Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Piggy In The Middle

I feel like I am in the middle. I know I have said before that I feel I am between two genders and I think at present the feelings around that are really starting to come to a head.  I'm also still confused about one or two things. My sense of connection with a lot of things feels disjointed and a spark I feel a lot of the time is somewhat diluted.

Still I know it's a phase I am going through, and although not pleasant I don't want to turn into a miser about it all. I did choose this and I do want to change things about myself and who I am. It's not always a walk in the sunshine.

This is the thing with life, we never truly know what is around the corner or what surprises it may or may not have in store for us.

It sounds quite negative in some respects, but with some of what I am feeling right now I am starting to think that it is part of some of the transitioning process. This is what happens when a person is stuck in the middle and patience is required in order to work out what is needed next and also how to process and cope with things going on. It's also offered me a slight push as to what I am going to do next with all of this. I actually don't know. I've come very far in some respects but then there is a part of me that is thinking what am I doing? I feel out of place with myself more than anything else.

I don't even know what I need right now, realistically.  I would like to not feel pain and feel that I am sinking because there are certain days where I start to feel petrified that my whole world is going to crash and burn. I worry my connections with friends and people close to me are diluting and all in all this disjointed feeling is making me feel lonely and in a lot of ways invisible. I say invisible as I sometimes find that I behave in certain ways that I feel is for the benefit of others. Partly because I don't want to upset people or drive them away with my own crap. It's not fair on them.

With it being party season everyone is in that mode, which is great.  I feel vestiges of it but also there are parts of me that feel more and more alone. It's a weird sensation to have and feels wrong on so many levels.  I know I have great friends, people who care about me a lot but at the same time I feel very lonely on the inside.  I feel everyone has a nice connection with the world apart from me. I feel a sense of disconnection because I don't feel comfortable with myself.

Right now I don't care who knows this from who doesn't anymore.  I can't hide it well anyway. On a positive note I know that once I find my own comfortable space again I will feel ok. I will stop feeling this asphyxiation and I will stop feeling so heavy on the inside.

I hate knowing that there is a negative cloud lingering over my head, I find it quite irritating as I know that I am not a miserable git, I remind myself in almost mantra style that life is wonderful and great and many other things but this feeling in the middle thing is really hurting for some reason.

With some patience I know I can make this stop, and I will.

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