Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Surge Control

I have developed a liking for sport lately that I never thought I would have again.  But I am glad it's back.  When I was young I used to like playing footie, riding a bike and just keeping active all the time.  I thought I had thunder thighs but at least before a lot of puberty set in I was getting exercise everyday.

Now I feel I must exercise a lot in the week. Especially now there is testosterone in my system. Something is buzzing inside or throbbing a lot of the time and there is a lot of relief to be had in playing sport and doing things to keep this surge of energy at bay.

It also helps with my moods. I crave endorphines and want to have a more solid and firm body. I also need it as a way to help me structure my day so I can write, edit have meetings and research ideas for the work I do.

I also have to wank far more than ever before. But in more of an intense way.

I have always been comfortable with that and for years I have had a very high libido.  In speaking with an ex of mine last night, she smiled as she reminded me that even 6 years ago when we were together I had a very constant and high libido. As I have aged my interest and desire where sex is concerned has intensified.

I do feel my relationship with sex has started to change. At the moment I will have moments of feeling so horny that it gets almost painful with how swollen I can feel. If I don't have an orgasm I feel that I will die. But I never have the expectation that it is my partner that has to assist me in the orgasm or sexual side of things.

But it can be difficult.  But luckily with living together and having separate bedrooms in the house it means there is space sometimes if either of us need a bit of alone time.

I have started to feel a shift in terms of what kind of sex I desire. Sometimes it is purely physical hence why wanking is perfect for these moments as its not about anyone or anything it's pure physical relief. But then there are times when I want the presence of my partner I want us both to be connected to one another in a naked way.

But to get my mind off that I find I literally have to exhaust myself and find things to do with my hands.  Cooking has been a great way of channeling this energy as it is something that is appropriate and has been enjoyed by many and it is something I am quite competent at.

I am still learning as to how to manage this but bit by bit it all helps. As is doing bits of yoga for relaxation. That too helps me empty my head and try and have better energy in my mind and body. Sounds a bit hippy dippy but it's true.

The main thing I have learned these past couple of weeks is if I am having a surge then I need to keep active otherwise I get seriously grumpy. Not even PMT is as bad as this.  So to prevent this I have to stay active.

Not being on antibiotics anymore is nice, but I am still waiting for my results of my Lyme Disease test and I now get morning sickness most days and joint pain is still there. But until I know the answer I am trying not to think or worry about it as I don't see the point in doing that.

Instead I try and think about the nicer things in life and things that make me happy. I also take into account that my body has been unwell, but is also going through a lot of physical and hormonal changes too so it is slightly inevitable that I might not physically feel 100% right now. But I am by no means unfit to do things, I can function but I am just not entirely at my best.

On a positive note my squash playing is getting better and maybe in 6 months if I keep up the continuous practice I will join a league. I want to get better and raise my game where that is concerned as it brings me a lot of pleasure and one of the few sports I really, really enjoy.  I also want to take up climbing.  Especially as climbers have fantastic bodies and I think it's something I know I would enjoy.

That will be a nice new project to start. But in the meantime I think I will also remember and concentrate on what is around me too.

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