Saturday, 30 July 2011

The Waiting Game

Tuesday was shot day. E came with me to which I was really happy about especially as I felt so nervous. I didn't know what to expect other than it would hurt and maybe I would feel sick after wards.

In reality yes it did hurt as it felt tender then felt like fire on the spot where I had been injected.  Then it started stinging. I had a bit of a John Wayne hobble for a lot of the day but found that it interchanged between stinging, acing then feeling ok.

The last couple of days it has been a little tender and feeling more like an insect bite than anything else.

Other that that I don't have much else to report. My throat has been feeling a bit thicker, I have found myself needing to clear my throat more than before but that's been about it. I have started to grow in certain places which was a pleasant surprise, but haven't felt it as such but have noticed it.

One side effect I was concerned about would be libido increase. I thought this would be quite instant but I feel pretty much the same. If anything I think my horn levels have dropped slightly - but I think this is down to being busy and tired. I don't feel as scared of this happening as I used to as I have been learning how to manage a high libido for quite a while.

Even on especially horny days I don't have the desire to hump everyone and everything in sight. If I am to have sex I want it to feel like there is some form of meaningful exchange.  If I need quick relief I see to myself.

I used to have lots of one night stands and I am not anti it at all. But right now I want to get used to the changes in how my body is starting to change and is going to change.

I feel sleepy a lot of the time which is a feeling I wasn't expecting but I also think my body will be going through an adjustment stage of getting used to what is going on inside of it.

I have started doing some training. To which will help and will be good in working to change the shape of my body. I want muscles and to have nice definition and given I don't have an athletic background I know I will need to do some work where that is concerned. Weights, squats abdominal exercises will pay off in the long run...even if I find that type of exercise tedious and boring.

I am also determined to be able to do pull ups by the end of the year.  So for that I will continue to do exercises that mean I can start doing those as well.

This is what I like about setting goals, as I work my hardest to achieve them.

So far my goals for this year are being met or are about to be met.  This offers me structure and security to know where some things are at.  On a personal note 2011 has had more than enough curve balls to play with. I now want to find armistice somewhere amongst what has at times been emotional debry.

Still life does change and things like family and relationships if they are important to you shouldn't be taken for granted. It sounds all so simple doesn't it? But it's true. 

I have made it my personal goal to make sure I show people around me that I care about that I appreciate them a little more and try not to focus on negative things.

Earlier on this year I did become quite ill in some respects.  If I was to describe some of the depression I was experiencing it was as if my heart became slightly engulfed - turning a red heart, black. I found it hard to say many positive things to the people around me or to clearly see positive things.  It was difficult to sometimes remember when things were super rosy.

To be fair some of it was depression and some of it was because a few bad things started happening. Like with all things you sometimes have to go through it to come out of the other side. I look at what is good in life and that is because I started focussing my energies into things I knew that could make a difference.

I hold a similar opinion to this now with work, and with how I see other people. I have to find ways in which to use the energy and resources I have to keep my sphere a harmonious one. There is no point in letting everything slip away when I know I can change things if I want to.

Since I confronted what was making me scared it gave me confidence and power to start putting changes in for myself and I did find that blocking out what I thought other people thought about things was a wise option for myself.

Especially where transition is concerned. It may sound a bit harsh but with regard to things that effect my body and my life I can't have my first thoughts being based around people close to me but it actually has to start with would I want or be comfortable with something I want to put into place.

I am pleased that from consulting with Dr Curtis I had a choice as to what testosterone I would be taking and how I wanted to take it and when. These are things that are important to anyone and also a great way to feel a sense of independence and assertiveness as to who I am.

Naturally if I started displaying behaviour that was upsetting people close to me or if I started acting like an arse then I would want to be told but those close to me would tell me, so on that level I feel a bit more safe.

I am changing inside, I feel that but also emotionally there are parts of me that are changing. So far it is feeling nice.  I don't feel as anxious as I used to feel but am awash with a new energy at the moment which is lovely.  It's a similar energy I felt to when I first started binding and a feeling of closeness emerging to the shell and who I had always longed to be internally.

Still there is work to be done as part of phase 3.  I can't wait for the day that I have surgery rather than feeling I have gel packs squidged to the front of my chest. But like everything else it involves hard work and determination.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Phase 3

Tomorrow I am going to embark on what I have referred to as 'Phase 3' of my transition. From where I decided to start changes socially, phase 2 was the legals and now phase 3 is the start of the physical changes.

I feel a mixture of excitement, curiosity and a little anxiety about having my first shot of Nebido tomorrow. I seems that since I decided I would try testosterone the time to have it has come around very quickly but this time I feel I am welcoming it.

I want something that will help me pass better and to feel that I have more of a masculine essence internally as well as externally. It will also be interesting to see if around the time of my period if I pass better.  Every month when I am just about to come on and when I am bleeding I get identified as female far more than at any other time of the month. 

I am convinced that chemically my female hormones are being picked up on more.  I say this as a while ago (when just about to have a period) I was hot on by straight men at a party who told me really lame and cringe-worthy things like I have pretty eyes, I look very beautiful and could they take me out for a drink...I don't exactly look like the typical delicate, pretty eyed fodder that people go for.  I'm not the big rough tough type either. I don't really fit into any category but one thing is for sure I am not a woman.

I just happened to be born with a chest that had breasts attached. Looking at it I feel like I have some genetic mutation stuck to me. Still one day there will be surgery to remove that.  As for the other parts of me, I feel ok with that.

I need to lose weight soon which I am going to work on.  I want muscles and to feel like an adonis...I am an Aquarian - we like to fantasise a lot ok?

In a few weeks time I have my Charing Cross appointment too so hopefully then we can start opening up the discussion as regards surgery and what happens next.

But before that I have been lucky to have had people share many words of wisdom as regards how is the best way to take the T. All the messages I have received I really cannot thank you all enough for taking the time out to write to me and give me some advice.

Tomorrow at 10am I shall get to see what it's like.  I am expecting a buttock to feel like I have a golf ball inside of it and am hoping that I don't feel tender for too long.  Especially as I shall be repeating the experience in another 6 weeks from now.

Purple bum here I come...

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Ready To Jump

I feel like I am standing at the end of a diving board, waiting to jump.  I want to but I keep feeling doubts holding me back and making my knees almost buckle.

Next week will mark another set of changes.  We are almost ready to show our site to testers that we have been working on, I am nervous and excited about this as it seems closer to the moment that it's here.  There is a lot riding on this and I hope that what we are aiming to put out will be well received by those who will be looking at our site.

I have also booked my second appointment with Dr Curtis.  Again I feel really nervous about seeing him, I don't know why but I just get really anxious before I have an appointment with him. I think I have worked out the reason why though and that is because seeing him (just as seeing people at Charing Cross) will make everything real.

There is no more talk to be had about the situation - it is all about making actions.

As long as I know I have an exit or a 'Plan B' then I feel safe.  I say this because I hate feeling that I am in situations whereby I don't have a choice or that I have done something which means I will be trapped.

The hormones debate is starting to bubble and rage in my head and heart which is why I want to take things slowly. If on a small dose I don't like it or feel it creates changes which aren't good for my well being then I will definitely come off it. So far I have been doing well in my transition without hormones.

I am not against them but I have been trying to transition as organically as possible.  I also haven't felt mentally prepared to do so. Now I feel I am in a position whereby I feel comfortable with trying it. It might help me pass better, I might feel more of a masculinity embracing my innards...I don't know until I have tried some.

I do have some concerns.  This might affect my relationships with other people and I have had concerns as to whether or not this will affect the relationship I have with E.

On an intimate level things do change in relationships a lot.  I was thinking about that last night when I was having dinner with E.  At being together just under 18 months, I didn't think we would come this far.  Not for being negative but when we first met we were a bit different in some respects and also I think when we met we weren't looking for a big love thing to happen.

It well and truly happened. There have been some testing moments but in many ways I am glad that we have experienced them together and each thing has brought us closer together and our love for each other has grown.

The love we have is an honest love. So far my gender hasn't created too many complications because we met whilst I have been Leng.  She also recognises me as male. It's the first relationship I have had whereby I have been someone's boyfriend. It's quite sweet in some respects as it is always nice in whatever relationship we have in life to have something that is special to that person.

For some it might be a particular orgasm or sexual awakening that might have taken place, or in others it can be a moment whereby they felt that the relationship had other firsts for both sides or certain shared experiences that make a relationship really special.

Each connection in life will always be memorable for a variety of reasons.

Maintaining a relationship is hard work, especially when fluctuating gender comes into play. I have read some really heartbreaking accounts of people thinking that they will never meet someone who understands them because they are trans. Or couples splitting up because one of the couple couldn't love or accept their partner in their preferred gender.

There can be so many associated issues with having a partner who has no fixed gender or is in process of changing gender.  The questions that can sometimes come up can be a bit confusing, but all relevant in certain respects.

I think it's normal to sometimes have fears that I hope I don't end up joining others who have experienced that yet at the same time it does make me cherish what is good about my own relationship.  Like all things it needs attention and nurturing in order to survive.  In many ways I see relationships as delicate organisms and not just a source of multiple orgasms.

I am excited about some aspects of commencing Phase 2 of my transition, but I do feel a little bit apprehensive - but only because I am stepping into new and unwarranted territory.  Perhaps I sound a bit naive or stupid but I didn't think I would come this far.

3 years ago I never thought I would be binding every day or have a new name.  I had wished that I wasn't the person I was. I never wanted the female shell that I inhabited.  I hated my face, how I looked and never felt that I was me. Then 2009 happened and suddenly I realised where all the out of place feelings and gaps between life and my body had emerged.

I didn't think I would take Testosterone nor thought it would be an option for me. 

This is something which is a joy to be had within transitioning and that is being able to live a life that feels true and is your own.  It's almost like a second lease of life in some respects.

It can be scary but at the same time it feels right and I can't ignore that.  Nor will I spend the rest of my life in isolation or in too much fear that I won't have relationships that will last because of who I am or that I won't be able to sustain love because I might become a hormonal handful.

These aren't nice thoughts to have, yet at the same time I know where they come from and I try to manage it as best I can. There are certain feelings that are becoming more important to me I just hope that I will experience them.

Certain things I don't want to be formed as a fantasy but that is something for another day.

Monday, 4 July 2011


I've caved.  I have decided to try Testosterone.

Although there are some things about it which I am not overly enthused about I would like to see if taking a really small dose will make much of a difference to me.  I have also had a growing curiosity as to how much having male hormone will make me feel. 

At present I feel my body is missing something, a similar missing something feeling I had before I started binding.  There have been moments over the last 4 months whereby I feel that there are parts of me that are 'too female' is such a thing can exist.

The oestrogen black hole I find myself in once a month is becoming more and more difficult to cope with. If there is a way the male side of myself can be stimulated rather than suffocated I would happily try something along those lines. 

I am happy to accept that there is a mass change happening in me already and this is why parts of me can't rest. I am not yet satisfied with how a few things are and because of this I am working hard to start putting in some changes.  It has to be done or otherwise I will be sat on the fence with regard to a few things.  I also hate feeling that I am restless when it comes to getting something sorted out. 

Once things are in place I feel a lot calmer in regard to knowing what I want to do next rather than feeling that I am in limbo.  That is a place I struggle with and hate feeling that everything I do is under control of something else. I can't handle that type of situation. 

I am a bit worried that I will change too much and that in some ways I am starting to kill of certain parts of myself.  Yet at the same time I know that the person I was a couple of years ago isn't who I am now. Also we are always changing as people so I won't make myself ill over that.

I know more clearly what I want out of life and now my main energies are making sure that I achieve it.

I had blood tests done last week in preparation to go back to Dr Curtis and then I shall  discuss further how much Testosterone I shall take as well as think about side effects. I have my next appointment with him booked for the 13th so after that I should have a script for my GP who has then agreed to give me an appointment with the nurse at the clinic so I can learn how to safely inject myself.Also the other things I need to know about as well.

I have read up about the side effects and have decided to try and take as low a dose as possible just to see how I find it. Before I take it I will also have to look into when I will and will be having a few conversations with a few people regarding implications and possible changes. 

I am fully expecting some mood change to occur as well but how and what I don't know. What I have promised myself and others around me is if I don't react well to it or don't like it then I can always come off it.

I am not being bound by any law or any pressure to take it for the rest of my life. But this is something I feel I am ready to experience now.

I have spent a long time working on the social side of my transition and now I think the time is starting to come whereby it would be good to start working more on the physical side of things.

My body is also prepared for it.  I haven't smoked now for 15 days so I am feeling pleased about that but at the same time I know that I need to up my fitness and monitor diet otherwise I will put on weight.  Lots of people do when they quit smoking and I have found myself craving sweet things more than I did before. Still with the right balance, motivation and control I know I can do this. 

My appointment with Charing Cross is also starting to get closer so am quite intrigued and excited as to how that is going to go as well. As well as nervous.  When I start seeing them I want to discuss surgery options as well as how I go about sorting out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) especially as I have a lot of things working in my favour.

But what is definitely needed now is to step up some of the physical side of things. My breasts have to go.  There is no if, but or maybe about it.  They don't belong on my body anymore. Hopefully by the time I am 29 I shall be breast free.

I will no longer feel trapped in the confines of a sweaty binder, hoping I have bound well so that I don;t ave too much of a protruding mono-boob on display under my t shirts.

I would love to walk around bear chested if the mood took me or an even nicer thing would be to be able to swim. 

I need to continue working on my stomach though as luckily the binding gives me a relatively flat tummy but when it is free I have noticed I have a bit of a pot belly going on which I will rectify by the end of summer. I might not have a rippling 6 or 8 pack...yet but something a little flatter would be nice.

Like everything else this is all a work in progress.  I have started doing some weight training and as soon as I start sorting out and finalising some of my surgery stuff I will be doing a big solid plan in terms of training to get my body well and truly prepared for the changes that are going to happen.