Monday, 29 November 2010

Who Am I?

I have discovered that every so often I get confused.  Really confused as to what it is I am doing with life and who it is I actually am. The more I step away from who I was and having a female identity I feel as if I am ice skating.  That moment when you start skating away from the edge but you know you need to stay close in case you fall and also the reluctance to budge from it.

I feel I am in that place right now.

Only I am a bit lost and I feel I haven't got a strong sense as to what is familiar to me once again.

I keep moving from feeling really grumpy, to really upset.  I don't really like these feelings as everything inside feels really mixed up.  I also feel uneasy with the thought of having to be diagnosed with a gender identity disorder before I can proceed with some other aspects of my transition.

I know it's just a formality, and something that has to be done but at the same time it doesn't mean I have to like it.  Or even feel happy with that because right now I'm not.

I feel like a nightmare in some respects in regard to how I feel and feel a lot of negativity inside right now.  To which something I know I can budge and will budge but still don't like feeling it eating me and attacking me a bit too.

Soon though I know I will be ok about it as that is how I generally tend to react to things.  I am least resistant there but at the same time I also like to maintain time and space to balance and process this.  Going to see a psychiatrist in January will be helpful and should be a positive experience but it also weirds me out a bit and I am a bit scared. I hate feeling that I am under a microscope and I am a bit anxious as to what sort of questions I am going to be asked in regard to my gender.

I don't want to be exposed as a fraud or feel that for all this time I have got it all wrong. This is just pure speculation but being in a sense of limbo isn't overly nice. But again one takes a deep breath and learns how to plough through and not to fear the worst.  So far I have had a relatively smooth transition with a lot of positive support and it would be foolish and unrealistic not to remember that.

I don't like admitting when I feel a bit scared, as my pride feels a bit stunted but at the same time there is no point in lying or denying that this is the case either. It's so easy to lie and deny what is happening and once I do that then I really am in trouble. It doesn't work for me.

Still I know that this is situational and it is just a wobble.  I just want it to stop though. I can't bear feeling that I am confused and feel that I have a strange feeling of being between two genders.  It's not an easy feeling.  Yet at the same time I don't want to have to do things in order to what I would regard as 'conforming' to any pressures or doing things that I feel other people want rather than what is best for me right now.

I see gender as a spectrum and all of this binary crap is really tiring sometimes. Especially whe n it comes to what is expected of you just because you choose to identify a certain way. Or you indentify in a way that isn't just a clear cut and easy example of ticking a box.

Some boxes can be useful, but generally I prefer ones that aren't clerical or admin based.

I have made a plan, squash followed by work followed by sticking to tasks shall help me through this.  In between that taking time to cry will most likely follow as well. I find it hard to cry a lot of the time but at other times tears flow easily and now is one of them.

I plan on gym too but also I like squash too as its more sociable and right now I think I need a bit more people quotient even if it is just for an hour.  Working alone at at home can be a little bit lonely sometimes but at the same time working through lots of stuff all the time will also help to alleviate any feelings of isolation as it's head to the grindstone and to just keep going with everything. That is what works for me for the most part and that is how I shall move on from this.

Still, this rather interesting and eventuful year is early up so soon will be the time to create more goals and a few resolutions that hopefully I shall stick too. Still there is always a plan b and another plan for this or that...

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Random Friday

This was bulk of my day.  But something that has stuck is the fact that I had a referral letter from my GP for a psychiatrist in January. I didn't have to get him to chase it up following a rejection from Charing Cross clinic.  On the basis that they had no psychiatric records of me. Also this confirms that I have a 'Gender Disorder'.  That in itself is really not feeling very comfortable on the inside right now.  I feel like a cat that has been dunked in a bucket of water.

I do feel slightly nervous about this as well as thinking to myself ARGH! This has made everything feel very suddenly real.  It isn't helpful that right now I am stuck in a temporary vacuum of 'Who am I?' Once again, but at the same time I know that this will get better soon. This is normal for a situation whereby you are changing who you are and where you can feel you are changing from who you were.

This will sound really petty but recently I have boycotted one of my local shops all because the man in there always calls me "madam". Before, things like that didn't upset me too much but always getting called by the wrong pronoun by that shop has put me off them.  To be fair even when I did identify as female I never looked like a "madam" so why the fuck would I do so now? I hate feeling that I have been 'exposed' by that type of omission.

I know that perhaps he might be trying to be politically correct etc but I don't want to sit down and explain gender differences to him either. I think that is some of the issue, I don't want to feel that I am explaining myself away.  I know I do that enough to begin with and a lot of trans people have had to put up with this.  Also anyone who does have a different gender representation from the norm.  I know some people will not understand it.  There are things I am still in the process of learning how to understand as well but some things don't feel good and this is one of them.

I work very hard to appear as male as possible.  I drop my voice, I exercise a lot, I try not to eat much sometimes, not just to save money but to also alleviate having too many female curves as I know this affects how well and how much I pass.

This might sound a bit horrible to read but it's the truth.  I try to stay away from words and writing stuff that sounds too negative, especially if I feel not as happy as usual, but at the same time this is my blog and I will always be honest here.  I write this as a document of how my life is and not just to please or humour people.

I also don't like being overly dishonest.  I don't see the point.

Some of my fears I am currently feeling I am sure every transitioning person has gone through.  I have had paranoid moments of thinking that the psychiatrist will think I am a fraud, or that he won't believe I have a gender disorder.  Although to start with I don't think I do. I am male, just with female bits.  I wish I would have never been breasts or had to tick the female gender box. 'Mr' is a better way to desccrive me than 'Miss'. I just hope that is understood.

I really do. Otherwise I don't know what else I am expected to do at this current stage.  Still will cross that bridge when I come to it. Like with most things and with this in particular I know that this will be a predominantly solitary journey as only I can make sense of some of this stuff.  Other people I know have either worked through a lot of this or are very comfortable and happy in their own gender.

Right now I am confused on quite a scale.  The fact I have drank a skinful of booze when I first started writing this has made it a little more bearable. But inside something is disconnecting from me.  I feel it and a part of me wishes to run far and then hide. That way I know I am not bothering anyone. I won't be bringing negativity unto anyone else either.  Yet at the same time I seek a sense of reassurance and warmth, but I know that there are a few things to do with this that I have to deal with alone.

I was recently told by someone who didn't mean this in a nasty way but they said that when they look at me they could see how vulnerable I am in some ways. This has stuck with me as I feel like I have a lingering fart following me around from that omission.  I hate to feel I am looked at like that and it ties in with something someone else I know says and that is "It's better to have people be scared of you than feeling sorry for you". I really don't want people to ever feel that nor do I want to be seen as vulnerable.  But the fact is how does a man be tough without acting like a prick?

So many exhibits of strong masculine behaviour I have found has tended to feed into really bad gender stereotyped behaviour.  Sensitive men are seen as a bunch of quivering pansies to which I think is wrong.  Not all males were designed to be a brutus maximus or a macho man. Feeling I have pressures of new found gender stereotypes to now conform to makes me want to hang myself. (oh and for the record that is not something that I am intending on doing even if Sarah Palin is elected into power)

Some guys have feelings too and aren't just cold hearted, emotionally shut off beings. Nor should that be a stereotyped way of behaving either.  I have met many women who are cold and unemotional.  I sometimes envy that.

Yet at heart that isn't me. Whoever that person emerging might be.

That is something that offers comfort, particularly when feeling slightly confused. It's good to know what you're not before you can think about what you are.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010


I've been having a week where I feel quite rotten to be honest.  I've been shaking off a cold and in general I feel I have a lot to do and not enough time.  My mind is constantly thinking about so many things, on so many levels and at my head hasn't quite found the switch off button.

I also have come to accept that cold weather, feeling that I am a bloated whale, feeling like shit and feeling rather ugly on admission of having a manky spot on my chin all in all is a nice recipe guaranteed to turn me into a grumpy old man.

I remind myself not to be grumpy and to try and smile but sometimes I can't do that.  I also feel a bit isolated at the moment too. I'm stuck between a few thoughts, one or two private things too and I don't know what to do about it that doesn't involve being grouchy or taking it out on people around me.

I think the first step of anything negative like that ideally is to be honest about it. I have done that but it doesn't mean I like it or am comfortable with it. I am also feeling a bit stressed too which is normal - it is this time of the year, there is a slight feeling of gloom in the air for the most part.

But there is a silver lining, like everything. I know this feeling won't last, it is situational. I just feel incredibly frustrated with it, and I know in acknowledging it it lets it all out. Also having alternating feelings of wanting to be held tight to wanting to hide. It's annoying. I refuse to give into these negative thoughts though as I know it's just a small phase on admission that right now I haven't been physically well and I feel a bit stressed.

Everyone feels that at some point in their life, it's not exactly uncommon is it? I think a large chunk of my own stress is feeling that I need to prove myself half the time. I hate having that pressure from within sometimes as I am not perfect by any means I keep finding faults with myself and then that seems to translate elsewhere.

I then start to think, why does the mind do that?  Why do we as people sometimes become irrational and sulky with life? I then become irritated by having irritation and then I find myself wanting to reach for herbal tea and an IV drip.

Still I will lose my whinging soon I know it as these thoughts and feelings are slowly starting to drive me nuts. I may not be a hard arse but it doesn't mean I will be a wimp either.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Winter is here

As the title suggests I feel I have now accepted that autumn is gone and now we have winter upon us.  That is the thing with Autumn, I feel it's the quietest of all the seasons.  You feel the long, harsh weather of winter, you look forward to spring, then you prepare for a long summer and then autumn quietly pops by and hey presto we are in winter.

The only time I know it's autumn is when I see recipes for beetroot appearing everywhere as well as pumpkin. Other than that for those who are seasonal with their diets, get ready for lots of ummm parsnips with everything.  Ok maybe I am over exaggerating slightly but my excuse today is Man Flu related.

It isn't actual flu but a sore throat. Which I have had since Wednesday.  I also went from feeling achey to now feeling very bunged up and am convinced that my left nostril has been super glued together.  The only thing I am enjoying about this is that I have a super deep voice as I just realised when I spoke on the phone earlier on. Now if I could have this voice all the time I would be a very happy man. Still, we can't have it all.

I am getting more and more bored about this cold and just want it to go now as it's been almost a week. 

On having this realisation that it is winter I have also realised that this year has zoomed by incredibly fast as well as creating distance from a number of things too.

2010 on the whole has been a wonderful year.  I met someone and fell in love, after literally treading on their foot(!) I graduated with a 2:1, started up a business with my parents and met many lovely people along the way on a personal and professional basis. I have also transitioned further and a few things that were freaking me out a bit just don't.

I really like how a lot of things feel in my life right now and I intend on keeping it that way. Post Uni life though has been interesting.  It's almost like having a protective bubble removed and then here appears the world once again.

It also made me feel really out of sorts.  I still feel like I am finding my feet but I feel there is a clearer way.  There are certain things as well that I don't think I ever will shift.  In a work capacity I think there will always be a feeling that we need 100 billion things right now, but at the same time I also remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day either.  Doesn't mean one loses sight of that ambition but to just be a little more realistic. Still we learn these things, as time goes on. 

As we get closer to Christmas I have started thinking once again as to what goals I shall set myself for the next year. Even if I have my moments of feeling unsure I know I still have to plough on. Just finding the energy and ways to do so properly.  It will happen I just don't know how I will do so quite yet. 

I need to assess a few things as well as improve on a load of things too.  But it's a nice adventure waiting to happen. Well that is what the positive thinking side of me is saying, anything else in me is just urging me to wait and see.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

It's the most transitioning time of the year...

I really don't know what is happening at the moment but I am embracing it. Lots of things that were really freaking me out before just aren't anymore. I can identify what it is sometimes that makes me feel uncomfortable but for the most part I can't be bothered to allow certain things to weigh me down and affect me in the ways they used to.

It doesn't mean that I don't care, but on the contrary I feel less vulnerable and less afraid of the world and people - well to a fair degree.

I always have a few thoughts bubbling away inside of me, but fortunately I feel that I can handle it. I am starting to prefer thinking that I can do something rather than I can't do something. If I am not so good at something then I intend to improve if its something I really want to be good at or to not feel intimidated by.

At the same time I also know it's important to know myself and my own personal boundaries. I thrive on having that sort of structure as that to me provides me with some safety. Especially with transition, I am feeling more and more that my environment is prone to shift and change quite suddenly and dramatically in some respects. For that reason I need to feel a strong sense of security from within.

My body in the last few months has really changed and I am pleased with that.  I did need to lose more weight and I want to continue to shift weight and change my body shape as much as possible as I don't want to return to how I used to be.  I also know that I struggle with my personal image sometimes too and as long as I can wear smaller clothes and feel that when I  am thinner I feel more attractive. I am now the smallest I have ever been but I do know that I keep thinking sometimes that I could do with more weight coming off but then I think a lot of people think like that.

I'm starting to get weirdly excited that in January I will turn 27. The older I get the happier I get it seems. I hate feeling closer to my youth.  I think about some of my feelings I had in my early 20s and I cringe, massively cringe! But at the same time that is what made me who I am today.

It has been nice to think about that time recently and not feel angry or cry but left me thinking about how much I have moved on and grown from that stage in my life. I felt very unhappy a lot of the time and didn't seem to know how or want to be happy which isn't a nice thing to really accept but it's true. There were also a few periods that I didn't think I would still be alive now. For a long time I did hate being alive, and in some respects the main thing I struggled with was finding what I felt was my 'place' here in the world.

This isn't intended to sound dramatic, it's just a fact. Not a pleasant fact, but it is what it is.

It makes sense to me, but obviously I am not sure how it translates to others. 

For a number of years I have had clinical depression. I've had highs and lows and tried a variety of things to treat it.  The things that I can say have worked for me (as I do see it as a very individual thing as to what works for people to feel better) has been feeling listened to and understood. Also having space and counselling to identify why it is certain things triggered certain negativities within me helped a lot.

For a number of years feeling I was in the wrong body has definitely flagged a few esteem issues.  For a long time I knew I hated having breasts, and I knew I felt increasingly freaked out at the prospect of being seen and identified as a female. At the same time I didn't think myself a bloke but a man. In hindsight I can see why I felt confused in some respects! Just thinking back to one or two things I too feel really confused.

Still the feelings that I wasn't female over the last few years have felt like an alarm ringing louder and louder. I still don't fully know exactly how far I will transition but again that is my business and I don't have to justify my decisions to anyone.

Nor should anyone else have to either. If it is found to be confusing to some people then I am happy to explain what I want to explain but one thing is for sure following something I witnessed recently and that is I don't owe any explanation to anyone, nor should anyone else.

As far as I am concerned and bothered about is people knowing me by my preferred name and preferred pronoun. Anything else I disclose is my choice and not someone's right.

At the moment I am pleased to say that I don't feel sad or depressed, and if I do have the odd moment of feeling something unpleasant I have found myself talking about it more or neutralising it by thinking about where it's coming from and why it's there. I feel in some ways if light is put on it, it dissolves.  Depression and negative feelings like that like to hide in the shadows and pull you down a dark alley.

I have grown tired of feeling upset or sad and for that reason if I feel these feelings surfacing I have started fighting it off. It's not always easy but at the same time it has to be done. I don't like feeling how I used to and feeling that I am being reminded in some respects of how I used to feel either.

Slowly but surely I am starting to feel more free in myself and that I am safe. I need to feel that and that desire to protect myself and my environment as otherwise people are capable of disturbing that, particularly as there are some folk that like to push things and I won't tolerate it.  Not anymore.

There are thoughts and feelings that are getting louder now to me but at the same time I know when the time will be right in order to action them. As well as how to gather more content for my website, how to make it successful, how to become more muscly, how to have a decent lifestyle and also when will I win the lottery.

All in all my thoughts and ideals are a mixture of perfectly realistic goals and things that are nearly impossible but at the same time they inspire hope so that is something. Be it realistic or pie in the sky it's there.


Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Fade To Grey

There are a few things that I have found sometimes have an impact on my moods.  One thing is the weather. I can't stand grey skies and a feeling of darkness that comes with it.  To look outside and feel that the atmosphere is slightly depressing doesn't do wonders for the mood.  Yet at the same time I try not to let it affect me but a lack of sunshine does make me feel slightly more lethargic and I crave hibernation. Well in the short term.  In actual reality I will see people and will feel myself craving good conversation, and pleasant company with a mug of steaming hot tea.

I think it's a sign of feeling a little older when excitement comes from discovering a new tea.  This week I have fallen in love with Roobios tea. I could drink that by the gallon and unlike coffee and other things containing dairy or even non dairy it feels a lot lighter on the stomach, which brings me to my next thought at the to stay slim in winter!

I feel I have to be extra strict with myself at the moment as I feel as if I am battling slightly with an inner jabba that wants to eat the world. Still eating healthily isn't proving to be too difficult.  I am still going to the gym and at the weekends I will be playing squash with someone who I refer to as the 'Kazanator'. She kicked my arse last time we played but for me it isn't always about the winning but just the running around and sweating to the point that I stink. I feel less worried about what and how I eat when that happens. 

Also Christmas is coming, I am a massive foodie and I like to cook lots. I just want to make sure I don't get into old eating patterns or old body shapes as I know that the leaner I am the easier it is for me to pass. I also keep thinking I am huge when factually I am not as half of my clothes now hang off me like tents or things like my belt needs more holes so these are positive reminders that my body has indeed changed.

I know deep down it's all a case of having the right attitude and from that growing from that. It's too easy to give in to lots of negative feelings, especially if you are wired into a depressive way of thinking. I sometimes feel like I split myself in two and there is one half of me mentoring the other. I also have to tell myself off and keep a sense of reality rather than what my impression is about something.

If I am in a crappy mood then naturally I will think that other things are crappy too. Remembering The Bigger Picture thinking about nice things and nice people always helps. Still the occasional half hour of being a grouch is sometimes needed and sometimes slightly unavoidable.  I just try not to let certain thoughts carry me off as I know they will go.

I try not to think in terms of letting something bad last. Just like something amazing never lasts infinitely, but the memories and intention to keep that sort of positivity can be something in which we strive for if we want it.

Of late I have discovered that many things are attainable - it just depends on how much someone wants something and how hard they are willing to work to attain it. The saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' is somewhat true in some respects but at the same time it doesn't mean it has to take an eternity either.

Today is still grey but I have a few things to look forward to, the rain will stop and with that I will stop feeling imprisoned. It's odd that sometimes despite social networking technology, the amount of emails and texts I send a day or even the odd phonecall that I get moments of feeling massively disconnected from the world.

All of which shall be remedied in a few hours. Otherwise I will play 'Kum By Yah' on a continuous loop until my sense of humor returns.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Men Have Hang Ups Too

There is something I discover more and more as I grow into the male identity that I possess as well as conversations that I have had and overheard, but men do have sensitivities too.

But the difference is either they don't voice them or they can't speak of them due to expectations around them.

Last week when in the gets I overheard a conversation between two men.  One guy had been dumped and the ex had told him some unflattering things about his penis size.  He as clearly knocked in terms of his confidence and also his feeling that he could satisfy a woman. I felt sorry for him.  His friend was offering reassurance but it was obvious this guy would take a while to recover from that one.

Still something he said is something I have overheard mentioned in many a post break up conversation "Why wasn't I good enough" but things along those lines I have become used to hearing women say.  It did feel like a bit of a discovery to notice that men too have discussions about feelings and emotional and why not?

I am massively against the notion that in order to be a man that it means to have minimal emotions or not to talk about feelings as something  have discovered is that men do have feelings. They might not show it but I think a lot of this is down to socialisation.

OK I am not saying that everyone is doing it in a right or wrong way but I do find it interesting that wherever possible it is seen that men can't be the ones to cry or be the ones to feel emotional.  Instead they are expected to carry on and get through everything.  I am not suggesting either that everyone stops to become an emotional weeping mass either but the whole "Be A Man" thing can really grate on me sometimes in terms of how people express themselves.

I also realised how entrapping this can be too, particularly last year.  Literally for a few months since I started my transition I found it impossible to cry.  I didn't want to hold any emotions and inside I felt slightly barren in some respects.  I experienced some pain but overall I was coasting along in what felt like a shell of loneliness.

I was also experiencing what felt like a second puberty too which is something I am relieved I have stopped.  Emotionally absolutely everything I was thinking and feeling and wanting to explore changed very dramatically.

I started to care a lot more about how and with whom I slept with as having the new identity meant in a couple of ways I couldn't hide.  The removal of a binder in some ways is like removing one's own armour. Even now I feel exposed slightly when I take it off, even though I am with someone who see's me as their boyfriend I still have to take a deep breath before I remove it and remind myself that it's OK.  It's strange as it's not like E has ever given me any feelings to suggest such a thing, more to the contrary if I am to be precise, but this is something I know comes with me.

Another thing that I experienced when hitting that second puberty was a feeling if disjointed awkwardness when it came to sex. Even now I cringe at remembering how embarrassed I would feel and how clumsy I would feel too. I felt I didn't understand the first thing when it came to sleeping with a woman, I didn't know why I would be fancied and if I would be 'good enough' in bed or had a sexual prowess to begin with.  It was like learning everything again from scratch.

To couple that off I didn't just want to f*ck everyone in sight either. I spent too many years sleeping with people because we were both drunk, or I felt I owed something because they seemed to like me.  I had the wrong values and particularly now I have a new body and that I feel closely is the true me I am fussier and more protective about how I use that.

I don't want to use people or be used by people, and around then my sexual partner quotient that a few years ago could have ranged from multiple people in a week dropped to one or none. At the same time I am not ashamed of my past either nor heavily regret things I have done but I am pleased now that I do behave differently and that certain things have changed.

In many ways my behavior had to change as it's not so clear cut as to how I can go about having sex in the first place. I would always make it clear that I was transitioning but at the same time it's not overly easy to meet the types of people I would now be draw to.  I see people and yes there are queer spaces and lovely bars but I do by and large like what happens when you meet someone by chance.  That is something I see as controlled by fate.

Many things I put down to fate if I think about it further. I also have a weird sense in not wanting to take things I do have with people for granted or how they feel about me. If in a relationship with someone I never see them as someone who is just 'there' like a pair of shoes or something like that.  They are someone I cherish, love and desire.

Same applies for people that care for me, I don't expect them to nor think its something that isn't valued.

Also making any type of relationship takes dedication and hard work, well that is my view anyhow. If I believe in a relationship I have then I will make sure I put effort into not pissing the other person off, learning how to be with them and also exploring things with that person as well as enjoying whatever dynamics we have in place.

The right dynamics and right levels of communication keep things tightly bound. But I suppose these are the things that we learn and discover as we continue.

Generally I do prefer to avoid relationships if I know I am not in a position whereby I will want to have any types of emotional connection with someone or heavy intimacy. Yet it doesn't stop me desiring it, but for that reason I will never be involved in a proper relationship with someone unless I know I can give 100%.

Yet at the same time I know I like to have a nice relationship, one day I want to marry and have a relationship where I have been with someone for donkey's years and there is a a strong glow of building a strong bond, waking with someone you adore and cherish and not thinking that you're trapped or that your life is being affected or wondering what you are doing with that person. I do in some ways slightly envy people who do have all that but at the same time I admire and respect people who have maintained a long relationship and have managed to make things work. These people humble the inner romantic that lurks inside of me and gives me validation that relationships are worth having.

Still all these things come with time, I am soon to be 27. So providing I don't get claimed into the rock and roll hall of fame, in terms of meeting an untimely death, there are some things I want to get on with for the rest of my life. 

All of these things are especially on my mind right now.  From looking around me and also having personal thoughts and opinions on various things myself I look around and to some extent have started questioning everything.

I can't help myself, particularly now as there are things I see that are changing around me as well as things changing in me. I spent a lot of years feeling massively unhappy, and I have learned that the one main force that helps overcome certain things has to come from within.

We all hold the keys to our own happiness but it's how we use them that is the challenge.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


I am sensing that a little seasonal discomfort is bubbling up.  The weather is getting colder, we have less daylight and I keep alternating between having thoughts of wanting to hermit and hide to wanting to be surrounded by lovely people. To which is working out nicely.

My mind dips sometimes, especially when there is a seasonal change and I feel it a little right now.  I also don't feel very attractive, I sometimes think I am a bloated whale that weighs ten tonnes but I know that is because my time of the month is upon me. I also need a haircut (which is being remedied on Thursday). Sometimes I hate the hormonal feelings that come with menstruation as well as the sensitivities that accompany it. That frustrates me massively, especially when I am experiencing it and then a few hours or a day later everything is fine. But when experiencing the initial feelings it feels like hell. Having some female feelings sometimes really is a pain in the arse.

I saw an elderly lady on her own the other day and I wanted to cry as I felt a sense of sorrow for the fact that she was alone and didn't have anyone to shop with her and accompany her and couldn't quite figure out where those feelings came from.  I then felt silly for feeling so sensitive about it. I still feel a bit confused.

I want to feel less sometimes, and less affected by what people sometimes say and do or even just the environment I am in.  But saying that I will never be made out of stone.  That isn't who I am, but re-reading that I suppose its a case of not jumping from one extreme to another.

That to me is futile and something I know I have to try not to do.

It's very easy to jump between black and white thoughts but the world isn't like that and life, more importantly doesn't work in that way.  Well it can, but it would mean excluding a lot of things and a lot of experiences.

I can't see that being an option for me...I seem to be attracted to doing things the interestingly complicated way.  But fortunately I haven't experienced too much drama from that, but at the same time I  don't go out looking for it nor invite it wherever possible. Also I am a little bit older, have learned how not to take crap and also how not to take too much responsibility for things that really aren't my thing.

It does take some learning and not being in one's early, early twenties really helps.  I sometimes cringe when I think back to being 21 as in many ways I was still such a child.  I also used to drink too much and from that I think that was a big reason I was meeting people out and about that wouldn't really be my cup of tea now nor would I be theirs.

Still it's all learning and memories.  I am glad I have started do things that are a lot more positive and that I live a much more positive life as that is something I think ultimately everyone would like but its how they go about it.

I don't believe that happiness comes from just getting what you want out of life all the time but it can help, and also depends on which way it occurs.  I find quite a lot of people to be very self centred in a lot of ways yet at the same time we are humans and in some ways programmed that way.  As a species we are egotistical and selfish and think we own the planet.

There are some individuals that I have encountered in life who also seem to think that way too.  Still there are some differences to be had and there will always be differences between groups of people and personality types.

Someone like me would be considered too 'soft' for some if they were seeking a bold, brash, swaggering lothario.  Ok maybe I am not selling myself very well here or presenting myself as someone that is a wimp but I know I'm not.  I feel in some ways I am less performative about who I am in some respects.

Still observing other types of people never fails to interest me.  Ever since I was very young I always wondered why people behave in certain ways.  Such as why would there always be that one child who wanted to show off at any given moment or would command the entire attention from the room?

Then there was a child like me that used to be a bit shy and liked attention yet at the same time never wanted the full gaze of attention solely on me.

I think that is what drew me closely to photography, as I liked that I could be in the middle of things but still at a slight distance.

Some things never seem to change.

Monday, 1 November 2010


This is my 30th posting and this feels like somewhat of a mini milestone for me...well where blogging is concerned.  I have previously had a habit of starting blogs but not sticking to them.  Something about commitment issues I feel.  I have found that after a while there comes a point where I run out of things to say or want to say.

I am opinionated, I can rant and rave until the cows come home but then there is also the moment of feeling things such as do people really give a toss what I think? Do I even care what I think? Am I making sense?

Well, the jury is out a little on that one but whilst they are having a quick fag outside I would like to remember a few things since transitioning.

These things being funny things that I have experienced since I have started my journey.

So far in my year of being Leng I have discovered a few things.

-If I buy tampons shop assistants like to offer to help me.
-At parties with straight women I have been told as to what the joys of sex with older women are, how enlightening the experience can be and as a "young man" I should understand "The Vagina is a Complicated Thing"...try being a man with a c*nt sista and we'll trade notes.
-No matter how masculine I look the man in the frame shop will always see me as a 'lovely young lady'.
-If in certain places with E they think I am a lesbian or a gay man that thinks I'm a lesbian.

I still use my legal name for admin although now I have a magazine subscription and a rail card in the name of Mr Leng Montgomery

I never thought having a railcard would make me feel so complete but I realised it's not the 1/3 off that excites me (well maybe my bank balance a little more) but it's something I see as having my proper name on.

Being a Monty makes a man want things in order and to feel proper and not an imposter.  This feeling is starting to creep in more and more and I just see it as a sign that we have to move onto phase 2.  Phase 2 will enable me to legally become who I really am.

I'm ready.  There is no more time for 'she' and no more time for being Cleo. Just writing that name makes me feel that I am writing about a stranger. I don't feel sad about it but it's like one of those relationships where you feel that it's time to move on.  A bit like having a photo of an ex on the wall and stuff like that, it's time to start afresh, enjoy the memories but at the same time remember that there is a new life ahead of me and I don't want to feel that I am aligned to the past.

In the meantime now is the time forge ahead.  Things have to change work-wise, we have a lot to do and we have to get it up (in all senses) and I have many things swirling in my head in an endless mirage. Again what's new there?

Life is an ongoing adventure and mystery but I am curious as to what fate has in store for me next.  I sense something is going to radically shift, I don't know what and be it for good or bad but I am prepared and have a spare pair of clean pants just in case.