Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Spanish Eyes

I find myself starting this blog post in bohemian Barcelona. Not because I am taking the spirit of viajante (the traveller) but because I am here for work.  So far it has been a fruitful trip.  I have felt reconnected to a project I have been working on as well as refocusing my mind and head onto some other things.  I must say that being out of London and away from some comforts and familiarity has been really nice.

Of course I miss certain people.  I miss being snuggled up with E, but I am also loving being in a massive bed in a place that isn’t my home and being able to have a bit of ‘me’ time.

I had a lovely shower on my first night, I had injured my foot and my Mum helped me dress it as I stood on a plug in my room and it has left me with a small wound that bled. It was nice being ‘Mothered’ and I also gave her a foot massage as her feet were hurting her so it was mutual care.

I ate some nice food and was in really lovely company tonight whereby everything seemed to blend away from what seemed familiar.

This was done in a way that I really enjoyed.

Just as now I am loving that I have some time to write and can be sat in silence without having anyone else even in the same vicinity as me.  Sometimes this is something I adore and actually crave.

A good friend of mine, C is a writer and I can see why she chooses to go to the British Library to do her work where she can set up camp in a secluded corner and work in absolute solitude.

The more I think about things I want to write (particularly with my slightly scrambled dyslexic brain) the more being in solitude makes perfect sense.

Being away from everything is also offering me some clarity right now. There are some changes for 2012 that I will make happen as I can no longer continue feeling unhappy with one or two situations. 

I refuse to feel unhappy or have a heart filled with sorrow though.  In fact I feel unresisting and quite open hearted to what I want to make happen. This to me is what being positive is about.  Rather than whinge, bitch and complain I would rather find solutions to what it is that is causing some element of tension on certain levels.

I say this because moaning and not doing anything about something isn’t a productive way to deal with a situation. I don’t want to be one of life’s whingers. I would rather just accept that sometimes something can be frustrating but that comes after trying everything that could be tried to make a situation better or tolerable.

I am turning 28 soon and that means I am 2 years away from being 30. For some reason I feel this pressing urgency to have all my shit in order by that time.

I want to have had my GRC, chest surgery and possibly a marriage or the hope of some form of marriage by then (age 30).

These are things that are important to me. 

In regards to marriage if I don’t see it being a viable option then I would abandon some aspects of hope in that regard, or at least try and think of being with a partner that would consider that.

Like some people have a biological clock going off I seem to have a matrimonial clock going off.

I would also like to have a relationship that goes past two years.

In February I would have been with E for 2 years so this is a positive. Although there have been times where things have been difficult and sometimes I have had doubts one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that there is love between us.

As long as I feel active love that this something that will always keep me in a relationship.  Sounds simplistic but at the same time it was a nice thing to realize. As well as being a positive for someone, like myself that tries to dodge relationships a lot of the time.

I have always had a weird relationship with intimacy – I want it yet it scares me.  Especially if it means I might risk getting hurt.  But at the same time it’s a bit bonkers to crave heavy intimacy and emotional attachment yet at the same time want to run from it yet still fantasize about feeling very romantically bonded to someone and to be married to another person.

Especially given how I grew up.

My Mother was single for most of my childhood and was never drilling into me that I should be in a relationship or grow up get married and have babies.  In fact in many ways she was quite the opposite. 

One principle I will always respect and that is only be with someone in a relationship because you want to be with them and not out of a sense of ‘obligation’ or a feeling of ‘settling’ for someone.

I am glad that these principles have remained with me, only I think on occasions I have taken being single a step too far.  Then that is part of the joy as well as pain of being young – we all have to make mistakes and sometimes learn things the hard way.

Day 2 of being here has been very busy.  Managed to clear a lot of stuff in a giant work meeting, and we had a nice break to a market where we ate and Mum and I walked around a lot and I bought jamon, chorizo and manchego. It was on of the highlights of my day.

Saw some really, really cool fashions too but resisted temptation to buy anything even though I wanted to. A recent purchase of mine went walkabout so am a bit reluctant to shop for myself right now.  Also am feeling a bit on the porky side so want to feel slim and trim again before I spend large amounts of money on clothing.

There is a bit of dysmorphia in place body wise right now so I spent a lot of today trying not to eat much and I will be using the hotel gym shortly so that I can at least psychologically tell myself that I have burned some calories. It’s also nice to make the most of facilities on offer.

Like a lot of people though, this month will cause a little bit of anxiety when it comes to fear of putting weight on. I did used to be a lot bigger and T has made me feel broader but also wider.

I have nightmares sometimes that I have turned into a giant ball that rolls across the road. Or that I have turned into a big guy in the slobby sense. It is a bit irrational and perhaps slightly neurotic but it’s the truth as to how I feel sometimes.

The fact is I know I am not the only person who feels like this nor will be as everyone has their own little isms – the difference is whether or not they care to honestly admit them or not. That is their choice.

I know something else too and that is the testosterone is changing me every single day. Even my thoughts and sensitivities have started changing. Depending on where I am in my cycle I have days whereby I feel grotty, sometimes really crappy and on other occasions I feel low.

But then the flipside is that I feel more and more that I am growing in confidence and growing into more of the person that I actually am.  One thing that I feel more than anything is a new set of growing pains in every sense possible.

Physically I have a little party going on, although I wish the spots on my back would disappear and I can feel parts of me shaping into something else. I smell different and I sometimes don’t recognize certain manifestations taking place.  But I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Now I feel I am living the honest life I have wanted to for years. For every person that says something negative, thinks of me as a freak or just doesn’t understand, well here’s the main thing – I don’t give a f*ck anymore.

I am not prepared to make people feel better about their own hang-ups anymore. We don’t have to be the best of friends or even friends at all but I don’t see why I should feel obliged to take people’s rude attitudes on board because there are certain things they can’t understand or feel comfortable about.

If people are unsure about things then they should ask more in a polite way or go and read…if people want to know more about something that typically is something that people do is it not?

I may sound a bit like I am climbing on a high horse or using some self elevated notion of privilege or some crap like that but I am not.

This year I have made a lot of big strides within my transition and finally I am reaching a place where I am starting to feel comfortable and happy with myself. If people can’t handle that be it friends, ex-friends or acquaintances then I have no time for this.

My place in life isn’t to be the person who is full of misery and pain. I have felt that way in stages and I don’t want that to be a place that I occupy. I try and live as happy a life as possible and contrary to what some may think of me I try and be as positive as I can.

But I did realize recently is what I don’t need is to be in an underdog position. Or a spot where people can feel superior by feeling that I am their nominated person in which they can feel charitable and virtuous towards because they helped me turn a corner or some pompous crap like that.

For the good friends I do have I am appreciative of support I have received though but I like to feel that I am connected to people in the good times as well as when things get a bit difficult.

It’s a tricky and fine balance but slowly I am heading there and for that I am really pleased about.

For every difficult day or stage I get within my transition there is also a massive sigh of relief that I am no longer living a life that was false.

Like all things in life it isn’t always pleasant or plain sailing but I think to live a life true to one’s heart is better than living in the shadows.

It might not make me Mr Popular but at least I know I live not feeling bogged down with guilt.

Anyhow I should really stop my mini procrastinating and go to the gym and then conclude my time here in Barcelona – which is basically more drinking eating and talking about ways to launch my work project off the ground!

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