Wednesday, 15 December 2010

On Side

I never fail to be pleasantly surprised by my GP.  I arrived home today to discover he had written to me. Explaining that he had taken time to research things about referral processes, and he even added that he had intentionally omitted specific details from the letter to me but also said I could get in touch with him if I wanted to talk about anything.

He really is a nice chap, and does seem proactive about things.  I think it's a shame that we become predisposed to expecting health services to be useless.  Still I am lucky to have a GP like him that seems to want to assist with my transitioning process.

It makes me feel a bit better about it and it's nice knowing that I don't have to claw my way through that as well. I may not be passing well at the moment but at least my GP wants to help. It's also something that is positive.

I like the warmth that comes with that.

Had a nice lunch with my Mum today and all was well, waitress very chatty and all felt nice until the end when she called us both ladies. Still It made me think of a few things.

Firstly when in public I have to remember to drop my voice more and perhaps alter my body language slightly.  I think soon I will go to a cafe and people watch and observe how men sit, and express themselves.

The same happened in a shop today too, as I bought something was called sir, felt happy with that and then the shop assistant apologised and changed name to 'madam'. There was also a big queue behind me and I did feel a little bit embarrassed, yet at the same time I accept that this seems to be the norm. I am convinced they can small oestrogen coming from me and it's something I have to swallow.

It is a bitter pill and it does make me feel like shit but at the same time a part of me in a slight flouncy sense is starting to think and feel that I shouldn't expect to pass and maybe take it as a bonus when I do pass.

Who knows?

I know I am sensitive to it at the moment too, so perhaps on that scale I have to find ways not to feel as if I have been slapped in the face whenever that happens. Not everything is easy and some of this I feel is a lesson from somewhere that is pushing me and I feel I am learning something.  I need to learn to be less sensitive.

There is a part of me I know I need to switch off as I feel that is what is giving me away. I sometimes wish I wasn't so sensitive to things - that is the difference to being a boy to being a man. The infant state of Leng seems to want to be nurtured yet I don't quite know in what way.

It's also something you don't exactly say you need. Females in a strereotypical way are ones that we are socially conditioned to protect and in some ways 'look after'.  Yet men are meant to be bashed and knocked around because men are not supposed to have feelings or vulnerabilities it seems.

The conundrum continues and I will ascertain what exactly it is that is happening.  Until then I have to grit my teeth, keep thinking forward and remember to breathe and reflect on how well I have done rather than think of where I think I am failing.

In this past year I have experienced a lot and am doing a lot and that is how I like things to be. The world doesn't stop moving or changing and neither do we as people.

The key in all of this is not to submit to allowing negative feelings to consume from the inside.  It is a battle right now but I know I will win, because one thing in all of this is that I didn't decide to transition for nothing.  The feelings I have, didn't come from nowhere and this isn't a phase.

If it was a phase I would have stopped, but I am determined to keep going and along the way of this journey there are going to be bumps and I will have to take the odd knock.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Piggy In The Middle

I feel like I am in the middle. I know I have said before that I feel I am between two genders and I think at present the feelings around that are really starting to come to a head.  I'm also still confused about one or two things. My sense of connection with a lot of things feels disjointed and a spark I feel a lot of the time is somewhat diluted.

Still I know it's a phase I am going through, and although not pleasant I don't want to turn into a miser about it all. I did choose this and I do want to change things about myself and who I am. It's not always a walk in the sunshine.

This is the thing with life, we never truly know what is around the corner or what surprises it may or may not have in store for us.

It sounds quite negative in some respects, but with some of what I am feeling right now I am starting to think that it is part of some of the transitioning process. This is what happens when a person is stuck in the middle and patience is required in order to work out what is needed next and also how to process and cope with things going on. It's also offered me a slight push as to what I am going to do next with all of this. I actually don't know. I've come very far in some respects but then there is a part of me that is thinking what am I doing? I feel out of place with myself more than anything else.

I don't even know what I need right now, realistically.  I would like to not feel pain and feel that I am sinking because there are certain days where I start to feel petrified that my whole world is going to crash and burn. I worry my connections with friends and people close to me are diluting and all in all this disjointed feeling is making me feel lonely and in a lot of ways invisible. I say invisible as I sometimes find that I behave in certain ways that I feel is for the benefit of others. Partly because I don't want to upset people or drive them away with my own crap. It's not fair on them.

With it being party season everyone is in that mode, which is great.  I feel vestiges of it but also there are parts of me that feel more and more alone. It's a weird sensation to have and feels wrong on so many levels.  I know I have great friends, people who care about me a lot but at the same time I feel very lonely on the inside.  I feel everyone has a nice connection with the world apart from me. I feel a sense of disconnection because I don't feel comfortable with myself.

Right now I don't care who knows this from who doesn't anymore.  I can't hide it well anyway. On a positive note I know that once I find my own comfortable space again I will feel ok. I will stop feeling this asphyxiation and I will stop feeling so heavy on the inside.

I hate knowing that there is a negative cloud lingering over my head, I find it quite irritating as I know that I am not a miserable git, I remind myself in almost mantra style that life is wonderful and great and many other things but this feeling in the middle thing is really hurting for some reason.

With some patience I know I can make this stop, and I will.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Jingle All The Way...

The festive season has arrived and already I can see cash evaporating before my very eyes.  This is with the proviso of being careful.  Still I have decided that next year will be different, such as starting any shopping I have really early, like what I used to do.  Still, it's not a bad problem as such, I am just increasingly aware that this time of year gets expensive in terms of being out more, and the pressures to be doing more or the expectation that because it's December that everyone shall be on a splurgeathon.

Still it's good to enjoy one's self too, but that to me doesn't have to come from spending lots of money.  I find sometimes some of the best things to be had and experienced come from enjoying things such as spending time with friends, having coffee, meeting up in someones house stuff like that.

I also love ritzy exciting nights too as well as having something to look forward to as well.  That to me is a wonderful thing, looking forward to things and planning things, but not to the point whereby there is no space left for something spontaneous to happen.  The truth is we never fully know what will happen next or will be around the corner.

Life definitely works in mysterious ways sometimes. For the good or bad it has taught me one thing well and that is never to become overly complacent. But sometimes I do have to remind myself not to go too much of the other way either whereby I forget to enjoy and embrace what is happening presently either.

I find balancing lots of things is sometimes slightly challenging as I know that at some stage I will end up contradicting myself.


I'm not against it with others but for me it really scares me.  There are already a few biological things changing in me right now that I can feel and there are certain things that T would accelerate in me. To what extent I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to find out as I still feel unsure as to who I am and what I am doing in terms of transitioning.

But then I have started to feel a curiosity as to what would happen if I took a bit...I know the changes wouldn't be dramatic or as effective if I was to take it for 6 months or even a year.  But I am sometimes curious as to what it would be like.  I know I will have to find a few people willing to chat to me about it more before I make any informed decisions.  Also I would want to make sure I wasn't tempted to try it out of it being a reaction to feeling I am not passing well as male.

I hate the whole pressure surrounding wanting to pass and I am aware that sometimes I can be a little bit reactive to a situation. But at the same time we all react in different ways but for me something that is important is maintaining that I am doing things out of choice and not out to succumbing to any pressures.  Changing anything about an identity is no easy task and it's also a very individual and personal process. I'm also aware that if I was to start taking hormones, that by no direct means holds the keys to my inner happiness.  That shall always come from within and also come from how strong my desire is to be happy.

Presently I'm not the happiest I have been but at the same time I am not miserable either, but currently residing somewhere in the middle. With how hectic this month is already a part of me is seeking some quiet time.  I know that this will happen over Xmas as things tend to slow down and also Xmas day and Boxing day are always quiet and in some senses 'Dead Days' I know I will get to turn my brain off a little then and not feel that I am a machine that is continually whirring...well not at the rate it has been anyhow.  I am always plotting and full of thoughts.  That will never change.

What I do with my thoughts and how I apply them next is what I would consider phase two of my own development. I don't really depend on anyone to help me or provide me with answers with a lot of this stuff as people don't or won't.  I also think it's important to not rely on others and to not rely on the protection of others.

But the only downside is that it does feel really lonely sometimes and I do feel a bit isolated at times from this.  I know today I am definitely feeling it a bit, but at the same time I know in my heart that I will get through this and that its good that I am doing this mostly alone.

I feel as if there isn't much that anyone could or would be able to help with realistically, especially as I haven't quite figured out yet what I am doing in regard to a number of things right now.  Because of this I do silence myself in regard to a few things as there isn't a point trying to explore something that I either don't understand or just feel.  Without it having a rational route around it.

For example I sometimes have days whereby I feel pain on the inside and it would be for no apparent reason.  But something inside hurts.  I also sometimes get thoughts whereby I feel I am not so close to people I care about or that they don't care which again I know factually isn't true but at the same time sometimes certain feelings make no sense, and at present a lot of what I feel makes very little sense.  Other than things I know I am 100% clear on.  Thankfully I am not feeling confused when it comes to other matters of the heart so that is a comfort.

I do however feel I have lost a bit of my inner sparkle and I would like that back.  This confused silent standoff that is currently taking place in my heart is making me feel that I am set slightly apart from others, and ultimately I know that is pulling down on me a little.

Still like any negative feeling on the inside the key is to manage it, acknowledge it but to work against it and not let it win.  Especially as the roots of it are born from something relatively straightforward.

The answers and resolve I am seeking will come to me, but I just have to be a little bit more patient and remember to pay attention to what is going on. Otherwise I will sink if I don't look for solutions as to how to progress with all of this.

Thursday, 2 December 2010


It sounds like a University marking scheme but this week it seems the story of my life. I am convinced that my masculine armour is failing me.  Either that or people can smell my oestrogen.  I haven't passed on trains, in a couple of shops now and even in a restaurant.

The exposed slightly 'ashamed' feeling that I seem to feel really baffles me as I freeze.  I know I should drop my voice a bit and correct someone but in those situations I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach and I also feel very exposed.

I also find myself picking faults within myself...I think to myself that I should have binded my chest better, made my voice more masculine, maybe worn more scent, made my hair look more manly...or perhaps that I need to lose more weight so that I don't have any feminine curves or much shape around my face, and try and look like a boney man, well without going completely anorexic.

I am feeling right now that I am in a no man's land, quite literally.  Instead I flit between the gender camps like some rogue renegade that isn't part of either gender camp.  It is exciting to be different but it can feel a bit lonely too. Every journey will be individual and unique to each person but sometimes I feel I am on the outside of a bubble looking in. I am seeking some sort of internal validation but I just wish I knew what it was exactly.  I know I could then make a lot more sense to as in a situation like this if people don't have a clue or I can't explain well enough about what is happening then how will anyone know? Why should they understand either?

People owe me nothing in terms of support.  I need to understand more from within and I hate to feel I do rely on people.  But there is a part of me that is struggling a little but the really irritating thing is that I so far can't exactly identify what.  This is starting to bug me on a scale that I didn't quite realise.

On having a lovely chocolately biscuit fuelled conversation with a great friend of mine, I did find a few things coming up.  This did feel like a relief, and I felt I was getting a little bit closer to what it is bubbling away in this internal stew.

But it's not all doom and gloom, certain things are hurting now but I refuse to feel flattened by it.  I can't operate like that otherwise I wouldn't get up in the morning and this is a right of passage.  I am sure every person that has changed gender or questioned their gender has encountered some stage of feeling odd and out of place. It can be scary but at the same time I will make sure I face as many fears as possible and just be honest with myself.

I confirmed my appointment today for the 18th of January so I will be preparing for that.  I know by the time comes I have some time to think and consider what I might be feeling or what I might understand in a more clear manner then.

I also have Christmas to think about too.  I have about 3 presents to buy (about 20 I have fastasized about) and so far am not feeling as hating of the period as I usually do.  Also this year I am excited about on some levels.  It will be the first one in years I will be celebrating with a partner for the actual day which will be nice. I also have a few things up my sleeve then but given certain eyes read my blog I shall divulge or not as the case maybe.

But my main points of survival right now are to breathe a lot, drink tea and try not to be hard on myself.  The answers I am seeking will come but I know I have to bite down and take the rough with the smooth.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Who Am I?

I have discovered that every so often I get confused.  Really confused as to what it is I am doing with life and who it is I actually am. The more I step away from who I was and having a female identity I feel as if I am ice skating.  That moment when you start skating away from the edge but you know you need to stay close in case you fall and also the reluctance to budge from it.

I feel I am in that place right now.

Only I am a bit lost and I feel I haven't got a strong sense as to what is familiar to me once again.

I keep moving from feeling really grumpy, to really upset.  I don't really like these feelings as everything inside feels really mixed up.  I also feel uneasy with the thought of having to be diagnosed with a gender identity disorder before I can proceed with some other aspects of my transition.

I know it's just a formality, and something that has to be done but at the same time it doesn't mean I have to like it.  Or even feel happy with that because right now I'm not.

I feel like a nightmare in some respects in regard to how I feel and feel a lot of negativity inside right now.  To which something I know I can budge and will budge but still don't like feeling it eating me and attacking me a bit too.

Soon though I know I will be ok about it as that is how I generally tend to react to things.  I am least resistant there but at the same time I also like to maintain time and space to balance and process this.  Going to see a psychiatrist in January will be helpful and should be a positive experience but it also weirds me out a bit and I am a bit scared. I hate feeling that I am under a microscope and I am a bit anxious as to what sort of questions I am going to be asked in regard to my gender.

I don't want to be exposed as a fraud or feel that for all this time I have got it all wrong. This is just pure speculation but being in a sense of limbo isn't overly nice. But again one takes a deep breath and learns how to plough through and not to fear the worst.  So far I have had a relatively smooth transition with a lot of positive support and it would be foolish and unrealistic not to remember that.

I don't like admitting when I feel a bit scared, as my pride feels a bit stunted but at the same time there is no point in lying or denying that this is the case either. It's so easy to lie and deny what is happening and once I do that then I really am in trouble. It doesn't work for me.

Still I know that this is situational and it is just a wobble.  I just want it to stop though. I can't bear feeling that I am confused and feel that I have a strange feeling of being between two genders.  It's not an easy feeling.  Yet at the same time I don't want to have to do things in order to what I would regard as 'conforming' to any pressures or doing things that I feel other people want rather than what is best for me right now.

I see gender as a spectrum and all of this binary crap is really tiring sometimes. Especially whe n it comes to what is expected of you just because you choose to identify a certain way. Or you indentify in a way that isn't just a clear cut and easy example of ticking a box.

Some boxes can be useful, but generally I prefer ones that aren't clerical or admin based.

I have made a plan, squash followed by work followed by sticking to tasks shall help me through this.  In between that taking time to cry will most likely follow as well. I find it hard to cry a lot of the time but at other times tears flow easily and now is one of them.

I plan on gym too but also I like squash too as its more sociable and right now I think I need a bit more people quotient even if it is just for an hour.  Working alone at at home can be a little bit lonely sometimes but at the same time working through lots of stuff all the time will also help to alleviate any feelings of isolation as it's head to the grindstone and to just keep going with everything. That is what works for me for the most part and that is how I shall move on from this.

Still, this rather interesting and eventuful year is early up so soon will be the time to create more goals and a few resolutions that hopefully I shall stick too. Still there is always a plan b and another plan for this or that...

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Random Friday

This was bulk of my day.  But something that has stuck is the fact that I had a referral letter from my GP for a psychiatrist in January. I didn't have to get him to chase it up following a rejection from Charing Cross clinic.  On the basis that they had no psychiatric records of me. Also this confirms that I have a 'Gender Disorder'.  That in itself is really not feeling very comfortable on the inside right now.  I feel like a cat that has been dunked in a bucket of water.

I do feel slightly nervous about this as well as thinking to myself ARGH! This has made everything feel very suddenly real.  It isn't helpful that right now I am stuck in a temporary vacuum of 'Who am I?' Once again, but at the same time I know that this will get better soon. This is normal for a situation whereby you are changing who you are and where you can feel you are changing from who you were.

This will sound really petty but recently I have boycotted one of my local shops all because the man in there always calls me "madam". Before, things like that didn't upset me too much but always getting called by the wrong pronoun by that shop has put me off them.  To be fair even when I did identify as female I never looked like a "madam" so why the fuck would I do so now? I hate feeling that I have been 'exposed' by that type of omission.

I know that perhaps he might be trying to be politically correct etc but I don't want to sit down and explain gender differences to him either. I think that is some of the issue, I don't want to feel that I am explaining myself away.  I know I do that enough to begin with and a lot of trans people have had to put up with this.  Also anyone who does have a different gender representation from the norm.  I know some people will not understand it.  There are things I am still in the process of learning how to understand as well but some things don't feel good and this is one of them.

I work very hard to appear as male as possible.  I drop my voice, I exercise a lot, I try not to eat much sometimes, not just to save money but to also alleviate having too many female curves as I know this affects how well and how much I pass.

This might sound a bit horrible to read but it's the truth.  I try to stay away from words and writing stuff that sounds too negative, especially if I feel not as happy as usual, but at the same time this is my blog and I will always be honest here.  I write this as a document of how my life is and not just to please or humour people.

I also don't like being overly dishonest.  I don't see the point.

Some of my fears I am currently feeling I am sure every transitioning person has gone through.  I have had paranoid moments of thinking that the psychiatrist will think I am a fraud, or that he won't believe I have a gender disorder.  Although to start with I don't think I do. I am male, just with female bits.  I wish I would have never been breasts or had to tick the female gender box. 'Mr' is a better way to desccrive me than 'Miss'. I just hope that is understood.

I really do. Otherwise I don't know what else I am expected to do at this current stage.  Still will cross that bridge when I come to it. Like with most things and with this in particular I know that this will be a predominantly solitary journey as only I can make sense of some of this stuff.  Other people I know have either worked through a lot of this or are very comfortable and happy in their own gender.

Right now I am confused on quite a scale.  The fact I have drank a skinful of booze when I first started writing this has made it a little more bearable. But inside something is disconnecting from me.  I feel it and a part of me wishes to run far and then hide. That way I know I am not bothering anyone. I won't be bringing negativity unto anyone else either.  Yet at the same time I seek a sense of reassurance and warmth, but I know that there are a few things to do with this that I have to deal with alone.

I was recently told by someone who didn't mean this in a nasty way but they said that when they look at me they could see how vulnerable I am in some ways. This has stuck with me as I feel like I have a lingering fart following me around from that omission.  I hate to feel I am looked at like that and it ties in with something someone else I know says and that is "It's better to have people be scared of you than feeling sorry for you". I really don't want people to ever feel that nor do I want to be seen as vulnerable.  But the fact is how does a man be tough without acting like a prick?

So many exhibits of strong masculine behaviour I have found has tended to feed into really bad gender stereotyped behaviour.  Sensitive men are seen as a bunch of quivering pansies to which I think is wrong.  Not all males were designed to be a brutus maximus or a macho man. Feeling I have pressures of new found gender stereotypes to now conform to makes me want to hang myself. (oh and for the record that is not something that I am intending on doing even if Sarah Palin is elected into power)

Some guys have feelings too and aren't just cold hearted, emotionally shut off beings. Nor should that be a stereotyped way of behaving either.  I have met many women who are cold and unemotional.  I sometimes envy that.

Yet at heart that isn't me. Whoever that person emerging might be.

That is something that offers comfort, particularly when feeling slightly confused. It's good to know what you're not before you can think about what you are.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010


I've been having a week where I feel quite rotten to be honest.  I've been shaking off a cold and in general I feel I have a lot to do and not enough time.  My mind is constantly thinking about so many things, on so many levels and at my head hasn't quite found the switch off button.

I also have come to accept that cold weather, feeling that I am a bloated whale, feeling like shit and feeling rather ugly on admission of having a manky spot on my chin all in all is a nice recipe guaranteed to turn me into a grumpy old man.

I remind myself not to be grumpy and to try and smile but sometimes I can't do that.  I also feel a bit isolated at the moment too. I'm stuck between a few thoughts, one or two private things too and I don't know what to do about it that doesn't involve being grouchy or taking it out on people around me.

I think the first step of anything negative like that ideally is to be honest about it. I have done that but it doesn't mean I like it or am comfortable with it. I am also feeling a bit stressed too which is normal - it is this time of the year, there is a slight feeling of gloom in the air for the most part.

But there is a silver lining, like everything. I know this feeling won't last, it is situational. I just feel incredibly frustrated with it, and I know in acknowledging it it lets it all out. Also having alternating feelings of wanting to be held tight to wanting to hide. It's annoying. I refuse to give into these negative thoughts though as I know it's just a small phase on admission that right now I haven't been physically well and I feel a bit stressed.

Everyone feels that at some point in their life, it's not exactly uncommon is it? I think a large chunk of my own stress is feeling that I need to prove myself half the time. I hate having that pressure from within sometimes as I am not perfect by any means I keep finding faults with myself and then that seems to translate elsewhere.

I then start to think, why does the mind do that?  Why do we as people sometimes become irrational and sulky with life? I then become irritated by having irritation and then I find myself wanting to reach for herbal tea and an IV drip.

Still I will lose my whinging soon I know it as these thoughts and feelings are slowly starting to drive me nuts. I may not be a hard arse but it doesn't mean I will be a wimp either.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Winter is here

As the title suggests I feel I have now accepted that autumn is gone and now we have winter upon us.  That is the thing with Autumn, I feel it's the quietest of all the seasons.  You feel the long, harsh weather of winter, you look forward to spring, then you prepare for a long summer and then autumn quietly pops by and hey presto we are in winter.

The only time I know it's autumn is when I see recipes for beetroot appearing everywhere as well as pumpkin. Other than that for those who are seasonal with their diets, get ready for lots of ummm parsnips with everything.  Ok maybe I am over exaggerating slightly but my excuse today is Man Flu related.

It isn't actual flu but a sore throat. Which I have had since Wednesday.  I also went from feeling achey to now feeling very bunged up and am convinced that my left nostril has been super glued together.  The only thing I am enjoying about this is that I have a super deep voice as I just realised when I spoke on the phone earlier on. Now if I could have this voice all the time I would be a very happy man. Still, we can't have it all.

I am getting more and more bored about this cold and just want it to go now as it's been almost a week. 

On having this realisation that it is winter I have also realised that this year has zoomed by incredibly fast as well as creating distance from a number of things too.

2010 on the whole has been a wonderful year.  I met someone and fell in love, after literally treading on their foot(!) I graduated with a 2:1, started up a business with my parents and met many lovely people along the way on a personal and professional basis. I have also transitioned further and a few things that were freaking me out a bit just don't.

I really like how a lot of things feel in my life right now and I intend on keeping it that way. Post Uni life though has been interesting.  It's almost like having a protective bubble removed and then here appears the world once again.

It also made me feel really out of sorts.  I still feel like I am finding my feet but I feel there is a clearer way.  There are certain things as well that I don't think I ever will shift.  In a work capacity I think there will always be a feeling that we need 100 billion things right now, but at the same time I also remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day either.  Doesn't mean one loses sight of that ambition but to just be a little more realistic. Still we learn these things, as time goes on. 

As we get closer to Christmas I have started thinking once again as to what goals I shall set myself for the next year. Even if I have my moments of feeling unsure I know I still have to plough on. Just finding the energy and ways to do so properly.  It will happen I just don't know how I will do so quite yet. 

I need to assess a few things as well as improve on a load of things too.  But it's a nice adventure waiting to happen. Well that is what the positive thinking side of me is saying, anything else in me is just urging me to wait and see.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

It's the most transitioning time of the year...

I really don't know what is happening at the moment but I am embracing it. Lots of things that were really freaking me out before just aren't anymore. I can identify what it is sometimes that makes me feel uncomfortable but for the most part I can't be bothered to allow certain things to weigh me down and affect me in the ways they used to.

It doesn't mean that I don't care, but on the contrary I feel less vulnerable and less afraid of the world and people - well to a fair degree.

I always have a few thoughts bubbling away inside of me, but fortunately I feel that I can handle it. I am starting to prefer thinking that I can do something rather than I can't do something. If I am not so good at something then I intend to improve if its something I really want to be good at or to not feel intimidated by.

At the same time I also know it's important to know myself and my own personal boundaries. I thrive on having that sort of structure as that to me provides me with some safety. Especially with transition, I am feeling more and more that my environment is prone to shift and change quite suddenly and dramatically in some respects. For that reason I need to feel a strong sense of security from within.

My body in the last few months has really changed and I am pleased with that.  I did need to lose more weight and I want to continue to shift weight and change my body shape as much as possible as I don't want to return to how I used to be.  I also know that I struggle with my personal image sometimes too and as long as I can wear smaller clothes and feel that when I  am thinner I feel more attractive. I am now the smallest I have ever been but I do know that I keep thinking sometimes that I could do with more weight coming off but then I think a lot of people think like that.

I'm starting to get weirdly excited that in January I will turn 27. The older I get the happier I get it seems. I hate feeling closer to my youth.  I think about some of my feelings I had in my early 20s and I cringe, massively cringe! But at the same time that is what made me who I am today.

It has been nice to think about that time recently and not feel angry or cry but left me thinking about how much I have moved on and grown from that stage in my life. I felt very unhappy a lot of the time and didn't seem to know how or want to be happy which isn't a nice thing to really accept but it's true. There were also a few periods that I didn't think I would still be alive now. For a long time I did hate being alive, and in some respects the main thing I struggled with was finding what I felt was my 'place' here in the world.

This isn't intended to sound dramatic, it's just a fact. Not a pleasant fact, but it is what it is.

It makes sense to me, but obviously I am not sure how it translates to others. 

For a number of years I have had clinical depression. I've had highs and lows and tried a variety of things to treat it.  The things that I can say have worked for me (as I do see it as a very individual thing as to what works for people to feel better) has been feeling listened to and understood. Also having space and counselling to identify why it is certain things triggered certain negativities within me helped a lot.

For a number of years feeling I was in the wrong body has definitely flagged a few esteem issues.  For a long time I knew I hated having breasts, and I knew I felt increasingly freaked out at the prospect of being seen and identified as a female. At the same time I didn't think myself a bloke but a man. In hindsight I can see why I felt confused in some respects! Just thinking back to one or two things I too feel really confused.

Still the feelings that I wasn't female over the last few years have felt like an alarm ringing louder and louder. I still don't fully know exactly how far I will transition but again that is my business and I don't have to justify my decisions to anyone.

Nor should anyone else have to either. If it is found to be confusing to some people then I am happy to explain what I want to explain but one thing is for sure following something I witnessed recently and that is I don't owe any explanation to anyone, nor should anyone else.

As far as I am concerned and bothered about is people knowing me by my preferred name and preferred pronoun. Anything else I disclose is my choice and not someone's right.

At the moment I am pleased to say that I don't feel sad or depressed, and if I do have the odd moment of feeling something unpleasant I have found myself talking about it more or neutralising it by thinking about where it's coming from and why it's there. I feel in some ways if light is put on it, it dissolves.  Depression and negative feelings like that like to hide in the shadows and pull you down a dark alley.

I have grown tired of feeling upset or sad and for that reason if I feel these feelings surfacing I have started fighting it off. It's not always easy but at the same time it has to be done. I don't like feeling how I used to and feeling that I am being reminded in some respects of how I used to feel either.

Slowly but surely I am starting to feel more free in myself and that I am safe. I need to feel that and that desire to protect myself and my environment as otherwise people are capable of disturbing that, particularly as there are some folk that like to push things and I won't tolerate it.  Not anymore.

There are thoughts and feelings that are getting louder now to me but at the same time I know when the time will be right in order to action them. As well as how to gather more content for my website, how to make it successful, how to become more muscly, how to have a decent lifestyle and also when will I win the lottery.

All in all my thoughts and ideals are a mixture of perfectly realistic goals and things that are nearly impossible but at the same time they inspire hope so that is something. Be it realistic or pie in the sky it's there.


Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Fade To Grey

There are a few things that I have found sometimes have an impact on my moods.  One thing is the weather. I can't stand grey skies and a feeling of darkness that comes with it.  To look outside and feel that the atmosphere is slightly depressing doesn't do wonders for the mood.  Yet at the same time I try not to let it affect me but a lack of sunshine does make me feel slightly more lethargic and I crave hibernation. Well in the short term.  In actual reality I will see people and will feel myself craving good conversation, and pleasant company with a mug of steaming hot tea.

I think it's a sign of feeling a little older when excitement comes from discovering a new tea.  This week I have fallen in love with Roobios tea. I could drink that by the gallon and unlike coffee and other things containing dairy or even non dairy it feels a lot lighter on the stomach, which brings me to my next thought at the to stay slim in winter!

I feel I have to be extra strict with myself at the moment as I feel as if I am battling slightly with an inner jabba that wants to eat the world. Still eating healthily isn't proving to be too difficult.  I am still going to the gym and at the weekends I will be playing squash with someone who I refer to as the 'Kazanator'. She kicked my arse last time we played but for me it isn't always about the winning but just the running around and sweating to the point that I stink. I feel less worried about what and how I eat when that happens. 

Also Christmas is coming, I am a massive foodie and I like to cook lots. I just want to make sure I don't get into old eating patterns or old body shapes as I know that the leaner I am the easier it is for me to pass. I also keep thinking I am huge when factually I am not as half of my clothes now hang off me like tents or things like my belt needs more holes so these are positive reminders that my body has indeed changed.

I know deep down it's all a case of having the right attitude and from that growing from that. It's too easy to give in to lots of negative feelings, especially if you are wired into a depressive way of thinking. I sometimes feel like I split myself in two and there is one half of me mentoring the other. I also have to tell myself off and keep a sense of reality rather than what my impression is about something.

If I am in a crappy mood then naturally I will think that other things are crappy too. Remembering The Bigger Picture thinking about nice things and nice people always helps. Still the occasional half hour of being a grouch is sometimes needed and sometimes slightly unavoidable.  I just try not to let certain thoughts carry me off as I know they will go.

I try not to think in terms of letting something bad last. Just like something amazing never lasts infinitely, but the memories and intention to keep that sort of positivity can be something in which we strive for if we want it.

Of late I have discovered that many things are attainable - it just depends on how much someone wants something and how hard they are willing to work to attain it. The saying 'Rome wasn't built in a day' is somewhat true in some respects but at the same time it doesn't mean it has to take an eternity either.

Today is still grey but I have a few things to look forward to, the rain will stop and with that I will stop feeling imprisoned. It's odd that sometimes despite social networking technology, the amount of emails and texts I send a day or even the odd phonecall that I get moments of feeling massively disconnected from the world.

All of which shall be remedied in a few hours. Otherwise I will play 'Kum By Yah' on a continuous loop until my sense of humor returns.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Men Have Hang Ups Too

There is something I discover more and more as I grow into the male identity that I possess as well as conversations that I have had and overheard, but men do have sensitivities too.

But the difference is either they don't voice them or they can't speak of them due to expectations around them.

Last week when in the gets I overheard a conversation between two men.  One guy had been dumped and the ex had told him some unflattering things about his penis size.  He as clearly knocked in terms of his confidence and also his feeling that he could satisfy a woman. I felt sorry for him.  His friend was offering reassurance but it was obvious this guy would take a while to recover from that one.

Still something he said is something I have overheard mentioned in many a post break up conversation "Why wasn't I good enough" but things along those lines I have become used to hearing women say.  It did feel like a bit of a discovery to notice that men too have discussions about feelings and emotional and why not?

I am massively against the notion that in order to be a man that it means to have minimal emotions or not to talk about feelings as something  have discovered is that men do have feelings. They might not show it but I think a lot of this is down to socialisation.

OK I am not saying that everyone is doing it in a right or wrong way but I do find it interesting that wherever possible it is seen that men can't be the ones to cry or be the ones to feel emotional.  Instead they are expected to carry on and get through everything.  I am not suggesting either that everyone stops to become an emotional weeping mass either but the whole "Be A Man" thing can really grate on me sometimes in terms of how people express themselves.

I also realised how entrapping this can be too, particularly last year.  Literally for a few months since I started my transition I found it impossible to cry.  I didn't want to hold any emotions and inside I felt slightly barren in some respects.  I experienced some pain but overall I was coasting along in what felt like a shell of loneliness.

I was also experiencing what felt like a second puberty too which is something I am relieved I have stopped.  Emotionally absolutely everything I was thinking and feeling and wanting to explore changed very dramatically.

I started to care a lot more about how and with whom I slept with as having the new identity meant in a couple of ways I couldn't hide.  The removal of a binder in some ways is like removing one's own armour. Even now I feel exposed slightly when I take it off, even though I am with someone who see's me as their boyfriend I still have to take a deep breath before I remove it and remind myself that it's OK.  It's strange as it's not like E has ever given me any feelings to suggest such a thing, more to the contrary if I am to be precise, but this is something I know comes with me.

Another thing that I experienced when hitting that second puberty was a feeling if disjointed awkwardness when it came to sex. Even now I cringe at remembering how embarrassed I would feel and how clumsy I would feel too. I felt I didn't understand the first thing when it came to sleeping with a woman, I didn't know why I would be fancied and if I would be 'good enough' in bed or had a sexual prowess to begin with.  It was like learning everything again from scratch.

To couple that off I didn't just want to f*ck everyone in sight either. I spent too many years sleeping with people because we were both drunk, or I felt I owed something because they seemed to like me.  I had the wrong values and particularly now I have a new body and that I feel closely is the true me I am fussier and more protective about how I use that.

I don't want to use people or be used by people, and around then my sexual partner quotient that a few years ago could have ranged from multiple people in a week dropped to one or none. At the same time I am not ashamed of my past either nor heavily regret things I have done but I am pleased now that I do behave differently and that certain things have changed.

In many ways my behavior had to change as it's not so clear cut as to how I can go about having sex in the first place. I would always make it clear that I was transitioning but at the same time it's not overly easy to meet the types of people I would now be draw to.  I see people and yes there are queer spaces and lovely bars but I do by and large like what happens when you meet someone by chance.  That is something I see as controlled by fate.

Many things I put down to fate if I think about it further. I also have a weird sense in not wanting to take things I do have with people for granted or how they feel about me. If in a relationship with someone I never see them as someone who is just 'there' like a pair of shoes or something like that.  They are someone I cherish, love and desire.

Same applies for people that care for me, I don't expect them to nor think its something that isn't valued.

Also making any type of relationship takes dedication and hard work, well that is my view anyhow. If I believe in a relationship I have then I will make sure I put effort into not pissing the other person off, learning how to be with them and also exploring things with that person as well as enjoying whatever dynamics we have in place.

The right dynamics and right levels of communication keep things tightly bound. But I suppose these are the things that we learn and discover as we continue.

Generally I do prefer to avoid relationships if I know I am not in a position whereby I will want to have any types of emotional connection with someone or heavy intimacy. Yet it doesn't stop me desiring it, but for that reason I will never be involved in a proper relationship with someone unless I know I can give 100%.

Yet at the same time I know I like to have a nice relationship, one day I want to marry and have a relationship where I have been with someone for donkey's years and there is a a strong glow of building a strong bond, waking with someone you adore and cherish and not thinking that you're trapped or that your life is being affected or wondering what you are doing with that person. I do in some ways slightly envy people who do have all that but at the same time I admire and respect people who have maintained a long relationship and have managed to make things work. These people humble the inner romantic that lurks inside of me and gives me validation that relationships are worth having.

Still all these things come with time, I am soon to be 27. So providing I don't get claimed into the rock and roll hall of fame, in terms of meeting an untimely death, there are some things I want to get on with for the rest of my life. 

All of these things are especially on my mind right now.  From looking around me and also having personal thoughts and opinions on various things myself I look around and to some extent have started questioning everything.

I can't help myself, particularly now as there are things I see that are changing around me as well as things changing in me. I spent a lot of years feeling massively unhappy, and I have learned that the one main force that helps overcome certain things has to come from within.

We all hold the keys to our own happiness but it's how we use them that is the challenge.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010


I am sensing that a little seasonal discomfort is bubbling up.  The weather is getting colder, we have less daylight and I keep alternating between having thoughts of wanting to hermit and hide to wanting to be surrounded by lovely people. To which is working out nicely.

My mind dips sometimes, especially when there is a seasonal change and I feel it a little right now.  I also don't feel very attractive, I sometimes think I am a bloated whale that weighs ten tonnes but I know that is because my time of the month is upon me. I also need a haircut (which is being remedied on Thursday). Sometimes I hate the hormonal feelings that come with menstruation as well as the sensitivities that accompany it. That frustrates me massively, especially when I am experiencing it and then a few hours or a day later everything is fine. But when experiencing the initial feelings it feels like hell. Having some female feelings sometimes really is a pain in the arse.

I saw an elderly lady on her own the other day and I wanted to cry as I felt a sense of sorrow for the fact that she was alone and didn't have anyone to shop with her and accompany her and couldn't quite figure out where those feelings came from.  I then felt silly for feeling so sensitive about it. I still feel a bit confused.

I want to feel less sometimes, and less affected by what people sometimes say and do or even just the environment I am in.  But saying that I will never be made out of stone.  That isn't who I am, but re-reading that I suppose its a case of not jumping from one extreme to another.

That to me is futile and something I know I have to try not to do.

It's very easy to jump between black and white thoughts but the world isn't like that and life, more importantly doesn't work in that way.  Well it can, but it would mean excluding a lot of things and a lot of experiences.

I can't see that being an option for me...I seem to be attracted to doing things the interestingly complicated way.  But fortunately I haven't experienced too much drama from that, but at the same time I  don't go out looking for it nor invite it wherever possible. Also I am a little bit older, have learned how not to take crap and also how not to take too much responsibility for things that really aren't my thing.

It does take some learning and not being in one's early, early twenties really helps.  I sometimes cringe when I think back to being 21 as in many ways I was still such a child.  I also used to drink too much and from that I think that was a big reason I was meeting people out and about that wouldn't really be my cup of tea now nor would I be theirs.

Still it's all learning and memories.  I am glad I have started do things that are a lot more positive and that I live a much more positive life as that is something I think ultimately everyone would like but its how they go about it.

I don't believe that happiness comes from just getting what you want out of life all the time but it can help, and also depends on which way it occurs.  I find quite a lot of people to be very self centred in a lot of ways yet at the same time we are humans and in some ways programmed that way.  As a species we are egotistical and selfish and think we own the planet.

There are some individuals that I have encountered in life who also seem to think that way too.  Still there are some differences to be had and there will always be differences between groups of people and personality types.

Someone like me would be considered too 'soft' for some if they were seeking a bold, brash, swaggering lothario.  Ok maybe I am not selling myself very well here or presenting myself as someone that is a wimp but I know I'm not.  I feel in some ways I am less performative about who I am in some respects.

Still observing other types of people never fails to interest me.  Ever since I was very young I always wondered why people behave in certain ways.  Such as why would there always be that one child who wanted to show off at any given moment or would command the entire attention from the room?

Then there was a child like me that used to be a bit shy and liked attention yet at the same time never wanted the full gaze of attention solely on me.

I think that is what drew me closely to photography, as I liked that I could be in the middle of things but still at a slight distance.

Some things never seem to change.

Monday, 1 November 2010


This is my 30th posting and this feels like somewhat of a mini milestone for me...well where blogging is concerned.  I have previously had a habit of starting blogs but not sticking to them.  Something about commitment issues I feel.  I have found that after a while there comes a point where I run out of things to say or want to say.

I am opinionated, I can rant and rave until the cows come home but then there is also the moment of feeling things such as do people really give a toss what I think? Do I even care what I think? Am I making sense?

Well, the jury is out a little on that one but whilst they are having a quick fag outside I would like to remember a few things since transitioning.

These things being funny things that I have experienced since I have started my journey.

So far in my year of being Leng I have discovered a few things.

-If I buy tampons shop assistants like to offer to help me.
-At parties with straight women I have been told as to what the joys of sex with older women are, how enlightening the experience can be and as a "young man" I should understand "The Vagina is a Complicated Thing"...try being a man with a c*nt sista and we'll trade notes.
-No matter how masculine I look the man in the frame shop will always see me as a 'lovely young lady'.
-If in certain places with E they think I am a lesbian or a gay man that thinks I'm a lesbian.

I still use my legal name for admin although now I have a magazine subscription and a rail card in the name of Mr Leng Montgomery

I never thought having a railcard would make me feel so complete but I realised it's not the 1/3 off that excites me (well maybe my bank balance a little more) but it's something I see as having my proper name on.

Being a Monty makes a man want things in order and to feel proper and not an imposter.  This feeling is starting to creep in more and more and I just see it as a sign that we have to move onto phase 2.  Phase 2 will enable me to legally become who I really am.

I'm ready.  There is no more time for 'she' and no more time for being Cleo. Just writing that name makes me feel that I am writing about a stranger. I don't feel sad about it but it's like one of those relationships where you feel that it's time to move on.  A bit like having a photo of an ex on the wall and stuff like that, it's time to start afresh, enjoy the memories but at the same time remember that there is a new life ahead of me and I don't want to feel that I am aligned to the past.

In the meantime now is the time forge ahead.  Things have to change work-wise, we have a lot to do and we have to get it up (in all senses) and I have many things swirling in my head in an endless mirage. Again what's new there?

Life is an ongoing adventure and mystery but I am curious as to what fate has in store for me next.  I sense something is going to radically shift, I don't know what and be it for good or bad but I am prepared and have a spare pair of clean pants just in case.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Something's Going On

I feel very different at the moment but in a way whereby I am not feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't have a sense of anxiety, or any feeling of negativity but I feel like something inside me has stabilised. Whatever has been pushing at me and yanking my chain from within seems to have fallen asleep.

Still whatever it is I am happy about it. As always there are things I seek to achieve and would desire but at the same time I also feel a sense of satisfaction with how my life is for the most part. Also I have been reading a lot of news lately.  I look at around 10-20 news based websites and blogs a day and I must say it has really widened my scope and opened my mind as to what is happening in the world.

A few things have gone into a sense of perspective. The world isn't always a nice place and right now there are many things that a person could be depressed about or bogged down by but I think the key to some elements of happiness is the will to want to be happy but also to look at things in context.

Right now in my life I have all the elements that make me happy, I have shelter, food, warmth and love. I also can choose to be the person I am, as well as have choices about a number of different things. Something of which isn't a reality for everyone.  Therefore I try and focus on what I do have rather than what I don't.  I am not talking in terms of material possessions either.

There are things I desire but am happy to wait for it as that not only is the position I have to accept but also it's something I can aim for. Nothing in life is as 'instant' as we would necessarily be led to believe. I really want to step up changing my name as I feel it's time but on the other hand it isn't going to kill me if I have to wait another couple of months before that happens.

There is a lot of work on at the moment with stuff I am doing for the website before it launches, and things to set up there.  I also want to expand on a few ideas too and see how they can be produced so that too occupies a lot of my mind.

I refuse to give into certain types of negative thinking at the moment.  I realised a little while ago that I was easily seduced by certain thoughts which in turn meant certain parts of me could potentially stagnate.  I can't get closer to 30 thinking in what I see as immature ways anymore.

I also don't want this in the make up of my new identity wherever possible. I do feel that if I am changing in every other way then now is the time to actively let go of parts of me that seemed to take a masochistic pleasure in feeling awful.

I'm never going to be a Happy-Go-Lucky type that will be irritatingly unrealistic in seeing the world through rose tinted glasses but at the same time it doesn't mean I have to be a miserable bastard either. It's about balance.

Life to me is about making it the best you can and utilising the tools you are provided with in order to make things work, without it being at too much of an emotional cost to others. I find it's to easy to be very selfish and to only think of how everything serves a purpose to the self. To some degree we need a touch of that but at the same time there is no need to be an arse about it either or do things that willfully hurt others.

That is something I find hard to identify with. I'm no angel though.  Like anyone I know I could piss someone off easily and in the past I know I have upset people before but a willingness to learn from things like that I think helps. I don't want to be the person I used to be as whenever I think of that time I feel trapped and confused.

Only now are a few things making sense as is having the confidence to really be honest with myself and be my true self - these are the attributes that make me feel that I am growing.

I am sure there is a point in here somewhere but for the most part this afternoon I seem to have many words and many thoughts.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010


This has been one rather busy week in terms of doing bits and pieces. If people think I sit around on my backside at home doing very little then think again! Still one benefit is that I do get to work at home but it doesn't mean I do any less compared to someone who clocks into an office everyday. 

In any work situation there are pro's and cons.  On major pro in my work is that it means I tend to eat less as working mostly alone means I am not distracted by other people's appetites or using the lunch slot not just for refuel but for a mini escape.

I don't really have that, but isolation is quite high and sometimes I feel vestiges of cabin fever setting in but for the most part it's ok.  There are days that lots of people are around too so I suppose I get to experience the best of both worlds.

I have been learning many new things lately as to how to work alone, how to work when setting something up from scratch and learning what works from what doesn't.  It is a continual process but I am feeling a sense of satisfaction as well as structure from what we are doing and what we hope to achieve.

Everything I do has to have some element of plan or goal about it at the end, well when it comes to career anyhow as these structures offer me a strong sense of security.  I have a few other plans too but as of yet I am not going to discuss them as I need to see how a few things pan out before I move to them.

Like most things it's about finishing one stage before I do the next.  Speaking of which I must say how much praise I have for my GP.  He is very good at getting on with what is needed.  Charing Cross sent a letter to me but because I have no psychiatric reports yet they won't admit me.  Still it's fine as I know I have to see Doctor Curtis.  I really want to now but have to save up the money in order to see him otherwise the other things I want won't be materialising in a hurry.

Still it's nice to know what I have to plan and sort out for phase two of my transition.  Phase one was living in role for a year.  Phase two shall comprise of seeing Doctor Curtis and changing my name, bank stuff and starting the legal changing of my gender. Phase three shall be the day when I have my top surgery.

I decided to break it into stages as it makes it easier and also allows me to do everything one step at a time as I know then that I would be ready for it.  The sense of urgency, well not exactly urgency...I'm not going to die or anything like that but perhaps I should say I have a keener attitude to want to change all my documents now as I feel odd every time I see 'Miss' on documents as well as putting an F in a box when it comes to describing my gender.  It's also a pain in the arse sometimes as yes biologically I am female bodied but I am starting to feel more and more weirded out about having breasts when I look masculine on the outside.

Still that is what happens if you are born in the wrong body. Although I must say that I do like having a cunt.  That I have no issue with but then I do see myself as a queer man. I don't have an attitude of I AM MAN (well unless I'm right about something :P) but I like the versatility that comes with being able to have a cock as well as a cunt.

Those are my feelings. Just as I know everything is experienced differently and has different meanings to other people.

When I have sex I often feel that it is a genderless expression which I love only depending on what parts of me I am using or are being used that seems to become a rather conceptual affair of the senses. I never feel that a more male or more female part of me is being stimulated.

Sexually I have always felt male so for me genitalia isn't the main focus of that expression.

Still that is how I feel about things.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Alive and Kicking

Following my last post about health I am happy to report that everything is fine.  So nothing more to worry about anymore and I don't have a heavy horrible feeling inside anymore.  I am also pleased that I don't have anyone worrying about me either as I don't like being the source of something like that.

I would also like to take the opportunity to thank E, my family and friends for their lovely text messages, emails and phone calls. I really did appreciate it. 

Still on the subject of moving on and breathing a sigh of relief, have started going to the gym as I am on a mission to regain a bit of strength that I am still lacking at the moment. I do feel a little run down so some of my usual output is affected but I haven't stopped exercising I just have to do things a bit differently.

Today I did well, did quite a lot of work on the weights.  I have also done a few more weights in the house and some sit ups and press ups.

Tomorrow I will play squash after lunch so that shall provide a little extra cardio in my exercise routine and will be nice to spend time with my sibling S as well.  I will beat her one of these days but until then I shall make sure I exercise to enjoy doing what I am doing.

For the last few weeks I have been steadily losing around 1kg a week and ideally I would like to lose another 5 or at least feel I have shed more as I am still seeing not enough change in some parts of my body but at the same time I know that with hard work it will go.  I have also limited what I have been eating which on some days is fine but other days it gets boring and I know I will have to watch that a little otherwise deciding on what I will eat will become either tedious or irritating for those around me.

Weirdly I have found that since I started working from home I eat a lot less as most of the time I forget to eat or I have to really make myself do it.  At least if I have people coming in the evening or meetings in the day with people I find I eat better and with structure too.

Still it will work itself out.  I'm still adjusting to how my body is now and I will get there.  I know rationally I am not the size I used to be but certain things don't seem to be showing any difference.  I keep thinking I have a larger belly and thighs but then even when I was very thin as a child I remember thinking I had huge legs then.

As long as I keep exercising I know I will be ok and with that I know I will be keeping my weight down I also want to have ore energy and strength but I think that shall come when there is a bit more of adjustment to the seasonal change we are currently experiencing.  I find between seasons (esp the Wintry ones) I want to hermit and hibernate but I won't! I do have some exciting things planned this month in terms of film festivals coming up and stuff like that but I also need to conserve cash at the moment too so will look forward to having dinner party type things as well and just not partying all the time but seeing people in a more qualitative way. That to me is important as I think I would go a bit stir crazy if I didn't see my friends or E at varying points in the week.

Living alone and working alone is a completely different discipline in itself. I know I am getting used to that but at the same time I really enjoy it - in term of work.  Sometimes I feel a bit of cabin fever if I don't have any physical contact with someone but at the same time at least if I want company I can have it! But the same applies with space too.

Things do change though.  One day I could be living with someone or just live in a giant house with many rooms and only me in it.  I don't like the thought of that as recently the inner thoughts that surround having a house, wife and possibly children started ticking on my mind.  But at the same time I have little phases where these thoughts really hang around.

Still fate and time shall decide whether or not I shall have those things in life, and also I have been to a wedding recently, seen lots of wedding photographs and keep seeing through my facebook newsfeed that more and more people I know are either engaged, married, having kids or just popped out a sprog so really there is no escaping it.

For those who aren't they seem to have bought their own place, started baking or they have cats.

Everyone is growing up: I'm going to be 27 in January which is actually quite soon, come to think of it and within that I know that it means I am getting closer to the big 3-0 to which there are certain goals I want to have accomplished by then or I know I will be massively pissed off with myself.

Still the weight target is going well and now I have extended my goal now to go from 70kg to 65kg so that will give me something to work to and let's see if I can do it. Ideally before Christmas but after the festive period it will allow a bit of grace especially when there will be nice food that I won't be not eating. As I do love food a lot.

In my house forget porn mags I have millions of food magazines and I love reading about recipes and I do love cooking and eating.  I just have to control how much it likes me.

Keeping my body as it is now is important to me, especially as it helps in my transitioning as I don't have so many curves when I am slimmer.  I also want a bit more muscle definition and to feel that I have the shape that matches my mental image.  I'm almost there just have a bit more work to do on that.

But like a lot of things, time, effort and patience is what is required - bit like with some work things I am sorting through at the moment.  I need to find more content for my site as well as to network and collaborate with the right people.  All of which is happening but it's taking it's time and there are some people I know that are already 'on board' so to speak but with some others it will be a process of time and also once we launch I know people will have a clearer picture as to what we are about.  I really want this to work and I believe in it so that is good it's just like anything, you don't know what it will be like until it's turned out.

Once I completed a few projects at uni and released them I found my feelings and energy changed as not only was it made but it was pushed to its next level. That is what I need to push on with right now and I am doing so.

Everything shall fall into place soon enough.  Things are already happening but it's one little wave at a time.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010


I have been having one of those days today whereby a few things are just not making full sense and also a couple of other things are in limbo.  I've realised that limbo is a place and state that I am really quite uncomfortable with as it leaves space for potential speculation as well as just the thought of "what if?" Still I have learned a really good grounding technique of wanting to only concentrate on things happening that are actual fact rather than speculation.

So far it is working well but at the same time there is a mass of other thoughts that I am processing and dealing with and I know that following a health appointment on Thursday I shall either have a few things either confirmed or reassured.

It's annoying feeling that there could be something that is wrong, also having a feeling that something already is wrong.  Feeling under the weather too really isn't helpful at this stage either as I keep reminding myself that I am alive and I am not going to be ill. I really don't like the thought of that and if something is wrong then I shall have to deal with that and I can.  

Fortunately I have a mindset that is quite black and white when it comes to things like this, but with anything medical I can't stand the thought of either not knowing or as a good friend of mine would say all of this "hoo hah" over something that potentially be nothing.

But then there is the little niggling part that has that ever so unhelpful suggestive tone of "what if?" So far if I have had that moment then it has constituted of "What If?" can Fuck Off. It has worked well so far. But on the other scale I have found myself having more thoughts that surround experiencing and maintaining my goals of what I want to have out of life and what I want to create.

Nothing like a bit of a sense of mortality for sharpening the brain.  Which perhaps sounds a little morbid but it its true that we only get one life.

It makes me take note and account of times that I have been depressed and that I have had chunks of times whereby I feel I have wasted life a little down to stopping moving.  But at the same time these things do happen as do theses thoughts and no one is perfect and I am a firm believer that we learn from our experiences and respective histories.

Life is one of those ever evolving things and experiences that we have either individually and collectively do shape and mould us as people. If we don't get a knock or just live in a bubble then reality I think will bite you far harder than if you fall on your arse at least once in your life.

Still when everything is flux it's important to remember what you hold dear, who you love, who you care about and what it is you care about.  These are my main thoughts at the moment and that is what I concentrate on.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

There's No Place Like Home...

My eyes have been opened quite wide tonight as to how vile some men can be in the way they talk about women. I've realised that in some ways I have been a little naive in how I feel women are treated by men as a lot of the men I know and respect are very caring, sensitive and positive towards people as well as other human beings.

But on a train ride home from Brighton, in the carriage next to mine there was a group of 5 men who thought they had the carriage to themselves and didn't seem to think that there would be people in the other carriages and given that they had clearly had a few too many they were certainly not holding back any thoughts, comments and opinions on what they thought about women.

The nuggets of their vile opinions ranged from having an 'ugly girl' suck one of them off as it's not like he had to look at her, to which his friends all seemed to think that this was a great idea.

Conversation then moved onto what type of tits a woman 'should' have and that women with small tits or no tits 'should' be lesbians. Nice. Really charming bunch of men.  I wonder if they would have had this conversation if there were other women in the carriage. 
These are a couple of examples of what can only be described as a truly vile bunch of people. I don't want to write about the other things I heard as I will get more and more angry.

The lack of respect and objectification on this level was atrocious and I am really curious as to where they got it into their values system that acting like this is ok? 

I also admit that I did sit and do nothing. I'm not exactly proud of that but how I saw it was that there were 5 of them and 1 of me. I do hate situations like that, as I find I feel pissed off with myself at the end of it. I also admit that I didn't want to end up either crying or getting my head kicked in either.

Still this has left me thinking a little bit about how people behave and how they behave in different company. All of this false bravado and macho behaviour is disgusting.  I identify proudly as male but not that kind of male.

Still, fortunately I know a lot of lovely men who don't behave like that, nor would.

My bus journey back was a bit of a pain in the arse too as my bus seemed to have it's very own answer to 'The Peckham Terminator' only he was talking to himself, kept pacing up and down the bus and even bumped a couple of people to try and have a fight. Whilst still pacing, shouting, swearing and muttering crap and talking about cutting people up. Towards the end of my journey he did sit down and did start to be a little less aggressive (after seeing he was getting no reaction from anyone on the bus) but was still making noise for the sake of it and progressed to making clicky gesticulations at the window at himself.

I wanted to teleport myself back to the sanctuary of my flat very much so! Still I'm home now and apart from my journey back I had a really lovely and wonderful day so it's not all bad, and I won't let the actions of 6 idiots ruin my otherwise good day. 

I also learned that a combination of feeling slightly under the weather physically, feeling wet and cold coupled with PMS is not conducive to encountering tossbags of society. It can induce a feeling of wanting to shiver, kill, cry then die under a duvet.

Still tomorrow is another day and once I warm up and concentrate on the nicer points of life I know all shall feel lovely and fluffy once again.

Monday, 27 September 2010

Births, Marriages...

It seems at the moment I am seeing more and more people around me either getting pregnant, having a baby or they are getting married and in the place of babies they are getting litters of kittens instead. It's interesting once you find yourself in the age where quite a few of your peers are doing all of these grown up things.

Also stuff like buying a house, planning what to do with the rooms, finding a's all part of that thing called 'Growing Up'. It also marks the start of the old biological clock ticking too...

Mine has perked up a little, although the thought of having a baby of my own makes me feel a mixture of excitement as well as pure, unadulterated fear.  Firstly I won't be getting pregnant and also it won't be until I am more settled in my career and know that I can provide well for it.  To be honest I think I am more fussed about marriage than I am a child.

The more weddings I attend the more I feel my own little internal clock ticking.  I will never be a conventional husband by any stretch of the imagination but since being a tiddler myself I have always wanted to get married. Perhaps growing up in a house where I knew I would never have that placed on me as an expectation has in turn made me want to do it one day. But for the right reasons.  I would have wanted to have been with the person a while and I would be doing it for love rather than seeing it as an administration purpose.

Underneath my exterior I am a bit of a romantic at heart, but that doesn't mean I would give someone a bunch of carnations or anything like that! I do find myself swept away by certain romantic virtues, yet at the same time I seem to have a healthy measure of cynicism to keep everything from turning into a Hallmark sponsored puke fest.

I attended a wedding at the weekend that was truly wonderful.  The couple were some old school friends of mine and it was nice to see everyone else too that I haven't seen in what felt like centuries! Also most people there were aware of some of the changes as to who I was and I didn't encounter any problems or too many awkward questions so that was nice.  Not that I would have been that bothered either as how I see it is that with a wedding it's about the couple and not really anyone else. Therefore politics and anything else should where possible be left alone wherever possible.

I found this great piece about marriage written by Rilke:

"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky."

I really like this way of looking at marriage. 

Still I know I have more growing up to do before I think about such things, although in a few months I am to be 27, which to me means I have to ramp things up in terms of moving a few things along so that I am in the place I want to be by the time I am 30. As I learned last week, a lot can happen in a year as well as how fast a year can go. 3 years sounds like a long time but the things I want to do in that time shall mean it's all going to whizz by rather quickly.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Gender Identity Disorder

That is now the title that is officially on my medical records as of today. I saw my new GP in order to start the process of getting a referral to go to Charing Cross to talk to one of the people there. Luckily he was very positive and had a very 'can-do' type of attitude which was massively reassuring.

He told me that I shall be the first person he has referred and seemed positive and happy to do so which I felt so happy inside. All of this feeling prepared to fight around some of the barriers I thought were in place weren't there. We'll see how proactive he is but he seemed very willing.

He also showed me on the computer for stuff to start regarding gender that there is a variety of labels.  Some included 'Childhood Gender Identity Disorder' 'Transexualism' as well as Gender Identity Disorder.  He too added that he thought it wasn't very 21st Century and like me we both seemed equally intrigued by the weird and wonderful world of gender labels in place in terms of medical classifications.

It doesn't bother me to have this on my record, I don't exactly see it as a badge of honor but I am glad things have started moving and that he seemed to want to help.  He actually said that he will do everything he can to support me. Which meant a lot to me and I wasn't expecting that.

I had another medical matter too which he wanted to help with too.

My previous GP wasn't so good or even there a lot of the time which was a main reason I have been putting things off slightly.  Also if I am entirely honest I wanted to give things at least a year to be fully sure that I want to start changing my name and then completing the other processes in order to transition further.

Also I feel so surprised by today as in the past I have had a few doctors that haven't been so good.  I had one that you would have to have at least three appointments with showing the same symptoms before he would do anything. He also seemed to like making you feel as if you were a hypochondriac too.  Which I must add I think I am far from.  I'm rarely ill, and I only ever see a doctor if I absolutely need to as for the most part if I can get something over the counter I will. In about three years I think I have been to the doctor about 6 times to put it into context. 

I feel ready to embark on stage two. I am aware that because I don't want to take T that this might not be easy but at the same time I do know of others who aren't taking T, so I know it's possible but I also know it will involve a lot of things that tick the right boxes. These things are never as fluid as what identity we hold. But that's life.

I don't feel sad about it but just more determined to make sure I do everything I can to do this. Every path in life has it's requisite bumps and sometimes annoying shit to deal with but that is what being a grown up is all about.

I have started doing more reading around how to change my name and then the other processes involved as to getting things like bank cards and information changed over, then there will be official documents too.  It's a lot of red tape but ultimately I know it will be worth it.

I can't wait to receive post that says 'Mr Montgomery' on it, as at present having 'Miss Leng' feels wrong.  I nearly returned some mail to sender the other day on account of it having 'Miss Leng across the front of it and then I reminded myself that I am of that name in terms of the law.

Still I'll get there, one snail mail paper chase at a time...

Monday, 20 September 2010

I am 1!

It's a bit odd to be writing this as a one year old man. Almost makes me feel like I am potty trained or something like that. Still, it makes sense in its own little way.  This weekend I became 1, and it has been an interesting year.  I wonder what else the year has in store for me, but then I always have thoughts like that surrounding any type of birthday and it's nice to have another birthday that isn't in Winter. 

I had a lovely week in the run up to my birthday. E took me to the River Cafe for dinner and it was amazing.  I wrote a review about it and I could easily go there once a week if finances permitted. I can also see what the fuss about the place is and I can also see from reading the cookbooks why Nigella Lawson said she could "cook her way through the book and never get bored" or words to that effect.

Over the weekend I saw some old friends who are getting married next weekend and saw the venue for their ceremony and it was lovely.  Also spent the weekend watching lots of films as E wasn't feeling so well but was also nice to chill and not do much other than mentally map the odd work thing and watch more DVDs. I have fallen in love with the film place at the bottom of my street as it is only a tenner a month for unlimited rentals which is very credit crunch friendly I must say and also with Winter looming I do sometimes hermit a bit and at least watching stuff gives access to a bit more culture. Also where films are concerned I feel I am massively behind in terms of what I have seen from what I haven't seen, but I suppose books are like that too.

We could read and watch everything yet still feel a slight deficit but at the same time it's important to enrich and expand the mind and look outwards instead of inwards.

That is something I haven't always got right but like anything it's a process of learning and where the will starts the mind and action follows. I do sometimes get moments where I feel like a piece of shit but at the same time I know the only person who can change that is myself and logically there is a willful determination not to feel like a piece of shit or want to feel that way.

It's not always easy but then in comparison to many things everyone has their own things to deal with and learn from. Especially when you are in your mid-twenties.  In many ways I see it almost like a second adolescence before you hit your thirties whereby some of your shit gets ironed out more.  Well I have noticed that a bit from people I have noticed that have departed their twenties at least.

It's also the time where the fruits of your labour have started paying off too, for those that are heavily focussed on job, house and money etc. I do have certain things in my minds eye as to where I want to be but I also have other goals too.

I like having them as that way I know where I'm at and it also gives me a sense of structure to what I am working towards and what I shall achieve within that. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for me. It also is something that makes me happy.

To be happy and content that is also something that comes from within. Also something that an individual must want otherwise you will be trapped. Just like to love to one's full capacity there has to be an open heart. But that is a puzzle we work with all the time.

Fear is the main thing that holds us back and sometimes I get sick of feeling weighed down by fear, but the frustration comes from knowing that I allowed myself to feel it in the first place.  It still doesn't mean I will become naive and pretend things aren't happening but shit sometimes does happen in life but it's how we deal with it all and cope that matters.  That is how we survive.

I also think it's wise to be patient with certain things too.  In a sense I am glad I am not having surgery straight away as I know when it comes to do it I shall be ready and would have lived longer in role and I will know for definite that this is what I really want.  Desire is there of course and I really can't wait for the day that I shall just be able to wear clothes without a binder underneath but until then I need to work hard to change my body and make it more of what I want it to be.

I won't be taking the Sinitta approach though.

My current method is working so far.  I'm now the slimmest I have ever been and I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with myself as a result and the changes I have made I am pleased that I have done it myself.

My plans for this next year shall be work, work and more work! But then I will be glad when the website I am working on content for shall be launched and then the 'live' work from that shall start. It's interesting as I am not sure where it will go but I like that it is something fresh and new and within that there is always something that spirals from it.

Monday, 13 September 2010


Usually I used to find the month of September an uneventful time but since last year September shall always be special to me as this was when all my changes started.

I remember this time last year (on this day) I was photographing a wedding, I was surrounded by lovely queer folk and I was gearing up to visit San Francisco, alone. I was excited, nervous and thought my search of queer adventures abroad would be fulfilling and exciting.  I had also just started dating someone who is now a really good friend of mine and someone I work with fantastically.

But yes, with my trip there was when Bean gave me an old binder and I haven't taken it off since (metaphorically). It took until December before I started being known as Leng to everyone. But I shall feel that my transitionary birthday shall always be September 18th.

I haven't updated in a while because I have been so busy, having more foreign adventures (this time we were in Berlin) and I have also been working lots too.  I feel as if I have a never ending pile of work but one day I shall be clear.  If I put in the hours and make the right contacts then I shall be square. The anxiety that comes with doing something new for once isn't holding me back but it is making me feel a strong sense of wanting everything to work. I want something to stand by in the next 6 months and show that since University I am doing something with my life and that the magical thing known as a 'career' is something taking place.

We now have business cards that look amazing (E designed them) and I need to have something solid to show people soon so that all of these things we are doing are not in vain. I don't believe in that. I am also feeling a nagging something within me to make something of myself and to create something.  I know I am capable of these things, to be entirely honest the only thing holding me back now would be myself and I can't afford to fuck up on that kind of level. Nor do I want to. 

I also don't want to be one of those people who talk about their grand plans of life and never make anything materialise from that. Again that is something that does pop up in my mind quite frequently. 

The more I see friends of mine buying houses, getting married, having children, buying another kitten or traveling the world it is making some clock inside me tick louder. I sometimes feel that I am behind in terms of achievement but then I do remind myself that quite a lot of my friends are older than me so of course we won't be in the same place in terms of career, love, life and relationships.  Despite my grey hairs I remind myself that I am only 26, but that to me doesn't matter.  I need to work hard to make sure I achieve what I want.

Certain things I do think about and would like out of life I know shall mostly be debated by fate. Especially when you have a life that is so fast changing sometimes. Bu at the same time I am so glad that I have left some elements of my previous life behind as I wasn't happy. At least now I know I am living the life that is right for me, I am loved and I am feeling it a whole lot more than I ever did before.  I also feel I love with more of a whole heart as I feel I am growing more into the person that I have always been underneath various layers of confusion and fat.

The scales have been very kind with me lately and finally I am starting to feel more comfortable in my physical skin - with exception to having breasts but they will be removed one day so for the time being I try and think about parts of me that I do like and that I am comfortable about. 

I do this as I know that otherwise I would drive myself (as well as others around me) up the wall. Although that sometimes can't be avoided I try not to do things deliberately as I think it is important to take responsibility for one's own actions as much as possible.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Time of The Month

Today has been the start of many things, new job, I've lost more weight, I'm now a tax payer once again oh and my period.

I sometimes find it strange now to have them.  I find it funny whenever I have to buy tampons as sometimes I get looks from shop keepers that suggest I am a nice chap for buying tampons for my girlfriend...little do they know they are for me.  I even find it strange to sometimes talk about periods, even though I have been having them for the past 13 years.

I can't say I like them or have ever liked them but the main thing I don't like about them so much isn't the cramps but I don't like having tenderness on my breasts as let me tell you something when you bind it really hurts. It feels almost masochistic to have them strapped to me but at the same time I can't leave the house without a binder on I really can't.

It's exactly like the types of women who refuse to leave the house without make-up and that is how I feel about my binder. I know there are health implications attached to binding long term but at the same time I don't like not wearing it. It feels wrong and also I do want to remove my breasts, the sooner the better.

I made one step in changing my name a little, I have now changed my email over and everything at work  other than bank details are in my new name rather than old name.  I will have to get the ball moving soon on getting rid of my legal name. It feels weird when I see it as I sometimes have moments where I have found myself thinking "who is that" usually followed by "duh".

I don't feel a sense of anything towards it other than it being the name I use for administration purposes. I am starting to feel more and more ready to advance in terms of name changes and all the legal things. I also can't wait until I start making plans for surgery.  I definitely plan to be breast free by the time I am 30. I also plan to have taken over the world and found a way to exterminate mosquitoes too but I think the chest is a more realistic goal to make.

I like targets and things to look forward to as these are things that provide structure.  I have discovered that feeling I am in limbo or just floating along doesn't sit too well with me.  I like to know where I am at and what I am doing and what is expected of me and then it seems I thrive. I also love the satisfaction of crossing off tasks on a To-Do List and the sense of achievement that brings. I also like starting the day early in the gym as that helps me focus on my day ahead.

Still all work and no play makes for a dull boy but its good in terms of saving on money.  I have continued to have foreign adventures.  Following Corsica, E and I did the crazy thing and had a week in London, followed by a weekend in Switzerland.  Over the Bank Holiday we stayed in London too and she took me to the most amazing restaurant is called Asia de Cuba and firstly I have to say that I was spoiled rotten in there and the place was amazing like really, really stunningly amazing. The food though is well worth sampling but I must warn you of one thing, this place ruins you for life.  No where else seems to do fusion cuisine with the finesse these people have.

Needless to say my taste buds were seduced and scandalised within a couple of mouthfuls.

The food portions were humongous, I defy anyone to leave there hungry and it was a wonderful evening.  Although E was suffering quite a bit with a bit of an injury to the coccyx (and no I didn't cause it before any of you raise an eyebrow) she seemed to have a lovely time too.

Still I shall be writing a separate review of that on Qype so there will be more to report on that next time I blog.