Monday, 21 February 2011


Last Thursday my documents arrived for me to change my name.  I signed and had my lovely neighbour L countersign for me. I am now waiting for my certificates to come back and then I can start contacting the bank, my boss and all the other admin!

I can also submit the name change certificate to Charing Cross too as I have until March 10th to confirm formally that I want a place with them.  This will be a wonderful to enter the system with my new name of Leng Montgomery.

It feels surreal to finally have this as my name and in doing some name research I had a bit of a giggle.  The name Montgomery is one I have liked for a long time but before it legally becoming my new name I never bothered researching the meaning of it.  I did last week and it means "Powerful Man" quite fitting I thought. 

Saying that I could do with going to the gym a bit more as well as squash but for the last week and a bit I have been feeling ill. As I write this I now have a stinking cold, my sinuses are completely blocked and my nose is really painful.  That as well as coughing up green things, as well as hair like an 80s warewolf.

I feel very sexy right now. Not.

I know I will be better soon so no point dwelling on it.  It's just frustrating.

I had a wonderful weekend spent in Lisbon with E. I keep reliving that with lovely memories of a great place and having a lovey time.  I felt I reconnected with my camera having interestingly lit places to experiment with depth of field and frame and create photographs that I was creating with my minds eye before I was shooting them. It was wonderful.  That coupled with an AMAZING place to stay...the bed was so big we could both sleep like star fish and still have space.

The decor was some of the best interior design I have ever seen and the place was well located.  Navigation wasn't too complicated either, nd I managed to read a map the right way a couple of times so was pleased about that.

The food we ate too was reasonably priced and really lovely. I also liked that there was a passion about what was being served and created also. 

The people in Lisbon were really lovely.  Well with exception for E who seemed to attract the attentions of two rather slimy men on the metro.  The first guy was a real creep and I didn't see what he initially did but he kept looking at her, licking his lips and then touched his groin. That was disgusting and we moved very quickly.

But as a slight aside, why do people do things like that?  What does a person seek to achieve with that, like seriously?

The other slimy man kept looking at her in a slightly leery way but luckily he was going down an escalator and we were going up so there was no harm done. Also in any situation like this its all about the attitude one keeps.  E has a no nonsense approach to situations like this an takes no prisoner and that is something I admire about her.

It also reminds me of when my Mum used to drill into me not to respond to people being creepy and not to be afraid to speak up or out loudly that what someone is doing is wrong and that it's their problem.

For a mental note the slimeballs were to be found on the Green Line around Baixa-Chiado. So although the behaviour wasn't on at least we could isolate the exact area as to where it seemed to happen. 

Still there were so many beautiful and lovely other happenings going on that I feel confident to say that these two incidents were semi isolated.  We walked around Rossio area which was littered with wonderful tiles, had rides on wonderful trams and also had other adventures on giant lifts as well as going to one of the best aquariums ever. We also rode a cable car, too photos of more breathtaking architecture that Lisbon had to offer and then on our last day we went to Sintra.

There we explored some castles, did a mini hike and reluctantly returned, had some natas and then dragged ourselves to the airport.

If I could have barricaded myself in the room we were staying in I think I would have. 

The flight back was painful as by then my sinuses were in full on ouch mode and I can tell you having popping ears and a feeling of a metal vice across my face wasn't nice at all.  Still for every pleasure in life there is sometimes some form of pain.  Only I prefer it to be consensual - or negotiated at the very least.

Monday, 14 February 2011

It's all happening...

Since I last wrote this I am waiting for my Deed Poll documents, and since then Charing Cross has written back asking if I want to have an appointment. I'm very impressed with the speed of it all but now I feel charged with adrenaline and god knows what else as it's all happening at once.

I'm also slightly unwell at the moment (physically). But saw the doc today, having a blood test on Wednesday and then after that they will find out and investigate a little more what is going on. For that reason, even though feeling unwell is unpleasant I feel at ease that I know whatever is wrong it will get sorted out.

I must say having such a nice, proactive and efficient doctor really takes the stress and annoyance out of everything. With anything I know that if it needs investigating he will do it, without there having to be a battle or tension emerging.

He is a really lovely doctor to have, and I feel very lucky to be getting his support. Also as I think I might have said before but it's so shocking to have a doctor that wants to be helpful...I am still getting used to this.

This week my mind is whirring between many things.  I received lovely cards from E today which was lovely.  I have chosen something for her which I think is more than suitable and not marked so much with the spirit of hallmark but has something appropriate for both of our somewhat random and twisted senses of humour.

Also going away at the weekend which I am really excited about. I can't wait to explore but in the meantime I have quite a bit of work to plough through, body to get better and a whole load of other things.

As long as my brain applies itself and I forge ahead that is all I want.  I should receive my name change documents this week so once I get them and sign them it will be a big change starting.  I shall make a note of the date it all changes but then I think at some point in March or even April will plan a small party to mark this as I want to celebrate with people that are special to me and in lieu of not seeing some people over my Birthday I think a new day can be created.  Or might just wait until September when I am 2.

It sounds a bit strange being 27 and 2 all at the same time.  Trust me it's a pain in the arse sometimes when you find yourself having a tantrum over a salad, but this is what happens.

It's all about taking things as they come and doing what feels right.

This is one thing I am glad I have done throughout my transition. I am definitely ready to gear up a notch or two. Love and happiness from within depend on some of this in the sense that I need to put the work in now not just with myself but with my life.  Otherwise I know I will be sat on the floor and will feel stuck. I need to hyperbole my life a little bit more in order to move things along, make them happen.

I want to have a new passport by the end of Summer.  For that I need to step things up now.  I also have to bite the bullet, change everything officially because I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right path for me.

I can't work for a company that promotes people being themselves  and expressing themselves and being a fence sitter (in my own eyes). 

There is no doubt anymore or even a feeling that I should wait any longer.  The time is now.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

V Day is coming...

What does love mean to you?  This has been something of which I have been pondering slightly, and I think especially as Valentines Day gets closer. That is the reminder that there is a forced sense of romance coming anyhow.  But regardless as to whether you like it or consider it to be a 'Hallmark Holiday' we as people do like to celebrate and experience love - in whatever manifestation that it shall place itself in.

I consider myself a fairly romantic person in some respects. I don't think I need to write poems declaring my love on a daily basis, nor do I have to do unimaginative things such as send cuddly toys or send heart shaped pictures of everything to someone I have feelings for, but I like to feel that there is a warmth from relationships I have.  I only tell someone I love them if I mean it and also I know I love someone when I can push away any hang ups surrounding intimacy and emotional exchange.

If I tell someone I love them, it's a big deal.  I don't use the word lightly, and never say it unless I know I feel it.  I find this is a slightly more honest way of doing things. 

I think to truly love someone you can openly and happily say it without it being littered with complications or treating someone like they are a secret or that there is a weird connection to begin with.  Maybe I am slightly primitive in my thinking but I think if someone wants the right to make demands on another person, or have boundaries set out for how they interact with others, then if its because someone does love another then they should have the balls to say so and to demonstrate as such.  Otherwise I see a weird game of control being played out.

Still that is also the romantic in me preaching slightly.  But I do think if you truly love someone then there shouldn't be a problem in openly acknowledging that, as I think it's important to be proud of who you are with. Or the people you are with if that is the case.

But people express love differently.  I am fast learning this.  Some people do it by gesture - be it small or big it is a person's way of individualising their expression.  I have a friend who definitely shows his love for people in the way he cooks.  It is amazing seeing the intricacy and intimacy that stems from his expression on a plate and for the entire experience you receive when you are in his company.

My own Mother does the same if she is cooking me my favorite things.

E is very vocal about expressing herself but she also does so through gestures.  

I do the same. I also like to make sure I remember things that are special to a person, such as a time or place.  If I know they haven't experienced something before that I think they would like and where possible I try to facilitate that happening. But another thing that I have become acutely aware of recently is how well do I express myself to others?  Also do I let people know I care enough?  Its tricky sometimes especially when I know I have moments where I find it hard to feel warmth from other people so I don't know in some ways if I have been doing a good enough job of expressing warmth back.

This is where some other aspects of love can become slightly tricky and that is does intention meet the actions? I really hope it does but at the same time it is sometimes a case of wait and see. As long as the intention is there and there is an honesty then I think we can't go wrong with that as a starting block.

Although I have to admit there are some things to do with love that scare me - being close to people emotionally and physically can be difficult sometimes yet I do know if I meet people where there are strong feelings then I can and am willing to push those feelings down and will take a risk. But the other thing I don't like about feeling romantically inclined is that sometimes I feel certain things magnified if I feel a sense of disharmony emerging.

I also hate how crap I feel if I upset someone I really care about, but fortunately that doesn't seem to happen too often so am quite lucky in that respect. But at the same time no one's perfect but I think it's good to learn from past mistakes. But at the same time I think it's wise not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

But again I respect and acknowledge that people will do things differently.  I am by no means trying to be self-righteous but at the same time I know that I have been working hard to transform myself.  This is something still in process and as T said to me recently transition is 'an evolution' and I really understand what he means by that.

The main thing I concentrate on at the moment is trying to remember what I am and what I am not.  I have had to be honest internally about so many things over the past year and even in the last couple of weeks.

I am very excited about getting my deed poll documents and doing the name change.  After it has become more official in the sense that I have new post and new bank cards I shall then plan a party to mark that.  I have a few ideas up my sleeve as to what I would want to potentially do and like a true queen I am not sure if I would mark having my new name as my second 'birthday' or mark September 18th as a date that I started transitioning.  All of the dates will be special to me and I suppose I don't have to decide as of yet so will just see what feels right.

I also have to work on using a new signature too as currently I keep getting lost as to what to sign! Or how to sign.

So far L.Monty is something I am growing quite attached to.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Name Change

It's going to happen, like really going to happen. 

I just need the right forms, right paper, right signatures and hey presto it's done!  Oh and some witnesses would be great as well.  So far I think I will most likely ask my Mother and E to be witnesses, but will double check that it is someone who isn't a relative.

I feel really strange all of a sudden but in a good way.  I will no longer be Cleo anymore. Within three months I can start to do things like have new bank cards, new name on all my utility bills, bank statements, correspondence.

I have already started having things delivered in the name of Mr Leng Montgomery and I love how it looks on a packing label.

Seeing it, just feels right and gives me a fuzzy, warm feeling in my stomach. Rather than my legal name which makes me feel that it is a stranger being referred to.

Still one step at a time, need to do the name, get stuff signed, then start doing the changeover. This to me feels like phase two beginning and with that there is new energy surfacing. 

I am considering planning something to mark this, but haven't decided what as of yet.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

I sometimes write stories too...

I sometimes like to write random things.  Here is an example of what 30 minutes and aching joints can do to a person.

Monty and The Wolf

“Offer me this” said the wolf to the young boy. With that he pointed at the boys chest. “I want to free you and find your soul.” With that, the boy lay flat on the table the wolf was sat at and allowed the wolf to rip his chest apart with his claws and expose him. 

Folds of skin and the boy’s breasts rolled away, like falling oranges. The heart pulsated strongly, pumping blood through his body, the muscles around it housing it beating faster and faster.

The boy’s head began to float as well as his adrenaline surge.  He knew that if his heart would leave, his mind would follow with it, leaving the shed skin of his previous body behind.

He was ready to leave and be consumed by the wolf.  Powerless to resist his instructions, the boy obeyed.  He knew this was how he would move towards his second life.

Laying himself out like a sacrifice, he knew the wolf would cleanse him from his previous life.  He wanted to be free, and would do anything the wolf suggested if it meant he didn’t have to go back to living as a ‘she’.

No more binders, no more having to be a ‘tick-box’ female.  For now he was a boy.  This is what his heart was telling him and this was all anyone could see. 

There were no breasts to explain, nor an enlarged clitoris to feel repulsed or intrigued by.  Nor was there anything else that was visible or needed to be explained. It was the heart, ribs, and torso on display. For the wolf, and to the world. The skin around the boy’s legs was neatly severed yet unable to be clearly seen as it was almost candy striped with his blood.

The boy was no longer living a lie, but waiting to be reincarnated into the body of the wolf.  Who proceeded to sniff him, taking in all of the aromatic essence of the boy and in one quick movement he ate the boy’s heart out of his chest. 

Instantly the wolf began to choke – the heart of the boy wasn’t as flaccid as he had originally expected. The heart still pulsing, it started choking the wolf, making it impossible for him to breathe.

The boy knew he was winning and knew he couldn’t be consumed by the wolf, even though he had sacrificed his body to him. The wolf was a facilitator to something the boy needed and that was the next step. He craved the brutal severance from his past life.

The boy’s heart was eventually swallowed by the wolf, but whilst traveling into the body of the wolf it found it’s way to the heart of the wolf and consumed it. Within that the boy's heart became active and the wolf’s heart was inactive, acting only as a filter to the life cells that hadn’t been activated by the boy.

The boy remained in the body of the wolf for 2 years, allowing his heart to colonise before knowing it was time to take leave. His heart was also taking over the entire chest of the wolf and the strain on his ribcage was immense.  Yet this didn’t seem to phase the boy, for he knew that the wolf had done this to others and would normally consume hearts and essences of young boys for his own pleasure.

This time the boy wanted to use the wolf as a shell before he re-emerged and with that he did.  Forcing the wolf to give birth to him made the wolf suffer – especially as his body wasn’t designed to give birth.  It wasn’t the wolf’s choice to birth the man that was now coming out of him.

He had new skin, bright shiny eyes and a lean muscular torso. He had killed his previous self, and then used the wolf as a chrysalis to help him come out. His heart had now healed and he didn’t have to lie anymore to anyone about who he was, or question who he was.

He could now feel he was born the way he wanted but with his own soul that wasn't being eaten by someone else. 

Monday, 7 February 2011


I would really like to know where time is going right now. Today I found myself thinking as to where the weekend went ? Although I did lots I feel as if I have blinked and been propelled straight back into another week with another set of issues.

Still, the weekend was pleasant enough, but for me the highlight of my weekend was going on a sushi making course which my lovely girlfriend was kind enough give to me as a birthday present. It really was an amazing afternoon, and so nice to be learning something as well as getting to spend time in a kitchen. It was also really fascinating to learn about sushi and I have already started thinking of ways in which I will make some in the future.  I also really, really liked using the big knives and the precision needed. It was quite calming to cut things neatly and would be something near meditative if done so in silence.

I think in a few years time when all of my current projects are off the ground I would like to so something part time that involves working more with food.  Or perhaps I need to move house sooner, get a bigger kitchen and experiment more?

Amongst all of this there is a familiar theme and that is being patient and having to wait. I am waiting for Charing Cross, waiting for a few other emails to do with work for people to get back to me, waiting before I play squash tonight, waiting for a few feelings to change...waiting.  Waiting to wait, waiting waiting on waiting.

I feel patient enough, yet there is the slight in flux feeling that I am experiencing and that feels strange. I have also found myself increasingly consumed by differing feelings recently. There are some decisions I have to make soon as well as take a deep breath and jump. But in all honesty I don't know where to start.

I need to jump, I need to push myself...Like a giant finger waving at me telling me to "do this" an "do that" only there is a part of me that is frozen. I feel that is the side that is waiting, only I am now waiting for myself.

It's bizarre and I didn't know I would think or feel any of this.  It does feel like unidentified areas are revealing themselves and a part of me feels clobbered. I don't know if I am picking energies from other sources here but I can't quite rationalize what exactly it is.

I see potential, excitement and all sorts of great things that can happen. Yet there is something inside of me that can't connect with a lot of things right now. I feel quite isolated in some respects and again it all comes back around to waiting. With the right time and the right moments, whatever isn't working will reveal itself. Still I have to do this alone and I will.

I don't resent waiting, nor do I feel any negativity to other people. I'm just finding it difficult to feel that I am as connected as I was. But rationally I am stepping further away from my old life. Therefore the new life will feel unfamiliar.

Friday, 4 February 2011


Following a recent visit to a psychiatrist and reading back on some notes from my assessment it has left me remembering a lot of things from my childhood.  Including something I forgot to tell on that occasion.  But weirdly the more I remember things about being young I find myself thinking that a lot of things really do make a lot of sense and I have always been uncomfortable being female.  Or identified as such.

For example the very first time I got into trouble at school was when I was aged 6.  I had been swimming and I remember I hated wearing a crop top as well as swimming trunks.  I just liked wearing trunks and having a bare chest like the boys.  My Mum did get me a crop top but for a long time I hid it in my bag and once I was 'caught' hiding it by one of the parents and I did my swim as per usual and when we got back to school and had what was known as 'carpet time' I was told to stand up in front of everyone.

My teacher asked me why I didn't wear my swimming top and also added was it because I "wanted to be a boy?" He also told me that other people noticed that I had hidden my top and that I wasn't a little boy and I was a little girl and that I should cover my chest.

I remember crying, and also the I felt a weird feeling of that it wasn't fair that I wasn't a boy.  Later that year I stopped wearing skirts as I did keep saying I wanted to be a boy.

When I got to age 7 in a school play I was made to wear a skirt for 10 minutes and I cried so much they let me wear trousers in the end.  I hated the trapped feeling that wearing a skirt left me feeling, even though it was part of a costume. 

Now when I remember all of this it makes sense. 

I also hated that boys would chase girls wearing skirts and the vulnerability attached to a few other things I don't really wish to divulge. The main feeling that wearing girls clothes gave me was that it was wrong.  Massively wrong. 

Even when age 9 and I had to wear a skirt for school when I moved to London I used to pretend in my mind that I was a boy.  Even though throughout these years I always had very long hair, it would be tied back and I always saw a boy looking back at me.

But this boy was an almost imaginary friend that I looked at every day in the mirror.

I knew by that age I always wanted to have a wife one day and in my mind I would be someone's husband. I even decided in my minds eye that I would do the laundry and cook the food and then (this was when playing) I would tuck up all my cuddly toys in my bed and then cuddle with my giant cuddly toy elephant wife.  (That was my wife at the time).

Shame we didn't talk much but she was nice to hug.

I had little concept of homosexuality in those days.  I also found it very fascinating to watch men and women walking on the street.  I always preferred that men had quiet shoes and women had noisy high heels.  I never envisioned myself to be wearing heels.  Nor wearing make up.

Anything girly around me I always thought was something for girls whilst I felt the awkwardness that a young boy would have felt.

I loved watching my Mother put on make up every day, yet at the same time I never thought she and I would do make up together.  I never felt like her little girl, but at the same time I knew I wasn't a real boy.

Luckily I had a Mum that liked playing computer games too and didn't mind that I preferred that to Barbie.  She never conditioned me to be feminine, yet she knew I was one of the more sensitive children.

I also remember clearly that I didn't feel like I fitted that well with people at primary school.  I just wanted to be alone. With some groups of people I knew I felt some friendship with, yet at the same time I liked doing my own thing.  I always felt older too and was more drawn to older people. So I would sometimes hide in the building and read. Or read to younger people.

I was caught a few times but for the most part nothing that bad happened other than once being shouted at and me being such a daft creature at that age feeling convinced that the teacher would hate me forever. I really did have a black and white mind at that age.  I still remember the tempo an the intensity of my heart beating heavily in my chest because I was in trouble.

Even now I hate being in trouble, as the stress is horrible.  But I have learned that people do forgive things and won't be angry forever.


Wednesday, 2 February 2011


The last couple of weeks have been non stop...

In short, I have had a birthday, ended up on camera twice, went to Athens and tonight I will be seeing E as it is our 1st year anniversary.

I didn't think when I started 2010 that I would fall in love, but I'm glad it happened.

It has also highlighted that time really flies! Things can change so suddenly in a year.  Not just the usual who we are? What we want? But recently I have started to question how I feel about a number of things and what is the best way to live life. There are things that I know work for me and then there are things that really don't.  Couple that with something changing on the inside and outside and there is a tension emerging. But its workable an I refuse to implode but I need to prepare for a few things.

There is a near broody feeling that is starting in terms of what I desire but at the same time I know it will happen when it's ready to.  But I do have to gag the forward planning side of me sometimes, even though this is what gives me an element of security. I do have questions right now that I know I have to wait for answers on.

I am also waiting for a letter from Charing Cross.  The psychiatrist I saw was very quick in sending a letter back to me as well as my GP and I know he would have processed it quickly as he said he would and also he has been very quick at sorting things out so now a little patience is required.

But I am not feeling stressed by it as right now there are a gazillion other things happening in my head as well as life right now. It's actually nice not to have the time to sit and ponder too much.  I know I have a tendency to overthink things if I'm not careful as well as then talk myself out of situations.

Following a couple of interesting conversations I have had with friends recently I have a few things to consider, but the main thing with everything in my mind right now is to wait and see what happens.