Monday, 29 November 2010

Who Am I?

I have discovered that every so often I get confused.  Really confused as to what it is I am doing with life and who it is I actually am. The more I step away from who I was and having a female identity I feel as if I am ice skating.  That moment when you start skating away from the edge but you know you need to stay close in case you fall and also the reluctance to budge from it.

I feel I am in that place right now.

Only I am a bit lost and I feel I haven't got a strong sense as to what is familiar to me once again.

I keep moving from feeling really grumpy, to really upset.  I don't really like these feelings as everything inside feels really mixed up.  I also feel uneasy with the thought of having to be diagnosed with a gender identity disorder before I can proceed with some other aspects of my transition.

I know it's just a formality, and something that has to be done but at the same time it doesn't mean I have to like it.  Or even feel happy with that because right now I'm not.

I feel like a nightmare in some respects in regard to how I feel and feel a lot of negativity inside right now.  To which something I know I can budge and will budge but still don't like feeling it eating me and attacking me a bit too.

Soon though I know I will be ok about it as that is how I generally tend to react to things.  I am least resistant there but at the same time I also like to maintain time and space to balance and process this.  Going to see a psychiatrist in January will be helpful and should be a positive experience but it also weirds me out a bit and I am a bit scared. I hate feeling that I am under a microscope and I am a bit anxious as to what sort of questions I am going to be asked in regard to my gender.

I don't want to be exposed as a fraud or feel that for all this time I have got it all wrong. This is just pure speculation but being in a sense of limbo isn't overly nice. But again one takes a deep breath and learns how to plough through and not to fear the worst.  So far I have had a relatively smooth transition with a lot of positive support and it would be foolish and unrealistic not to remember that.

I don't like admitting when I feel a bit scared, as my pride feels a bit stunted but at the same time there is no point in lying or denying that this is the case either. It's so easy to lie and deny what is happening and once I do that then I really am in trouble. It doesn't work for me.

Still I know that this is situational and it is just a wobble.  I just want it to stop though. I can't bear feeling that I am confused and feel that I have a strange feeling of being between two genders.  It's not an easy feeling.  Yet at the same time I don't want to have to do things in order to what I would regard as 'conforming' to any pressures or doing things that I feel other people want rather than what is best for me right now.

I see gender as a spectrum and all of this binary crap is really tiring sometimes. Especially whe n it comes to what is expected of you just because you choose to identify a certain way. Or you indentify in a way that isn't just a clear cut and easy example of ticking a box.

Some boxes can be useful, but generally I prefer ones that aren't clerical or admin based.

I have made a plan, squash followed by work followed by sticking to tasks shall help me through this.  In between that taking time to cry will most likely follow as well. I find it hard to cry a lot of the time but at other times tears flow easily and now is one of them.

I plan on gym too but also I like squash too as its more sociable and right now I think I need a bit more people quotient even if it is just for an hour.  Working alone at at home can be a little bit lonely sometimes but at the same time working through lots of stuff all the time will also help to alleviate any feelings of isolation as it's head to the grindstone and to just keep going with everything. That is what works for me for the most part and that is how I shall move on from this.

Still, this rather interesting and eventuful year is early up so soon will be the time to create more goals and a few resolutions that hopefully I shall stick too. Still there is always a plan b and another plan for this or that...

1 comment:

  1. You are much loved for the essentials of who you are, which have changed little as you've been in transition. You have shown immense courage and will grow yet stronger and more comfortable in time and whatever labels the paper processors require now aren't for the real you - just for their convenience.