Thursday, 28 June 2012

I have now migrated...

You can find this blog at

See you there!

Monday, 25 June 2012

Comfort Zone

In the last week I think I have been pushed well and truly out of my comfort zone for a variety of reasons.

I had my appointment with Charing Cross, which went really well.  I saw someone before and that was really nice as I haven’t seen him in a while, and donated some binders to the MORF binder scheme.

My appointment covered the appeal letter which my doctor there has written, he has also been really good at keeping me copied in to any emails he has had with the PCT and was also firm with them when it looked like they were being reluctant to add his letter to my appeal.

He also added that in his opinion they were being especially difficult and that he would keep challenging them which did fill me with some hope.  It was also nice that he told me that I didn’t need to prove anything as I have a good case and I fit all the criteria’s that they look for.

It appears that in line with the cuts that they are clamping down. But also an annoyance is that they haven’t read my case properly.

I’m also getting my hormone levels monitored by the people at Charing Cross as well.  I had the pleasure of meeting the infamous Iffy Middleton, who really does live up to her reputation and is absolutely lovely. 

She gave me her card which had her mobile and direct email address as well, so that I can contact if I would like or need to.

For the next 3 weeks I shall be having blood taken to look at my hormone levels as my T-Cycle hits week 10.11 and 12.  This shall provide them with the correct data to see what my levels are and if I can start having my testosterone at weeks 9 or 10 instead of week 12 which I am currently on.

So this will be good to see how this comes out.  Also now that I am coming up for a year on T it is a good time to look at what my levels are with a good period of time to fall back on.

Right now I do feel exhausted a lot of the time. My moods have felt quite dampened by a lot of the stress I have been experiencing with all of this.

On Friday I had my second appointment with the surgeon’s nurse. It was quite a bittersweet moment.  She started off saying how excited I must be and how it isn’t long to go now until my surgery until I interjected that I had no date and my funding had been rejected.

She also seemed shocked and said that when things get to this case, this doesn’t usually happen. But I showed her a letter from Charing Cross as well as the PCT letter and she will get the surgeon to also write a letter for my case as well.

She also said that they will press ahead and make me a surgery date and apply a bit of pressure to the PCT. She did warn me though that this date might not go through, which I was aware of.

My friend K came with me to the appointment and I was very pleased she was there.  Having a close friend as opposed to a partner or family member can help take some of the emotion away from the surgery and also have a different perspective in terms of running through the procedure, the aftercare, how to prepare before and after and what I will need to do when I am healing.

She also informed me of possible complications and what I might need to expect in regards to scarring or possible nipple loss. They do have things to help if such a thing happens, yet at the same time it’s good to know and then have a realistic expectation of what will happen during this stage.

I feel really lost amongst all of this right now. I have no certainty so am not raising my hopes too much as I don’t see what the point in doing so is.

I can’t pretend to myself that everything is going to happen when I think it might as I have no guarantee on that.

I am just happy and grateful that I have support and medical support behind me against the obstructive forces that are the PCT.

I am trying not to take it personally that they have rejected my application.

The only thing I have against the health authority was calling me Miss Leng Leng for 6 months. That is something that they are at fault for.

The rest of Friday was nice, had some lunch then met with Fox, who appeared on ‘My Transsexual Summer’. His partner was lovely to talk with as well and I really liked his company.  I met some of his friends too and had a really lovely afternoon and evening, looking at some of his work, speaking with him and being in his company.

I returned to London later than planned but felt a nice energy coming from relatively positive outcomes at the clinic.

I went to bed as normal then a few hours later I woke up in agony.

I don’t think I have ever been in so much pain in all of my life (I am not being melodramatic either). I had a very sharp pain around where my diaphragm and liver is and felt like something was going to explode inside of me. It was so sharp and spiky that it was unbearable.

I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as E that night so I had some water and went online to NHS Direct who after not being clear on what it could be (I was relieved it wasn’t the appendix as I didn’t know where it was) it said a nurse would call me in next 20 minutes. 

That time went by and I was still doubled up in pain.  I couldn’t sit up. I crawled to her room and asked her for painkillers as I didn’t have any in my room and she could see something was wrong.

I lay on her bed feeling more and more pain and in the end I asked her to wake up one of our housemates, H who is a nurse.

I would never normally wake anyone up but by now I was unsure what to do.  I didn’t want to call for an ambulance straight away as I thought that might be slightly over the top.

I wasn’t binding and I knew I was in incredible amounts of pain as the thought of her seeing my chest didn’t install a sense of fear or disgust I would usually have. She said we should go to hospital.

NHS direct phoned and said I should try an out of hours doctor or go to hospital.  E called an ambulance and they put us in touch with the out of hours doctor who said to go to hospital.

They wouldn’t send an ambulance but luckily H had a car and she went and got it and her and E took me to The Homerton.

By that point I looked a right sorry state, I was in pain I was feeling awful, but given it was almost 4 am by that point it was relatively quiet.

I was seen quite quickly and put on a bed which was useful. 

The had a few things happen which was like my worse nightmare happening, but luckily the pain I was in distracted me from this.

First they had to take an ECG – where little sticky things were stuck all over my chest and on my breasts and under them and they attached wire things to them to take a reading of my heart.

I am glad all was well with that as removing them afterwards made me feel revolting.  I also felt compelled to explain why I had breasts as obviously all of my records read as Male and in I come with DD breasts. Nice.

Then I had to have a something in my wrist which really hurt so they could take blood and although my nurse was a lovely chap, squeezing some of my arm shut in the band thing to get a vein up didn’t help.

But the final thing which just made me feel at my absolute worst was having a rectal examination.

It was very uncomfortable, and that coupled with having my belly prodded and poked was just the final thing which made me feel well and truly vulnerable.

My bloods came back showing I had good liver and kidney function and my heart was ok.  Had a urine test and that came back ok so that that was a relief.

I was given gaviscon and that didn’t have much change. Had more pain relief and that helped.

They took x-rays which also came back clear.

They told me to make a GP appointment as I shall need referral for an endoscopy and then following that will rule out to see if I have a stomach ulcer or anything like that.

I have never had pains like that before, and I wasn’t worried, just wanted the pain to stop.

I also felt revolting afterwards remembering the ECG and how irritating it was having to feel I had to explain why I had breasts and having to have things attached to them was just my idea of hell.

The next time I want to be in a hospital is when they are being removed.

On coming home E was very lovely and gently stroked me and was with me when we went to sleep in her bed.  When I woke up one of the guests in our house made food for us and E was around when I needed her but also did ask if I wanted any space so that was nice.

I slept lots and felt a little better so H drove us to C’s house as she had some of her art up and saw K and then went home and slept more.

Rest of weekend was chilled.  Did make it out yesterday as wasn’t in pain, but only thing I have noticed is that I don’t have as much energy as I usually do.

We gently walked a bit, got some clothes for a wedding we are attending next weekend then watched football!

Was quite a novel thing, given that E and I aren’t the most football inclined of people, but it was fun and nice to be with each other and some housemates and we woke up curled around one another.

I came out to Essex today to do some work and that has been going fairly well I just feel a lot slower than usual and feel tired.

I have managed to get a doctor appointment for first thing in the morning tomorrow and I will be then coming back to Essex as I have an all day training thing happening here for some stuff to do with the Website.

I will feel better soon, I know it.  Just taken note to myself to rest a bit more and find ways to be a bit less stressed too as I feel stress has definitely contributed to a lot of what is going on right now.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012


I can't settle right now.

Finding it hard to sleep, or make myself feel ok as everything feels like it's taking so long.  I feel a mixture of determined, which sinks into feeling hopeless.  There is definitely a rollercoaster type feeling in place right now.

I feel like I need space, yet I want attention, but then I just don't know what to do with myself. The slight melancholy I am in right now is definitely rendering itself well to Dusty Springfield.

It's really odd but in some ways I feel quite lonely in some respects.  This is something that I think every person transitioning feels at certain intervals during transition, but I feel that some of this is also relating to changes happening as well.

I am 11 months into taking Testosterone, I am feeling far more physically male than before and therefore it is becoming quite distressing to find myself with some very female attributes that are there. I can't wait for the day I have sex where it doesn't feel almost like a male babooshka doll taking off many layers to see that I am now a male with large breasts.

It's gross. I find it hard to feel sexy sometimes when I become aware of that.  I don't always want to wear a t-shirt nor do I want to as I don't want to detract from the closeness and intimacy I have with my girlfriend. I also hate the sensation of feeling my breasts jiggling around under material.  That also squicks me out.

There is also a greater need not to feel that there are restrictions. I don't want to feel that there are parts of me that seem eternally no-go areas. It's not nice to feel that when I feel rotten that I become snappy or sensitive about someone coming close to me, when the very thing I want is closeness.  Especially with someone I love, trust, desire and want to have as close to me as possible in an intimate situation.

If a postman or builder comes to the door early in the morning I don't want to have to stuff my breasts under a binder or find myself hiding behind a door hoping they won't notice, and feel that I am having to sneak around for the fear they will notice and then feel that I am weird. 

An appeal has been written and I shall find out tomorrow if it's been sent or not. I am excited about that, and I am trying to be as positive and forward thinking with this.  But this is starting to consume me a bit.  I know already that the panel meeting for June has most likely passed so the appeal panel won't see my case until some time next month.  Then following that it can take a long time before we are notified about what the outcome is.

I am seeing my surgeon's nurse this week, but again, the surgery there is hanging in the balance a bit in terms of when this can go ahead.

Then I think about people who don't have access to any of this, and have to live their lives in situations where they won't even get a chance to transition, and sometimes a slight guilt starts to happen.  I think that I should just shut up or grin and bear it as there are people far worse off than me and why should I be so selfish thinking about my situation.

I start feeling that I don't deserve things or that I will never be happy and then I start to feel depressed.

I just need to feel that I am 'me'. I keep getting closer to that, I feel that I catch glimpses but for all the progress I do make then I feel that I also seem to be taking steps backwards as well.

My sensitivities have been popping up again too.  I want to drink like a fish if I get the chance, but I do hold a little restraint at the same time, as obliterating myself or getting hammered isn't going to make anything better.

Luckily I only drink when in company, as I see it as a social thing. 

I know what I need to do and what needs to happen, but right now my patience is starting to run thin.  I like to plan and I like to feel safe in the knowledge that my plans can happen and that I can forge ahead.

There are some positives and that is I know that although things are a bit stressful right now, it is teaching me lots about life and how to apply better ways of dealing with something stressful for the future and for future situations.

The whole world isn't going to end and I am not going to collapse or give in too much to some of the negative feelings i am starting to have.

I have been making some positive progress with work stuff and new opportunities and ways of working things are emerging, so on some levels at least I feel one area is progressing and I am feeling something rewarding and motivating from effort put in.

The stuck in a moment feeling is just there a lot and I have to find ways to combat this as much as possible.  It's like being in a fabulous house but there is a tap dripping and once you notice that sound it starts becoming more and more irritating because you know it's there and the continual background sound at times can become distracting.

This is a moment which will be overcome.  I just want to feel at peace and that I don't have to be primed to push, fight and argue my case and in some ways to feel that I validate my existence.

I want to be me.  I am reaching the point where I don't want things to be in relation to how I am progressing my transition or moving forwards but to have time to enjoy and be who I am.

This day shall come and I will find ways to be more positive.

In the meantime, work, focus, exercise, move and find ways to get everything moving in the right place.

I won't crumble under this, I am determined on that front.  In my spare time I need to make sure that I make myself exercise more, or find positive distractions from this - I don't want to be anxious or turn into a miserable bastard.  It's not nice on me or anyone else around me either and for that I am aware of that.

I also need to make the most of my Mum being around. September isn't that far away.

Friday, 15 June 2012

Empty Tank

It's all been happening this week, had a very positive email exchange with my Psychiatrist from Charing Cross who forwarded me a very good response that he written in appeal to the PCT.

He has really fought my corner in a very concise and considerate way but doesn't leave much wiggle room on their part. 

In some ways it's a shame it has to get like this sometimes, but saying that unless they do get strongly worded letters that doesn't give them much of a leg to stand on then for the most part they aren't very obliging to give people the treatments they require.

Especially since The Cuts has happened.

We can debate until the end of time about Entitlement and what it means to different people but at the same time for most of my adult life (minus a few years for Uni) I was working.  During my time at Uni I also worked a bit too, and since graduating I have been working.  Whilst working I have been paying tax.

Therefore I feel that I have been making some contribution into the healthcare services that I am requiring some care from.

I also did all of my social side of my transitioning first. I wanted to leave the physical attributes of hormones and surgery last).

It's now at the point where I don't want to go past three years of binding my chest.  It's not who I am.  It was fun and exciting at first but now I feel that it is a chore. I hate having to feel that I need to hide who I am or if I don't bind, feel freaked out and repulsed by myself. 

I should have never grown breasts or had ones that were so big naturally. I feel like a biological mistake has attached itself to my chest and that is something I am reminded by every day.

To feel this level of discomfort sometimes does get me down.  I never hide that fact.  But at the same time it's also about working out how to focus energy positively to not become bogged down by the imprisoned feeling that also takes place.

I distract myself with thoughts of the future or things to be working on, stuff to, cookery, photography, friends, family, love, sex...yet there is still always a void that sometimes creeps in. 

I'm not quite the person I am yet and until that comes everything around me is enjoyed and treasured yet at times it's as if some elements of joy become hollow in some ways as I am still not quite connected to who I am.

I am still stuck in the breast suit.

I feel happier than I was when I was legally female, but I know I need to push on to get further to who I actually am.  Having delays to this process makes me feel a little bit odd.

Not exactly a sad or depressed feeling, but it's more of a tired feeling.

I want to get some of this waiting phase over so I can concentrate on being.  Living, feeling a sense of completion.

I like consistency and a clarity.  Feeling uncertainty yet again just isn't helping right now.

Yet I know there are people with much worse situations, and that at least my case is being appealed and that I should remember every day that I should be greatful for the air I breathe or that I can progress on my journeys and reflect on travels but today I feel a bit battered by all of this and in some ways a little sad.

This is my life and not other peoples.

At the same time I will be making sure that I not only fight for my own rights but will make sure relevant complaints and letters are written so that for others this process gets a little bit easier, as other people have done before me.

I don't forget what other crap other people have had to go through with transitioning over the years and there is a bit more progress happening.

It's just that right now is a stressful time.

I have too many things occupying my mind.

My head is full of Work/thinking strategies for that/making things happen there...followed by thoughts surrounding feeling comfortable, positive, being a good friend or partner or child, learning, remembering to read more stuff, remembering to have fun and live a little, to work ways out of certain negative routines.

Eat healthily, work on keeping trim...

Life really is an endless to-do list.

Oh and to be kinder to self when week 8/9 of testosterone cycle happens, like right now.  My levels feel a if they drop and I find myself feeling somewhat lethargic and empty. My body feels a bit lost, as T usually gives me a certain level of energy and when it drops I do feel it missing somewhat in my system.

My hair is also bad right now so I know that when I do more stuff that makes me feel happy that helps.  Alongside knowing tomorrow is Saturday and I can have a mini lie-in.

I need a bit of peace and quiet so I can resume my busy levels.  Not only am I busy physically but a lot of this is busy mentally as well.

I sometimes feel that I want to put my brain in cold water so that I can chill everything down, but that right now is not an option.

The awful weather that we are beseiged with here in the UK is also not helping either.

Still not long until more adventures happen or more things are clear so that will be something to look forward to.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Walk The Line

A lot has happened over the past week. In some respects I wish I was still back in Vietnam, as I felt happy, full of sunshine and free in some respects.

I feel a mixture of many things right now. I feel positive and determined to fight my case with the PCT as I know I have a good case on my hands. I also emailed my psychiatrist at Charing Cross Clinic to inform him of the situation as I have an appointment with him next week, but thought it might be good to send in the letter to him so that he is aware of the situation.

I sent him a scan of the letter and he has said he will write to the PCT with an appeal and will also point out a few important factors that look as if they have been misunderstood or disregarded by whoever looked at my referral in the first place.

My GP is back tomorrow so am seeing her tomorrow as well.

I still intend to write to my MP as I think that there needs to be a better system in place when looking at cases that are sent in for referral that they are looked at by someone who knows what they are doing or in the very least have some understanding about what it is that a GP is requesting for a patient.

My letter stated that a masectomy was being requested yet it referred throughout to 'male breast reduction' which is a different procedure altogether.

There were a few other things that didn't make sense.

At least if it is appealed (which they are in process of doing so) it shall mean that the entire panel there will be looking at my case and not just one or two people.

This is what I think should be challenged, as in the long run it would be a bit more time efficient if the relevant people were looking at something correctly in the first place.

I don't feel stressed by it as much as I did. I just feel weird.  I feel as if I have failed somewhere along the line or that I am not going to be granted my surgery. With everything that has happened with the cuts I know that the NHS is different to what it was.  Therefore fighting and the right letters and the correct categories and even post code is required now all the time.

These are hurdles everyone has to face, I will fight as much as I can, but at the same time I intend to make a little noise about it as well. It's not about getting what I want from the situation but also to give something back. I want it to be simpler and less stressful for people in the future.

To be able to have a passport and hormones in my hands now are a positive sign and also someone else before me fought to make sure that I would have the access to these things and I try not to forget about things like that.

I would also like to see in the future better systems in place so that people like myself don't end up with embarrassing and incorrect names stuck to their medical records for 6+ months either.

This is one thing that is in process and such as many other situations in life, it means it is subject to waiting. I feel life is one big waiting room right now, and in order to progress its like being a living and breathing work in process.

I feel lonely once more.

I always get this feeling once changes are stagnating or that I have a stressful situation on my hands. I feel stuck in a body and life that isn't quite yet my own as someone else has power over what they shall assist me when it comes to my destiny and life plan.

I work hard with the stuff I physically work on, but unfortunately that is also in early stages so it's not going to yield me enough pennies straight away to be in a position where I can give two fingers to the NHS and go private.

If I had that kind of money available to me then I would do so in a heartbeat.

Still this has been a valuable lesson and a good awakening to work extra hard in life.  The harder I work, or more money I make sure I earn will mean I have more choices when it comes to what I do in terms of life changing plans.

My testosterone levels feel a bit like they have dropped too, and the weather isn't helping my moods.  I feel a bit low. Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and cry, whereas the other part of me feels like I have been walloped around the face.  There is some spark left in me and what motivates me is the thought of fighting and making myself feel strong again.

The more I fight the more motivated I feel, it just requires energy which I feel a bit low on. I also want the lonely feelings to stop because in reality I have friends around me, some family and a partner.

It's not like I am completely alone so I am trying to identify where these feelings are coming from.

I am processing at the moment that in a few months my Mother will be moving abroad in next few months. I felt a bit odd about it at first, but at the same time if I was in her shoes, I would do exactly the same.

I will miss her, but at the same time I know that this is the right thing as well. I also know with how much I like to travel and will travel, that I don't think it's right that she stays somewhere she isn't happy when she has much better opportunities for her that are further afield.

It would also be massively hypocritical of me to try and stop someone doing something to improve their life and feel happier just because it would fall down to convenience as to how close they are physically to me.

I am almost 30 years old and I think I am old enough to stand on my own two feet.  Also, where my Mum will be shall make visiting the Far East and rest of South East Asia a viable option and a great stop off point.

I am very excited for her.  Especially given my recent trip to Vietnam and a night in Singapore.  I felt closer to her in some respects and definitely felt like I understood her a lot better in others.

She spent some of her formative years in Malaysia, with frequent visits to Singapore and Hong Kong.  In some ways I see her leaving as a homecoming for her.

I found myself thinking that with transition it gave me the opportunity to be the person I always felt I was and fundamentally it has left me feeling happy and has appointed me a sense of freedom.  It has also reminded me that if there are some aspects of life that you aren't happy with then we do have the power to change it.

You just need the right motivation to do so.

I used to be fat but now I am not.  I used to be female and this is no longer the case.  I wanted to change these things about myself so that I could live a life that I felt is who I truly am.

It is scary sometimes but at the same time living and feeling that I am being true to who I am is much more liberating that feeling I am weighed down by layers of bullshit.

I am far from being anywhere perfect but at the same time where I have had situations whereby I have messed up, caused pain or felt pain I have tried to learn from that experience. I loathe hurting people and therefore have found ways to learn and grow from past mistakes.

Of course I might make mistakes in the future but on the whole I try and keep a positive awareness of my actions and not to cause crap wherever I go.

I have zero respect for people that make the same mistakes continuously (that hurt other people) or cause the same drama and same upset to people on a continual basis. This reeks of laziness.

It takes guts to look at oneself and not just try and please the ego with what we see.  It leaves me feeling quite speechless as to how egotistical some people can behave and how unwilling they are to change their ways and approach to others even if it means that they start behaving in a negative way or continue to upset people in their very own cycle of destruction.

I don't understand that.

Maybe I am being a bit judgmental but so be it. I respect the ways of others but I also keep my own opinions and principles too. 

This is after all what makes us all different and diverse to one another.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I landed last night and feel as if my head has been spinning ever since.

My last days in Vietnam were a bit difficult.  When I returned from Halong Bay to Hanoi I started to feel a bit unwell. My last night there was memorable for all the wrong reasons.  I had stomach cramps, temperature spikes and an achy unwell feeling coupled off with a night on the toilet. I went over 12 times and felt rotten.

I had some coca cola and Berocca and ate super plane before going to Singapore where we stayed in the most amazing hotel ever! We got upgraded as well which was a doubly nice thing to happen. In Singapore I ate very plain but clean food.

It was a shame we were only there for a matter of hours as it's a very interesting place, and one that I would like to go back and visit.  Especially for the food.  It is a melting pot of Asian influences and cultures.

I loved the buzz of Maxwell Market which was advised to us by the Singaporean family that we were on the cruise with.

It's also dirt cheap and not filled with tourists which made me very happy.

The rice also made it so I could hold that food down and fly ok the following day.

I have had electrolytes and some tablets but if nothing changes soon I will have to have a trip to the doctors.

I can't quite shake off the listless and out of sorts feeling I have.

I feel stuck between time zones and just don't feel myself.

Upon returning to a cold, rainy and rather gloomy feeling UK (the Jubilee party seemed to zap everyone's energy this weekend) I got a letter back from the PCT.

They have declined to fund my chest surgery. My GP wrote to me and attached the letter and has said that she is appealing their decision and assured me that every document that discussed my case and gender was enclosed with her application.

Only it seems that they aren't keen on funding me on the basis that it would be a private operation and apparently they are willing to accept other information which in their words:

"Should you feel that there is additional clinical information which would demonstrate that this patient is significantly different to the cohort of males with a similar condition, or that would demonstrate that this patient would have a considerably greater health benefit from this intervention, you would be welcome to re-submit an IFR application on the grounds of exceptionality which would be viewed by a full IFR panel".

In all my records it clearly states from assessments had with psychiatrists that having a large chest size causes me distress, and that since being a teenager is something I have never liked.  It's also a bit bonkers for them to think that me having a chest that is DD size would actually want to keep my breasts.

All my records state that I hate having them so what more evidence do they want.  Shall I just send them a picture and remind them that page 3 size on a bloke is wrong...if it isn't his choice to have them.

It is fate being a cruel thing to afflict those who hate breasts on them with large ones when there are people who would love massive ones.

Every day I feel like a failure because they are still there.  I can't stand having to hide them and hide in changing rooms and constantly think of concealment and if I did a good enough job if someone glances on my chest. The way I have to dress in a changing room is a bit odd, especially if there is nowhere secluded. Men will comfortably take off their shirts and change more as I can't in this setting which limits some of the sporting activities I would like to do.

I hate having to creep around and avoid being detected and feel repulsed by having a something that is literally stuck to me. It's unbearable sometimes and right now is one of those times.

Since experiencing massive discomfort whilst being away, it has galvanised to me that they really do have to go. I feel really tense at the thought of spending another year wearing a binder. I don't want to have to bind for 4 years.

The more male I become hormonally, the more I feel trapped in a body that isn't quite fully my own.  Being a planner, having a set back makes me anxious.

I will be assisting in the appeal by writing a personal statement, writing a letter to MP, having follow up appointment with my GP (she is away until 11th when I have an appointment) and I also have my next Charing Cross appointment coming up on the 20th, someone who works in LGBT mental health has offered to write a supporting statement for me and counsellor has also agreed to write a letter too so hopefully these elements shall help.

I am also reviewing what my legal position is within this is another rejection happens.  As there was an anomaly on the form.  My doctor requested a masectomy and is titled with what was requested yet the document keeps referring to a 'male breast reduction' which is a bit open to interpretation in the form of are they reading this as a cis-male wanting a moobjob?

Yet it states I was assessed under the transgender protocol to which I fit that criteria that the protocol is saying it is looking for. Hence why there is a bit of confusion and even my doctor said herself in her letter to me that she was surprised about the outcome and has lodged an appeal straight away.

She assured me a while ago that she would fight on my behalf and it seems she is true to her word on things, but we'll see how the next round pans out.

On the 22nd of this month I have an appointment to see the surgeons nurse as well so this shouldbe interesting.  They have told me that the PCTs cause delays to processes all the time so not to be too shocked if this happens.

It still sucks though and I feel crap on the back of this. My options are right now keep fighting and hopefully get funded or come up with around 7 grand. I don't want to take loans or have debt if I can avoid it as when I was younger I had debt problems and I hate anything that reminds me of that time.

I can't bear feeling like this. All my energy has been wiped out in a single blow.  But it shall return and I don't think feeling physically under the weather or having jet lag is helping this either.

There has also been other news too and that is someone who is very close to me shall be moving overseas and this will be a lot sooner than I expected.

It will be a great opportunity for them and there are many pluses to it.  I see that and I don't have any side of me saying to them "don't go" because if I was in their shoes I would do exactly what they are doing.

There is just a strange feeling I have emerging that now I sort of will be alone.  Even though I am surrounded by people, the closeness I have with this person is different.  I have known them all of my life so therefore it will be different.

But at the same time I know how I operate.  I am already starting to process. It has just taken me by surprise slightly and that is all it is. 

I will have a wonderful new place to visit, just a pity that it isn't on an Easyjet flight path. For the hours rather than the cost...honest!

Life does change though, that is something my transition has taught me and change is sometimes a scsary thing but at he same time if you don't push yourself or even test your own boundaries then life would be very boring.

As long as someone cares for themselves and is making positive actions in their lives and others I don't see what the issue is with shaking things up once in a while.  Especially if it means a person will be happier as a result.

I have spent too many years in an unhappy state and therefore I will strive at everything I can to be as happy as possible and to live as positive a life as I can.

I don't want to be seen as someone who constantly needs looking after or supported all the time. That isn't me.  I appreciate the support I have received as well as the kindness and love people have bestowed upon me as well. I think it's important not to forget things like this either.

Especially on a day like today where it's easy to slip into the habit of thinking the world is bleak and horrible because on a grander scale of things it isn't.

It's just not ideal circumstances right now.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

The Heat is On

Greetings from Hanoi!

It's been an eventful week and a bit to say the least. The common denominator in all of this has been heat. I say this because before leaving London I felt stressed and really p*ssed off with the PCT. 

The day before I left I had no letter from them regarding their decision on my funding for Top Surgery, so I called them.  From being told they would write to me, I was now informed that they would be writing to my Doctor and then she would either call or write to me and this could take up to two weeks or up to a month.  That was irritating enough without what followed.  The person on the phone told me that she could see on the computer that a decision had been made.  I asked if she could tell me and she said that it wasn't policy and that I would have to find out from my GP.  This was after she had asked me for my NHS number, date of birth, address and other personal details.

I respect that there are policies in place, but at the same time I want to know why I am told that I would be written to from them regarding the decision and then suddenly a change occurred within that. I did challenge, politely that I had been told that I would be informed from them but she was very adamant that they inform the GP who then informs the patient.

I get that.

I was irritated (and still am) that she knew of my result and seemed to be getting a kick out of being able to enjoy her little piece of power. I wouldn't have left someone dangling like that nor inform them that I knew but wasn't going to tell them.  A much better approach would have been to just say that once a decision is made the GP will be written to and then the patient would be informed.

I forgot to add that once she had attained that the decision had been made, she muted me whilst she discussed it with a colleague. So that too irked me knowing that two people knew yet I couldn't be told.

On that note I was pleased to get off the phone, curse a little and finish packing to go to Vietnam.  She may have had a bit of power but at least she could sit and rot at her desk for the following 2 weeks as far I was concerned.

She also didn't give her name, which again with hindsight I should have taken from her so that I can make a complaint or find out who is higher up at the PCT.  People I know that have had dealings with them have had to speak to upper tiers of management, so when I return if there has been no word or progress I might do that as I have quite a tight timetable for June.

On the 20th I have an appointment with Dr Lorimer at Charing Cross, then on the 22nd I have an appointment with my Surgeon's nurse in Brighton where she will discuss the operation with me and if a PCT decision is finalised by then I can then discuss workable dates with Dr Yelland.

I've also got loads of work on with my other company to plough through and other bits and pieces happening.

It's all go, go, go! But I am determined to make my surgery happen.  I'm so close I can almost taste it and from being in Vietnam, this surgery is necessary.

When we booked we thought it would be high 20s and early 30s in terms of temperature, but most of the South of Vietnam which we started off in has been in the 40's! Which has been almost unbearable at moments when having to wear 2 binders, as they at the best of times are like wearing a thermal vest, but couple that with this heat and it is like experiencing heaven and hell all at the same time.

Yesterday when in Hue, I sweated so much that my stomach was tricking sweat out of my belly button and down my pants that it felt like I was wetting myself.

I hope the scales upon my return are kind because I feel like I have sweated out at least a few pounds in body weight.

Feeling too hot and too sweaty all the time is really uncomfortable after a few days.  Still I do put things in perspective.

This is a beautiful place that I am thoroughly enjoying being in.  In the run up to here I worked very hard to be able to come here, it's also given me lots of time to think and positively reflect on a few things happening in life and helped me to resolve a few matters of the heart and soul to some degree too.

It's also confirmed to me that I really do have no relationship with the breasts that grew on my chest.  They can go in the bin as far I am concerned once they are removed.  I should have never been born with them and I can't wait to experience a world where I don't have to hide underneath a binder.

I have an old binder I wear under a rash vest so I can swim without people knowing I have breasts which is liberating but there is a side of me that feels that I am still having to hide and feel uncomfortable so that no one knows and I don't freak out making myself feeling more dysmorphic than I already do.

When September comes I would have been binding for 3 years.  That is a long time.  I am reaching the stage where I actually can't bear it every day, having to make sure I have aligned myself correctly and not squidged one breast too far from the other so that I end up with a wonky looking chest or a strange monoboob.

Sometimes my binder slips and then I notice cleavage and I feel like a failure and sometimes a fraud.  I also end up feeling revolting and just want to hide when that happens.

I remind myself that I am not a freak but sometimes it's hard not to feel that way.  Especially when the rest of the time I console myself with what I am doing, that it's right and that I can adjust to a new life but the reminder of being born with incorrect body parts just makes me feel trapped.

I know that some people (no matter how liberal they may appear) have their own judgements and reservations and even assumptions as to how trans people live or should live. Because for some they don't understand and some feel uncomfortable about it all, and that is fair enough. I just wish sometimes that some people weren't so faux positive when that isn't really representative as to how they feel.

The crux of the matter is that a trans person tried to adjust and make changes in his or her life so that they can be as representative to the person that they should have been born as in the first place.  In some ways it's like literally being born again.

Choosing a new name, identity, altering ones appearance and becoming closer to what you've always felt inside yet weren't born that way isn't easy. But its part of a journey that some people choose to take and have to take in order to feel that they are alive.

I say this because in what feels like a previous life I wasn't happy at all. There was potential but I felt I spent a lot of my life living a lie.

I despise dishonesty and I don't want to feel I was lying to myself or the people around me.  The only expectation my Mum ever placed on me was to be the person I felt I was. As well as to make her cups of tea on demand even if she forgets about them and leaves a trail of cups wherever she goes...but then she does have the dirty nappy all mothers use!

The main thing I feel now is determination to make more changes happen and to do so from knowing without any shadow of a doubt about anything.

Being here has allowed me to recharge my batteries and seeing all of the amazing sights around me and sampling a different world and culture has given me back some much needed fire that I had run out of.

I have dreamt of coming to Vietnam since I was a teenager but am pleased that I was able to make this happen.

I was determined that before I was 30 I would travel to lots of places and not just because I wanted to be gay, fabulous and cultured...but there is an element of that too if I am honest.

I grew up not having holidays every year like a lot of my friends did. Because my Mum had to struggle for a lot of my childhood and I don't forget the many Christmasses that she had to do loads of shitty jobs so that I could have a present. 

We didn't have a supportive family nor did she have many opportunities growing up either. When she met my Step Dad things did change, and I will always be grateful to him for a lot of things too as without him, I wouldn't have got my education nor many of the other opportunities afforded to me.

It is sad that they aren't together anymore, but at the same time I know I can maintain a relationship with them both and at the same time not forget all the good times and things that have happened from that union.

I also have discovered that I am in fact in love with a country.  Vietnam has definitely stolen my heart and I can't wait to return here and explore more of the rural areas. Particularly Sapa and the Surrounding areas and the Central Highlands. Ho Chi Minh City is scooter tastic (and turns crossing the road into an extreme sport) and the city as a whole can make one feel like it's all a giant hustle in a lot of places.

People here aren't too corrupt...we haven't encountered too many hustlers here.  But then no where is as bad as Morocco in my opinion for that.  Here, it has been really obvious if someone is dodgy as they have been either trying to feed us false information (such as a guy in Hue telling us the citadel was closed for the next hour but he would ride us around - I didn't believe him and was pleased that my gut instinct was correct!) and another guide we had at My Son quoting us a one day trip to Hue with a car for 160 dollars when the going rate is about 75. But again he was too pushy and we gave him the brush off and all was well. He was also a very lazy guide so there was a part of me thinking why on earth people would want to hire him privately based on his lack of interest and passion in the tour he was currently working on. Still, these types of people exist wherever there are tourists, and it's just a case of working through what you want from a place,

Going to Hue with just a driver and no guide was perfect for us.

Hanoi is very pleasant but again the scooters here are a bit scary.  Hoi An is just heavenly.  I could easily stay around that part for a long time. We had a lovely man take us to Hue who was one of the sweetest people I think I have ever met.

We also saw the ruins in My Son too which were beautiful (shame about the dodgy guide), yet sad at the same time.  They had a lot of damage as they were bombed heavily during the US War. There is still a feeling of rawness here over what went on, but I admire that there doesn't seem to be much of a bitterness.  Same applies to the attitude towards the French too.

Vietnam is definitely transitioning within itself. It's also a very affordable place to visit - the greatest expense you would have would be airfare.  Accomodation, food, transport and internal flights are very reasonable.

Most meals we have had which have included a tip have not come to more than ten pounds for two.  We haven't been drinking very much so that too is something to remember as well. Beer is about a pound anyhow so it doesn't exactly kill the bank and the place we had nice cocktails at worked out at just under 2.50 a cocktail.

My wallet won't be crying as much as it would be if I was in Europe, lets put it that way.  I have been making sure I have been tipping well though as I think that is only right.


Sunday, 20 May 2012

Second Life

There is a lot going on right now and I am glad to report that it's nice things.

I had my appointment with Dr Yelland and it was great.  I made slightly inappropriate jokes on account of being a bit nervous but it all went very well.  I realised he is the only man I have really had my breasts out for which felt a bit perverse on some levels. But the examination took less than 30 seconds and I found it more amusing than distressing in any way.

I was lucky that day to be joined by E and by my wonderful friend L as well. 

I have a follow up appointment with his nurse in Brighton on the 22nd of June.  Which time wise is great as I see Dr Lorimer at Charing Cross on the 20th June and have a T--Club to photograph in between that.

I feel so happy that the surgery is getting closer.  I am hoping my letter from the PCT comes in before Wednesday too.

I phoned them and they said I should receive a letter regarding their decision for my surgery hopefully this week or when I return from my trip to Vietnam.

If this is accepted, 2012 will go down as the best year of my life.  I started it in Japan, I am off to Vietnam (and a night in Singapore) and the surgery should be happening time-wise around October which was when I was hoping to have it.

I love that this is becoming more and more real. I'm also well and truly into the swing of things T-Cycle wise. I can recognise a bit more when I am moody versus when it's the T that is having an adverse reaction to the way I am feeling.

Like any hormone it really can affect your moods. But I feel I am familiarising myself a bit more with it, and each little surge I get seems to fuel me. Yet I have no desire to have a more regular dosage of it as I like that it's gradual.

I am starting to notice the physical changes it is bringing to me and I am liking it.  I feel more that I am who I actually am rather than feeling that I am a work in progress or emerging in certain ways.  That isn't who I am anymore.

I feel less inhibited than I was and at the same time I feel much more confident and stronger than i ever felt before. I get less affected by what people say and do around me.

I do have some sensitivities and feelings left! I'm not just a ball of numbness but at the same time I don't get so bogged down with things in the way I used to.  I find it is such a liberating feeling to no longer feel weighed down by emotional baggage.

I feel more assertive too which has been really nice in terms of being able to assert myself and stick up for what I believe in without feeling riddled with guilt afterwards. I don't argue with people but I don't roll over as much as I used to either.

This is how I have always wanted to be, and I am finding it easier to communicate than I used to. I feel comfortable enough to stand my ground if I have to and also find a reasonable and peaceful way to resolve things if problems emerge as well.

I hate tensions and arguments with people, I also hate feeling dis empowered because I put myself in a vulnerable position or allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

I think the best thing that has happened during my transition is learning how to genuinely love other people as well as myself.

It's also nice to wake up and not look into the mirror picking at faults and imperfections within how I look before I have had time to have so much as my first coffee or tea of the day. It's nice to be able to leave the house not riddled with anxiety or feeling so depressed I wish I wasn't here.

It has taken a lot of work to get to this stage though and I will always seek to improve upon existing niggles as I will never be perfect but I can do my best to be a decent person.

Especially because now I am male. A lot of men within society haven't behaved well at all, especially towards women. I am not going to be one of those.I cannot stand prejudiced or behaviour which demeans and disrespects fellow human beings in a discriminatory way.

Realistically I am never going to be the best of friends with absolutely everyone I meet either.  Nor will I like everyone or expect them to like me but I think it's important at the same time to have a responsibility not to be unnecessarily cruel or nasty to others just because they might not gel with me. There are people that actually personality wise I can't stand but I just try and keep a healthy distance and try not to onvolve myself too closely to them or their affairs as it isn't going to serve any type of positive or productive purpose.

If something affects me directly then I know I have to find better ways not to feel trapped by that type of situation, but luckily I don't have that scenario in place right now so there is no point speculating about something that isn't affecting me presently.

I am excited about getting away with E and exploring new places together. For any of our faults or gripes either with one another or just with life, one thing we have always done well is travel together. I also don't think I will ever meet anyone who could love traveling more than her! Yet at the same time it's lovely to be with someone who sparks my enthusiasm for it too.

The more I travel the less insular I become in my views as being in different environments and having the privilege to be able to experience differing places, cultures and customs has helped me grow as a person.

I try and be as mindful about that whenever I go anywhere and not just see going away as something to cross off a vast 'To-Do- list where life is concerned.

Although one thing I can't wait for when I am healed from having surgery is to be able to put swim trunks on and swim topless for the first time and be able to swim in the sea without having wet breasts clamped to my chest.

The lovely thing is that this is no longer some pipe dream or something I am going to be waiting a number of years for.  This year it very much looks set to happen.

My second life is definitely here.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012


I keep wishing today was Thursday, although I know this week is moving at a reasonable pace. I managed to have a productive day and cleared through things I wanted to get on with and didn't flounder or get stressed which I have had on previous occasions lately.

I have been doing quite a bit of work that involves excel spreadsheet based applications recently and perversely I find them calming and almost comforting.  Data input allows my mind to switch off other parts of my brain that are sett on a continual whirring of making decisions and planning my next movements and feeling that I have to be strategic most of the time in order to actualise what I want to achieve out of the next few months and life overall.

I try to be the best I can and since I have found a better sense and appreciation of happiness it has been something that I have been cherishing.

I try not to complain - if I do so it will be because I feel I would have tried many ways to improve a situation. I am also in a process of remembering lovely things people have done for me over the last few months and years.

I think it's so easy to complain and be negative about what someone doesn't have but its also good to sometimes remember what you have got.  As well as remembering nice things people have done for you or remembering when you felt loved or cared for.

Maybe I am turning into a bit of a hippy but I have found since I have taken a slightly more positive approach I have been having really positive experiences and I feel that there is more respect coming my way.

But then it could be argued that this is born out of respecting myself a little more.

I'm so close to being in the body that I have always wanted to have that this is what makes me feel happy when I wake up every day.  Suddenly the rain, or the loud clumping of a housemate seems a bit insignificant when I look at the bigger picture. 

Tiny annoyances aren't life threatening.  The whole world isn't going to end nor will it ruin your life.

I am slowly learning to be a bit less black and white and because of that it is helping me enjoy what life has to offer a bit more.

Well unless someone is being an all out a*sehole then that is something I am learning to deal with in better ways as I feel stronger and more confident.

What I am about to say isn't intended as a "poor me" kind of post but in some ways since being young and perhaps a bit sensitive or seen as a bit of a soft touch that there have been certain types of people who have loved to have a bit of a pop or a jibe of the mood has taken them.

I used to feel really awkward and frustrated in situations like that, as I hate people having a go at me or labelling me or trying to pigeon hole me because of their own frustrations and insecurities.

I have grown tired of other people trying to almost defend the same people saying that I must trigger an insecurity in them or other bulls*it like that. I see it as b*lls*it because if ever I feel a bit insecure of threatened by someone I don't go out of my way to be horrible towards them or be smiling at them around people whilst doing really conceited things to them at the same time.

I keep my distance if anything.

One thing that taking hormones has brought out of me is a stringer side. I am not feeling very aggressive per se, but my tolerance for being a whipping post or a target for people to act out their b*lls*it has really gone down.

If I do something wrong I am very willing and happy to apologise and I expect the same. If someone won't or doesn't see that they need to then I distance from them and find myself not wanting them near me. 

By allowing that kind of person or situations near me I am not respecting myself.

I seem to be on a slight tangent but I finally feel happy and confident enough not to tolerate it anymore. I have stopped feeling a block and a sense of fear that something bad will happen if I don't stand up for myself.

It's not always about challenging something head on or locking horns at every available moment but just affirming in my mindset that I won't accept it.

I just to feel so small and depressed accepting crap before but now I feel so free in myself.

Today I had a day whereby I felt I was me. After Friday I know that I can have a clearer picture as to how long I need to wait for surgery and has the PCT approved funding yet?  I say this because some PCT's have policies whereby you can't see a surgeon unless your funding is approved and some only approve it if you have seen a surgeon.

Needless to say I will find out more what the score is in less than 2 days! Knowing that I am going there is affirming enough as this is real and now I can start thinking more solidly as to what will happen with surgery.  What sort of aftercare will I be seeking? Will I have gel and silicone patches? When will I take bio oil and arnica tablets?

Alongside many other thoughts that are starting to sink in.

It's so nice to feel that there is a shift starting to occur and my previous identity finally feels like a memory rather than a growth.

Following Friday I also have Vietnam to look forward to in a fortnight today as well as seeing the Boychild and writing some non-blog stuff and seeing friends, gym and playing squash. And spending time with E (Before she complains that I "never talk about spending time with her").

Thursday, 3 May 2012

More Movement

I have had one of the best weeks I have had in ages.

I started doing some new work, have been researching some other possibilities purporting to my work.  I have new targets and goals, the scales have been kind to me and shown that I have lost a bit of weight and I have booked a holiday with E in which we leave in 2.5.weeks!

Despite all of this excitement (and believe me there is plenty in the air right now) I received a letter on Tuesday from Brighton and Hove exclaiming that I have an appointment with Dr Yelland next Friday!

It seems that with every bit of my transition as soon as I stop thinking about when I will have an apointment or I seem to give up some type of hope that something will happen then something seems to happen.

I think it's a mixture of my own impatience and sod's law trying to tell me something.

Since knowing that I am going to see him I have had constant butterflies.  I don't want to eat much, I just feel that I am on cloud nine a lot of the time. I'm a bit nervous about it as well. But on that day I shall have E and my lovely friend L who shall be driving us to the hospital as it's in Haywards Heath.

I found some great tickets for the train which weren't too outrageous so my bank balance is thanking me for that one as so far this has been a slightly expensive month, but at the same time I have been careful with my cash so it is all ticks and balances in some respects.

I am starting to think about what I shall ask, how the appointment will go and it's more a case of wondering what is going to happen next. I need to be able to work out from that appointment if he will be doing the surgery, what will the heal time be like, what do I need to prepare for, who will help me post surgery, will I be scarred badly? Will I have a nice neat chest? What if I wake up? Seriously...every thought under the sun I have been having.  Yet at the same time, no matter how much it hurts I have never wanted anything so badly in all of my life.

I can be me.  I will not have breasts anymore or feel revolting every time I take my shirt off and binders.  Not having to wear binders and feel the off pull and strain or stomach aches or feeling constricted because of my clothing would be a God send.  It will also be nice to feel less body dysmorphia. It is something I have had for years and has affected me.  I want to be able to stand proud, to wear deep v neck t-shirts, to swim in some trunks, and to be able to walk around topless.

This is something that is becoming closer to a reality.

Will see what happens post appointment as I don't know how long or what then needs to happen with the PCT. I hope they don't take a long time in processing this as I want a clear surgery date so i can start making mental and physical preparations for this.

Aside having 4 wisdom teeth out last year I have never had an operation before. I am a bit apprehensive about this as I have never been in a big hospital before but at the same time I want this and I will make sure I have everything I need around me to make it comfortable.

In the meantime I have plenty of work to do, a trip to Vietnam to plan and research into what gels and patches are good for post op scars, any diets I should be on and will also concentrate on my fitness and current diet to lose a bit more weight before holiday.

Maintenance is an on going process, that's for sure.

Thursday, 26 April 2012


I am starting to feel like my feet are leaving the ground.  This is good though at the same time, especially when it involves making progress and changes throughout life.

I am also am starting to move some of my affairs into order. I need to do this because I am realizing that I don't have some of the arrogant luxuries afforded to someone in their early 20s.  I am now in my late 20s, and yes I am still young, I can do many things I know I need to also focus on what is important.

I need to keep my mind and brain working and ticking over.  There are things I want to achieve and I know in order for that to happen that there needs to be a lot of hard work. This is something I am not intending on shying away from either as nothing does come for free. 

I need to save as much money as I can right now and by doing this it gives me more freedom and choices for changing my life.

That may sound a bit cheesy but it's true.

I also enjoy working hard and especially when it's the type of work that means it helps someone in some way. I am not quite at the mindset whereby I think everything is programmed to serve in my interests alone.

The world doesn't work like that.  I am not entirely selfless either. I'm just realistic about what I can and want to do.

I decided yesterday to write some new targets for myself, especially now I have just had my 5th T shot.

One of my housemates assisted me and this shot was one of the least ouchy.  Not just because she is a trained nurse and seems to have fantastic needle skills but I did exercise for over 90 mins which makes a lot of difference.  I say this because 4mls of castor oil going in the top of your glute can hurt.

It literally is like a solid ball getting lodged there.

Yet at the same time it's a discomfort I have only a few times a year because of the cycle and course I am on.

I feel with each shot it seems to mark a season.

I feel a sense of happiness and wonder every time i have an injection on the basis of finding out what this next cycle shall have in store for me. It's like a secret treasure trove of things that my body shall bring me.  So far everything feels bright but I know in two weeks time I get a few days where I feel a bit sad and unmotivated.

Still the more I familiarise myself with what is going on around me, the easier it is to handle it and embrace it.

I am waiting to hear back from my GP about the letter that she has apparently sent so will see what happens next week if I haven't heard anything by then.

In the mean time I am focusing on ways in which to monetise my surgery, should I need to go private and trying to learn as much as I can on the way about the processes, how it all works and what I should and need to do with myself.

I started a mini diet recently which so far is going well and some weightloss has started (finally!) but it seems a low carb and calorie diet mixed with regular exercise is what my body needs to lose the weight.  That as well as drinking more water.

The more water equals less food intake.  It's also good not to get ill from feeling dehydrated at the same time.

I'm starting to feel healthier and happier and since having a phase of anti-biotics and other unpleasentries it is nice to be feeling more energised and that my body is working well again.

This is leaving space for my head, heart and everything else to start firing on full power. My next T-Shot will mark 1 year on it so that in itself feels like a nice landmark to have reached. I am pleased that so far I have had a steady and consistent change in my body, my voice is dropping steadily and my shoulders are getting broader gradually.

I don't respond well to sudden change when it comes to my body as it triggers my own dysmorphic issues. I hate not knowing when my eyes can't match what I see in my head. Gone are the days where I used to cover up mirrors because I hated my reflection so much but I don't forget that and make sure I work with myself not to go back to that feeling.

The more I have transitioned and learned to respect and find a a bit more of a comfortable footing has helped massively.  My main priorities are to uphold and maintain the work I have done and to not slip and just add more positivity wherever possible.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Wishin' and Hopin'

I like Dusty Springfield when I feel stressed or a bit sad.  There is something about her lyrics which often resonates somewhere as well as making me feel oh so gloriously camp whilst listening to her music at the same time.

Life operates in circles and right now some other feelings I am having are coming back in a new wave of feelings and emotions.  Things are changing around me rapidly, my thoughts are transferring to facts that perhaps not everything is forever.  Things aren't what they were. My head and to some degree heart feel gently punctured and in some parts I am definitely bleeding.

For a number of reasons right now is proving to be a lot more stressful than I thought.

I am finding the process of having to have faith in a lot of things and be hanging, waiting on letters, waiting for things to change or having to rely on people and organizations which in turn means I have to put trust where I feel a bit cautious to do so.

It's not that I wake up feeling like a misery guts and I decide I don't want to trust or I don't want to think positively but at the same time I feel that certain areas of patience have been tested and the hanging on a wire feeling sometimes makes me want to take a pair of scissors and sever the cords.

I keep having desires to run away and try and rid myself from feeling tied down and trapped in situations. All of which rationally points to having some sort of anxieties building up.

Yet for the most part I can acknowledge what is going on, breathe, and continue.

I don't freeze but at the same time there are a few areas in my life right now where if I am honest I know I don't feel 100% happy right now. There is a lot of energy required to make a lot of situations and things happening around me good and energy is something I feel I am lacking in some areas.

It's a lot easier to click into auto pilot and drift along.  Yet the emotional sides of me sometimes chine in and remind me that I am not a robot, and within not being a robot it means that certain areas require my attention.

I'm never going to be someone who can pretend something isn't happening when it is but its finding the right balance of not feeling so melancholic, miserable and whingy to being able to process and acknowledge that not everything is ideal right now.

Life will always have a challenge or two and there is no such thing as a perfect life.  But at the same time it is good to also remember what is good about life. Also what is wanted out of life.

If something isn't feeling so great then now is the time that energy needs finding and focus needs to be added into how to make things good again or how to feel happier at least.

Another thing that is for sure and I definitely need a few days out of London soon whereby I sit and write and do all the things that I want to do that help me empty my head as well as soak in another environment and the energies that are there.

London is a tiring city sometimes and I think that is also another factor that is dragging on me.  Although I travel often, I do so for a very good reason! I like little breaks or at least exploring different surroundings.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

The Middle of The Tunnel

My referral for surgery is in the process of being written.  I had a productive meeting with my GP yesterday who shall be writing to the PCT and the surgeon which I have chosen.
My document from Charing Cross, had a few details in there which were contradictory to one another in certain places.  Also the 'Enclosed list of surgeons' wasn't provided to either myself or my GP. I showed her an email from my lead Dr at Charing Cross stating which surgeon I would like.  So at least she could see come of that communication and not just rely on a letter. 

The letters that come from there are slow. She has only just received my letter now and my appointment was attended in January. 

This was down to the Miss Leng Leng saga, getting a new GP because I was taken off the list at the previous place and now establishing a new relationship with my current one...

The process certainly makes me dizzy.

I am aware that these processes take time.  This is something that is a big part of life and also something which will happen, especially when things involve red tape.

What I do find frustrating is when there are things relating to the red tape come back with contradictions and inaccuracies. Particularly when it shall relate to going to PCT's to establish funding. It isn't an easy, and to be honest it makes me feel a bit stressed.

Since being stuck with the name of Miss Leng Leng for six months without any explanation or any answers as to why this happened, has made me feel quite jaded about having much faith in the system. Yet at the same time I am aware that I am lucky to have at least these options available to me. Many other people on a global scale aren't afforded these services, and I try not to lose sight of that.

I just feel a bit tired of some of this process, which I am positive I am not alone in feeling.

The categorization and the 'ticking of boxes' for numerous departments and agencies; I get it. Doesn't mean I agree with all of it though. I don't like that whenever I have an appointment on at my Doctors and my medical history is pulled up on the computer screen that it says in big letters 'Gender Identity Disorder' and when it was diagnosed.

I don't like the word 'Disorder' being placed on my records. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I am aware that changing gender may not be a social norm, but I am not the only person who is doing so.  Many people transition or are in the process of doing so.

Disorder has a negative connotation associated with it. I know I am different but I don't need to see DISORDER plastered all over my records every time I have an appointment. That type of categorization I find to be insulting.  Just as in some countries in order to get a new passport in chosen you are expected to be sterilized.

To be fair this is beginning to be challenged more and some countries are dropping this policy.  It still reminds me though that there is a bit of a way to go before better equality is reached.

No matter how long I have to wait or whatever bulls*it happens throughout this process, I know I have made the right decision where my life is concerned.

There are a million and one arguments as to why perhaps someone shouldn't transition, or other groups of people feeling affected by it on a personal level: "Why couldn't you be a butch lesbian?" "Do you hate women?" "Did you become a man to have a life filled with privilige?"

"Do you see yourself as a 'real' man?" "Does this mean you want to have a penis?" "Are you now straight?"

Yes these are valid questions and statements but at the same time how I transition and how I live is my business.

What I have or don't have between my legs is for me to know and whoever I shag to find out. 

Aside all of these questions, curiosities and sometimes what feels like people projecting their anxieties with statements started with "You're not going to have phalloplasty are you?" "You're not going to take testosterone forever are you?" "It must be difficult for your girlfriend being part of your situation..." and other things which after a while start to feel really insulting after a while.

I am not a freak, I breathe the same air as everyone else, the only difference is now at this point in my life I am a person followed by a but...

Still right now I am in the middle of a process and a little in limbo which is something that unsettles me. I am anxious about this next stage and if everything will go smoothly.  I hope there are no documentation cock ups and that I am communicated with without having to pester and fight all the time for answers about stuff.

This is something I will have to keep doing, but today I feel tired with the whole thing.

I am almost at the end of my last cycle and I definitely feel that my energy levels surrounding that are starting to burn off.

My energy shall pick up soon, but for the time being I shall keep to remaining on target with my current goals for now.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Cliche Groups and Other Tales...

I had some correspondence back from Charing Cross gender Clinic, after what feels like an age.  Since January 26th and now I had the name of Miss Leng Leng on my medical records and then I was struck off the GP register at my previous practice down to where I lived. I have since found a new GP who seems positive for the most part.

The practice nurse is nice as well.  I outed myself to them and they have been very polite, helpful and relatively friendly.  But I do miss my old Dr. He was really nice and I felt I had a different rapport with him.

Still I received a letter in the post last week that was what my new GP will read when she returns from Annual leave. It was a summary of my last session at the gender clinic. It's weird re-reading things relating to my health, significant life events, childhood, a few traumatising events that I thought I had forgotten, their classifications of my mental health and a bit of a clunkiness as I have a theory that voice activated software was assisting in the report being made.

The best one was discussing my adolescent years at school.  Where I had mentioned that I had encountered a bit of a problem from a few cliquey groups of people the report stated that I had problems from 'Cliched groups of people'.  I suppose it was right in one respect.

It's a bit difficult being a trapezium amongst the shall never quite fit in.  I didn't want to, yet didn't like sticking out like a sort thumb either.

It also was reassuring to see in writing that I don't display "Psychotic behaviour or tendencies" as I think most would be relieved to see.

I know these assessments are required but I can't stand the feeling of being put under a microscope. I have never had any major mental health issues aside having clinical depression. Yet when you transition or have to interact with these psychiatric teams you are watched and asked very string questions.  I also suppose when it comes to someone changing gender then they like to make sure it can fulfill some criteria somewhere that decides whether or not someone is making an informed or mentally sound decision.

I still hate that in order to transition then a gender identity DISORDER has to be diagnosed. I know this debate can be had until the cows come home but it does make me feel uncomfortable. It also isn't nice having it in big letters all over one's electronic records.

Yet I do remember and appreciate that to satisfy the powers that be and the levels of red tape and categorisation both medically and within society that the labels and the big letters are there for a reason.

As are the right boxes, the right pigeon holes and right categories.

It's a bit like pacman in terms of what path to take and how to goggle your way through the maze.

I have written a letter to my GP and will be having a consultation with her before she writes any referrals to the Surgeon that I am hoping to have. I also need to research a bit more as to what is the best approach as she is lovely but has never done this before so it would really be in my favour to have something to give her to speed up my referral.

Given the delay since Miss Leng Leng I am keen to make things move forward as quickly as possible, especially as I know which surgeon I would like.  He accepts NHS referrals and that way the GP and Charing Cross can then move their attentions to the PCT as relevant letters and reports will be needed to go to them so I can secure funding for my surgery.

Especially since the new NHS structure has been announced. I also don't want to go another year in a binder.  As I have been binding for coming up for three years now and that is too long. Also not good for my health.  I am acutely aware that on a daily basis I am crushing my internal organs and the crampy feelings I get are there from binding.

Yet having a DD chest size isn't easy to hide nor can just be hid under a baggy t-shirt. So this is why some of my attentions have really switched towards sorting out stuff for surgery.  The time is literally now.

I want to be able to swim.  I don't want to hide away anymore or endure hot days whereby I am sweltering from having two binders on. 

I am keen to complete.

Still a lot more patience, planning, positive thinking and trying not to feel frustrated shall be in order to make this happen. 

In the meanwhile I will ignore the dripping tap sound I have in my head in terms of the waiting I am experiencing.

Monday, 2 April 2012


I feel suitably Southbanked out, but nicely so. I saw many films, met many people and had a LGBTQI old time.

I saw some really thought provoking documentaries as well as a some interesting cinema.  I saw a few shorts that left me feeling a bit undecided as to what direction was being taken within the narrative but then I appreciate that sometimes there are random endings or a feeling that something is slightly incomplete.

Making a film is tough.  Making a film that will please everyone is even harder. Nothing will tick every single box and amongst the politics that we are confronted with right now withing each faction of our community then there are going to be a few complaints and frowns and people not feeling that there are many resources that speak to them or represent them.

Yet at the same time very few people seem dedicated or have the energy in which to want to create something, thus the cycle continues.

I take my hat off to all of those who did contribute and put something into the film festival this year as this effort and contribution helped make it diverse in certain aspects.

I would love to put something in one day, but that requires the right timing, effort and energy which is something that I don't have in abundance right now. But someday I shall.  I need to have time for work right now, get my health back up to scratch as having a double dose of antibiotics recently has really battered my immune system, and having a bit of hayfever and a cold right now isn't really helping.

But then I think I am going through a bit of a broken phase right now whereby everything seems a bit out of sorts and some of this is definitely down to the fact that I am back in puberty. I have stopped thinking everything is unfair, my acne seems to have calmed down and my voice is dropping more and more.

I feel closer to the person I have always felt I am. I am a bit firmer in opinion and with my personal boundaries.  I respect other people, how they tick but I also expect the same back in return. I am finding that as my confidence grows I am having more positive interactions with people and have been enjoying meeting new people, and catching up with old people.

Life feels quite calm right now and am edging myself on a bit more to now focus on new goals and things of importance.

I have let meself go a bit in terms of training but will be picking up a new exercise regime that includes a return to playing more squash and doing some other form of exercise.  I am going to buy a bike soon and ride it regularly so that acts as an additional form of fitness and would be good to confront the fact that I have been a bit scared about riding a bike in London.

I hate feeling scared of things and I hate hiding from stuff so this summer things will be different.

I desire to just have some quiet and chilled time and this is going to work out well over the Easter weekend.  This time last year I was going to Berlin and although I shall miss it this year I won't miss the exhaustion or tensions that it may also bring. 

I shall be going in September though so it's not going to be too much longer until that time comes around.

June is also starting to play on my mind as that is my next Charing Cross appointment which shall hopefully have the referral moving along by then. There is so much waiting to be had with this process which is why now I think for the sake of everything around me, I make my schedule varied and busier in some respects so that all of this waiting doesn't do my head in to the extent it has been.

Still, there are lots of things to smile about right now and I am feeling more and more positive on the whole about many different things right now.