Monday, 16 August 2010

Life is a bit broken

The last few days have been somewhat challenging in terms of my sense of order.

Firstly my laptop has packed in so in a bit I have to go to the Mac shop to get it sent off as it's the graphics card in it that has meant I have had a no usable screen.  It is also a pain in the arse as I have photo shop on that one and I have a little bit of editing to be doing. Still I shall find a workable solution for that soon enough.

My other annoyance is that my Blackberry doesn't seem to want to sync properly with my applications meaning that certain messages etc haven't been getting through to me.  But my main annoyance, right now is the fact that my left shoulder has decided to do something and I am in a lot pain right now.   I had it just before I went to Corsica, it got a little better but its back to being sore again.  It started on Saturday and last night it got worse.  I was up half the night and I feel a bit bad for disturbing E, although she wasn't pissed off with me I am sure she will find a way of exacting her own brand of 'revenge' (that will be gratifying for the both of us) at some point.

Just sitting very still and breathing really hurts and I can't move much.  I sneezed earlier too and that made shriek a little. This is very annoying and I wish I could chop my shoulder off and grow a new one.

I know this is a whingy blog to which I do apologise but right now I am in agony. Still I am booked in to  a sports massage place later this afternoon so hopefully that will help.  My Mum is also sorting out an appointment with a chiropractor where she is so everything will get sorted it's just a bit frustrating right now. I don't like feeling broken or having my eyes water just from putting on my shoes.  Still there are solutions happening I just have to wait for them.

There is only one thing worrying me a little and that is revealing that I bind.  But on the other hand the binder works a lot better than a bra in terms of offering support for the back and anyhow this is a medical situation so I have to just deal with it.  Mentally I will just be a man with breasts today, I don't really have a choice in that matter and that does bother me, but at the same time this needs sorting out and that takes priority. I will just have to suck it up in terms of how I choose to present myself. Biologically I am female and in situations like this there is nothing that can hide that.

The rest of my weekend was a delight though so thinking of that is really nice.  Saw friends on Saturday, then had a lovely brunch with a giant lady on Sunday, then I saw the film Gainsbourg which was FANTASTIC and I suggest that everyone goes to see it and also did nice things like walked around a lot with E and chilled.

I'm going away in a few days for the weekend and I hope my shoulder is much better by then as I want to go on walks and things like that.  Another thing this means is no gym and that does worry me a bit as I really feel I need to watch my weight at the moment and not being able to exercise is frustrating - still I have to concentrate on getting my shoulder and back working properly again so I can do simple things without it hurting and some sleep would be nice too.

Still it will change and it will be less painful soon I will moan less on that score too! Despite my complaints I am seeing the positive side of things and things will be better soon so that is what I am thinking of...bigger picture rather than just directly focussing on what is happening right now.


I am convinced I have dermatitis on my feet from the amount of travel I have found myself doing lately. Still it's good for the soul and great for the memories. Environmentalists look away now! In the last couple of weeks I have been to Italy, just returned from Corsica and next week I am off to Switzerland for a few days with my parents and E is coming too.

I had an absolutely wonderful time in Corsica, the only thing I won't miss about the place is the mosquito's and other biting flies. I have legs that look like pepperoni pizza but it was my own silly fault for not taking any deet so I won't whinge (I don't have the urge to whinge) but will remember that when going ANYWHERE with sunshine that I should take precautions.

Still you live and learn and I am glad that my blood was sweet enough. Bastards.

If I could wipe out the entire species of mosquito's I would.  Seriously what purpose do they have other than to be pests and spread disease? Still

I did proper camping too as oppose to just having a tent to sleep in and I must say there is a difference between camping and glamping. It's nice all the same but last night I was pleased to be back in a bed! I do like the space in which bed provides but being outside and feeling slightly without creature comforts is also good for the soul too.

We were celebrating E's friend N's Birthday and she was there with her E. So combined all out initials spell out LEEN and trust me at the end of this trip I feel lean in certain places.  I did some via ferrata as well as experienced some canyoning. Out of the two I preferred the via ferrata as that also involved clipping ourselves to other things and climbing on suspended logs and doing zip lines.  I must admit I was such a scaredy cat at first and did feel shaky but was glad I relaxed into it and once it felt a bit more familiar I found I really enjoyed it and could of happily spent longer doing it.

Canyoning on the other hand was possibly one of the most extreme things I have ever done. It was very beautiful though, but the bits of it I didn't like was the jumping, and having to jump. But the rest of it was ok, but overall I think I prefer slightly dryer activities. Still I am glad I tried it and the hiking there and back was very good exercise as was the experience. It didn't grip me in the same way doing the via ferrata did but then again we all find what we like and what we dislike.

I want to do more zip lining as I did feel a little frustrated that I would freeze before going for it, once I got moving I was fine, as with the canyoning.  In the end I just told the instructor to push me off the edge of a ledge if I froze as I felt that would help me maintain my pride a bit more and I would feel less of a wimp.

Still some of us have that fearlessness when it comes to that kind of stuff and some of us are a little more, cautious lets say.  The weird thing is in situations like that I don't think I am going to die or anything like that I just don't like feeling I have no control over how I descend. 

Corsica looked a lot different to how I expected it, I managed to speak in a dodgy French accent for a lot of the trip which in turn is perfect warm up for theory!

I am really looking forward to showing E, Switzerland as she hasn't been before and it will be nice to show her the house and also the beautiful views where we are.  I like it in winter but I also like it in summer when everything is in bloom and the cows are out en mass. 

My external life as always is very good, sometimes my internal feelings don't match it and that frustrates me.  My main problem I have experienced lately is sometimes having the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed so much since last September and sometimes I feel it's hard to catch up and even keep up with what has happened and what is happening now.  Everything in me is subject to a lot of change and that is exciting but sometimes I feel an urge for quiet and calm, especially if I feel I don't know who I am anymore. That weirds me out but at the same time I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this transition stuff aside.

I do want to legally change my name soon as I feel my legal name is literally in place for admin purposes, but in terms of passport stuff and things like that I need to research everything thoroughly but at the same time I feel a little bit scared to at the same time.

I don't know how simple it will be as I am not taking hormones and I am planning on doing things privately so I know that will not necessarily be the easiest or most simple of routes but at the same time everything I am doing feels correct for me right now.

I am definitely sticking to my guns of taking things one step at a time as I don't think I would handle it otherwise. I get some days where I feel like a freak and that I don't fit in anywhere, but again I know everyone has those types of feelings.

I am really glad I don't feel like a teenage boy like I did when I first started transitioning.  I don't feel like a middle aged man but I'm working on it, minus the midlife crisis and receding hair.

(I know that was a bad stereotype to use)

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

The Hormonal Cloud

It's amazing what a few mood swings can do to the mind and body to some extent.  Right now I am feeling a bit of a slump but also have a sense of guilt for feeling like this.  I have a good life, a nice place to live, wonderful friends, supportive family and someone who loves me. Then the guilt comes back in as I feel I don't deserve any of this and feel manky that I have feelings that are making me feel like a piece of crap. 

I don't starve and I have a very nice life. I feel it isn't right to feel so rubbish and believe you me, I really want to shift these feelings but right now I can't seem to, but I shall. One thing I have learned over the years is never to give in to these types of feelings where possible. Resistance is key yet it is important to acknowledge what is happening around you at the same time and deal with it.

I feel very much that I am on the periphery to people.  I have realised one thing is definitely to do with my body.  I feel I am between bodies and there are certain things that I can't necessarily do right now or if I am more honest I don't feel comfortable doing right now.

I can't swim or sunbathe very well as that to me will mean that I am giving away the fact that I am still female bodied. Coming on my period really highlights this sometimes as I hate the emotions that seem to come with it. PMT is an arsehole at the best of times, and especially when you want to conceal the fact that you are female!

I don't get these feelings often but once in a while I do get moments where I feel confused about who I actually am. Now is one of them.

I recently purchased some new binders and one is fantastic the other ones are a bit problematic...they are cut a bit low so reveal I have cleavage if I am not careful.  Not having a hidden enough chest really icks me out as I have discovered over the last fortnight or so. I was in the gym and I could see that it appeared that some of my boob was starting to spill out a bit.  Luckily I always go when it's quiet so it wasn't noticed but that irritated me as it does if I am in effect having any cleavage happening. I feel gross when it happens. 

Then again I have always hated my chest, it's not as if this is something new.

But the weird feelings are starting to bother me.  I just want to be without breasts as they don't feel like they belong on me and sometimes I feel that I am a fraud as I am not the man I envisage in my mind yet I am not a biological man nor will I ever be.  I don't struggle with having female sexual organs, it's just the breasts and I hate being identified as a female as that isn't me.

I just don't feel much like I know who I am right now and that unsettles me slightly. Still I know this is normal and realistically I think everyone who has started transitioning has felt like this at some point. Life isn't always a bed of roses but nor is it a set to be full of doom and gloom. It's easy to succumb and give in and allow yourself to be crushed by bullshit, but sometimes your body chemistry just isn't on your side.

I don't take drugs for any depression I have nor do I want to take drugs to change my body. Right now I feel it best to make any changes I need to make naturally and with minimal assistance in those respects.  But that is just me. Everyone lives their lives in a different way to one another and for that I will always respect.

For this week I have to keep busy and have to exercise like a demon as that will help me break some of this. I had a wonderful weekend in Italy, and have another exciting weekend ahead of me but in the meantime I think it best to work hard and try and thrash out this discomfort.

Boxing gloves on...Round One...Let's go.