So far I haven’t freaked out or had a heart attack and we are 4 days into December. I feel a bit off but not as bad as I usually do.
For a few personal reasons this time of year brings up strange feelings inside of me, but with age I am realizing that I have healed from certain events of the past and feel more and more that this was all part of a different life and time and place.
I suppose being another person then and another gender does help with some of the issues surrounding closure, the things that happened were things that happened to Cleo and not to Leng if that makes sense?
Even writing my old name makes me feel that I am writing about a stranger. In many ways this is the case. I have zero association with that time other than it just being a name. I don’t remember much about being that person.
Partly because now I see myself in an almost infantile state coupled with the process of being in a second puberty. I knew some of those feelings were starting to bubble inside of me when I saw something a bit unbalanced happening and I couldn’t help thinking how ‘unfair’ it was and felt a bit put out – in the same way a teenage boy would stereotypically react to a situation.
That coupled with a spot on my back made me realize that the pubescent state was well and truly happening now. I started to look for ways in which to try and move on from feeling bereft and being a seething ball of tension.
I know that I am also surging a tiny bit right now. But this surge I have right now doesn’t feel as fired up as I have felt with other ones, I feel slightly lethargic and I don’t feel I have unstoppable energy. But I feel there is a slight charge in my system.
It does help that some of the effects of the hormones are starting to feel a bit more familiar to me. But as I discovered last weekend, a couple of days after getting a jab I feel a bit sensitive.
This time around I felt a bit lost, and didn’t know what I was doing with myself. There was a feeling that something was missing whilst I went into a floaty state. I also think the fact that last weekend I wasn’t feeling very well physically didn’t help matters either. As I am not often unwell and do make a terrible patient.
I hate feeling low on energy or feeling weak and groggy. I like to be able to do whatever I want and feel I have the energy to do so and not to feel battered from something.
Still it’s gone now and although I haven’t got all of my energy back it’s good I am not feeling as rough as I was then.
My body has slipped into semi hibernation mode right now, especially as it’s getting colder and there is less daylight to be had. My body too is in puberty, which does leave big cravings for sleep. I want to sleep a lot more than I used to and I have to have something with caffeine in more than before.
I know it isn’t really age playing into this as in January I turn 28 and not 98!
There is also a part of me that is settling a little from within the inside. Since 2009 there has been a part of me that hasn’t been at rest. I can’t put my finger directly on what it is but I know that there is something if that makes sense?
The more I live as the person I am now the more comfortable I have become. Some of my fireyness that I was experiencing a while ago has started to quieten down a bit as well.
This is pleasing me as I am finding that I feel less wound up over many things and either accept something for what it is or I find a solution and don’t feel as attached to something as I used to.
I used to be very sensitive about a number of things and although there are things I feel passionate about I am starting to feel slightly less affected by things that other people do around me.
I am enjoying this energy for now all the same.
In terms of thinking of this month ahead there are a few exciting developments in the offing. Next week I will be in Barcelona to sort through some stuff for my job, then I will return to doing some cat sitting. The week after E’s parensta are arriving from Greece, I have a special night coming up on the 21st and then that week I will finish off all my preparations for the festive period.
So far so good on that front.
I am still deciding on what to have for Xmas day but luckily where I am staying it’s close to borough market and I think once I decide what I will make then that will make the whole sourcing ingredients job a bit easier.
Also I want to investigate the best ways of doing things that will minimize my exposure to those hideous crowds and the fact that if everything is left to the last minute then people act like they are stocking up for a famine. I don’t get why people have to start buying 4 or 6 of everything when they only have two extra guests and the way to think of xmas dinner is like a giant roast.
So in that case do you need three courses on the big day? If so reduce what you have on the other bits of the meal. Alternatively if it’s a dinnery dinner then make a poncy breakfast/brunch instead!
Well those are my thoughts on the matter anyway.
I’m sure there will be some disagreements. But all the same I am excited about cooking and although we are staying in someone elses house the fact that E and I both have our parents around will make this feel like it’s the first xmas dinner that I have made rather than cooking dinner in a parents house.
Not that it matters but at the same time it does feel suddenly extra grown up in an odd way.
It will also be nice for E to have time with her family as well. We have some nice things planned for when they are around so there are lots of things to look forward to.
I have completed all of my Christmas shopping…mostly done online! I cannot stand shops at this time of year especially over the weekends – it gets scary. I still have to buy some cards and giftwrap and I have definitely been dragging my heels a bit about when I shall commence this but I need to buy one card soon as I have to send that to the USA. Everything else shall be delivered by hand though as that is how little I send Christmas cards.