I am sometimes so gobsmacked as to how life is literally full of many mysteries and how we find ourselves morphing and changing.
In effect it's as if we are all in some state of transition. I've always been happy to see where we end up in life and how we feel about things. To put it into something that might make sense, we never stop changing. If you think about where you were at a year ago compared to where you're at now there will always be something different to consider and remember.
A very good friend of mine is due to give birth any second now and I remember this time last year hoping that she would be and she is. I love it when people are making their own dreams happen and embracing a life that they want to have.
Same applies for being who you want to be. Just because we might have been born into a biological identity that wasn't our own it doesn't stop us from breaking out of that and making steps to become the people we want to be.
It's not easy, and it's scary but not every path in life will be paved with gold.
I have been lucky to spend time with someone I know called B. He is amazing. When I met him last year in Athens I found that talking to him was a pleasure (as was taking photographs of him) but what I liked was that he is so bold and upfront about who he is and he doesn't have a fear about giving in to other people's judgements and bullshit.
I find him a delight to converse with and am pleased to have spent time with him whilst he has been here in London. In a strange way, just like last year I found that being around him and speaking with me, seemed to shift something inside of me which made me feel a lot more confident about making steps forward with my transition.
I am happy I am doing everything at the pace I am doing so. I think last year if I would have changed my name and started intensely wanting to push things forward with regards to Charing Cross I think I would have gone into meltdown.
2010 was a interesting year in terms of how my emotions changed and how much I changed. I definitely needed time to process everything taking place and even now I am still getting comfortable in the body I am in. I feel a lot stronger and a lot more confident than I did but this is because I feel I have had the time to assess what I really want and also to work through a few things.
I didn't realize how weird I would feel. But now I do feel a strange almost inner 'zen' like state and I like it. Whatever has shifted in me has made me feel a strong sense of freedom. I am closer to being the person both outside and inside that is Leng. It's the me I feel I am still getting to know.
I still think it was wise to do it in stages.
I don't have to prove anything to anyone or be at the same stage as others. This is what I remind myself and suddenly in regard to any changes coming, things haven't felt half as scary. But this is what has worked for me. Everyone's experience and way of doing things is different and will be different. This is the joy of it all. Certain experiences will be collectively shared yet will be individually ventured.