Monday, 28 November 2011

Miss Leng Leng

My last post was very praising and rather gushing about my Doctors surgery. For the most part I like them, but this last week has tested my humor and red-tape boundaries somewhat.

I discovered on going there last Wednesday to collect my prescription that I am no longer Mr Leng Montgomery but Miss Leng Leng!

After laughing to myself at the sheer comedy of the name. As well as thinking to myself that one should never allow the NHS to assist in the naming of transgendered patients as these are the sort of comedy names that might occur.

The name of Miss Leng Leng sounds so funny you couldn't have written it so seamlessly into a comedy sketch. Right now I should start writing about the adventures of Miss Leng Leng based on the surgery cock-ups alone...

"Instead of Living in role, Miss Leng Leng lived in Rome for a year, twizzling her hair, putting on eyeliner and drinking so much Prosecco that ping-pong balls would be fired close to the Vatican, giving the Pope a black eye just in time for World Aids Day.

All of this was needed, especially as within this time frame she needed firm and conclusive evidence for the gender clinic in London that living as Miss Leng Leng was in fact the right choice and something she was sure about"

This would be one snippet based on thoughts I just randomly pulled out of the jumble and rabble of my mind.

As I write this I have serious cabin fever creeping in.  I have spent almost all weekend in my room and in the house as I haven't been at my most energized or in the best of health. Still had my third shot of testosterone on Saturday and am letting that settle and today had a few things that were planned and intended to do but for whatever reasons they didn't materialize and now I feel rubbish about it.

I wish I could make hide nor hair as to why I feel so gutted but I do.  I am sure it will pass.  I think since I had my shot I have become a bit sensitive, coupled with the fact that I haven't done half of what I would usually do at a weekend or what was planned and have been in the house or the area for the past 3 days.

Still next weekend will be different.  I will make sure I see people I haven't seen in a while and do the things I really want to, rather than feeling disappointed.

That is something I hate about being ill when you literally have no energy or just need to be resting it gets really boring. I find doing the same things painfully dull too - so within that context there is only so much watching a film or TV show via a laptop before you start losing the will to live.

(Perhaps I speak for myself on that one as I am not the biggest telly watcher on the planet)

Not all weekends will be like this. I also need to spend this week getting a load of things into order.  Especially with Xmas coming, last minute shopping needs to be done and I will need to put a few other things into action. Especially now that there are other people being put into the mix.

Also new goals, targets and pressures are about to start. It's soon going to be sink-or-swim time which I am prepared for, yet dreading in some places.

Still will cross that bridge when I come to it. 

If in doubt Miss Leng Leng will save the day.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


I have had a really interesting and exciting week since I last blogged.  I went to Iceland over the weekend and had a truly exhilarating time. There is no place like this that I have ever been to.

At times it was like being on the moon, or even another planet. Especially with a few sulphuric wafts that came our way from time to time. I also faced a fear and that is male locker room and showers.

One of Iceland’s top attractions is The Blue Lagoon and it is a must-see place. I did become anxious before going there because I did have a binder vest prepared but the thought of being in a changing room whereby you have to shower and where the men that were there were all topless did fill me with dread.

But on arriving at the Lagoon, you could hire bathrobes, so that was what I did.  Now I had my protector jacket I did skulk a bit in the changing room, changing in a toilet but did discover that there were some cubicles too as well, as with the showers there were some that were in cubicles.

I did at one point get a few odd looks for being in a vest but luckily a very tall man with a massive cock walked past me, and all attention went to that. It was massive (even though I haven’t seen that many close up) and I knew it wasn’t just me, as all the other men kept looking which for the most part men don’t do in these spaces, unless it’s a gay sauna I suppose.

So far from my experience in male spaces men hardly look at one another. If in the toilets they rarely make eye contact unless it’s a gay thing and then there seems to be a whole new different set of rules!

I was happy to face my fear, as I am determined that by this time next year I won’t have breasts any longer.  I can’t live with them anymore. As I have said numerous times, they are alien on me and don’t belong there.

I am happy with other aspects of my body (bar feeling a bit fat right now) but the breasts will be gone.  I have found a way to save for that surgery and I will be commencing that in 2012 as I had other things this year to pay off.

I am satisfied that I could do it myself and that whatever targets I set myself I have achieved.

There are some new goals that I am plotting out for next year and will see how fast I can get them done.

Amongst this and other feelings of late I am starting to feel a bit more positive in my outlook on life, which I am really relieved and happy about.

Yesterday I dealt with a bit of a prescription cock-up but learned that it’s best to not put trust in a third party when it comes to having medications sorted out or in my case my testosterone! Still I shall be collecting it today and will have it in my possession for Saturday which will be my third injection. 

I must commend the helpfulness of the people at my doctors surgery for being really quick and helpful. It’s so easy to moan about things but I think it’s important to give praise where it’s due as well.

I am excited as to what this next cycle will bring me, changes wise as there is definitely something starting with the T that is churning around in my system. I’m feeling more and more male that I am the person I have felt myself to be.

All that is left now is for this to continue, I want my voice to break and more facial hair to grow and my breasts to be gone.

In January after my legal birthday I shall start doing my application for my GRC. That way all my legal side of things will be concluded. I’m also planning on starting an intense training regime that will be complimentary to having surgery later on in the year and will help me sculpt some of my chest pre-surgery.

Things in me are starting to settle yet I know I have more hormonal waves to ride. Yet life will always be something subject to a series of changes.

If anything we all are in a state of transition in one way, shape or form. Someone could have a new job, a baby, new house or just learning something new and altering their old life.

We only get one life, so I don’t see the point in living it whereby one is miserable or not doing what they actually want to do (within reason). I also feel a sense of relief that I have done things that are true to my heart and who I am rather than feel trapped in a life that isn’t my own.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Hurry Up and Wait...

I am awash with excitement right now. After a weekend of a lot of chilling I have found a few discoveries which can help for phase three of my transition.

Also I can't help but be amused at the irony of some of this.

Potentially I may have found a surgeon in France to do my chest surgery that is very affordable and I have seen photographs of his work and the chests I have looked at so far look great. It also helps that I know one of the people so can verify that the work isn't just any old photo that has been cut and pasted up on the internet.

The amusement comes in the form that the place is near Toulouse - which I can't think if a better place to go to literally lose my breasts.

In some of my grim days I have joked about wanting to put my breasts in a guillotine to remove them, so if I end up in France for surgery I suppose that wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Cost wise it also looks like I would be able to afford to do this next year which is a great step forward.  My only stipulation for my surgery is finding a convinient time but also having it done before I am 30. I am turning 28 soon and also have been binding for over 2 years now so am reaching the stage where I have had enough.

It's also not good for my body to be compressed as much as it is.

I am a strong chap but still all these layers and the female torso doesn't belong there. Knowing that potentially I have an option to change this pleases me greatly. That combined with the fact that I might also be able to have surgery on the NHS. I have a second appointment with Charing Cross in January so will start some of the discussions then and evaluate what my options are.

This is exciting stuff and I am pleased that things are progressing on that front.

As this year draws to a halt, it also means that the start of 2012 means that other doors will be opened to me.  I can do my Gender Reassignment Certificate application because I was told I would fit the criteria for that by then and so I shall.

I would like a new birth certificate and if I do marry one day then I know I can do so in the way I want to, but would rather have any documentation like that done so that there won't be a feeling that there is anything blocking my access to do so and therefore to remove any potential stress or pressure from what is already a life-changing thing.

Still that won't be something happening for a long time.

I hope I do one day as that has been my dream since I was very small, but like all things sometimes certain desires can change too.

For example since spending more time with The Boychild, I have re-evaluated my thoughts about having a child of my own. I really don't know if I could or would want that.

I love having him but I do like handing him back too. 

Since I have been born the thought of being pregnant has made me feel physically ill. It's just never been something up for negotiation. But now I am not sure if I could handle being a parent 24/7.  I really admire people who do and I have an extra appreciation for single parents.

I was brought up by a single Mum and she did for the first years of my life really have to sacrifice everything. There wasn't a merry band of happy elves who would give her time to herself.  In fact quite the opposite.  Being in 1980s Thatcherite Britain wasn't nice if you were unmarried and on your own.

My Mother has never acted in a 'woe is me' kind of way in regard to being a single parent.  On telling my biological father that she was pregnant with me he announced that he was leaving to go to America. She never saw him again after the day came that he handed her half a packet of cigarettes and twenty quid.

So she would never say he left her with nothing.

He didn't want to be a Father and she wanted to be a Mother and she just got on with it as best she could.  It also helped that my Mum has always had a slightly off the wall way of living.  She is a bit of a hedonist and does live for the moment and will always say and believe that everything would be fine.

I do admire that in her.

I don't have that way of letting go.  I have to plan and think of everything ahead of me otherwise I end up feeling riddled with anxiety. But then these are our differences.

I have had some elements of experience of some form of Fatherly figure, but not until I was in my early twenties when she met A.

I still see A, and I do miss them being together but for various reasons they are not and I accept that.

Not all relationships work out and that is life.

It was nice feeling for a while that we were part of a family pod. Whenever Christmas was coming I would feel excited and this year I am getting excited but it feels odd.  I miss going away to the snow most years and making a feast and watching a James Bond film.

It is those simple traditions.  Although there were underlying tensions appearing last year it was one of the best Chritmasses ever and the worst for what happened after.  Never the less shit hapens but there are many wonderful memories that are cool and I will hang on to that.

He is the only person I have ever wanted to call Dad and will always regard him in that way. Things are now just a bit odd now he and my Mum are no longer together. 

2010 for me was a really eye opening year and brought me lots of love and energy to push things on transition wise.

2011 has been a very interesting year but am glad to see the back of it.

2012 I seem to have plans happening before it's even started so will be interested to see what is happening and where I am at this time next year.

Friday, 11 November 2011


Sometimes there is a song that illustrates how one can feel where the lyrics really talk to you.  In this case The Killers have spoken to me right now.

For Reasons Unknown

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognise you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

If one song could symbolise how I feel about my transition and body then this song would be it.  Only there were no unknown reasons but just needing to have the guts to be the person that I actually am.

I don't consider myself brave for transitioning.  I just see it as a case of being honest. If being true to one's self is considered to be a truly brave act then I despair slightly.  I also wonder what does that say about society if in effect we are living lives based around expectations of a peer group or if we will be controlled by other people's crap?

The part of the body that needs a purity about it is the heart.  Once self-acceptance starts and honesty with one's self can there be the potential for someone to love the person they are. This may sound a bit hippy-dippy and when I started writing this post it was the middle of the night.

My point is, without honesty we can never love in the purest sense of the word. This is why we tend to love babies and small people instantly as they are untainted by other people's crap.  Nor have they become worn down by the lack of humanity that sometimes crosses our paths.

For those who can't fathom this concept then I suggest you step out of whatever bubble you have been inhabiting.

Right now I know that things aren't as rosy as they could be.  Winter is setting in and there are things that need doing. It is a feeling of pressure that is starting to build up on me but also I am under personal pressure myself.

Once my To-Do list is completed or mini goals I set myself are finished then I know I will feel happy. It's just a case of getting it done

In terms of my transition I have a few things I really need to work on. I look up to people like Buck Angel and feel so inspired and in awe that people like him have progressed. They have had their top surgery, they look after their bodies and have a wonderful attitude.

A lot of people like to bash Buck but if it wasn't for him, he was one of the first people to provide visibility for people like me.  When I say 'like me' I am meaning people that are comfortable to be men that have vaginas and don't feel adverse to it being there.

I don't expect people to understand easily but at the same time it does help if people try and keep an open mind. I have started to feel slightly worn down by binary attitudes. It was pointed out to me that living as I do provides me with an opportunity to challenge people's views.

I get that.  But at the same time I sometimes feel exhausted at having to explain things to people so that they feel more comfortable. That is why there are spaces that I don't want to go near anymore as I don't want to make myself a target or be in a position whereby people feel offended.

Some of the issue in this is how people deal with what they perceive as Otherness.

This is something that doesn't just relate to gender but many other things too. Why is it that people have such a sheep mentality sometimes and if confronted by something that is a bit different why all the hostility?

Luckily I do know quite a few people who don't behave like that and if something is a bit different they might ask questions so that they build a better understanding and they have a genuine curiosity about something they aren't familiar with.

I see this mentality as far more positive and progressive and will unite people rather than segregate them.

To separate is sometimes done for protection and I understand that need, but at the same time could it not be argued that living in permanent separation means that a sense of equality will be harder to reach?

I'm saying some of this because I do have a slight debate happening in my mind right now and that is what spaces can I enter which means I still feel and support being queer?

Just because I have a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a straight man.  Even though I look male, ID as male and legally am now male. I get that I would be easily perceived as 'hetro'. When in reality I am far from that.

I am proud to be queer and feel that since I have transitioned I have embraced a queer side that is encapsulating and is comfortable to me. I feel it provides me with a lack of borders that enables me to explore and embrace the sides of my personality more flexibly than if I was gay or straight.

It allows room for otherness.

The only things that block this is how aware people are about the concept of otherness and queer when not in a place that is a cosmopolitan utopia. Say what we like about big cities but there will be a place for people to go without feeling completely isolated.

The world is never going to be a great big caring, sharing or accepting type of place, but things can always get better.

London for all is faults may have some bad sides to it but at least I can live my life with the right levels of support that I need.  It is easier to obtain access to things here than it would be in other parts of the country and even the world.

I never forget or lose sight of that because in many ways it's always easier to focus on what we haven't got rather than looking at what we do have.

Fundamentally one thing I am fast learning as I transition is how to be comfortable and accepting not just with the rest of society but with myself. The fact is is you are a bit alternative to the mainstream then sometimes there will be the odd tension.

Still I would rather have this tension and know that I am in a position whereby I am loved and supported and have allies at hand if need be rather than feeling isolated and stuck somewhere. That would be my idea of hell.

I recently started to feel a stage where I was mourning for some of my old life. Or a part of me that fitted in.  Even though internally I never fitted, but externally and gender wise I was enabled to be accepted and carried by a community because I hadn't come to terms with who I actually was.

For a long time I was comfortable with being a lesbian, I liked having sex with women, I liked having a girlfriend and I liked that our relationship wasn't hetero. At the same time I knew there was something that was missing.  I felt odd.

I knew I was a boy that was attracted to lesbians and wanted to look like a gay man.

I did think that was a bit odd but never repressed it.  The older I got the more I knew that these feelings weren't going away. I didn't want them to go away either. I knew that organically if things were to change or if I was to make any decisions that the right time and situation(s) would come about and so far this has worked out well.

I now apply this to all other areas of life too and not just with my transition.

Monday, 7 November 2011


I haven’t started listening to Ke$ha continually, so please don’t get worried about the title of this post.

But right now I feel I am stuck in the void somewhere living yet not living if that makes sense. But there is a lot happening in my mind right now.

Sometimes I wake up at night and feel that I have a bag of rocks sitting on my chest. But then this is how this year has been for the most part.  As soon as one piece of crap ends there is usually something else.

This whole process is starting to make me numb. I also feel that the T is making me a bit more numb in some places. I’m finding myself feeling less emotionally attached to certain situations which in some ways is liberating (as I was a bit over sensitive before) but creates another feeling of being slightly set apart from other situations and people in some respects.

I see a counsellor every two weeks and I am really relieved that I do so, particularly as this as provided me with a safe outlet in order to discuss certain feelings and situations that I leave outside of this blog.

It’s a relief knowing that I can go somewhere and say what I like without the fear or having to consider how someone else feels in regard to what I might say. I try and be considerate to others where I can as I don’t like conflict and I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.

Yet I hate feeling pressured in situations whereby I feel that I have to edit myself.  No-one makes me feel this way but it’s how I end up feeling.

But right now I am slightly frustrated. My life has become subject to a series of waiting.  2011 has been spent in chunks of waiting for various situations to end or be patient and wait for things to get better.

It is just bad coincidences but this has started to exhaust me. It’s put me in a position whereby I feel I have to be ready to fight or be prepared for some other battle.

I am not seeking to blame any avenue either but it is just the way things have gone.

Despite some of this negativity there are some positives to note as well. 

My periods appear to have stopped.  I should have bled almost 3 weeks ago but still nothing.  I am relieved about this but at the same time it feels odd.  I feel there is some progress in stepping away from the old person I was.

It is a slightly surreal feeling too, when you get used to a body operating in a certain way for 27 years and now it’s unrecognisable physically in some places and internally. My bladder operates in a slightly different way now too in the way that my pee has changed to which I will be seeing the doctor about.

None of this freaks me out though, but I am starting to try and adjust to having a new body.

I am definitely stepping further away from my old life and in some ways I feel that I am now experiencing other things relating to that.

Some connections I have had with people feel a lot different.  I feel further from the women’s community – not just for obvious reasons but in some ways I think it is boiling down to politics.

Yet within those politics is a grey area.  I don’t identify as a straight man nor will I ever be a straight man.  But I have a girlfriend and I used to have a lot of lesbian friends.

Now some of the friends I would say have turned more into acquaintances.  Partly down to life but some of this feeling is definitely down to the fact that I now identify as male. 

Some people I know don’t have men in their lives or very close in their social circles.  That is absolutely fine as that is what people are comfortable with.

It has also been a good lesson for me to start learning now as well.

Not everyone understands nor is comfortable with having a male friend or even a transgendered male friend.

Doesn’t make someone prejudiced as such but people will always have preferences.

There are certain personality types that I am more drawn towards.  I like people that are no bullshit, bold and passionate about who they are and aren’t easily swayed by a majority.

I’m never going to fit in complacently to the rest of society. Even at school I was never the kid who could just do like everyone else did.  Not for the sake of rebellion but because I was nothing like everyone else.

Same happened at uni.  I didn’t intentionally set out to be subversive for the sake of it, but it’s just the way things went.

I feel sometimes I live too honest a life at times and that is why I will have a lot of occasions in life whereby I will feel lonely or perhaps be invited to things when people have been primed.

But this isn’t always the case I hasten to add.

There are a few people who really understand me and care about me so that offers me some sense of hope.

I just feel drained right now so have a less positive outlook on life.

I need to make more changes soon and certain things I have accepted but there are a few things that I am not sure about.  I don’t feel that I have a clear answer on a couple of things and therefore it’s hard to make a decision based on feeling confused.

I need to find comfort soon and a sense of security.  Right now some aspects of that are thin on the ground.

I know what I need to do to function and on that level I am functioning very well.  When it comes to feeling I am living in a successful way then that is up for debate.

I have high standards and I feel I need to have some element of space to really create and actualise something really great without being weighed down by situations or other people’s bullshit.

I will get there as I refuse to feel beaten by feeling weighed down right now.

I now I can be positive and I try my best to do so.  There are a few things that are constants for me right now and fortunately the Boychild is one of them.  Being around him makes me realise that life is worth exploring and that it is valuble to learn something new everyday and to live.

It’s also so touching to see how much love surrounds him and how willing people are to be loving towards him. It reminds me that the whole world isn’t just populated with selfish arseholes.

But to be fair if you meet him your heart literally melts.  Even if he has just produced something in his nappy that should have a biohazard sticker plastered on the back.