Friday, 24 June 2011

Mr Montgomery is in da house...

Following my meeting with Dr Curtis I was given a letter in which would enable me to apply for a new passport in new name and gender. I was elated to have that piece of paper and couldn't wait to fill out my application.

I got some mugshots taken and took my application to the very talented literary figure known to us as Lady V. I knew she would be kosher and was also glad to have someone that has been very supportive to me sign my passport. Since day one she has been nothing but supportive and lovely about me transitioning and she has also been a very lovely person to talk to when things have been difficult.

I did appreciate that she was halfway through resting that afternoon as well. Still she signed it, I sent it off and a week and a half later via the post office check and send service I now am Mr Montgomery officially.

OK, I know I have name change documents and bank cards and credit cards in my new name but so far I had nothing photo ID wise and now I do.  I can't believe how happy and complete I feel inside, having this in place.

I also made it one of my goals for 2011 and am pleased that 6 months in I have accomplished one of them.

As long as things move to where we want them to be then things seem to be making progress. I am starting to feel happier, as I am feeling clearer as to what it is I want and where I want to be. Knowing what my objectives are is a big help.

Life does have unexpected surprises that like to crop up from time to time. Also I have learned never to become complacent with whatever situation I am in as unfortunately things can change when you least expect it.  Relationships are something which need constant attention and to be nurtured otherwise they will suffer and in some cases they might drift apart.

Same applies with friendships.  It should never be taken for granted and like relationships they sometimes morph or change into different things, or just quieten down slightly.  I have been looking at a few changes to some friendships of late.  Especially when I look at photos taken last Summer and the Summer before. But that was that moment in time.  Things change. 

The people I have been in close contact with lately are really special to me and it has been lovely to spend time with them.  At the same time people I previously saw more of - there has been a little sorrow where that is concerned but at the same time life changes. I do remember the nice times had and I am sure there will be plenty to come but sometimes it boils down to proximity.

If it's not there it shouldn't be forced or pushed.

Aside this I also have some other goals in place.  Next Tuesday I am having some blood tests done so I can have a second appointment with Dr Curtis in order to start testosterone. I have said for a long long time that I don't want to take hormones, but I would like to try some.

I would be opting for a small dose just to see how it goes and am genuinely curious to see what effects it would have on me.  Also I feel I am missing something and perhaps a small dose of hormone is that? Because I don't know I want to take as small a dose as possible as I have researched and looked into what the side effects are. 

Gel was tempting but I wouldn't want any risk of it rubbing off on the wrong people so I think I will opt to try some shots just so I know there is no risk of anything untoward happening with it. I am not too worried about the thought of doing an injection but also know that there are a few people who have already offered to do my injection for me.

I also need to work on my voice and start finding ways to modulate that as my voice is a dead giveaway it seems.  If I call somewhere they straight away pronoun me to being female which is a problem sometimes so will find ways to make my voice sound deeper or more distinguishable as male.

It's nice to start thinking more about the physical sides of transition. Within this I need to continue exercising like a demon as I don't like my tummy very much when it's out of a binder so amongst the squash playing I think I shall also make sure I start doing some serious training to build up my muscles and get my stomach a bit leaner and more toned.

Again these are accomplishable goals if I work hard at them. Same applies to not smoking.  I haven't had a cigarette since last Saturday night and am trying to keep it that way. It isn't always easy and have had cravings but am finding other things to do other than try and smoke. 

Short term it has been thinking about food but I need to make sure I don't let that get the better of me either. I think I will try and channel it into as much physical exercise as possible or things that tone the body as that can be done anywhere and won't make me overweight.

I want some muscles and to be a ripped, lean flouncing machine!

I am sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as this so far is what is working for me.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011


It's been an eventful week for me.  Last week I was still in pain from teeth and really nervous about having my appointment with Dr Curtis.

I have never felt so nervous in such a long time. I cried for most of the day before I went to see him. I felt so scared that I would be seen to be 'fake' in some way or that I didn't fit any criteria.

With hindsight I also realise that I was very pre-menstrual and getting whacked by the oestrogen cloud can sometimes send me into what feels like a black hole. I felt so weak and small. It was awful. The night before I had a brilliant night with a friend of mine. We had steak, we talked, she made me laugh - I returned to my house where there were friendly and warm people inside of it and the loving arms of E. Yet there was something inside of me that felt awful.

Then in turn I felt guilty for feeling out of place. I was also still in pain.

I also managed to have a misunderstanding with someone last Friday as well. But I apologised and I did calm down too. I also realise that some of my grouchy side has also been visited upon my partner too but I have noticed it and have apologised for that too. 

I hate feeling grumpy but especially with people that are close to me. In some cases I would much rather hide under a rock or sedate myself if I feel like that, as there is nothing worse than feeling guilty and grumpy simultaneously.

Still things are turning a corner slightly.

I went to the appointment on Friday afternoon after getting drenched in the rain, and I semi stripped when I sat in his office with soggy hair.

The consultation seemed relatively straightforward.  He asked about my childhood, how long I had been transitioning for and why I had come to see him.

I went a bit home office on him and said that I wanted a new passport and showed him evidence of my name change, wage slip and bank changes and also pointed out that I was 'out' to all family and friends. I am out and given that if my name is googled at any point it will come back to this blog so there will be no avoiding it.

I also don't mind if people know. But this is my choice.

He gave me a letter that I have placed into a passport application which I am submitting today. It states that I am living full time as a man, and that I intend to continue doing so permanently. I am very happy to have this letter as I know that this will help my application massively, also is something that is compulsory regarding changing gender on a passport.

Being called 'Miss' really disturbs me. I also hate feeling that I am living as a fraud. I am not a biological man, nor ever will be but I am male. This is something that I know I am. I am not a woman. I never was.

Putting on a shirt this morning (without too much sadness I must add) I couldn't help but think how strange and alien I look with breasts. They really don't belong on my body. Just as they didn't on people like Buck Angel and many of millions of trans men.

There aren't so many men out there that are proud to say that they are a man with a vagina. In fact the only person I have ever heard of that talks very happily and comfortably about this is Buck but I too share a similar sentiment.

Don't get me wrong I feel very attached to having a cock as well but its a different feeling.

In a near tantric sense what I was born with is definitely my root and everything else has developed and evolved from it. In some ways I feel I have two hearts.  One in my chest and one between my legs.

Funnily enough I have had stages in life where I think I have been connected more to one rather than the other.  They both operate in different ways yet at the same time I would be lost without the other at the same time.

Today has been a day that fr the first time in ages I have started feeling happier on the inside and more settled with what else has been happening around me. I want to make some changes to my life and I want to also progress with goals I have set myself.

The passport change as high on my list as having photographic and official ID in a new name is very important to me.  Especially whenever I book tickets to travel I won't have to revert back to being a 'Miss' ever again. As I said before it does disturb me. 

I also know that on another level the more things I have legally that confirm I am male has started helping me become less bothered if people call me by a female pronoun. As I feel it is their mistake.
It is interesting that around the time of my period men seem to be able to suss me out as being female much faster and again I am convinced it is down to being able to smell oestrogen on me or if my hair isn't short enough.

Some of this reason and also having the ostrogen black hole every month has now led me to another decision: Hormones.

I want to try testosterone on a low dose for a short period of time such as 3 months. I want to see if the changes are something that I will like, welcome or be ok with.

There is something that is missing inside of me right now and I feel that this might be it, just as I used to feel a similar emptiness before I started binding. I don't feel I want a massive amount of hormone in my system but I think maybe a small amount might 'top up' and help give me a few subtle changes that I would like.

Still for that a blood test needs to be done and then another appointment so again, I am in no massive rush.  The passport was my priority. As I seem to be working on the social side of my transition primarily and then the physical.

I do need to get a bit more buff soon, but am going to go to the leisure centre today so that will be a good step forward, especially if it means I start putting myself back on the wagon as I am now ok to exercise again and where I hurt a rib a few weeks ago that now feels better so now is the time to moving once again.

Monday, 6 June 2011

About A Boy

There have been many changes happening over the last few months and all in all my feelings of 2011 are pretty mixed. Particularly as for vast chunks of it I feel that I have been spent grieving. Certain relationships with family and friends have changed and I need to get used to that.

At the same time relationships change all the time.  Who we were great friends with a year ago might be more distant to us now. Especially if our paths are set not to cross or our spheres aren't at one. I have learned a few things though and that is not to then try and meddle with other relationships had in life.

It is very easy once some negativity sets in to then think everything else is going to fail and in some ways putting more negativity into the internal sphere. It isn't overly logical is it? Yet at the same time without acknowledging or seeing this then the pattern of destruction is bound to continue.

In the last 2 weeks I have moved house (finally) and had 4 wisdom teeth removed and on Friday I am seeing Dr Curtis. This is a momentous week it seems. Also saw a very lovely Lady of Islington and her delightful baby. 

I don't know if he possesses magical powers but suddenly life and the world doesn't seem so rubbish when you look at him or hold him. I am convinced he is a magic baby and what is beautiful about his presence is that he is full of love and the people who made him are full of love for him.

I think this is what is so good about planned children in certain respects.  They are wanted and desired from day one and in effect people were prepared and ready to receive them.

I suppose being queer means that any baby we have will be planned as by and large there is pyrex involved.  I am generalising slightly but I would assume that a high percentage of queer families that plan carefully when and how they can reproduce.

I am still a little bit unsure if I want any children of my own.  I do get broody urges but at the same time I want to feel that I am ready.  Right now I have a lot happening in my head and life to even entertain such thoughts.

I want to feel happy within myself and satisfied that I am accomplishing all that I want.  I also don't want to subject my child to what I am feeling right now. I am not satisfied with myself or with some other aspects of life right now and I would never want to visit that onto them.

It's bad enough doing that to another person, let alone a child.

I also want to become comfortable with myself before I think about children too as I know that in some ways it won't be as simple or straightforward. I am not sure if I want to be a 'Dad' but then something I read once (and make of this what you will) really made sense to me : "It is easy to become a father but it takes someone special to be Daddy"

I am sure my kinkier friends reading this might be stroking their knees a little bit enthusiastically at that one but on a non pervy note this statement makes sense on some levels.

But my short term things to change and get back in order are taking priority.  I need to register at a new Doctors surgery and in some ways I am sad not to have my old GP.  If anyone is living around Bethnal Green I will happily recommend my old GP he is very helpful and forward thinking.  He also was happy to be pushy on my behalf and would do so for any patient he has. 

Hopefully the new one will be helpful too.

The main thing I am looking forward to is for things in my life to calm down a little especially as I have a lot of things I want to do.  This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be to begin with and I feel as if I am drowning slightly.

Feeling lonely, ugly and confused is possibly not the best place to be in. I don't need people to tell me that I am the opposite of these feelings but I just wish I could sometimes feel that lovely happy and content feeling that I see other people having.

The last 4 months have been one sudden change to another and I am pleased that a sense of grounding is happening as quite honestly I am feeling exhausted. I also feel that I am failing on certain levels.  A lot of this is down to changing and not really knowing who it is I am any longer and feeling disconnected from within.

It also doesn't help when you realise that you have failed to see what is good about life and people as well and feel that you are a little black cloud to everyone else's sunshine. Yet this is what depression and depression type feelings like to do.  It shall make you feel more vulnerable, isolated and lonely.

Before you can blink it can have you by the throat, if you let it.  Just as the title of a song by Garbage suggests "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" and even a song by Radiohead "Exit Music For A Film" it also speaks about breathing. I try to remember that song rather than listen to it as it is a bit of a suicidal soundtrack otherwise.

I do see a difference in feeling like a miserable git and actually wallowing in being a miserable git.

This is the thing. I know I am depressed on some levels. Having had clinical depression for a number of years I do know the difference between feeling a bit down and feeling the chemical effects of the depression.

Managing it and being honest about it I find works for me. It also gives me something to fight back against. A lot of my time I manage it fairly well. But right now I am taking a few lumps and there is a part of me that thinks this isn't fair.

I have started an internal protest but I need to put down whatever is barricaded inside of me as this is isolating me further. I don't want to be shut off to the point that I stop giving love or feeling love at the same time either.

This is difficult to deal with as there is a guilt to be felt within this.  Especially when there are some people in my life that are really lovely and loving towards me. I feel that I am failing them when these feelings occur.

Yet I know that with a bit f time the feelings will quieten down.

Now I have moved I am settling into a lovely house, with cool people in it and initially I was freaking out slightly about living with 5 people I am enjoying it.  So far living with E hasn't presented any problems and I am feeling more and more that living communally is the way forward. I like that there is more of a sharing mentality to be had in a house like this and it's lovely to be able to share food with each other too. I like that we can all cook together too if we feel like it and also if we want to have time to chill on our own there isn't a forced feeling of compulsory interaction. Although given how much everyone seems to like baking in this house I need to sort out my gym membership pronto!

The more time that passes in here the more I feel that I am a part of the house and I feel less of it being E's house. Having separate rooms definitely helps this and I think in some ways it has been a nice next step to experience within our relationship as it's a next step but one that feels right and we both still retain our own independence to some degree.  But at the same time it's nice to know that even if we don't see other all day or all night we have the option to wake up or fall asleep with the other if we want.

Just as if we wanted a night to sleep like starfish alone in bed we have that choice. Choice is something massively underrated but I think it is important to try and incorporate as much as possible. As that way it doesn't put too many pressures on the relationship. Because we spent s long practically living together I think its nice that we do but have a bit more independence in some respects as we aren't a 'guest' in each other's space and a strange feeling of having to host one another isn't there.

I don't plan on becoming lazy where dates are concerned though. As I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking "we live together so we don't need to go on dates" kind of attitude.  But it does give scope for other things to happen in a slightly creative sense.

Sparkle keeps any relationship thriving as well as patience, understanding and positivity. As well as remembering to buy cereal.