I feel like I am standing at the end of a diving board, waiting to jump. I want to but I keep feeling doubts holding me back and making my knees almost buckle.
Next week will mark another set of changes. We are almost ready to show our site to testers that we have been working on, I am nervous and excited about this as it seems closer to the moment that it's here. There is a lot riding on this and I hope that what we are aiming to put out will be well received by those who will be looking at our site.
I have also booked my second appointment with Dr Curtis. Again I feel really nervous about seeing him, I don't know why but I just get really anxious before I have an appointment with him. I think I have worked out the reason why though and that is because seeing him (just as seeing people at Charing Cross) will make everything real.
There is no more talk to be had about the situation - it is all about making actions.
As long as I know I have an exit or a 'Plan B' then I feel safe. I say this because I hate feeling that I am in situations whereby I don't have a choice or that I have done something which means I will be trapped.
The hormones debate is starting to bubble and rage in my head and heart which is why I want to take things slowly. If on a small dose I don't like it or feel it creates changes which aren't good for my well being then I will definitely come off it. So far I have been doing well in my transition without hormones.
I am not against them but I have been trying to transition as organically as possible. I also haven't felt mentally prepared to do so. Now I feel I am in a position whereby I feel comfortable with trying it. It might help me pass better, I might feel more of a masculinity embracing my innards...I don't know until I have tried some.
I do have some concerns. This might affect my relationships with other people and I have had concerns as to whether or not this will affect the relationship I have with E.
On an intimate level things do change in relationships a lot. I was thinking about that last night when I was having dinner with E. At being together just under 18 months, I didn't think we would come this far. Not for being negative but when we first met we were a bit different in some respects and also I think when we met we weren't looking for a big love thing to happen.
It well and truly happened. There have been some testing moments but in many ways I am glad that we have experienced them together and each thing has brought us closer together and our love for each other has grown.
The love we have is an honest love. So far my gender hasn't created too many complications because we met whilst I have been Leng. She also recognises me as male. It's the first relationship I have had whereby I have been someone's boyfriend. It's quite sweet in some respects as it is always nice in whatever relationship we have in life to have something that is special to that person.
For some it might be a particular orgasm or sexual awakening that might have taken place, or in others it can be a moment whereby they felt that the relationship had other firsts for both sides or certain shared experiences that make a relationship really special.
Each connection in life will always be memorable for a variety of reasons.
Maintaining a relationship is hard work, especially when fluctuating gender comes into play. I have read some really heartbreaking accounts of people thinking that they will never meet someone who understands them because they are trans. Or couples splitting up because one of the couple couldn't love or accept their partner in their preferred gender.
There can be so many associated issues with having a partner who has no fixed gender or is in process of changing gender. The questions that can sometimes come up can be a bit confusing, but all relevant in certain respects.
I think it's normal to sometimes have fears that I hope I don't end up joining others who have experienced that yet at the same time it does make me cherish what is good about my own relationship. Like all things it needs attention and nurturing in order to survive. In many ways I see relationships as delicate organisms and not just a source of multiple orgasms.
I am excited about some aspects of commencing Phase 2 of my transition, but I do feel a little bit apprehensive - but only because I am stepping into new and unwarranted territory. Perhaps I sound a bit naive or stupid but I didn't think I would come this far.
3 years ago I never thought I would be binding every day or have a new name. I had wished that I wasn't the person I was. I never wanted the female shell that I inhabited. I hated my face, how I looked and never felt that I was me. Then 2009 happened and suddenly I realised where all the out of place feelings and gaps between life and my body had emerged.
I didn't think I would take Testosterone nor thought it would be an option for me.
This is something which is a joy to be had within transitioning and that is being able to live a life that feels true and is your own. It's almost like a second lease of life in some respects.
It can be scary but at the same time it feels right and I can't ignore that. Nor will I spend the rest of my life in isolation or in too much fear that I won't have relationships that will last because of who I am or that I won't be able to sustain love because I might become a hormonal handful.
These aren't nice thoughts to have, yet at the same time I know where they come from and I try to manage it as best I can. There are certain feelings that are becoming more important to me I just hope that I will experience them.
Certain things I don't want to be formed as a fantasy but that is something for another day.