I've caved. I have decided to try Testosterone.
Although there are some things about it which I am not overly enthused about I would like to see if taking a really small dose will make much of a difference to me. I have also had a growing curiosity as to how much having male hormone will make me feel.
At present I feel my body is missing something, a similar missing something feeling I had before I started binding. There have been moments over the last 4 months whereby I feel that there are parts of me that are 'too female' is such a thing can exist.
The oestrogen black hole I find myself in once a month is becoming more and more difficult to cope with. If there is a way the male side of myself can be stimulated rather than suffocated I would happily try something along those lines.
I am happy to accept that there is a mass change happening in me already and this is why parts of me can't rest. I am not yet satisfied with how a few things are and because of this I am working hard to start putting in some changes. It has to be done or otherwise I will be sat on the fence with regard to a few things. I also hate feeling that I am restless when it comes to getting something sorted out.
Once things are in place I feel a lot calmer in regard to knowing what I want to do next rather than feeling that I am in limbo. That is a place I struggle with and hate feeling that everything I do is under control of something else. I can't handle that type of situation.
I am a bit worried that I will change too much and that in some ways I am starting to kill of certain parts of myself. Yet at the same time I know that the person I was a couple of years ago isn't who I am now. Also we are always changing as people so I won't make myself ill over that.
I know more clearly what I want out of life and now my main energies are making sure that I achieve it.
I had blood tests done last week in preparation to go back to Dr Curtis and then I shall discuss further how much Testosterone I shall take as well as think about side effects. I have my next appointment with him booked for the 13th so after that I should have a script for my GP who has then agreed to give me an appointment with the nurse at the clinic so I can learn how to safely inject myself.Also the other things I need to know about as well.
I have read up about the side effects and have decided to try and take as low a dose as possible just to see how I find it. Before I take it I will also have to look into when I will and will be having a few conversations with a few people regarding implications and possible changes.
I am fully expecting some mood change to occur as well but how and what I don't know. What I have promised myself and others around me is if I don't react well to it or don't like it then I can always come off it.
I am not being bound by any law or any pressure to take it for the rest of my life. But this is something I feel I am ready to experience now.
I have spent a long time working on the social side of my transition and now I think the time is starting to come whereby it would be good to start working more on the physical side of things.
My body is also prepared for it. I haven't smoked now for 15 days so I am feeling pleased about that but at the same time I know that I need to up my fitness and monitor diet otherwise I will put on weight. Lots of people do when they quit smoking and I have found myself craving sweet things more than I did before. Still with the right balance, motivation and control I know I can do this.
My appointment with Charing Cross is also starting to get closer so am quite intrigued and excited as to how that is going to go as well. As well as nervous. When I start seeing them I want to discuss surgery options as well as how I go about sorting out my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) especially as I have a lot of things working in my favour.
But what is definitely needed now is to step up some of the physical side of things. My breasts have to go. There is no if, but or maybe about it. They don't belong on my body anymore. Hopefully by the time I am 29 I shall be breast free.
I will no longer feel trapped in the confines of a sweaty binder, hoping I have bound well so that I don;t ave too much of a protruding mono-boob on display under my t shirts.
I would love to walk around bear chested if the mood took me or an even nicer thing would be to be able to swim.
I need to continue working on my stomach though as luckily the binding gives me a relatively flat tummy but when it is free I have noticed I have a bit of a pot belly going on which I will rectify by the end of summer. I might not have a rippling 6 or 8 pack...yet but something a little flatter would be nice.
Like everything else this is all a work in progress. I have started doing some weight training and as soon as I start sorting out and finalising some of my surgery stuff I will be doing a big solid plan in terms of training to get my body well and truly prepared for the changes that are going to happen.