Thursday, 26 April 2012


I am starting to feel like my feet are leaving the ground.  This is good though at the same time, especially when it involves making progress and changes throughout life.

I am also am starting to move some of my affairs into order. I need to do this because I am realizing that I don't have some of the arrogant luxuries afforded to someone in their early 20s.  I am now in my late 20s, and yes I am still young, I can do many things I know I need to also focus on what is important.

I need to keep my mind and brain working and ticking over.  There are things I want to achieve and I know in order for that to happen that there needs to be a lot of hard work. This is something I am not intending on shying away from either as nothing does come for free. 

I need to save as much money as I can right now and by doing this it gives me more freedom and choices for changing my life.

That may sound a bit cheesy but it's true.

I also enjoy working hard and especially when it's the type of work that means it helps someone in some way. I am not quite at the mindset whereby I think everything is programmed to serve in my interests alone.

The world doesn't work like that.  I am not entirely selfless either. I'm just realistic about what I can and want to do.

I decided yesterday to write some new targets for myself, especially now I have just had my 5th T shot.

One of my housemates assisted me and this shot was one of the least ouchy.  Not just because she is a trained nurse and seems to have fantastic needle skills but I did exercise for over 90 mins which makes a lot of difference.  I say this because 4mls of castor oil going in the top of your glute can hurt.

It literally is like a solid ball getting lodged there.

Yet at the same time it's a discomfort I have only a few times a year because of the cycle and course I am on.

I feel with each shot it seems to mark a season.

I feel a sense of happiness and wonder every time i have an injection on the basis of finding out what this next cycle shall have in store for me. It's like a secret treasure trove of things that my body shall bring me.  So far everything feels bright but I know in two weeks time I get a few days where I feel a bit sad and unmotivated.

Still the more I familiarise myself with what is going on around me, the easier it is to handle it and embrace it.

I am waiting to hear back from my GP about the letter that she has apparently sent so will see what happens next week if I haven't heard anything by then.

In the mean time I am focusing on ways in which to monetise my surgery, should I need to go private and trying to learn as much as I can on the way about the processes, how it all works and what I should and need to do with myself.

I started a mini diet recently which so far is going well and some weightloss has started (finally!) but it seems a low carb and calorie diet mixed with regular exercise is what my body needs to lose the weight.  That as well as drinking more water.

The more water equals less food intake.  It's also good not to get ill from feeling dehydrated at the same time.

I'm starting to feel healthier and happier and since having a phase of anti-biotics and other unpleasentries it is nice to be feeling more energised and that my body is working well again.

This is leaving space for my head, heart and everything else to start firing on full power. My next T-Shot will mark 1 year on it so that in itself feels like a nice landmark to have reached. I am pleased that so far I have had a steady and consistent change in my body, my voice is dropping steadily and my shoulders are getting broader gradually.

I don't respond well to sudden change when it comes to my body as it triggers my own dysmorphic issues. I hate not knowing when my eyes can't match what I see in my head. Gone are the days where I used to cover up mirrors because I hated my reflection so much but I don't forget that and make sure I work with myself not to go back to that feeling.

The more I have transitioned and learned to respect and find a a bit more of a comfortable footing has helped massively.  My main priorities are to uphold and maintain the work I have done and to not slip and just add more positivity wherever possible.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Wishin' and Hopin'

I like Dusty Springfield when I feel stressed or a bit sad.  There is something about her lyrics which often resonates somewhere as well as making me feel oh so gloriously camp whilst listening to her music at the same time.

Life operates in circles and right now some other feelings I am having are coming back in a new wave of feelings and emotions.  Things are changing around me rapidly, my thoughts are transferring to facts that perhaps not everything is forever.  Things aren't what they were. My head and to some degree heart feel gently punctured and in some parts I am definitely bleeding.

For a number of reasons right now is proving to be a lot more stressful than I thought.

I am finding the process of having to have faith in a lot of things and be hanging, waiting on letters, waiting for things to change or having to rely on people and organizations which in turn means I have to put trust where I feel a bit cautious to do so.

It's not that I wake up feeling like a misery guts and I decide I don't want to trust or I don't want to think positively but at the same time I feel that certain areas of patience have been tested and the hanging on a wire feeling sometimes makes me want to take a pair of scissors and sever the cords.

I keep having desires to run away and try and rid myself from feeling tied down and trapped in situations. All of which rationally points to having some sort of anxieties building up.

Yet for the most part I can acknowledge what is going on, breathe, and continue.

I don't freeze but at the same time there are a few areas in my life right now where if I am honest I know I don't feel 100% happy right now. There is a lot of energy required to make a lot of situations and things happening around me good and energy is something I feel I am lacking in some areas.

It's a lot easier to click into auto pilot and drift along.  Yet the emotional sides of me sometimes chine in and remind me that I am not a robot, and within not being a robot it means that certain areas require my attention.

I'm never going to be someone who can pretend something isn't happening when it is but its finding the right balance of not feeling so melancholic, miserable and whingy to being able to process and acknowledge that not everything is ideal right now.

Life will always have a challenge or two and there is no such thing as a perfect life.  But at the same time it is good to also remember what is good about life. Also what is wanted out of life.

If something isn't feeling so great then now is the time that energy needs finding and focus needs to be added into how to make things good again or how to feel happier at least.

Another thing that is for sure and I definitely need a few days out of London soon whereby I sit and write and do all the things that I want to do that help me empty my head as well as soak in another environment and the energies that are there.

London is a tiring city sometimes and I think that is also another factor that is dragging on me.  Although I travel often, I do so for a very good reason! I like little breaks or at least exploring different surroundings.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

The Middle of The Tunnel

My referral for surgery is in the process of being written.  I had a productive meeting with my GP yesterday who shall be writing to the PCT and the surgeon which I have chosen.
My document from Charing Cross, had a few details in there which were contradictory to one another in certain places.  Also the 'Enclosed list of surgeons' wasn't provided to either myself or my GP. I showed her an email from my lead Dr at Charing Cross stating which surgeon I would like.  So at least she could see come of that communication and not just rely on a letter. 

The letters that come from there are slow. She has only just received my letter now and my appointment was attended in January. 

This was down to the Miss Leng Leng saga, getting a new GP because I was taken off the list at the previous place and now establishing a new relationship with my current one...

The process certainly makes me dizzy.

I am aware that these processes take time.  This is something that is a big part of life and also something which will happen, especially when things involve red tape.

What I do find frustrating is when there are things relating to the red tape come back with contradictions and inaccuracies. Particularly when it shall relate to going to PCT's to establish funding. It isn't an easy, and to be honest it makes me feel a bit stressed.

Since being stuck with the name of Miss Leng Leng for six months without any explanation or any answers as to why this happened, has made me feel quite jaded about having much faith in the system. Yet at the same time I am aware that I am lucky to have at least these options available to me. Many other people on a global scale aren't afforded these services, and I try not to lose sight of that.

I just feel a bit tired of some of this process, which I am positive I am not alone in feeling.

The categorization and the 'ticking of boxes' for numerous departments and agencies; I get it. Doesn't mean I agree with all of it though. I don't like that whenever I have an appointment on at my Doctors and my medical history is pulled up on the computer screen that it says in big letters 'Gender Identity Disorder' and when it was diagnosed.

I don't like the word 'Disorder' being placed on my records. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I am aware that changing gender may not be a social norm, but I am not the only person who is doing so.  Many people transition or are in the process of doing so.

Disorder has a negative connotation associated with it. I know I am different but I don't need to see DISORDER plastered all over my records every time I have an appointment. That type of categorization I find to be insulting.  Just as in some countries in order to get a new passport in chosen you are expected to be sterilized.

To be fair this is beginning to be challenged more and some countries are dropping this policy.  It still reminds me though that there is a bit of a way to go before better equality is reached.

No matter how long I have to wait or whatever bulls*it happens throughout this process, I know I have made the right decision where my life is concerned.

There are a million and one arguments as to why perhaps someone shouldn't transition, or other groups of people feeling affected by it on a personal level: "Why couldn't you be a butch lesbian?" "Do you hate women?" "Did you become a man to have a life filled with privilige?"

"Do you see yourself as a 'real' man?" "Does this mean you want to have a penis?" "Are you now straight?"

Yes these are valid questions and statements but at the same time how I transition and how I live is my business.

What I have or don't have between my legs is for me to know and whoever I shag to find out. 

Aside all of these questions, curiosities and sometimes what feels like people projecting their anxieties with statements started with "You're not going to have phalloplasty are you?" "You're not going to take testosterone forever are you?" "It must be difficult for your girlfriend being part of your situation..." and other things which after a while start to feel really insulting after a while.

I am not a freak, I breathe the same air as everyone else, the only difference is now at this point in my life I am a person followed by a but...

Still right now I am in the middle of a process and a little in limbo which is something that unsettles me. I am anxious about this next stage and if everything will go smoothly.  I hope there are no documentation cock ups and that I am communicated with without having to pester and fight all the time for answers about stuff.

This is something I will have to keep doing, but today I feel tired with the whole thing.

I am almost at the end of my last cycle and I definitely feel that my energy levels surrounding that are starting to burn off.

My energy shall pick up soon, but for the time being I shall keep to remaining on target with my current goals for now.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Cliche Groups and Other Tales...

I had some correspondence back from Charing Cross gender Clinic, after what feels like an age.  Since January 26th and now I had the name of Miss Leng Leng on my medical records and then I was struck off the GP register at my previous practice down to where I lived. I have since found a new GP who seems positive for the most part.

The practice nurse is nice as well.  I outed myself to them and they have been very polite, helpful and relatively friendly.  But I do miss my old Dr. He was really nice and I felt I had a different rapport with him.

Still I received a letter in the post last week that was what my new GP will read when she returns from Annual leave. It was a summary of my last session at the gender clinic. It's weird re-reading things relating to my health, significant life events, childhood, a few traumatising events that I thought I had forgotten, their classifications of my mental health and a bit of a clunkiness as I have a theory that voice activated software was assisting in the report being made.

The best one was discussing my adolescent years at school.  Where I had mentioned that I had encountered a bit of a problem from a few cliquey groups of people the report stated that I had problems from 'Cliched groups of people'.  I suppose it was right in one respect.

It's a bit difficult being a trapezium amongst the shall never quite fit in.  I didn't want to, yet didn't like sticking out like a sort thumb either.

It also was reassuring to see in writing that I don't display "Psychotic behaviour or tendencies" as I think most would be relieved to see.

I know these assessments are required but I can't stand the feeling of being put under a microscope. I have never had any major mental health issues aside having clinical depression. Yet when you transition or have to interact with these psychiatric teams you are watched and asked very string questions.  I also suppose when it comes to someone changing gender then they like to make sure it can fulfill some criteria somewhere that decides whether or not someone is making an informed or mentally sound decision.

I still hate that in order to transition then a gender identity DISORDER has to be diagnosed. I know this debate can be had until the cows come home but it does make me feel uncomfortable. It also isn't nice having it in big letters all over one's electronic records.

Yet I do remember and appreciate that to satisfy the powers that be and the levels of red tape and categorisation both medically and within society that the labels and the big letters are there for a reason.

As are the right boxes, the right pigeon holes and right categories.

It's a bit like pacman in terms of what path to take and how to goggle your way through the maze.

I have written a letter to my GP and will be having a consultation with her before she writes any referrals to the Surgeon that I am hoping to have. I also need to research a bit more as to what is the best approach as she is lovely but has never done this before so it would really be in my favour to have something to give her to speed up my referral.

Given the delay since Miss Leng Leng I am keen to make things move forward as quickly as possible, especially as I know which surgeon I would like.  He accepts NHS referrals and that way the GP and Charing Cross can then move their attentions to the PCT as relevant letters and reports will be needed to go to them so I can secure funding for my surgery.

Especially since the new NHS structure has been announced. I also don't want to go another year in a binder.  As I have been binding for coming up for three years now and that is too long. Also not good for my health.  I am acutely aware that on a daily basis I am crushing my internal organs and the crampy feelings I get are there from binding.

Yet having a DD chest size isn't easy to hide nor can just be hid under a baggy t-shirt. So this is why some of my attentions have really switched towards sorting out stuff for surgery.  The time is literally now.

I want to be able to swim.  I don't want to hide away anymore or endure hot days whereby I am sweltering from having two binders on. 

I am keen to complete.

Still a lot more patience, planning, positive thinking and trying not to feel frustrated shall be in order to make this happen. 

In the meanwhile I will ignore the dripping tap sound I have in my head in terms of the waiting I am experiencing.

Monday, 2 April 2012


I feel suitably Southbanked out, but nicely so. I saw many films, met many people and had a LGBTQI old time.

I saw some really thought provoking documentaries as well as a some interesting cinema.  I saw a few shorts that left me feeling a bit undecided as to what direction was being taken within the narrative but then I appreciate that sometimes there are random endings or a feeling that something is slightly incomplete.

Making a film is tough.  Making a film that will please everyone is even harder. Nothing will tick every single box and amongst the politics that we are confronted with right now withing each faction of our community then there are going to be a few complaints and frowns and people not feeling that there are many resources that speak to them or represent them.

Yet at the same time very few people seem dedicated or have the energy in which to want to create something, thus the cycle continues.

I take my hat off to all of those who did contribute and put something into the film festival this year as this effort and contribution helped make it diverse in certain aspects.

I would love to put something in one day, but that requires the right timing, effort and energy which is something that I don't have in abundance right now. But someday I shall.  I need to have time for work right now, get my health back up to scratch as having a double dose of antibiotics recently has really battered my immune system, and having a bit of hayfever and a cold right now isn't really helping.

But then I think I am going through a bit of a broken phase right now whereby everything seems a bit out of sorts and some of this is definitely down to the fact that I am back in puberty. I have stopped thinking everything is unfair, my acne seems to have calmed down and my voice is dropping more and more.

I feel closer to the person I have always felt I am. I am a bit firmer in opinion and with my personal boundaries.  I respect other people, how they tick but I also expect the same back in return. I am finding that as my confidence grows I am having more positive interactions with people and have been enjoying meeting new people, and catching up with old people.

Life feels quite calm right now and am edging myself on a bit more to now focus on new goals and things of importance.

I have let meself go a bit in terms of training but will be picking up a new exercise regime that includes a return to playing more squash and doing some other form of exercise.  I am going to buy a bike soon and ride it regularly so that acts as an additional form of fitness and would be good to confront the fact that I have been a bit scared about riding a bike in London.

I hate feeling scared of things and I hate hiding from stuff so this summer things will be different.

I desire to just have some quiet and chilled time and this is going to work out well over the Easter weekend.  This time last year I was going to Berlin and although I shall miss it this year I won't miss the exhaustion or tensions that it may also bring. 

I shall be going in September though so it's not going to be too much longer until that time comes around.

June is also starting to play on my mind as that is my next Charing Cross appointment which shall hopefully have the referral moving along by then. There is so much waiting to be had with this process which is why now I think for the sake of everything around me, I make my schedule varied and busier in some respects so that all of this waiting doesn't do my head in to the extent it has been.

Still, there are lots of things to smile about right now and I am feeling more and more positive on the whole about many different things right now.