Monday, 6 December 2010

Jingle All The Way...

The festive season has arrived and already I can see cash evaporating before my very eyes.  This is with the proviso of being careful.  Still I have decided that next year will be different, such as starting any shopping I have really early, like what I used to do.  Still, it's not a bad problem as such, I am just increasingly aware that this time of year gets expensive in terms of being out more, and the pressures to be doing more or the expectation that because it's December that everyone shall be on a splurgeathon.

Still it's good to enjoy one's self too, but that to me doesn't have to come from spending lots of money.  I find sometimes some of the best things to be had and experienced come from enjoying things such as spending time with friends, having coffee, meeting up in someones house stuff like that.

I also love ritzy exciting nights too as well as having something to look forward to as well.  That to me is a wonderful thing, looking forward to things and planning things, but not to the point whereby there is no space left for something spontaneous to happen.  The truth is we never fully know what will happen next or will be around the corner.

Life definitely works in mysterious ways sometimes. For the good or bad it has taught me one thing well and that is never to become overly complacent. But sometimes I do have to remind myself not to go too much of the other way either whereby I forget to enjoy and embrace what is happening presently either.

I find balancing lots of things is sometimes slightly challenging as I know that at some stage I will end up contradicting myself.


I'm not against it with others but for me it really scares me.  There are already a few biological things changing in me right now that I can feel and there are certain things that T would accelerate in me. To what extent I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to find out as I still feel unsure as to who I am and what I am doing in terms of transitioning.

But then I have started to feel a curiosity as to what would happen if I took a bit...I know the changes wouldn't be dramatic or as effective if I was to take it for 6 months or even a year.  But I am sometimes curious as to what it would be like.  I know I will have to find a few people willing to chat to me about it more before I make any informed decisions.  Also I would want to make sure I wasn't tempted to try it out of it being a reaction to feeling I am not passing well as male.

I hate the whole pressure surrounding wanting to pass and I am aware that sometimes I can be a little bit reactive to a situation. But at the same time we all react in different ways but for me something that is important is maintaining that I am doing things out of choice and not out to succumbing to any pressures.  Changing anything about an identity is no easy task and it's also a very individual and personal process. I'm also aware that if I was to start taking hormones, that by no direct means holds the keys to my inner happiness.  That shall always come from within and also come from how strong my desire is to be happy.

Presently I'm not the happiest I have been but at the same time I am not miserable either, but currently residing somewhere in the middle. With how hectic this month is already a part of me is seeking some quiet time.  I know that this will happen over Xmas as things tend to slow down and also Xmas day and Boxing day are always quiet and in some senses 'Dead Days' I know I will get to turn my brain off a little then and not feel that I am a machine that is continually whirring...well not at the rate it has been anyhow.  I am always plotting and full of thoughts.  That will never change.

What I do with my thoughts and how I apply them next is what I would consider phase two of my own development. I don't really depend on anyone to help me or provide me with answers with a lot of this stuff as people don't or won't.  I also think it's important to not rely on others and to not rely on the protection of others.

But the only downside is that it does feel really lonely sometimes and I do feel a bit isolated at times from this.  I know today I am definitely feeling it a bit, but at the same time I know in my heart that I will get through this and that its good that I am doing this mostly alone.

I feel as if there isn't much that anyone could or would be able to help with realistically, especially as I haven't quite figured out yet what I am doing in regard to a number of things right now.  Because of this I do silence myself in regard to a few things as there isn't a point trying to explore something that I either don't understand or just feel.  Without it having a rational route around it.

For example I sometimes have days whereby I feel pain on the inside and it would be for no apparent reason.  But something inside hurts.  I also sometimes get thoughts whereby I feel I am not so close to people I care about or that they don't care which again I know factually isn't true but at the same time sometimes certain feelings make no sense, and at present a lot of what I feel makes very little sense.  Other than things I know I am 100% clear on.  Thankfully I am not feeling confused when it comes to other matters of the heart so that is a comfort.

I do however feel I have lost a bit of my inner sparkle and I would like that back.  This confused silent standoff that is currently taking place in my heart is making me feel that I am set slightly apart from others, and ultimately I know that is pulling down on me a little.

Still like any negative feeling on the inside the key is to manage it, acknowledge it but to work against it and not let it win.  Especially as the roots of it are born from something relatively straightforward.

The answers and resolve I am seeking will come to me, but I just have to be a little bit more patient and remember to pay attention to what is going on. Otherwise I will sink if I don't look for solutions as to how to progress with all of this.

1 comment:

  1. That detached feeling could be down to you being a "creative". I know it is for me, and it's just something that will always be there. It's just the downside of seeing and feeling too much, which is what we need to make good art.It can feel lonely sometimes, but I don't think we can get rid of it. As the great Marvin Gaye sings "the artist pays the price, so you don't have to pay..."