences and I feel that there is more respect coming my way.

But then it could be argued that this is born out of respecting myself a little more.

I'm so close to being in the body that I have always wanted to have that this is what makes me feel happy when I wake up every day.  Suddenly the rain, or the loud clumping of a housemate seems a bit insignificant when I look at the bigger picture. 

Tiny annoyances aren't life threatening.  The whole world isn't going to end nor will it ruin your life.

I am slowly learning to be a bit less black and white and because of that it is helping me enjoy what life has to offer a bit more.

Well unless someone is being an all out a*sehole then that is something I am learning to deal with in better ways as I feel stronger and more confident.

What I am about to say isn't intended as a "poor me" kind of post but in some ways since being young and perhaps a bit sensitive or seen as a bit of a soft touch that there have been certain types of people who have loved to have a bit of a pop or a jibe of the mood has taken them.

I used to feel really awkward and frustrated in situations like that, as I hate people having a go at me or labelling me or trying to pigeon hole me because of their own frustrations and insecurities.

I have grown tired of other people trying to almost defend the same people saying that I must trigger an insecurity in them or other bulls*it like that. I see it as b*lls*it because if ever I feel a bit insecure of threatened by someone I don't go out of my way to be horrible towards them or be smiling at them around people whilst doing really conceited things to them at the same time.

I keep my distance if anything.

One thing that taking hormones has brought out of me is a stringer side. I am not feeling very aggressive per se, but my tolerance for being a whipping post or a target for people to act out their b*lls*it has really gone down.

If I do something wrong I am very willing and happy to apologise and I expect the same. If someone won't or doesn't see that they need to then I distance from them and find myself not wanting them near me. 

By allowing that kind of person or situations near me I am not respecting myself.

I seem to be on a slight tangent but I finally feel happy and confident enough not to tolerate it anymore. I have stopped feeling a block and a sense of fear that something bad will happen if I don't stand up for myself.

It's not always about challenging something head on or locking horns at every available moment but just affirming in my mindset that I won't accept it.

I just to feel so small and depressed accepting crap before but now I feel so free in myself.

Today I had a day whereby I felt I was me. After Friday I know that I can have a clearer picture as to how long I need to wait for surgery and has the PCT approved funding yet?  I say this because some PCT's have policies whereby you can't see a surgeon unless your funding is approved and some only approve it if you have seen a surgeon.

Needless to say I will find out more what the score is in less than 2 days! Knowing that I am going there is affirming enough as this is real and now I can start thinking more solidly as to what will happen with surgery.  What sort of aftercare will I be seeking? Will I have gel and silicone patches? When will I take bio oil and arnica tablets?

Alongside many other thoughts that are starting to sink in.

It's so nice to feel that there is a shift starting to occur and my previous identity finally feels like a memory rather than a growth.

Following Friday I also have Vietnam to look forward to in a fortnight today as well as seeing the Boychild and writing some non-blog stuff and seeing friends, gym and playing squash. And spending time with E (Before she complains that I "never talk about spending time with her").

More Movement

I have had one of the best weeks I have had in ages.

I started doing some new work, have been researching some other possibilities purporting to my work.  I have new targets and goals, the scales have been kind to me and shown that I have lost a bit of weight and I have booked a holiday with E in which we leave in 2.5.weeks!

Despite all of this excitement (and believe me there is plenty in the air right now) I received a letter on Tuesday from Brighton and Hove exclaiming that I have an appointment with Dr Yelland next Friday!

It seems that with every bit of my transition as soon as I stop thinking about when I will have an apointment or I seem to give up some type of hope that something will happen then something seems to happen.

I think it's a mixture of my own impatience and sod's law trying to tell me something.

Since knowing that I am going to see him I have had constant butterflies.  I don't want to eat much, I just feel that I am on cloud nine a lot of the time. I'm a bit nervous about it as well. But on that day I shall have E and my lovely friend L who shall be driving us to the hospital as it's in Haywards Heath.

I found some great tickets for the train which weren't too outrageous so my bank balance is thanking me for that one as so far this has been a slightly expensive month, but at the same time I have been careful with my cash so it is all ticks and balances in some respects.

I am starting to think about what I shall ask, how the appointment will go and it's more a case of wondering what is going to happen next. I need to be able to work out from that appointment if he will be doing the surgery, what will the heal time be like, what do I need to prepare for, who will help me post surgery, will I be scarred badly? Will I have a nice neat chest? What if I wake up? Seriously...every thought under the sun I have been having.  Yet at the same time, no matter how much it hurts I have never wanted anything so badly in all of my life.

I can be me.  I will not have breasts anymore or feel revolting every time I take my shirt off and binders.  Not having to wear binders and feel the off pull and strain or stomach aches or feeling constricted because of my clothing would be a God send.  It will also be nice to feel less body dysmorphia. It is something I have had for years and has affected me.  I want to be able to stand proud, to wear deep v neck t-shirts, to swim in some trunks, and to be able to walk around topless.

This is something that is becoming closer to a reality.

Will see what happens post appointment as I don't know how long or what then needs to happen with the PCT. I hope they don't take a long time in processing this as I want a clear surgery date so i can start making mental and physical preparations for this.

Aside having 4 wisdom teeth out last year I have never had an operation before. I am a bit apprehensive about this as I have never been in a big hospital before but at the same time I want this and I will make sure I have everything I need around me to make it comfortable.

In the meantime I have plenty of work to do, a trip to Vietnam to plan and research into what gels and patches are good for post op scars, any diets I should be on and will also concentrate on my fitness and current diet to lose a bit more weight before holiday.

Maintenance is an on going process, that's for sure.

Movement

I am starting to feel like my feet are leaving the ground.  This is good though at the same time, especially when it involves making progress and changes throughout life.

I am also am starting to move some of my affairs into order. I need to do this because I am realizing that I don't have some of the arrogant luxuries afforded to someone in their early 20s.  I am now in my late 20s, and yes I am still young, I can do many things I know I need to also focus on what is important.

I need to keep my mind and brain working and ticking over.  There are things I want to achieve and I know in order for that to happen that there needs to be a lot of hard work. This is something I am not intending on shying away from either as nothing does come for free. 

I need to save as much money as I can right now and by doing this it gives me more freedom and choices for changing my life.

That may sound a bit cheesy but it's true.

I also enjoy working hard and especially when it's the type of work that means it helps someone in some way. I am not quite at the mindset whereby I think everything is programmed to serve in my interests alone.

The world doesn't work like that.  I am not entirely selfless either. I'm just realistic about what I can and want to do.

I decided yesterday to write some new targets for myself, especially now I have just had my 5th T shot.

One of my housemates assisted me and this shot was one of the least ouchy.  Not just because she is a trained nurse and seems to have fantastic needle skills but I did exercise for over 90 mins which makes a lot of difference.  I say this because 4mls of castor oil going in the top of your glute can hurt.

It literally is like a solid ball getting lodged there.

Yet at the same time it's a discomfort I have only a few times a year because of the cycle and course I am on.

I feel with each shot it seems to mark a season.

I feel a sense of happiness and wonder every time i have an injection on the basis of finding out what this next cycle shall have in store for me. It's like a secret treasure trove of things that my body shall bring me.  So far everything feels bright but I know in two weeks time I get a few days where I feel a bit sad and unmotivated.

Still the more I familiarise myself with what is going on around me, the easier it is to handle it and embrace it.

I am waiting to hear back from my GP about the letter that she has apparently sent so will see what happens next week if I haven't heard anything by then.

In the mean time I am focusing on ways in which to monetise my surgery, should I need to go private and trying to learn as much as I can on the way about the processes, how it all works and what I should and need to do with myself.

I started a mini diet recently which so far is going well and some weightloss has started (finally!) but it seems a low carb and calorie diet mixed with regular exercise is what my body needs to lose the weight.  That as well as drinking more water.

The more water equals less food intake.  It's also good not to get ill from feeling dehydrated at the same time.

I'm starting to feel healthier and happier and since having a phase of anti-biotics and other unpleasentries it is nice to be feeling more energised and that my body is working well again.

This is leaving space for my head, heart and everything else to start firing on full power. My next T-Shot will mark 1 year on it so that in itself feels like a nice landmark to have reached. I am pleased that so far I have had a steady and consistent change in my body, my voice is dropping steadily and my shoulders are getting broader gradually.

I don't respond well to sudden change when it comes to my body as it triggers my own dysmorphic issues. I hate not knowing when my eyes can't match what I see in my head. Gone are the days where I used to cover up mirrors because I hated my reflection so much but I don't forget that and make sure I work with myself not to go back to that feeling.

The more I have transitioned and learned to respect and find a a bit more of a comfortable footing has helped massively.  My main priorities are to uphold and maintain the work I have done and to not slip and just add more positivity wherever possible.

Wishin' and Hopin'

I like Dusty Springfield when I feel stressed or a bit sad.  There is something about her lyrics which often resonates somewhere as well as making me feel oh so gloriously camp whilst listening to her music at the same time.

Life operates in circles and right now some other feelings I am having are coming back in a new wave of feelings and emotions.  Things are changing around me rapidly, my thoughts are transferring to facts that perhaps not everything is forever.  Things aren't what they were. My head and to some degree heart feel gently punctured and in some parts I am definitely bleeding.

For a number of reasons right now is proving to be a lot more stressful than I thought.

I am finding the process of having to have faith in a lot of things and be hanging, waiting on letters, waiting for things to change or having to rely on people and organizations which in turn means I have to put trust where I feel a bit cautious to do so.

It's not that I wake up feeling like a misery guts and I decide I don't want to trust or I don't want to think positively but at the same time I feel that certain areas of patience have been tested and the hanging on a wire feeling sometimes makes me want to take a pair of scissors and sever the cords.

I keep having desires to run away and try and rid myself from feeling tied down and trapped in situations. All of which rationally points to having some sort of anxieties building up.

Yet for the most part I can acknowledge what is going on, breathe, and continue.

I don't freeze but at the same time there are a few areas in my life right now where if I am honest I know I don't feel 100% happy right now. There is a lot of energy required to make a lot of situations and things happening around me good and energy is something I feel I am lacking in some areas.

It's a lot easier to click into auto pilot and drift along.  Yet the emotional sides of me sometimes chine in and remind me that I am not a robot, and within not being a robot it means that certain areas require my attention.

I'm never going to be someone who can pretend something isn't happening when it is but its finding the right balance of not feeling so melancholic, miserable and whingy to being able to process and acknowledge that not everything is ideal right now.

Life will always have a challenge or two and there is no such thing as a perfect life.  But at the same time it is good to also remember what is good about life. Also what is wanted out of life.

If something isn't feeling so great then now is the time that energy needs finding and focus needs to be added into how to make things good again or how to feel happier at least.

Another thing that is for sure and I definitely need a few days out of London soon whereby I sit and write and do all the things that I want to do that help me empty my head as well as soak in another environment and the energies that are there.

London is a tiring city sometimes and I think that is also another factor that is dragging on me.  Although I travel often, I do so for a very good reason! I like little breaks or at least exploring different surroundings.

The Middle of The Tunnel

My referral for surgery is in the process of being written.  I had a productive meeting with my GP yesterday who shall be writing to the PCT and the surgeon which I have chosen.
 
My document from Charing Cross, had a few details in there which were contradictory to one another in certain places.  Also the 'Enclosed list of surgeons' wasn't provided to either myself or my GP. I showed her an email from my lead Dr at Charing Cross stating which surgeon I would like.  So at least she could see come of that communication and not just rely on a letter. 

The letters that come from there are slow. She has only just received my letter now and my appointment was attended in January. 

This was down to the Miss Leng Leng saga, getting a new GP because I was taken off the list at the previous place and now establishing a new relationship with my current one...

The process certainly makes me dizzy.

I am aware that these processes take time.  This is something that is a big part of life and also something which will happen, especially when things involve red tape.

What I do find frustrating is when there are things relating to the red tape come back with contradictions and inaccuracies. Particularly when it shall relate to going to PCT's to establish funding. It isn't an easy, and to be honest it makes me feel a bit stressed.

Since being stuck with the name of Miss Leng Leng for six months without any explanation or any answers as to why this happened, has made me feel quite jaded about having much faith in the system. Yet at the same time I am aware that I am lucky to have at least these options available to me. Many other people on a global scale aren't afforded these services, and I try not to lose sight of that.

I just feel a bit tired of some of this process, which I am positive I am not alone in feeling.

The categorization and the 'ticking of boxes' for numerous departments and agencies; I get it. Doesn't mean I agree with all of it though. I don't like that whenever I have an appointment on at my Doctors and my medical history is pulled up on the computer screen that it says in big letters 'Gender Identity Disorder' and when it was diagnosed.

I don't like the word 'Disorder' being placed on my records. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I am aware that changing gender may not be a social norm, but I am not the only person who is doing so.  Many people transition or are in the process of doing so.

Disorder has a negative connotation associated with it. I know I am different but I don't need to see DISORDER plastered all over my records every time I have an appointment. That type of categorization I find to be insulting.  Just as in some countries in order to get a new passport in chosen you are expected to be sterilized.

To be fair this is beginning to be challenged more and some countries are dropping this policy.  It still reminds me though that there is a bit of a way to go before better equality is reached.

No matter how long I have to wait or whatever bulls*it happens throughout this process, I know I have made the right decision where my life is concerned.

There are a million and one arguments as to why perhaps someone shouldn't transition, or other groups of people feeling affected by it on a personal level: "Why couldn't you be a butch lesbian?" "Do you hate women?" "Did you become a man to have a life filled with privilige?"

"Do you see yourself as a 'real' man?" "Does this mean you want to have a penis?" "Are you now straight?"

Yes these are valid questions and statements but at the same time how I transition and how I live is my business.

What I have or don't have between my legs is for me to know and whoever I shag to find out. 

Aside all of these questions, curiosities and sometimes what feels like people projecting their anxieties with statements started with "You're not going to have phalloplasty are you?" "You're not going to take testosterone forever are you?" "It must be difficult for your girlfriend being part of your situation..." and other things which after a while start to feel really insulting after a while.

I am not a freak, I breathe the same air as everyone else, the only difference is now at this point in my life I am a person followed by a but...

Still right now I am in the middle of a process and a little in limbo which is something that unsettles me. I am anxious about this next stage and if everything will go smoothly.  I hope there are no documentation cock ups and that I am communicated with without having to pester and fight all the time for answers about stuff.

This is something I will have to keep doing, but today I feel tired with the whole thing.

I am almost at the end of my last cycle and I definitely feel that my energy levels surrounding that are starting to burn off.

My energy shall pick up soon, but for the time being I shall keep to remaining on target with my current goals for now.

Cliche Groups and Other Tales...

I had some correspondence back from Charing Cross gender Clinic, after what feels like an age.  Since January 26th and now I had the name of Miss Leng Leng on my medical records and then I was struck off the GP register at my previous practice down to where I lived. I have since found a new GP who seems positive for the most part.

The practice nurse is nice as well.  I outed myself to them and they have been very polite, helpful and relatively friendly.  But I do miss my old Dr. He was really nice and I felt I had a different rapport with him.

Still I received a letter in the post last week that was what my new GP will read when she returns from Annual leave. It was a summary of my last session at the gender clinic. It's weird re-reading things relating to my health, significant life events, childhood, a few traumatising events that I thought I had forgotten, their classifications of my mental health and a bit of a clunkiness as I have a theory that voice activated software was assisting in the report being made.

The best one was discussing my adolescent years at school.  Where I had mentioned that I had encountered a bit of a problem from a few cliquey groups of people the report stated that I had problems from 'Cliched groups of people'.  I suppose it was right in one respect.

It's a bit difficult being a trapezium amongst the squares...one shall never quite fit in.  I didn't want to, yet didn't like sticking out like a sort thumb either.

It also was reassuring to see in writing that I don't display "Psychotic behaviour or tendencies" as I think most would be relieved to see.

I know these assessments are required but I can't stand the feeling of being put under a microscope. I have never had any major mental health issues aside having clinical depression. Yet when you transition or have to interact with these psychiatric teams you are watched and asked very string questions.  I also suppose when it comes to someone changing gender then they like to make sure it can fulfill some criteria somewhere that decides whether or not someone is making an informed or mentally sound decision.

I still hate that in order to transition then a gender identity DISORDER has to be diagnosed. I know this debate can be had until the cows come home but it does make me feel uncomfortable. It also isn't nice having it in big letters all over one's electronic records.

Yet I do remember and appreciate that to satisfy the powers that be and the levels of red tape and categorisation both medically and within society that the labels and the big letters are there for a reason.

As are the right boxes, the right pigeon holes and right categories.

It's a bit like pacman in terms of what path to take and how to goggle your way through the maze.

I have written a letter to my GP and will be having a consultation with her before she writes any referrals to the Surgeon that I am hoping to have. I also need to research a bit more as to what is the best approach as she is lovely but has never done this before so it would really be in my favour to have something to give her to speed up my referral.

Given the delay since Miss Leng Leng I am keen to make things move forward as quickly as possible, especially as I know which surgeon I would like.  He accepts NHS referrals and that way the GP and Charing Cross can then move their attentions to the PCT as relevant letters and reports will be needed to go to them so I can secure funding for my surgery.

Especially since the new NHS structure has been announced. I also don't want to go another year in a binder.  As I have been binding for coming up for three years now and that is too long. Also not good for my health.  I am acutely aware that on a daily basis I am crushing my internal organs and the crampy feelings I get are there from binding.

Yet having a DD chest size isn't easy to hide nor can just be hid under a baggy t-shirt. So this is why some of my attentions have really switched towards sorting out stuff for surgery.  The time is literally now.

I want to be able to swim.  I don't want to hide away anymore or endure hot days whereby I am sweltering from having two binders on. 

I am keen to complete.

Still a lot more patience, planning, positive thinking and trying not to feel frustrated shall be in order to make this happen. 

In the meanwhile I will ignore the dripping tap sound I have in my head in terms of the waiting I am experiencing.