Monday, 7 November 2011


I haven’t started listening to Ke$ha continually, so please don’t get worried about the title of this post.

But right now I feel I am stuck in the void somewhere living yet not living if that makes sense. But there is a lot happening in my mind right now.

Sometimes I wake up at night and feel that I have a bag of rocks sitting on my chest. But then this is how this year has been for the most part.  As soon as one piece of crap ends there is usually something else.

This whole process is starting to make me numb. I also feel that the T is making me a bit more numb in some places. I’m finding myself feeling less emotionally attached to certain situations which in some ways is liberating (as I was a bit over sensitive before) but creates another feeling of being slightly set apart from other situations and people in some respects.

I see a counsellor every two weeks and I am really relieved that I do so, particularly as this as provided me with a safe outlet in order to discuss certain feelings and situations that I leave outside of this blog.

It’s a relief knowing that I can go somewhere and say what I like without the fear or having to consider how someone else feels in regard to what I might say. I try and be considerate to others where I can as I don’t like conflict and I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.

Yet I hate feeling pressured in situations whereby I feel that I have to edit myself.  No-one makes me feel this way but it’s how I end up feeling.

But right now I am slightly frustrated. My life has become subject to a series of waiting.  2011 has been spent in chunks of waiting for various situations to end or be patient and wait for things to get better.

It is just bad coincidences but this has started to exhaust me. It’s put me in a position whereby I feel I have to be ready to fight or be prepared for some other battle.

I am not seeking to blame any avenue either but it is just the way things have gone.

Despite some of this negativity there are some positives to note as well. 

My periods appear to have stopped.  I should have bled almost 3 weeks ago but still nothing.  I am relieved about this but at the same time it feels odd.  I feel there is some progress in stepping away from the old person I was.

It is a slightly surreal feeling too, when you get used to a body operating in a certain way for 27 years and now it’s unrecognisable physically in some places and internally. My bladder operates in a slightly different way now too in the way that my pee has changed to which I will be seeing the doctor about.

None of this freaks me out though, but I am starting to try and adjust to having a new body.

I am definitely stepping further away from my old life and in some ways I feel that I am now experiencing other things relating to that.

Some connections I have had with people feel a lot different.  I feel further from the women’s community – not just for obvious reasons but in some ways I think it is boiling down to politics.

Yet within those politics is a grey area.  I don’t identify as a straight man nor will I ever be a straight man.  But I have a girlfriend and I used to have a lot of lesbian friends.

Now some of the friends I would say have turned more into acquaintances.  Partly down to life but some of this feeling is definitely down to the fact that I now identify as male. 

Some people I know don’t have men in their lives or very close in their social circles.  That is absolutely fine as that is what people are comfortable with.

It has also been a good lesson for me to start learning now as well.

Not everyone understands nor is comfortable with having a male friend or even a transgendered male friend.

Doesn’t make someone prejudiced as such but people will always have preferences.

There are certain personality types that I am more drawn towards.  I like people that are no bullshit, bold and passionate about who they are and aren’t easily swayed by a majority.

I’m never going to fit in complacently to the rest of society. Even at school I was never the kid who could just do like everyone else did.  Not for the sake of rebellion but because I was nothing like everyone else.

Same happened at uni.  I didn’t intentionally set out to be subversive for the sake of it, but it’s just the way things went.

I feel sometimes I live too honest a life at times and that is why I will have a lot of occasions in life whereby I will feel lonely or perhaps be invited to things when people have been primed.

But this isn’t always the case I hasten to add.

There are a few people who really understand me and care about me so that offers me some sense of hope.

I just feel drained right now so have a less positive outlook on life.

I need to make more changes soon and certain things I have accepted but there are a few things that I am not sure about.  I don’t feel that I have a clear answer on a couple of things and therefore it’s hard to make a decision based on feeling confused.

I need to find comfort soon and a sense of security.  Right now some aspects of that are thin on the ground.

I know what I need to do to function and on that level I am functioning very well.  When it comes to feeling I am living in a successful way then that is up for debate.

I have high standards and I feel I need to have some element of space to really create and actualise something really great without being weighed down by situations or other people’s bullshit.

I will get there as I refuse to feel beaten by feeling weighed down right now.

I now I can be positive and I try my best to do so.  There are a few things that are constants for me right now and fortunately the Boychild is one of them.  Being around him makes me realise that life is worth exploring and that it is valuble to learn something new everyday and to live.

It’s also so touching to see how much love surrounds him and how willing people are to be loving towards him. It reminds me that the whole world isn’t just populated with selfish arseholes.

But to be fair if you meet him your heart literally melts.  Even if he has just produced something in his nappy that should have a biohazard sticker plastered on the back.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so happy that the boychild makes you feel like that. I love seeing how you and he enjoy being with each other so brilliantly. He thinks you rock and so does his mama. When I came in tonight and heard you both cracking up with laughter, my heart melted too. And it reconfirmed for me what I knew already - you're the most wonderful manny in Islington.