Tuesday, 30 August 2011

2nd T Shot and 2nd Birthday

September is about to be my month of number 2.  2nd T shot is going to happen in the next few days and on the 18th I shall be having my second birthday.

I haven't made plans as of yet as I do feel slightly allergic to making such extensive plans but will most likely have a nice dinner, or bake a cake and at some point will treat myself to some new jeans or a rock climbing induction.

I really like wearing a harness and sports that are congenial to that I have started developing an interest in.  I also like that climbers have really sexy bodies. I love the muscle definition and toning that they have.  I am also getting more interested in Yoga.  I will be going to another class this week and will hopefully start doing that on a regular basis as I want to do that to tone but for relaxation as well.

I need somewhere to put my energy right now that I feel grounds me again. As well as all of the other things that drive my passions.

An important thing that I have realised and discussed is that I am going through a second puberty so that too has to be remembered but managed.  Doing more active things I think will be a good way of helping with excess energy and to keep me fit.

I want to lose weight and tone up more especially now that I have a body that wants become more muscly. It will also help me transition further but like all things, we have to start somewhere and my next target areas are my abs and core strength.

I am intrigued as to how I am going to look in six months time.

I can definitely feel the testosterone working into my system and feeling something new happening.  Body changes are very subtle in most cases but I don't have the same body anymore.  I am enjoying it but at the same time it is taking a bit of getting used to in terms of how I am and how everything feels.

Parts of me are growing and feeling more sensitive than ever before and I have found mood wise to have had some changes there as well.

It feels right but sometimes feels alien at the same time.  Especially if I feel moody.  I hate it but at the same time I have to learn how to express myself in a way that is calm and coherent and where I feel I am still me and not just a ball of hormones.

I feel almost like I am feeling parts of me grow up.  I am no longer Monty the little boy but taking steps towards being what I call in my head as Monty Man.

This will take some time but I am much further away from being who I used to be, so that in itself feels like progress.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Lion King

I think yesterday marked what was one of my first T-Surges but in more detail one that made me feel really angry and verbally aggressive. I don't like to admit this but at the same time I like to be honest.  Also this is a side effect that has been spoken about but I feel in some people has been hyped and I don't want people reading scare stories about side effects of testosterone. 

Although I think it should be noted that each and everyone's experiences will be diferently, bt still we should try not to generalise where possible.

Yesterday was exactly a month since I had my first Nebido shot and perhaps a bit more of that oil has worked through my glute as I felt like I had ragey PMT but mixed with wanting to roar like a lion. I also completely lost the plot over someone making a fly away remark on my facebook...although to be fair I hate if I feel someone is trying to make a negative remark or a dig for the sake of it, especially if I am not very close to them.

I ended up removing what was put up on my wall in the first place which was a shame as it was a nice post from E, but I felt so wound up about what followed that yes I flounced and pressed delete.

I am feeling heightened sensitivities lately too. This isn't an excuse for being very grouchy but I have been figuring out why I have moved from feeling a lovely calming zen type vibe to feeling like I wanted to go in a boxing ring and go head to head.

I am not by default an aggressive person.  I hate arguments, I don't like shouting and I definitely don't want to be thought of as someone who will go ballistic at the drop of a hat.

I know I also need to take into account where I am at in life right now too.

I feel unwell, my legs still ache and feel swollen and itchy.  I still don't know if I have Lyme Disease and that pisses me off.  It is also freaking me out a bit as well. I don't like the thought of something that potentially can screw up your brain and nervous system laying dormant in my system. It's a bit uncomfortable to say the least.

I am also not liking feeling itchy all the time as that puts me in a less than cheery mood. I also feel like crap from feeling unwell.

I also applied for a few things recently and didn't get through so I feel like a failure.  An itchy failure at that.

I need to forge ahead with other plans, get the website I have been working on off the ground and feel that I am living again. Right now I am stuck on a loop in my head and although I am working, there is something inside that is disconnecting and I am finding it slightly disconcerting.

My other desires are a bit strange too. I want to feel attractive again too. Having bitten legs that itch as well as wanting to have a higher level of fitness has sent me into what feels like an abyss.

The main problem in all of this is that I have too high an expectation on myself and now that certain things aren't matching up there are parts of me that seem to want to sabotage it all.

My frustrations are borne out of feeling really out of place and in some ways alone.

The last few weeks haven't been what they normally are, and unfortunately the people I am closest to are all in flux right now with various things.  This isn't a woe is me statement but it's just a fact. In life people have their own shit hapening and new developments happening and to be honest I just don't see where I fit into any of that.

Just as accepting the changes happening in me, I don't know where anything slots in anymore.

If I had my way I would cocoon myself and emerge once I had all the best bits of myself formed. But life doesn't always work like that and like all people there are good things and bad things.

I know I need to get a grip on my moods though, especially if angry feelings start happening.  Otherwise I know the outcome.  People won't want to be so close to you and the irony is that is the thing I would actually like right now.

But feeling grumpy won't solve it.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Charing Cross, Lyme Disease and People P*ssing Me Off

It happened (last Friday) after what felt like a slight eternity, but I am pleased it happened.  I waited 8 months for my appointment which I felt was a long time but then I have heard other stories of people waiting as long as 18 months just to get their GP to do the referrals for them so that they can see a community psychiatrist before getting a referral for Charing Cross.

I was also slightly disgusted to hear of some people who don’t live in London having their appointments cancelled on the very day that they have travelled down to London and then having to wait up to 6 months for a new appointment.

Made me feel that my 8 month wait was f*ck all in comparison to what these people have had to go through.  I also have the added luxury of living in London so getting to and from the clinic isn’t such a bind.

I had a really nice appointment and was seen by Dr Lorimer whom I found really friendly and warm in energy.  I felt very at ease discussing my gender and what my goals for the next year are and was nice to know that I would be supported in my choices.

My only gripe was that straight afterwards they requested to do a blood test, which I think I would have preferred to have known about without it being a surprise. Especially as they took 6 samples of blood from me to look at my hormone levels, liver function and a whole load of other things.

In terms of how I am transitioning I am now into my self imposed Phase 2. Phase 1 for me was to start transitioning socially, so within that I came out as male, started being referred to as Leng and lived in role for over a year being male identified before I changed anything legally. 

This year was when I made everything legal and now I am starting to move to the end of phase 2 and into Phase 3, which is where I am implementing physical changes.

By that I am taking about hormones and looking into surgery options. I would like my chest to be gone by this time next year. I don’t think I can stand a third year of binding if I can avoid it.

On September 18 I am going to celebrate my second birthday (although I haven’t made any extensive plans yet) but that day will mark 2 years of being in a binder constantly.

I am more than ready to have the surgery now but am waiting to find the right surgeon and in 2 cases it will be having the right funds available to me as well. Once that is in place then I will commence with having my chest surgery.

The longer I have the wait the more I know that I want this.  I also hate feeling that my chest isn’t a true representation of who I am and my naked reflection is a head f*ck because I have breasts.

I am more than comfortable with everything else other than the breasts. It is like being trapped in the wrong body when I see them hanging there, wishing that they weren’t there.

The main thing I feel most pissed off about is why do they have to be so big and ugly. They aren’t nice to look at and they feel wrong.  I sometimes wish I they would fall off or just shrink but they don’t.

I feel they are the one part of my body that is ugly and looking at them makes me feel ugly. Still I remind myself that they won’t always be there and for that reason I try and bear it.

Another year won’t be the end of the world.  Although if I won a few grand on the Euromillions I know what I would be spending it on straight away!

In the real world it will take patience, budgeting and saving to make this happen as well as good old-fashioned hard work.

Other than that I have also had another couple of things happening.  Almost 2 weeks ago now I went to The Forest of Dean and whilst there I was bitten by what I thought was a horsefly.  I had some swellings on both of my legs that came up and wouldn’t respond to anti-histamines and Savlon cream so I went to the docs. When there he looked up where I had been and in The Forest of Dean there are tics that carry Lyme Disease.

I have been placed on a two-week course of anti-biotics and had a blood test the other day to confirm whether or not I have it.  Since then I have more swellings that have come up and feel very swollen around my legs and to be honest I feel hideous.

I also hope that they can confirm the Lyme Disease or not as the side effects don’t sound nice at all.

This is something in which the Testosterone has made an impact and that is I don’t feel worried at all. I would just rather know and want my legs to stop feeling so itchy and swollen. It is beyond irritating and I hate feeling that I have deformed limbs which I do right now.

Although last night I limped my way through a Yoga class which was a great experience but it really hurt my feet due to the swellings.  Was glad to have experienced something calming as well as having some exercise.

I was really crap at half of the moves but did manage to stand on my head, with assistance of the wall and the teacher – so managed something with some kudos.

There is also a widening that is taking place right now in my body and is making me feel that I am turning into a whale. At least when I write this I do see an element of how ridiculous these thoughts are.  I still wish I didn’t have them though.

The only other big thing that is bothering me right now is feeling a sense of indirect prejudice starting to come my way from things people say to me. This is coming in the form of people either asking me if E finds it difficult being in a relationship with me, or making statements like she is ‘brave’ or “it must be hard for her to be in a relationship like yours” and other things which make me think and feel that somehow me being in transition and male identified means that I shouldn’t have a relationship with a lesbian? I shouldn’t have a sex life?

Just what is meant by the “it must be hard?”

Is it hard for people to digest that a lesbian and a male identified person could be in a relationship? Maybe people don’t get it but how I live my life and who I love and the same applies for E is about us and our lives and not what other people think or feel.

For the record, when E and I first met she has always known me as Leng. She has always known me as being male identified and knew I was in the process of transitioning.

So to set that one straight I didn’t “steal” a lesbian from the Sapphic community nor have I ever had an issue with how she identifies or want to enter the land of heteronormativity. We’re both queer and proud of that.

There has been no struggle or suffering.

I have had fears that perhaps me being male identified might be an issue but so far we haven’t had many problems in that department. Like all couples we have had a few ups and downs but then who hasn’t?

I have always been aware that not all relationships (especially if someone is in transition) will survive.  But the same can be applied to other relationships in life too.

Recently my parents split up and that did shock me and upset me, especially as they were one of those couples that you thought were made for each other and were so full of love that they would never break up.

But it didn’t work for them and I won’t lie, it hasn’t been a nice thing to watch and it has jaded my views on relationships a bit. My new mantra where relationships are concerned is to cherish them on a day-to-day basis and never become complacent.

From my experiences so far I feel a good relationship requires attention, care and space to accommodate one another as you progress in life together. It also helps if both parties have common goals and similar shared values. But then there are so many other layers in place as to hat makes a relationship work and how to keep the spark alive…everyone is different. 

It could be argued that my mind works a bit too much in the opposite direction though. I cherish relationships I have because sometimes I have major doubts as to if they stand a chance of lasting.  Even if it’s a perfectly good relationship.

When I was younger I put it down to age and that was why I avoided being in relationships wherever possible. In general I don’t seek to create relationships in a hurry.

I have always found it easier not to have relationships with some people that I have known I am sharing more of a purely sexual connection with. Also with some people I have known that we wouldn’t gel in a relationship and I haven’t felt that way inclined so have been happy to casually see people a few times and if it fizzled out to let it go.

I don’t believe in wasting time or trying to create a false sense of intimacy that I knew wasn’t there or wasn’t felt.

But then people I have been in full on relationships with I have had a deep emotional connection with and have had intense love for them when we were together.

With E I felt we had the chemical love bond very instantly. Within a matter of just under a month we both knew we were in love with each other, and since then we have always valued the time we have had together since.

I feel with her this is the most honest and healthy relationship I have had so far.

I also know that from transition aside I am changing more and more. As I get towards the end of my twenties there are thoughts and desires that are getting louder.  Thoughts of possibly having children but marriage seems to be coming into my mind a lot. 

But at the same time if I’m with someone who doesn’t share those same goals or aspirations to me then I would never place that pressure or expectation. I don’t see the point. 

I do know that with every wedding I attend, I do wonder if one day it will be me getting married too? Then I remind myself that I am 27 and have many years ahead of me before thinking of dirty and perverse things like marriage!

I also tell the inner romantic that lurks inside of me to shut up and I start reading a cook book or food magazine instead.

In six months time I have been advised that I can apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate as I would fit criteria to apply then so that can lead me to going about getting a new birth certificate and also with a GRC it means I could marry legally if I wanted to.

Although right now, that isn’t on the cards I would like something in place so that if and when the day comes I am not in the position whereby I have to chase paperwork around.

So all in all there is a bit more paperwork to go and now surgery until I feel I have fully transitioned.

Monday, 15 August 2011


On Friday I am having my Charing Cross appointment. Everything is due to happen at 10.45 which I think is great, especially as it is right on the other side of London.

I am due to see Dr Lorimer. Who I have heard great things about and he also seemed to be friends with a couple of people I know on Facebook.  That in itself I find strange but interesting at the same time. Outside of official obligation and capacities, these people are people too and do have their own networks.

I'm feeling quite chilled about this appointment.  Partly because I have stepped up some of my own transition without feeling that I am at the mercy of the NHS. But also I have been waiting 8 months for this appointment! That sort of wait makes it feel that it is almost not real when it does come along. It is happening and I know what it is I want to discuss in my appointment and I know I shall also have to bring some of my paperwork as well. 

Still this is all part and parcel of ensuring certain boxes are ticked and the red tape that surrounds us is kept to a minimum.

I need to check if my NHS number has arrived at my GP's soon as well, I also need to check as to when I am meant to have a new blood test. As on September 6th is when I am due to have my next Nebido shot and I am not sure if I am meant to have another blood test after that.  I know by the next time I see Dr Curtis I need to have my blood tests done again so that they can monitor any differences between my hormone levels prior to taking testosterone.

To be honest I am not feeling that much different to when I wasn't taking it.  There is something different in me, but I think its more a case of waiting and seeing as to what changes are going to come next.

Perhaps in a couple of months or so there will be more noticeable differences vs 3 weeks that I am currently on now. Still it's all a slow burning course of change and I just need to ride what comes with that.

I know that some of the changes I am putting into my life now are going to have knock on changes in other aspects of my life. I know this because I feel it more right now. There are also other things that are happening which means for the most part I am feeling quite solo these days. My Mother is busy with a lot of things right now as is E with her new job.

It's not so much a case of feeling that I 'need' them but knowing people are busy means that I don't go to people straight away. It's not a case of being awkward but I just don't see a point, especially when what I might need isn't there. Also with one or two changes taking place I feel that I need to do this semi-solo. I keep having moments where I feel that I want to be around people and then I want to get away from people. For this reason having time to write and work on things alone during the day times is a relief more than anything. 3 evenings in the week E is at aerial or I am out.

I am getting used to the physicalities of one or two changes and in internally processing a few things I am finding it easier to do more things alone. I may have periods of feeling lonely, yet at the same time I do actually like doing things on my own.

I am also still getting used to being on T. There isn't much to report but I do feel that emotionally I am changing a bit.  I don't feel certain things like I used to which is great on some levels but I do feel that there are parts of me switching off in other ways.

What I want from life is also changing yet again, and I feel that I am on some sort of orbit to an epiphany happening sometime soon. In a months time I will be 2 in Trans years. I don't know what I will do yet.  Perhaps mark it in a nice way alone or perhaps try and get a bike by then and take myself off for a nice ride on it. All in all I don't know what to do or what I will do so rather than feel stressed that people won't come to something I planned or then have dilemmas that because I invited person a that now means I should invite person b or they will be offended even though I don't know them (politics with groups of people is a tricky business) I might just do something in my own.

Will also see how I feel after Berlin too. Last time I was there it made me evaluate a few things and this time around I want to see if progress and change has happened in a few areas. The good thing with 5 months is that it does give decent scope to see if there really has been progress made.

We'll see what fate has to say on that matter if there are to be any booby traps appearing in front of me.  I say this because 2011 has been littered with unexpected surprises and I don't feel negative per se but I don't feel it wise to be complacent either.

On a positive note though Friday should be good and if it goes well I will think about something nice to do after wards.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

The Great Escape

E and I decided to come here for a few days especially as she is starting a new job this week and needed some time for a little break ad some ‘shunshine’ as she would say. It was also a really nice way to mark being together a year and a half as well.

I hate to admit this but she was right. It’s amazing how much the soul smiles once it has been topped up with a little bit of Vitamin D and just being able to do things in a way that takes you a million miles away from London.

In London it is all about have to do this or have to do that and never having enough time to do anything.  In the week leading up to going away it was a busy period. Even whilst being away there has been a whole load of interesting happenings occurring. There is a lot to think about and consider now I am back in London. I also have to focus all of my attentions to some projects that I am working on. I need to be full steam ahead – especially as I need to make some modifications to some projects that are in progress and ones that are about to start.

I don’t feel scared though just excitable if anything.

I am also now on week 3 since I had my Nebido shot and there have been a few changes starting to happen but its all gentle and nothing that is being too scary or that has taken me by surprise.

Some of the horniness has started but I mostly find that every morning is when I feel at my most horniness. As long as I have some form of orgasm then I am fine for the rest of the day.  Will see how this progresses.  But the thing I have felt is that I have never felt such a physical ache as I do now T is in my body. I feel mentally horny as much as I did before but now I sometimes feel like my groin has taken on a life of its own.

Still given that I have always had a very high libido it is something that isn’t too much of a shock to the system nor is the way it is manifesting itself feeling too uncomfortable. The only notable things are that there are noticeable changes to the shape and I do feel like I have new genitalia.

But overall since I had the Nebido shot I feel very mellow. I don’t get as stressed as I used to and I also feel a stronger inner calmness that I haven’t had in a while. Maybe this is coinciding with how I am feeling mentally too. I don’t know but I am enjoying it while it lasts as I haven’t felt this good in a long time.

Whatever is happening on the inside I am feeling less empty than I did before. I am taking things easy with this and will see how I feel after my second shot, which I am due to have in a few weeks.

I feel that I am getting closer to the person I feel I am on the inside. I am due for my first Charing Cross appointment in two weeks as well which I am looking forward to, especially as the wait for that has felt like an endless eternity.

On a positive note I have entered their system under my new name, gender and when I have my first appointment I will be able to show bank statements, payslips and a passport that is in my correct name and my correct gender.

All of this signifies now to me (as well as legally) that I am ready to transition physically hence why now I have started taking hormones. I needed to wait and concentrate on the social side of transitioning before I was prepared to embark on the physical side of things.

As I felt that for me I had to be sure and didn’t want to end up adding to any other areas of dysmorphia that I already have on a physical scale.

Which does bring me to another thought and decision and that is my chest really has to go. Seeing them feels like I was placed in the wrong body.  Also with other changing parts of me I find being naked a really interesting yet twisted experience at the moment.

I feel like I have been placed in the wrong body or that the ‘shell’ that I inhabit is like a cocoon. The body with breasts might as well be a walking womb. This is perhaps why the only elements of female anything left inside me does do its best to nurture and care for the boy that is developing inside of it.

Perhaps I am starting to sound slightly like a freak, but this is one of the best ways I can describe how I feel.

The way I feel about having breasts is like being born with feet where your ears should be.  They don’t belong there. They don’t belong on me.

Other parts I can handle, and I am comfortable about. I am not fussed about what is or isn’t between my legs as I can have both and I like having both. I am definitely gender fluid in that respect.

I am planning on keeping up some form of exercise routine too to strengthen the body as well as try an keep having any elements of a female shape to a minimum as well. I want to be a slim man. Not super skinny but slim.  Especially as I have a long torso. 

I have found myself looking at men in a whole new different light and still style wise, adore men who look gay and are gay. The only thing is that I am into girls but not in a wanting to be straight way.

This is something that is gorgeous about being queer. I like that it means you do like who you like based on how it works rather than it having to either be so defined by gender.

If a someone male and female have a relationship it doesn’t automatically mean that they are straight. Same applies to same sex relationships.  It’s an identity and also means that you might find yourself mixing in certain circles more, but overall how I see it is that we all mix in spaces down to personal choice and what is comfortable rather than down to politics.

Perhaps I speak for myself on that score. 

On writing this since we have returned it has been rather shocking to read and see on the news the Riots taking place in London.  Especially as a lot of it is right on our doorstep.  So far I am hoping that there will be some resolve and that the riots stop. I commend people defending their shops and the efforts being taken to try and contain what has been happening. 

I don't know what there is to be gained from smashing up things and looting. I am also starting to think what is going to make people stop.