Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Let's Get Physical

The hormones are in full swing right now it seems.  I had a mini shave the other day and can see hair growth and stubble starting in its own way. It’s not full on stubble yet but its heading that way.

I haven’t got enough hair to do a proper wet shave as of yet but am enjoying what is happening gradually.

My physical smell has changed a lot from what it was and this is something that initially worried me but I am getting used to it and thankfully from what people have told me it is a pleasant smell so that is a relief.  Although post sport I wouldn’t recommend anyone getting near my armpits as even I have found myself surprised at how much I will smell.

Everything down to the smell of my urine is different.  I get sweatier more than I used to and now have found myself showering up to twice a day if I feel that I am not as fresh as I usually am.

There is a lot more sensitivity in my groin area as well. I feel swollen a lot more in that area so have had to be careful in terms of what trousers and boxers I wear. As I don’t want to feel uncomfortable or if I am completely honest too many things that rub cause arousal which given how easy it is to feel horny right now I think I could do without anything else adding to that.

In short I am a very horny teenage boy right now. With that are some pleasures and also with that comes what I feel is a responsibility to manage this.  I have never felt so horny in all of my life, yet at the same time I don’t have the desire to hump everything and everyone in sight either which is a relief.  But my thoughts are mostly about sex, or memories of really hot sex, fantasies about sex, as well as feeling confident and virile.

I want to be looked at and feel that I am a stud rather than a boy. Especially when you have a hormone in your body that makes you feel very sexual and the last thing I wanted to be treated as in some ways is a-sexual.

Some people (in a not meaning to way) seem to think or behave around me that because I have decided to transition it means that I wouldn’t have an interest in sex or that I shouldn’t have a sex life.

I find this odd.

No matter how someone identifies in life there are people who are super horny and then there are people who are not. Right now I am clearly super horny and have been finding ways that makes me feel that I am validated without it having to come from a certain source.

I think it’s definitely an adjustment in terms of embracing a feeling of a new body and sexual identity but with that means that a lot of the time it feels like a very solitary ache as it’s a wavelength that I am still adjusting to so realistically how would anyone else be able to key in with this? I don’t overly expect them to either but it’s not always easy.  Especially when in a relationship.

In this situation it’s not just my feelings and desires in place but its accommodating for someone else’s and finding ways not to either offend or end up making someone feel pressure at the same time because my libido is a lot higher than theirs at the moment.

One good thing is that it’s not that I desire to be sexual with her all the time. I am very happy having time with myself as this is something I am comfortable about. I don’t see it that my partner has to provide every orgasm I desire or need.

I say the word need as sometimes my body is swollen and throbbing and that doesn’t go away unless I have some form of orgasm.

Sex has definitely become a lot more physical in desire than it used to be in some ways.

My voice is gradually deepening more from what it was but I think after maybe lets say my next injection there might be more of a marked difference in place.

But the thing with hormones is that the changes seem to sprout out of what feels like nowhere. So when a change does happen it almost feels like magic.

I am due my next injection in 8 weeks.  I have had some temptations to have what feels like more T at certain times, but I know that the way I am having this one is better for me in the long run as I feel enough changes already without having certain things accelerated.

There is one thing on a physical level that is bothering me and I have become paranoid that I have put on weight and now look fat. Although I know I am not, I used to be and now having something in my body that is making me become broader, has made it difficult to adjust to the fact that my body can be wider without it necessarily being fat.

I have been exercising.  I try and play squash at least 3 times a week, I also do one session of Yoga (which is one for stress) and I think in between I have to increase what I do at the gym as well so that I know that anything I eat will be burned off.

This is especially important right now because not smoking every day and the T makes me feel hungrier than I used to.

Chest wise I know some weight will come off once I have surgery and it will also be wonderful to be able to work out or play sports when not wearing a binder.

Having everything clamped to the chest becomes sweaty and isn’t nice feeling an extra 4-5 inches protruding that is pure fat.

But wearing a binder isn’t good all the time. When I am working at home then I have made sure I don’t wear it when in the house, so I give my chest area some space to breathe.

This is the best I can do before surgery. I don’t know when that will happen as of yet but will be able to make a better plan for that in January. Around that time I have my second Charing Cross appointment and would have been on hormones for 6 months so will be sorting out a few other things around that time as well.

I have set the goal that before I am 30 I want to have had my chest surgery. Given that I haven’t joined the 27 club this looks like something I shall be putting into practice.

Like with most things though it shall involve a bit of a wait.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Manny Monty

Two friends of mine have a delightful little boy.  I have referred to him previously as ‘The Magic Baby’ and in many ways he is.  He doesn’t pull rabbits out of his nappies or can saw people in half but he has a wonderful energy about him. His smile, smell and presence is a pleasure to be around.

His smile can melt many a cold heart and has won over the ‘I-don’t-like-baby’ types. I love watching how he studies people in a room, scanning them with his inquisitive eyes, before the occasional dribble or nibble of a handbag or pulling of someone’s facial hair.

I really like looking after him as it also gives me a chance to do something that steps out of the confines of my otherwise professional perverted life.

Where I research and write about sex, photograph kink and also review restauarants with a kinky twist, childcare is one of the most non kinky things possible.  For that I am relieved as this has offered me a vague connection and what feels like an olive branch back with reality. 

It’s also been nice to spend time with him, particularly as it reminds me that I do have some emotions.  I say this as the time passes and more and more cycles of the hormones begin to take effect I feel a lot less sensitive and soft than I used to.

I do see this as a positive in many respects, particularly as I think I was over sensitive before.  I would have emotional conversations and ones that were very centred around feelings.  Now they are still there but I feel I am learning how to feel and respond to things without feeling a weight about it.

It’s really liberating in some aspects.  Especially if I feel upset with someone close to me or if I have pissed them off I don’t think that they are still holding a grudge and I feel less annoyed about things too.

I would say that it is definitely a mixture of the testosterone as well as getting older. I am starting to feel more comfortable about stating what I want or what I am comfortable with. 

At the same time I do make sure that I don’t go to the other extreme and assume or act as if everything is all about me because it isn’t.

In my relationship I think stuff is about the both of us. And E and I always make sure that both of us feel happy and satisfied from how things are with our relationship.  Especially because both of us seem to be constantly evolving.

This is nice in the respect that she has her own changes to deal with too with various things so that it’s not just all about my things either.  But at the same time there are moments where things crop up.

I say this as I still feel that many people (although it’s not deliberate or meant to be negative towards me) seem to take a stance that her being with me must be ‘difficult’ or ‘is it hard for her’ or my favorite saying and that is ‘she is brave’.

Brave? Why? This is what I wonder.

I’ve even had people ask me if now that I am on testosterone will E leave me because I am ‘too male’ or I should count myself lucky that she is with me, as being with ‘someone like you can’t always be easy’.

I especially like that these are generally people that know very little about me, or our relationship or people who flirt with gender changes a little but think that they have some form of ‘authority’ when trying to decypher the otherness of our relationship.

The fact is we are queer and she met me when male identified and this might be hard for some to understand but she seems to like being with a man who has a c*nt.

I like the fact that I have both and like to use both.  This to me is a fact and I don’t expect people to understand but what I do expect is for people to stop shoving their own judgements or anxieties on me.

I didn’t transition to titillate or to intrigue other people.  I did it because I knew I wasn’t born being the person I am now.  Unfortunately a radical diet and a few step classes wasn’t going to do it.  Nor would wearing my hair in a scrunchy or listening to “Independent Woman” (believe me I tried).

I just always felt that I was a man. Especially when surrounded by women, I especially feel like an outsider then.

If anything I am a gay man that likes to sleep with women.

But ultimately things are fluid and what overrides everything for me is to be as comfortable as possible in one’s own skin. If you’re not happy about something change it.

You only get one life. It’s best to enjoy it as best you can.  Even if you didn’t want to be born, I don’t see the point in being miserable by choice. Changing things might not always be easy. There will be tears sometimes or even abject fear but why live a life that feels like a lie when most times there is a choice.

For some though there isn’t that choice and I see this as all the more reason to embrace and take things with both hands, especially if you have the luxury of being able to do so.

I am having my baseline blood tests tomorrow and after that I should have another appointment with Dr Curtis in a few weeks and in November I am due to have injection number 3.

I am starting to get some facial hair beginning and have had what I call ‘mini-shaves’ to stop the little hairs ‘biting’.  Voice is getting a bit deeper but nothing that I can really pin point.

The main thing I am feeling physically is that my hands are getting bigger, shoulders are broadening and my smell has changed.

Luckily E finds it enticing for now so I am safe it would seem!

Saturday, 17 September 2011


This weekend marks my second Birthday.  In 2009 I was in SF and a lovely man called Bean gave me a binder to try and see if it fitted and I liked it and I have been binding ever since.  Following that, I made steps to get closer to the person I felt I always was.

Now I am Monty…almost complete.

The only problem I still have is the having of breasts. It’s alien and really they shouldn’t be there.  I sometimes feel as if I am trapped in a fat suit. I hate having to bind.  If it’s a bad bind then I end up with a ‘mono-boob’ or my chest looks odd in certain pieces of clothing.

I would love to be able to slip on a t-shirt and not have another two layers on underneath.  I think on how much I would love to wear just a leather shirt or be able to walk around bare-chested if I so desired. It’s about having the choice to do so.

I would like to be more ripped chest wise so that I had a pride and felt I matched the aesthetic I have of myself in my mind.

As it stands I have a chest that yes is smaller than it used to be but visually it’s a headf*ck to deal with. At the same time I know I need to save towards chest surgery and that doesn’t come cheap. I would also want to look into the best cosmetic options I can afford too as I don’t want the other extreme happening either, whereby I am in a position where my chest feels mutilated and aesthetically that makes me want to hide.

I want to swim.  I want to sit on a beach. I want to be able to just pull off a shirt or t-shirt when I am about to have sex…I want the breasts gone.

I have accommodated two hanging lumps of fat now for long enough.

Other than this issue I have come a long way since the humble days of just binding.  I live in a new identity that is of my choice. Having a passport in my correct name and gender has been one of the highlights of this year, as well as having bankcards and everything else in the name of Mr Montgomery.

I don’t see it as ‘boring’ or that I am conforming to live like this as it feels truer to who I am. Perhaps my life would have been a lot simpler if in certain arenas I would have decided to be known as male there.  But then in general conversation I hate being referred to as a ‘she’.

That is when I knew I wanted to transition properly.  I didn’t want to be seen or spoken about as female. It started jarring on my ears.  It suddenly felt very wrong.  I can handle going home and taking my clothes off and seeing that I am female underneath.

That is something that I am used to. The fact I have female genitalia doesn’t faze or bother me. Fortunately there are people like Buck Angel in the world who celebrate being a man and with a vagina.
I respect for some this isn’t something they are comfortable about. For me I am comfortable about that.

If anything I feel my genitalia has become more androgynous since taking testosterone. I feel I have the best of both genders nestled between my legs. Sexually I feel slightly liberated in respect that I experience what I want given whatever my mood is at any moment.

This is exciting right now and something I am enjoying. Like most elements of my transition I have been trying to enjoy things as much as possible.

To transition has been a very freeing process. It can be emotional sometimes; I have had stages where I have questioned why I am doing this. Examined the effects it will have on the rest of my life and pondered who I really was.

A depression I sunk into last year that continued into this year was awful.  I felt lost; I didn’t know at times what to do next.  I wanted support and answers but knew I had to tread through this on my own.

People who are already settled and comfortable in their own gender or are born into a gender they are accepting of will never understand what it is like to feel like they are in the wrong body or have the wrong identity.

It has caused problems sometimes. Some people should really learn the skill of shutting up a bit more and accept (particularly when transition isn’t a reality for them to face) that for someone going through it that it can at times be difficult.

Still I learned to grow a thicker skin and not listen to uneducated opinions from people and reminded myself of one simple thing.  I wasn’t transitioning for anyone else I was doing it for me.

This has possibly been one of my best and most selfish acts I have ever done in life, but I am glad that I have chosen to do so.

I am now starting to feel truly happy within myself for the first time ever. So if I have experienced strange sideways comments or people projecting their own anxieties and feelings surrounding transition on me, to be honest I am reaching a stage where I don’t give a f*ck anymore what other people think.

The life I lead is my life. It’s not about being apologetic about who I am nor am I going to conform to things that pleases other people but not me. I have to put my needs first in terms of how I execute things personally.

I had a habit before of listening to other people’s doubts on things and subconsciously reacting to them. When I realised that I was doing this I started changing it.

A classic one is “You’re not going to take hormones are you?” “I think you’re fine as you are?” or my absolute favourite “I think you should be happy being a butch woman”.

The butch comment particularly irritated me as even when I was a lesbian I was never butch.  I was masculine but never ID’s as Butch.  I see it as being just as offensive as telling a Butch that they should be a femme or something along those lines.

Identity is a very personal thing and I get so irritated with people making assumptions based on what they are comfortable with.

All of these loaded questions I have heard since I started transitioning do have moments where it irritates me. Some people really need to realise that me transitioning isn’t about them or their comfort levels.

Seriously, these same people should try feeling stuck with body parts that shouldn’t be there or have assumptions foistered upon them on a near daily basis then we can have a conversation based on how someone ‘should’ live their life or what is comfortable.

Especially when it’s someone who hardly knows me!

I like to think that I am accepting of how people live their lives so do get irked at people thinking that they have the right to make judgements or projections about how I live mine.

To be fair though there are people who do make the effort to try and understand or show support just by being their lovely warm wonderful selves, and people who have been honest about not understanding much.

I would never condemn someone who doesn’t understand as long as they have a respectful attitude and a wanting to understand. I feel there is a positivity in that. As one thing that I do acknowledge is that every transition is an individual thing and what is ok for one person might not be for another.

As long as people don’t assume and just listen then I am happy.

One thing is for sure, now I am physically changing I do feel a sense of more emotions starting to knock about coupled with a toughness that I didn’t feel so much of before.

I’ve always been very honest about emotions, without that it unsettles me. I know that as people we are a lot more conscious than we make out we are. Some of this is to do with our relationship with honesty but particularly with ourselves.

I’m not the most amazing person on the planet (no one actually is) but I know I can be honest with myself about why I have done something or why I behave in certain ways. For example I know that right now I get more cranky than I used to but this is down to two reasons: 1. I don’t take as much crap as I used to from people. 2. The T has given me a considerably shorter fuse.

Knowing this I now try and manage it so I don’t become too much of a snappy man. I have also become aware of things that trigger me.

If I wasn’t honest with myself or others I would continually be making the same mistakes.

I don’t think I am perfect nor do I tend to think overly positive things about myself and I think because of that it puts me in a mindset where I feel I am a continual work in progress.

This is what prevents me from becoming complacent.

I am excited about celebrating my Birthday tomorrow, and taking a moment to look back and see how far I have come, from the sunny afternoon in a big house a-top a hill in Berkeley, California.

Monday, 12 September 2011


I have just returned from Berlin and still feel very happy, energised and content on many levels. I also had the privilege of being able to revisit certain play spaces all over again and have many special memories locked into my mind.

I'm also starting to feel more comfortable when I go there. I have started meeting more people and I don't feel that Berlin is somewhere that is just E's stomping ground. She never made me feel that it was but I did for a while find it a bit harder to integrate in a way that I wanted to.

Still this time around was a lot different, there were also some familiar faces from the UK which was also lovely. 

For the first time ever I felt that I was closer to the person I am becoming. Even flying back in the airport they were confused about my gender when I went through the machine but this time around I didn't care that I was patted down by a woman.  As inside and mostly outside I know who I am and I am comfortable with that.

Some people won't always understand or get it and as long as they are respectful then that's all I am bothered about.

Some people also will and like to make assumptions but I am getting more and more comfortable about that as I do things or go to experience things for myself. I don't need people to place labels on me nor am feeling so bothered by what they might think of me based on assumption.

I take more of a stance of feeling that the pleasure will be all mine when I might do something to change their mind.  Or they might just realise that they had misinterpreted me. Still, it doesn't make me feel a blinding sense of urgency to 'prove' myself or prove people wrong.  I know that things will happen when they are meant to happen and would rather this occur in an organic sense.

One thing that taking testosterone is doing to me right now is intensifying my sexual desires as well as certain expressions of that.  I seem to think about kinky things as much as I would think about what I am wearing that day or what I want to eat for dinner.

I feel so gloriously charged with sexy kinky energy right now.  It's a nice thing to feel, yet I am still getting used to it.

The libido increase has definitely started as my desire to have orgasms has really gone through the roof lately. Having a room of my own in the house I live in with E is very useful and valuble to us both as that way it means there is less pressure.

I have discovered that sometimes I definitely desire to have sex and at other times I am really happy about having a w*nk.  Sometimes there is a feeling where I feel I need to have a physical orgasm and that is done by myself. But the rest of the time I crave the physical intimacy and exchange had between being sexual with my partner.

The only annoying thing is once I feel horny I can't switch off until I have had some form of orgasm.  It's like a tap that needs switching off otherwise water continually flows. Which is annoying sometimes as I don't always want to feel aroused or that I would like to have sex. I would like to have a passionate kiss and a cuddle and not have a burning desire to do sexual things right there and right at that second.

But on a positive note I am having very interesting and glorious fantasies and know that some of this horniness will burn off eventually.

My libido has always been really high so to be fair I am not noticing a huge difference so far other than the intensity increasing. But like with all of this I am learning how to adjust to it.

The testosterone is making me feel a lot different.  Emotionally I am feeling a little cooler on the inside than I used to but I still feel irked and bothered by some things.  Learning how to meditate and do yoga will be a very important step for me to follow on with as it means that I can find ways in which to relax and in some ways to find a bit of peace amidst some of this chaos that is taking place hormonally.

I also need time to adjust to the changes and need to make sure I don't turn into an asshole in the process and so far I think it's getting there.  My fuse is definitely a lot shorter than it used to be though and this is taking some getting used to.

Although some of it is me becoming more assertive as well. I used to have a bad habit of saying nothing and letting lots of things build up and up. Now I let it out sometimes a bit too quickly but like lots of things I am happy to acknowledge that and put in the right levels of work to make it better and to allow myself to grow into being a better person.

It is important to respect others but I have to remember to respect myself at the same time and not put myself in situations or a position whereby I feel that I am in a crap position whilst everyone else gets what they want from a situation.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Surge Control

I have developed a liking for sport lately that I never thought I would have again.  But I am glad it's back.  When I was young I used to like playing footie, riding a bike and just keeping active all the time.  I thought I had thunder thighs but at least before a lot of puberty set in I was getting exercise everyday.

Now I feel I must exercise a lot in the week. Especially now there is testosterone in my system. Something is buzzing inside or throbbing a lot of the time and there is a lot of relief to be had in playing sport and doing things to keep this surge of energy at bay.

It also helps with my moods. I crave endorphines and want to have a more solid and firm body. I also need it as a way to help me structure my day so I can write, edit have meetings and research ideas for the work I do.

I also have to wank far more than ever before. But in more of an intense way.

I have always been comfortable with that and for years I have had a very high libido.  In speaking with an ex of mine last night, she smiled as she reminded me that even 6 years ago when we were together I had a very constant and high libido. As I have aged my interest and desire where sex is concerned has intensified.

I do feel my relationship with sex has started to change. At the moment I will have moments of feeling so horny that it gets almost painful with how swollen I can feel. If I don't have an orgasm I feel that I will die. But I never have the expectation that it is my partner that has to assist me in the orgasm or sexual side of things.

But it can be difficult.  But luckily with living together and having separate bedrooms in the house it means there is space sometimes if either of us need a bit of alone time.

I have started to feel a shift in terms of what kind of sex I desire. Sometimes it is purely physical hence why wanking is perfect for these moments as its not about anyone or anything it's pure physical relief. But then there are times when I want the presence of my partner I want us both to be connected to one another in a naked way.

But to get my mind off that I find I literally have to exhaust myself and find things to do with my hands.  Cooking has been a great way of channeling this energy as it is something that is appropriate and has been enjoyed by many and it is something I am quite competent at.

I am still learning as to how to manage this but bit by bit it all helps. As is doing bits of yoga for relaxation. That too helps me empty my head and try and have better energy in my mind and body. Sounds a bit hippy dippy but it's true.

The main thing I have learned these past couple of weeks is if I am having a surge then I need to keep active otherwise I get seriously grumpy. Not even PMT is as bad as this.  So to prevent this I have to stay active.

Not being on antibiotics anymore is nice, but I am still waiting for my results of my Lyme Disease test and I now get morning sickness most days and joint pain is still there. But until I know the answer I am trying not to think or worry about it as I don't see the point in doing that.

Instead I try and think about the nicer things in life and things that make me happy. I also take into account that my body has been unwell, but is also going through a lot of physical and hormonal changes too so it is slightly inevitable that I might not physically feel 100% right now. But I am by no means unfit to do things, I can function but I am just not entirely at my best.

On a positive note my squash playing is getting better and maybe in 6 months if I keep up the continuous practice I will join a league. I want to get better and raise my game where that is concerned as it brings me a lot of pleasure and one of the few sports I really, really enjoy.  I also want to take up climbing.  Especially as climbers have fantastic bodies and I think it's something I know I would enjoy.

That will be a nice new project to start. But in the meantime I think I will also remember and concentrate on what is around me too.