Monday, 26 December 2011

Christmas...Part Two

I have never experienced such a jaw droppingly astounding abundant year in terms of gifts I have been lucky to receive.

Over the festive season I like to give gifts to a selected group of people whom are special to me and I like to cook. These are the elements of ‘family’ that I enjoy and feel comfortable with.

I didn’t grow up in a big family and my Mum and I have mostly been the two of us. This year has been odd in the absence of A. Although I see him, he is still a part of my life – things aren’t what they were. I spent a big chunk of 2011 feeling really sad about that but now I have started to accept things as they are.

He will always be a family member to me and no matter what; I will always consider him to be my father, even though we aren’t biologically tied to one another.

His gifts he left for me were very thoughtful and one thing was an iPad which I have wanted for ages, as I don’t always like carrying my laptop around and sometimes I mostly do things that are on social networking sites and basic emailing.

I thought it would also be nice to use when I travel as well.

Which brings me to my next amazing gift…never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up having an iPad from my Dad and then my girlfriend giving me a trip to Japan. 

I am still speechless.  I keep thinking I am in some sort of dream only I have showered in that time and dosed up on lemsip as I have a super stinky cold which isn’t ideal but will do my best to shift it as I have had it for over 4 days now and it’s getting boring and more and more congested.

I do feel like a little child again, such as wondering how I am going to be able to sleep with the excitement I am currently experiencing but I know I will.  It’s also going to be amazing to spend New Year in another place.

Last year we were enchanted by what New York had to offer, but Tokyo will be unforgettable. Since I was about 10 I always wanted to go to Japan. I was intrigued by the people, culture, food, rituals, technology, landscape…you name it I found myself intrigued by it.

I am so excited thinking about what I will see and what I will do. Traveling is something intrinsic to what I like to do.  I would rather stay in for a month and save to go to another city rather than just go out for the sake of going out.  I do make an effort to catch up with my friends but have found that there are times and places in which everyone can see one another without it being expensive.

Still aside Japan and a little weekend trip planned for my anniversary in early February I am unsure as to where my feet shall go in 2012.  There are lots of things to do domestically so it will be far from a dull year.  I am also looking forward to just seeing what happens without knowing what exactly it is.

Have started thinking about my resolutions and will start putting my goals into motion over the next couple of week as I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by!

Few more days and then it’s 2012.

I feel like it was only a couple of months ago I was in last Christmas.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Christmas...Part One

In the run up to Christmas I have never felt so exhausted as I have done these past few days. Logistics wise I have been splitting my time between North and South London, feeding a cat, trying to get on with some of my work as well as make dinners, wrap presents make sure laundry is done and so on and so on…

I feel exhausted thinking about the start of the week.  But I am now at a point in which I am almost done.  Only have to do Borough Market and I am free to make a cake, some cranberry sauce and the gravy for tomorrow.  Other bits of prep are straightforward, especially as I have made a list and find it helps me focus and zone out when in a crowded situation.

So far, so good on that front.

My Mum arrives in the afternoon and I am going to have some time to myself beforehand as the Greeks are going to be out.  The Greeks consisting of E, her Mum and Dad.

It has been nice having them over, as they are relaxed and easy to be around. They have had a couple of entertaining moments but apart from that there isn’t anything that has been of stress or left me feeling exasperated.

E hasn’t had a Christmas with them in years so it’s been really nice for her to have some time with them.  Also it’s been nice to do some stuff with them but also take a bit of time out for myself. Especially as right now I am becoming slightly withdrawn and more thoughtful about a few matters.

I am always thinking about what is going to happen next in my life. 2012 I have a few more things due to happen transition wise.

On January 26th when I have my next Charing Cross appointment, which also coincides with it, being exactly 6 months on testosterone for me. When there I will look into what my surgery can take place if I choose the NHS route otherwise I will look into a private option in France.

I’m also going to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) as I will fit criteria by then. I want this so I can have a new birth certificate but also so I can marry one day.

Although I don’t have any proposals planned for E as of yet I would like it that if and when the day comes there is the freedom to be able to do so, without there being an irritating piece of admin to go through in order to achieve this.

It’s also the final side of my social transition, which I want to complete.

Then all that is left is the continuum of the physical side of my transition. I am curious and excited as to how things will be this time next year. I want things to be different and to feel closer to Monty than waiting in the shell of my old body.

The T is definitely helping some of this.

My personality is definitely starting to change, as are some of my thoughts, attitudes and tastes for things.

On the whole I have started to realize what makes me happy and how to remain happy.

This might sound a bit simplistic but without trying to sound sorry for myself  (as I don’t) I have had clinical depression since I was a teenager. For me it has become really important to work out what works in terms of keeping me positive and not feeling rubbish about life.

It has taught me not to be scared though and to confront things even if I haven’t felt strong enough to do so. Even if something hurts I try and stick it out as best I can, but that’s just my way of handling things.

I feel twice as bad if I feel I have failed.

I am far from being perfect and don’t consider myself to be perfect but I try to improve or be better wherever I can. Otherwise the default setting I have will kick in and then that won’t solve anything or improve. 

I’m also starting to become aware of my age right now. 28 may sound young but I have a lot I want to do before I am 30.  Knowing I am not such a baby anymore has given me a few things to think about in terms of aspirations of life, friends, relationships…you name it I’ve thought of it. Still some of this is part of the mystery and adventure of life. 

Only I don’t want to live with too many disruptions.

Since I moved house in May I haven’t felt like I have fully come ‘home’ yet. The place where I live now has many good points about it but it just doesn’t feel like home to me.

There have been a few really unfortunate incidents and things happen there since I moved in which have galvanized to me that this place isn’t my home and doesn’t feel like it will be.

It’s a place I live rather than a place I feel is home.

In many ways whilst experiencing some feelings of being in flux and my family life shifting too over the course of the year everything has felt displaced in some respects.

But there have been some things, which have affirmed a few things inside of me. Now it’s about finding the right time and moments in which to make movements and actions.

I am in no great hurry or feel a great sense of resentment – its more of a philosophical approach of this isn’t for me and there are more things indicating that this might not be the best situation for myself.

Still I will concentrate on that nearer the time and start refocusing my energy on goals I have ahead of me in 2012.

Oh and start some of my Christmas meal prep in the form of making some stock, cranberry sauce and baking a cake.

Whilst shamelessly basking in silence of the house I am staying in.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Spanish Eyes

I find myself starting this blog post in bohemian Barcelona. Not because I am taking the spirit of viajante (the traveller) but because I am here for work.  So far it has been a fruitful trip.  I have felt reconnected to a project I have been working on as well as refocusing my mind and head onto some other things.  I must say that being out of London and away from some comforts and familiarity has been really nice.

Of course I miss certain people.  I miss being snuggled up with E, but I am also loving being in a massive bed in a place that isn’t my home and being able to have a bit of ‘me’ time.

I had a lovely shower on my first night, I had injured my foot and my Mum helped me dress it as I stood on a plug in my room and it has left me with a small wound that bled. It was nice being ‘Mothered’ and I also gave her a foot massage as her feet were hurting her so it was mutual care.

I ate some nice food and was in really lovely company tonight whereby everything seemed to blend away from what seemed familiar.

This was done in a way that I really enjoyed.

Just as now I am loving that I have some time to write and can be sat in silence without having anyone else even in the same vicinity as me.  Sometimes this is something I adore and actually crave.

A good friend of mine, C is a writer and I can see why she chooses to go to the British Library to do her work where she can set up camp in a secluded corner and work in absolute solitude.

The more I think about things I want to write (particularly with my slightly scrambled dyslexic brain) the more being in solitude makes perfect sense.

Being away from everything is also offering me some clarity right now. There are some changes for 2012 that I will make happen as I can no longer continue feeling unhappy with one or two situations. 

I refuse to feel unhappy or have a heart filled with sorrow though.  In fact I feel unresisting and quite open hearted to what I want to make happen. This to me is what being positive is about.  Rather than whinge, bitch and complain I would rather find solutions to what it is that is causing some element of tension on certain levels.

I say this because moaning and not doing anything about something isn’t a productive way to deal with a situation. I don’t want to be one of life’s whingers. I would rather just accept that sometimes something can be frustrating but that comes after trying everything that could be tried to make a situation better or tolerable.

I am turning 28 soon and that means I am 2 years away from being 30. For some reason I feel this pressing urgency to have all my shit in order by that time.

I want to have had my GRC, chest surgery and possibly a marriage or the hope of some form of marriage by then (age 30).

These are things that are important to me. 

In regards to marriage if I don’t see it being a viable option then I would abandon some aspects of hope in that regard, or at least try and think of being with a partner that would consider that.

Like some people have a biological clock going off I seem to have a matrimonial clock going off.

I would also like to have a relationship that goes past two years.

In February I would have been with E for 2 years so this is a positive. Although there have been times where things have been difficult and sometimes I have had doubts one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that there is love between us.

As long as I feel active love that this something that will always keep me in a relationship.  Sounds simplistic but at the same time it was a nice thing to realize. As well as being a positive for someone, like myself that tries to dodge relationships a lot of the time.

I have always had a weird relationship with intimacy – I want it yet it scares me.  Especially if it means I might risk getting hurt.  But at the same time it’s a bit bonkers to crave heavy intimacy and emotional attachment yet at the same time want to run from it yet still fantasize about feeling very romantically bonded to someone and to be married to another person.

Especially given how I grew up.

My Mother was single for most of my childhood and was never drilling into me that I should be in a relationship or grow up get married and have babies.  In fact in many ways she was quite the opposite. 

One principle I will always respect and that is only be with someone in a relationship because you want to be with them and not out of a sense of ‘obligation’ or a feeling of ‘settling’ for someone.

I am glad that these principles have remained with me, only I think on occasions I have taken being single a step too far.  Then that is part of the joy as well as pain of being young – we all have to make mistakes and sometimes learn things the hard way.

Day 2 of being here has been very busy.  Managed to clear a lot of stuff in a giant work meeting, and we had a nice break to a market where we ate and Mum and I walked around a lot and I bought jamon, chorizo and manchego. It was on of the highlights of my day.

Saw some really, really cool fashions too but resisted temptation to buy anything even though I wanted to. A recent purchase of mine went walkabout so am a bit reluctant to shop for myself right now.  Also am feeling a bit on the porky side so want to feel slim and trim again before I spend large amounts of money on clothing.

There is a bit of dysmorphia in place body wise right now so I spent a lot of today trying not to eat much and I will be using the hotel gym shortly so that I can at least psychologically tell myself that I have burned some calories. It’s also nice to make the most of facilities on offer.

Like a lot of people though, this month will cause a little bit of anxiety when it comes to fear of putting weight on. I did used to be a lot bigger and T has made me feel broader but also wider.

I have nightmares sometimes that I have turned into a giant ball that rolls across the road. Or that I have turned into a big guy in the slobby sense. It is a bit irrational and perhaps slightly neurotic but it’s the truth as to how I feel sometimes.

The fact is I know I am not the only person who feels like this nor will be as everyone has their own little isms – the difference is whether or not they care to honestly admit them or not. That is their choice.

I know something else too and that is the testosterone is changing me every single day. Even my thoughts and sensitivities have started changing. Depending on where I am in my cycle I have days whereby I feel grotty, sometimes really crappy and on other occasions I feel low.

But then the flipside is that I feel more and more that I am growing in confidence and growing into more of the person that I actually am.  One thing that I feel more than anything is a new set of growing pains in every sense possible.

Physically I have a little party going on, although I wish the spots on my back would disappear and I can feel parts of me shaping into something else. I smell different and I sometimes don’t recognize certain manifestations taking place.  But I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Now I feel I am living the honest life I have wanted to for years. For every person that says something negative, thinks of me as a freak or just doesn’t understand, well here’s the main thing – I don’t give a f*ck anymore.

I am not prepared to make people feel better about their own hang-ups anymore. We don’t have to be the best of friends or even friends at all but I don’t see why I should feel obliged to take people’s rude attitudes on board because there are certain things they can’t understand or feel comfortable about.

If people are unsure about things then they should ask more in a polite way or go and read…if people want to know more about something that typically is something that people do is it not?

I may sound a bit like I am climbing on a high horse or using some self elevated notion of privilege or some crap like that but I am not.

This year I have made a lot of big strides within my transition and finally I am reaching a place where I am starting to feel comfortable and happy with myself. If people can’t handle that be it friends, ex-friends or acquaintances then I have no time for this.

My place in life isn’t to be the person who is full of misery and pain. I have felt that way in stages and I don’t want that to be a place that I occupy. I try and live as happy a life as possible and contrary to what some may think of me I try and be as positive as I can.

But I did realize recently is what I don’t need is to be in an underdog position. Or a spot where people can feel superior by feeling that I am their nominated person in which they can feel charitable and virtuous towards because they helped me turn a corner or some pompous crap like that.

For the good friends I do have I am appreciative of support I have received though but I like to feel that I am connected to people in the good times as well as when things get a bit difficult.

It’s a tricky and fine balance but slowly I am heading there and for that I am really pleased about.

For every difficult day or stage I get within my transition there is also a massive sigh of relief that I am no longer living a life that was false.

Like all things in life it isn’t always pleasant or plain sailing but I think to live a life true to one’s heart is better than living in the shadows.

It might not make me Mr Popular but at least I know I live not feeling bogged down with guilt.

Anyhow I should really stop my mini procrastinating and go to the gym and then conclude my time here in Barcelona – which is basically more drinking eating and talking about ways to launch my work project off the ground!

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

December is upon us

So far I haven’t freaked out or had a heart attack and we are 4 days into December. I feel a bit off but not as bad as I usually do. 

For a few personal reasons this time of year brings up strange feelings inside of me, but with age I am realizing that I have healed from certain events of the past and feel more and more that this was all part of a different life and time and place.

I suppose being another person then and another gender does help with some of the issues surrounding closure, the things that happened were things that happened to Cleo and not to Leng if that makes sense?

Even writing my old name makes me feel that I am writing about a stranger.  In many ways this is the case. I have zero association with that time other than it just being a name.  I don’t remember much about being that person.

Partly because now I see myself in an almost infantile state coupled with the process of being in a second puberty. I knew some of those feelings were starting to bubble inside of me when I saw something a bit unbalanced happening and I couldn’t help thinking how ‘unfair’ it was and felt a bit put out – in the same way a teenage boy would stereotypically react to a situation.

That coupled with a spot on my back made me realize that the pubescent state was well and truly happening now. I started to look for ways in which to try and move on from feeling bereft and being a seething ball of tension.

I know that I am also surging a tiny bit right now. But this surge I have right now doesn’t feel as fired up as I have felt with other ones, I feel slightly lethargic and I don’t feel I have unstoppable energy.  But I feel there is a slight charge in my system.

It does help that some of the effects of the hormones are starting to feel a bit more familiar to me. But as I discovered last weekend, a couple of days after getting a jab I feel a bit sensitive.

This time around I felt a bit lost, and didn’t know what I was doing with myself.  There was a feeling that something was missing whilst I went into a floaty state.  I also think the fact that last weekend I wasn’t feeling very well physically didn’t help matters either. As I am not often unwell and do make a terrible patient. 

I hate feeling low on energy or feeling weak and groggy. I like to be able to do whatever I want and feel I have the energy to do so and not to feel battered from something.

Still it’s gone now and although I haven’t got all of my energy back it’s good I am not feeling as rough as I was then.

My body has slipped into semi hibernation mode right now, especially as it’s getting colder and there is less daylight to be had.  My body too is in puberty, which does leave big cravings for sleep. I want to sleep a lot more than I used to and I have to have something with caffeine in more than before.

I know it isn’t really age playing into this as in January I turn 28 and not 98!

There is also a part of me that is settling a little from within the inside. Since 2009 there has been a part of me that hasn’t been at rest. I can’t put my finger directly on what it is but I know that there is something if that makes sense?

The more I live as the person I am now the more comfortable I have become. Some of my fireyness that I was experiencing a while ago has started to quieten down a bit as well.

This is pleasing me as I am finding that I feel less wound up over many things and either accept something for what it is or I find a solution and don’t feel as attached to something as I used to.

I used to be very sensitive about a number of things and although there are things I feel passionate about I am starting to feel slightly less affected by things that other people do around me.

I am enjoying this energy for now all the same.

In terms of thinking of this month ahead there are a few exciting developments in the offing.  Next week I will be in Barcelona to sort through some stuff for my job, then I will return to doing some cat sitting.  The week after E’s parensta are arriving from Greece, I have a special night coming up on the 21st and then that week I will finish off all my preparations for the festive period.

So far so good on that front.

I am still deciding on what to have for Xmas day but luckily where I am staying it’s close to borough market and I think once I decide what I will make then that will make the whole sourcing ingredients job a bit easier.

Also I want to investigate the best ways of doing things that will minimize my exposure to those hideous crowds and the fact that if everything is left to the last minute then people act like they are stocking up for a famine.  I don’t get why people have to start buying 4 or 6 of everything when they only have two extra guests and the way to think of xmas dinner is like a giant roast.

So in that case do you need three courses on the big day? If so reduce what you have on the other bits of the meal. Alternatively if it’s a dinnery dinner then make a poncy breakfast/brunch instead!

Well those are my thoughts on the matter anyway. 

I’m sure there will be some disagreements. But all the same I am excited about cooking and although we are staying in someone elses house the fact that E and I both have our parents around will make this feel like it’s the first xmas dinner that I have made rather than cooking dinner in a parents house.

Not that it matters but at the same time it does feel suddenly extra grown up in an odd way.

It will also be nice for E to have time with her family as well.  We have some nice things planned for when they are around so there are lots of things to look forward to.

I have completed all of my Christmas shopping…mostly done online! I cannot stand shops at this time of year especially over the weekends – it gets scary.  I still have to buy some cards and giftwrap and I have definitely been dragging my heels a bit about when I shall commence this but I need to buy one card soon as I have to send that to the USA.  Everything else shall be delivered by hand though as that is how little I send Christmas cards.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Miss Leng Leng

My last post was very praising and rather gushing about my Doctors surgery. For the most part I like them, but this last week has tested my humor and red-tape boundaries somewhat.

I discovered on going there last Wednesday to collect my prescription that I am no longer Mr Leng Montgomery but Miss Leng Leng!

After laughing to myself at the sheer comedy of the name. As well as thinking to myself that one should never allow the NHS to assist in the naming of transgendered patients as these are the sort of comedy names that might occur.

The name of Miss Leng Leng sounds so funny you couldn't have written it so seamlessly into a comedy sketch. Right now I should start writing about the adventures of Miss Leng Leng based on the surgery cock-ups alone...

"Instead of Living in role, Miss Leng Leng lived in Rome for a year, twizzling her hair, putting on eyeliner and drinking so much Prosecco that ping-pong balls would be fired close to the Vatican, giving the Pope a black eye just in time for World Aids Day.

All of this was needed, especially as within this time frame she needed firm and conclusive evidence for the gender clinic in London that living as Miss Leng Leng was in fact the right choice and something she was sure about"

This would be one snippet based on thoughts I just randomly pulled out of the jumble and rabble of my mind.

As I write this I have serious cabin fever creeping in.  I have spent almost all weekend in my room and in the house as I haven't been at my most energized or in the best of health. Still had my third shot of testosterone on Saturday and am letting that settle and today had a few things that were planned and intended to do but for whatever reasons they didn't materialize and now I feel rubbish about it.

I wish I could make hide nor hair as to why I feel so gutted but I do.  I am sure it will pass.  I think since I had my shot I have become a bit sensitive, coupled with the fact that I haven't done half of what I would usually do at a weekend or what was planned and have been in the house or the area for the past 3 days.

Still next weekend will be different.  I will make sure I see people I haven't seen in a while and do the things I really want to, rather than feeling disappointed.

That is something I hate about being ill when you literally have no energy or just need to be resting it gets really boring. I find doing the same things painfully dull too - so within that context there is only so much watching a film or TV show via a laptop before you start losing the will to live.

(Perhaps I speak for myself on that one as I am not the biggest telly watcher on the planet)

Not all weekends will be like this. I also need to spend this week getting a load of things into order.  Especially with Xmas coming, last minute shopping needs to be done and I will need to put a few other things into action. Especially now that there are other people being put into the mix.

Also new goals, targets and pressures are about to start. It's soon going to be sink-or-swim time which I am prepared for, yet dreading in some places.

Still will cross that bridge when I come to it. 

If in doubt Miss Leng Leng will save the day.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


I have had a really interesting and exciting week since I last blogged.  I went to Iceland over the weekend and had a truly exhilarating time. There is no place like this that I have ever been to.

At times it was like being on the moon, or even another planet. Especially with a few sulphuric wafts that came our way from time to time. I also faced a fear and that is male locker room and showers.

One of Iceland’s top attractions is The Blue Lagoon and it is a must-see place. I did become anxious before going there because I did have a binder vest prepared but the thought of being in a changing room whereby you have to shower and where the men that were there were all topless did fill me with dread.

But on arriving at the Lagoon, you could hire bathrobes, so that was what I did.  Now I had my protector jacket I did skulk a bit in the changing room, changing in a toilet but did discover that there were some cubicles too as well, as with the showers there were some that were in cubicles.

I did at one point get a few odd looks for being in a vest but luckily a very tall man with a massive cock walked past me, and all attention went to that. It was massive (even though I haven’t seen that many close up) and I knew it wasn’t just me, as all the other men kept looking which for the most part men don’t do in these spaces, unless it’s a gay sauna I suppose.

So far from my experience in male spaces men hardly look at one another. If in the toilets they rarely make eye contact unless it’s a gay thing and then there seems to be a whole new different set of rules!

I was happy to face my fear, as I am determined that by this time next year I won’t have breasts any longer.  I can’t live with them anymore. As I have said numerous times, they are alien on me and don’t belong there.

I am happy with other aspects of my body (bar feeling a bit fat right now) but the breasts will be gone.  I have found a way to save for that surgery and I will be commencing that in 2012 as I had other things this year to pay off.

I am satisfied that I could do it myself and that whatever targets I set myself I have achieved.

There are some new goals that I am plotting out for next year and will see how fast I can get them done.

Amongst this and other feelings of late I am starting to feel a bit more positive in my outlook on life, which I am really relieved and happy about.

Yesterday I dealt with a bit of a prescription cock-up but learned that it’s best to not put trust in a third party when it comes to having medications sorted out or in my case my testosterone! Still I shall be collecting it today and will have it in my possession for Saturday which will be my third injection. 

I must commend the helpfulness of the people at my doctors surgery for being really quick and helpful. It’s so easy to moan about things but I think it’s important to give praise where it’s due as well.

I am excited as to what this next cycle will bring me, changes wise as there is definitely something starting with the T that is churning around in my system. I’m feeling more and more male that I am the person I have felt myself to be.

All that is left now is for this to continue, I want my voice to break and more facial hair to grow and my breasts to be gone.

In January after my legal birthday I shall start doing my application for my GRC. That way all my legal side of things will be concluded. I’m also planning on starting an intense training regime that will be complimentary to having surgery later on in the year and will help me sculpt some of my chest pre-surgery.

Things in me are starting to settle yet I know I have more hormonal waves to ride. Yet life will always be something subject to a series of changes.

If anything we all are in a state of transition in one way, shape or form. Someone could have a new job, a baby, new house or just learning something new and altering their old life.

We only get one life, so I don’t see the point in living it whereby one is miserable or not doing what they actually want to do (within reason). I also feel a sense of relief that I have done things that are true to my heart and who I am rather than feel trapped in a life that isn’t my own.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Hurry Up and Wait...

I am awash with excitement right now. After a weekend of a lot of chilling I have found a few discoveries which can help for phase three of my transition.

Also I can't help but be amused at the irony of some of this.

Potentially I may have found a surgeon in France to do my chest surgery that is very affordable and I have seen photographs of his work and the chests I have looked at so far look great. It also helps that I know one of the people so can verify that the work isn't just any old photo that has been cut and pasted up on the internet.

The amusement comes in the form that the place is near Toulouse - which I can't think if a better place to go to literally lose my breasts.

In some of my grim days I have joked about wanting to put my breasts in a guillotine to remove them, so if I end up in France for surgery I suppose that wouldn't be too far from the truth.

Cost wise it also looks like I would be able to afford to do this next year which is a great step forward.  My only stipulation for my surgery is finding a convinient time but also having it done before I am 30. I am turning 28 soon and also have been binding for over 2 years now so am reaching the stage where I have had enough.

It's also not good for my body to be compressed as much as it is.

I am a strong chap but still all these layers and the female torso doesn't belong there. Knowing that potentially I have an option to change this pleases me greatly. That combined with the fact that I might also be able to have surgery on the NHS. I have a second appointment with Charing Cross in January so will start some of the discussions then and evaluate what my options are.

This is exciting stuff and I am pleased that things are progressing on that front.

As this year draws to a halt, it also means that the start of 2012 means that other doors will be opened to me.  I can do my Gender Reassignment Certificate application because I was told I would fit the criteria for that by then and so I shall.

I would like a new birth certificate and if I do marry one day then I know I can do so in the way I want to, but would rather have any documentation like that done so that there won't be a feeling that there is anything blocking my access to do so and therefore to remove any potential stress or pressure from what is already a life-changing thing.

Still that won't be something happening for a long time.

I hope I do one day as that has been my dream since I was very small, but like all things sometimes certain desires can change too.

For example since spending more time with The Boychild, I have re-evaluated my thoughts about having a child of my own. I really don't know if I could or would want that.

I love having him but I do like handing him back too. 

Since I have been born the thought of being pregnant has made me feel physically ill. It's just never been something up for negotiation. But now I am not sure if I could handle being a parent 24/7.  I really admire people who do and I have an extra appreciation for single parents.

I was brought up by a single Mum and she did for the first years of my life really have to sacrifice everything. There wasn't a merry band of happy elves who would give her time to herself.  In fact quite the opposite.  Being in 1980s Thatcherite Britain wasn't nice if you were unmarried and on your own.

My Mother has never acted in a 'woe is me' kind of way in regard to being a single parent.  On telling my biological father that she was pregnant with me he announced that he was leaving to go to America. She never saw him again after the day came that he handed her half a packet of cigarettes and twenty quid.

So she would never say he left her with nothing.

He didn't want to be a Father and she wanted to be a Mother and she just got on with it as best she could.  It also helped that my Mum has always had a slightly off the wall way of living.  She is a bit of a hedonist and does live for the moment and will always say and believe that everything would be fine.

I do admire that in her.

I don't have that way of letting go.  I have to plan and think of everything ahead of me otherwise I end up feeling riddled with anxiety. But then these are our differences.

I have had some elements of experience of some form of Fatherly figure, but not until I was in my early twenties when she met A.

I still see A, and I do miss them being together but for various reasons they are not and I accept that.

Not all relationships work out and that is life.

It was nice feeling for a while that we were part of a family pod. Whenever Christmas was coming I would feel excited and this year I am getting excited but it feels odd.  I miss going away to the snow most years and making a feast and watching a James Bond film.

It is those simple traditions.  Although there were underlying tensions appearing last year it was one of the best Chritmasses ever and the worst for what happened after.  Never the less shit hapens but there are many wonderful memories that are cool and I will hang on to that.

He is the only person I have ever wanted to call Dad and will always regard him in that way. Things are now just a bit odd now he and my Mum are no longer together. 

2010 for me was a really eye opening year and brought me lots of love and energy to push things on transition wise.

2011 has been a very interesting year but am glad to see the back of it.

2012 I seem to have plans happening before it's even started so will be interested to see what is happening and where I am at this time next year.

Friday, 11 November 2011


Sometimes there is a song that illustrates how one can feel where the lyrics really talk to you.  In this case The Killers have spoken to me right now.

For Reasons Unknown

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognise you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

If one song could symbolise how I feel about my transition and body then this song would be it.  Only there were no unknown reasons but just needing to have the guts to be the person that I actually am.

I don't consider myself brave for transitioning.  I just see it as a case of being honest. If being true to one's self is considered to be a truly brave act then I despair slightly.  I also wonder what does that say about society if in effect we are living lives based around expectations of a peer group or if we will be controlled by other people's crap?

The part of the body that needs a purity about it is the heart.  Once self-acceptance starts and honesty with one's self can there be the potential for someone to love the person they are. This may sound a bit hippy-dippy and when I started writing this post it was the middle of the night.

My point is, without honesty we can never love in the purest sense of the word. This is why we tend to love babies and small people instantly as they are untainted by other people's crap.  Nor have they become worn down by the lack of humanity that sometimes crosses our paths.

For those who can't fathom this concept then I suggest you step out of whatever bubble you have been inhabiting.

Right now I know that things aren't as rosy as they could be.  Winter is setting in and there are things that need doing. It is a feeling of pressure that is starting to build up on me but also I am under personal pressure myself.

Once my To-Do list is completed or mini goals I set myself are finished then I know I will feel happy. It's just a case of getting it done

In terms of my transition I have a few things I really need to work on. I look up to people like Buck Angel and feel so inspired and in awe that people like him have progressed. They have had their top surgery, they look after their bodies and have a wonderful attitude.

A lot of people like to bash Buck but if it wasn't for him, he was one of the first people to provide visibility for people like me.  When I say 'like me' I am meaning people that are comfortable to be men that have vaginas and don't feel adverse to it being there.

I don't expect people to understand easily but at the same time it does help if people try and keep an open mind. I have started to feel slightly worn down by binary attitudes. It was pointed out to me that living as I do provides me with an opportunity to challenge people's views.

I get that.  But at the same time I sometimes feel exhausted at having to explain things to people so that they feel more comfortable. That is why there are spaces that I don't want to go near anymore as I don't want to make myself a target or be in a position whereby people feel offended.

Some of the issue in this is how people deal with what they perceive as Otherness.

This is something that doesn't just relate to gender but many other things too. Why is it that people have such a sheep mentality sometimes and if confronted by something that is a bit different why all the hostility?

Luckily I do know quite a few people who don't behave like that and if something is a bit different they might ask questions so that they build a better understanding and they have a genuine curiosity about something they aren't familiar with.

I see this mentality as far more positive and progressive and will unite people rather than segregate them.

To separate is sometimes done for protection and I understand that need, but at the same time could it not be argued that living in permanent separation means that a sense of equality will be harder to reach?

I'm saying some of this because I do have a slight debate happening in my mind right now and that is what spaces can I enter which means I still feel and support being queer?

Just because I have a relationship with a woman doesn't make me a straight man.  Even though I look male, ID as male and legally am now male. I get that I would be easily perceived as 'hetro'. When in reality I am far from that.

I am proud to be queer and feel that since I have transitioned I have embraced a queer side that is encapsulating and is comfortable to me. I feel it provides me with a lack of borders that enables me to explore and embrace the sides of my personality more flexibly than if I was gay or straight.

It allows room for otherness.

The only things that block this is how aware people are about the concept of otherness and queer when not in a place that is a cosmopolitan utopia. Say what we like about big cities but there will be a place for people to go without feeling completely isolated.

The world is never going to be a great big caring, sharing or accepting type of place, but things can always get better.

London for all is faults may have some bad sides to it but at least I can live my life with the right levels of support that I need.  It is easier to obtain access to things here than it would be in other parts of the country and even the world.

I never forget or lose sight of that because in many ways it's always easier to focus on what we haven't got rather than looking at what we do have.

Fundamentally one thing I am fast learning as I transition is how to be comfortable and accepting not just with the rest of society but with myself. The fact is is you are a bit alternative to the mainstream then sometimes there will be the odd tension.

Still I would rather have this tension and know that I am in a position whereby I am loved and supported and have allies at hand if need be rather than feeling isolated and stuck somewhere. That would be my idea of hell.

I recently started to feel a stage where I was mourning for some of my old life. Or a part of me that fitted in.  Even though internally I never fitted, but externally and gender wise I was enabled to be accepted and carried by a community because I hadn't come to terms with who I actually was.

For a long time I was comfortable with being a lesbian, I liked having sex with women, I liked having a girlfriend and I liked that our relationship wasn't hetero. At the same time I knew there was something that was missing.  I felt odd.

I knew I was a boy that was attracted to lesbians and wanted to look like a gay man.

I did think that was a bit odd but never repressed it.  The older I got the more I knew that these feelings weren't going away. I didn't want them to go away either. I knew that organically if things were to change or if I was to make any decisions that the right time and situation(s) would come about and so far this has worked out well.

I now apply this to all other areas of life too and not just with my transition.

Monday, 7 November 2011


I haven’t started listening to Ke$ha continually, so please don’t get worried about the title of this post.

But right now I feel I am stuck in the void somewhere living yet not living if that makes sense. But there is a lot happening in my mind right now.

Sometimes I wake up at night and feel that I have a bag of rocks sitting on my chest. But then this is how this year has been for the most part.  As soon as one piece of crap ends there is usually something else.

This whole process is starting to make me numb. I also feel that the T is making me a bit more numb in some places. I’m finding myself feeling less emotionally attached to certain situations which in some ways is liberating (as I was a bit over sensitive before) but creates another feeling of being slightly set apart from other situations and people in some respects.

I see a counsellor every two weeks and I am really relieved that I do so, particularly as this as provided me with a safe outlet in order to discuss certain feelings and situations that I leave outside of this blog.

It’s a relief knowing that I can go somewhere and say what I like without the fear or having to consider how someone else feels in regard to what I might say. I try and be considerate to others where I can as I don’t like conflict and I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.

Yet I hate feeling pressured in situations whereby I feel that I have to edit myself.  No-one makes me feel this way but it’s how I end up feeling.

But right now I am slightly frustrated. My life has become subject to a series of waiting.  2011 has been spent in chunks of waiting for various situations to end or be patient and wait for things to get better.

It is just bad coincidences but this has started to exhaust me. It’s put me in a position whereby I feel I have to be ready to fight or be prepared for some other battle.

I am not seeking to blame any avenue either but it is just the way things have gone.

Despite some of this negativity there are some positives to note as well. 

My periods appear to have stopped.  I should have bled almost 3 weeks ago but still nothing.  I am relieved about this but at the same time it feels odd.  I feel there is some progress in stepping away from the old person I was.

It is a slightly surreal feeling too, when you get used to a body operating in a certain way for 27 years and now it’s unrecognisable physically in some places and internally. My bladder operates in a slightly different way now too in the way that my pee has changed to which I will be seeing the doctor about.

None of this freaks me out though, but I am starting to try and adjust to having a new body.

I am definitely stepping further away from my old life and in some ways I feel that I am now experiencing other things relating to that.

Some connections I have had with people feel a lot different.  I feel further from the women’s community – not just for obvious reasons but in some ways I think it is boiling down to politics.

Yet within those politics is a grey area.  I don’t identify as a straight man nor will I ever be a straight man.  But I have a girlfriend and I used to have a lot of lesbian friends.

Now some of the friends I would say have turned more into acquaintances.  Partly down to life but some of this feeling is definitely down to the fact that I now identify as male. 

Some people I know don’t have men in their lives or very close in their social circles.  That is absolutely fine as that is what people are comfortable with.

It has also been a good lesson for me to start learning now as well.

Not everyone understands nor is comfortable with having a male friend or even a transgendered male friend.

Doesn’t make someone prejudiced as such but people will always have preferences.

There are certain personality types that I am more drawn towards.  I like people that are no bullshit, bold and passionate about who they are and aren’t easily swayed by a majority.

I’m never going to fit in complacently to the rest of society. Even at school I was never the kid who could just do like everyone else did.  Not for the sake of rebellion but because I was nothing like everyone else.

Same happened at uni.  I didn’t intentionally set out to be subversive for the sake of it, but it’s just the way things went.

I feel sometimes I live too honest a life at times and that is why I will have a lot of occasions in life whereby I will feel lonely or perhaps be invited to things when people have been primed.

But this isn’t always the case I hasten to add.

There are a few people who really understand me and care about me so that offers me some sense of hope.

I just feel drained right now so have a less positive outlook on life.

I need to make more changes soon and certain things I have accepted but there are a few things that I am not sure about.  I don’t feel that I have a clear answer on a couple of things and therefore it’s hard to make a decision based on feeling confused.

I need to find comfort soon and a sense of security.  Right now some aspects of that are thin on the ground.

I know what I need to do to function and on that level I am functioning very well.  When it comes to feeling I am living in a successful way then that is up for debate.

I have high standards and I feel I need to have some element of space to really create and actualise something really great without being weighed down by situations or other people’s bullshit.

I will get there as I refuse to feel beaten by feeling weighed down right now.

I now I can be positive and I try my best to do so.  There are a few things that are constants for me right now and fortunately the Boychild is one of them.  Being around him makes me realise that life is worth exploring and that it is valuble to learn something new everyday and to live.

It’s also so touching to see how much love surrounds him and how willing people are to be loving towards him. It reminds me that the whole world isn’t just populated with selfish arseholes.

But to be fair if you meet him your heart literally melts.  Even if he has just produced something in his nappy that should have a biohazard sticker plastered on the back.