It's amazing what a few mood swings can do to the mind and body to some extent. Right now I am feeling a bit of a slump but also have a sense of guilt for feeling like this. I have a good life, a nice place to live, wonderful friends, supportive family and someone who loves me. Then the guilt comes back in as I feel I don't deserve any of this and feel manky that I have feelings that are making me feel like a piece of crap.
I don't starve and I have a very nice life. I feel it isn't right to feel so rubbish and believe you me, I really want to shift these feelings but right now I can't seem to, but I shall. One thing I have learned over the years is never to give in to these types of feelings where possible. Resistance is key yet it is important to acknowledge what is happening around you at the same time and deal with it.
I feel very much that I am on the periphery to people. I have realised one thing is definitely to do with my body. I feel I am between bodies and there are certain things that I can't necessarily do right now or if I am more honest I don't feel comfortable doing right now.
I can't swim or sunbathe very well as that to me will mean that I am giving away the fact that I am still female bodied. Coming on my period really highlights this sometimes as I hate the emotions that seem to come with it. PMT is an arsehole at the best of times, and especially when you want to conceal the fact that you are female!
I don't get these feelings often but once in a while I do get moments where I feel confused about who I actually am. Now is one of them.
I recently purchased some new binders and one is fantastic the other ones are a bit problematic...they are cut a bit low so reveal I have cleavage if I am not careful. Not having a hidden enough chest really icks me out as I have discovered over the last fortnight or so. I was in the gym and I could see that it appeared that some of my boob was starting to spill out a bit. Luckily I always go when it's quiet so it wasn't noticed but that irritated me as it does if I am in effect having any cleavage happening. I feel gross when it happens.
Then again I have always hated my chest, it's not as if this is something new.
But the weird feelings are starting to bother me. I just want to be without breasts as they don't feel like they belong on me and sometimes I feel that I am a fraud as I am not the man I envisage in my mind yet I am not a biological man nor will I ever be. I don't struggle with having female sexual organs, it's just the breasts and I hate being identified as a female as that isn't me.
I just don't feel much like I know who I am right now and that unsettles me slightly. Still I know this is normal and realistically I think everyone who has started transitioning has felt like this at some point. Life isn't always a bed of roses but nor is it a set to be full of doom and gloom. It's easy to succumb and give in and allow yourself to be crushed by bullshit, but sometimes your body chemistry just isn't on your side.
I don't take drugs for any depression I have nor do I want to take drugs to change my body. Right now I feel it best to make any changes I need to make naturally and with minimal assistance in those respects. But that is just me. Everyone lives their lives in a different way to one another and for that I will always respect.
For this week I have to keep busy and have to exercise like a demon as that will help me break some of this. I had a wonderful weekend in Italy, and have another exciting weekend ahead of me but in the meantime I think it best to work hard and try and thrash out this discomfort.
Boxing gloves on...Round One...Let's go.