Wednesday, 15 December 2010

On Side

I never fail to be pleasantly surprised by my GP.  I arrived home today to discover he had written to me. Explaining that he had taken time to research things about referral processes, and he even added that he had intentionally omitted specific details from the letter to me but also said I could get in touch with him if I wanted to talk about anything.

He really is a nice chap, and does seem proactive about things.  I think it's a shame that we become predisposed to expecting health services to be useless.  Still I am lucky to have a GP like him that seems to want to assist with my transitioning process.

It makes me feel a bit better about it and it's nice knowing that I don't have to claw my way through that as well. I may not be passing well at the moment but at least my GP wants to help. It's also something that is positive.

I like the warmth that comes with that.

Had a nice lunch with my Mum today and all was well, waitress very chatty and all felt nice until the end when she called us both ladies. Still It made me think of a few things.

Firstly when in public I have to remember to drop my voice more and perhaps alter my body language slightly.  I think soon I will go to a cafe and people watch and observe how men sit, and express themselves.

The same happened in a shop today too, as I bought something was called sir, felt happy with that and then the shop assistant apologised and changed name to 'madam'. There was also a big queue behind me and I did feel a little bit embarrassed, yet at the same time I accept that this seems to be the norm. I am convinced they can small oestrogen coming from me and it's something I have to swallow.

It is a bitter pill and it does make me feel like shit but at the same time a part of me in a slight flouncy sense is starting to think and feel that I shouldn't expect to pass and maybe take it as a bonus when I do pass.

Who knows?

I know I am sensitive to it at the moment too, so perhaps on that scale I have to find ways not to feel as if I have been slapped in the face whenever that happens. Not everything is easy and some of this I feel is a lesson from somewhere that is pushing me and I feel I am learning something.  I need to learn to be less sensitive.

There is a part of me I know I need to switch off as I feel that is what is giving me away. I sometimes wish I wasn't so sensitive to things - that is the difference to being a boy to being a man. The infant state of Leng seems to want to be nurtured yet I don't quite know in what way.

It's also something you don't exactly say you need. Females in a strereotypical way are ones that we are socially conditioned to protect and in some ways 'look after'.  Yet men are meant to be bashed and knocked around because men are not supposed to have feelings or vulnerabilities it seems.

The conundrum continues and I will ascertain what exactly it is that is happening.  Until then I have to grit my teeth, keep thinking forward and remember to breathe and reflect on how well I have done rather than think of where I think I am failing.

In this past year I have experienced a lot and am doing a lot and that is how I like things to be. The world doesn't stop moving or changing and neither do we as people.

The key in all of this is not to submit to allowing negative feelings to consume from the inside.  It is a battle right now but I know I will win, because one thing in all of this is that I didn't decide to transition for nothing.  The feelings I have, didn't come from nowhere and this isn't a phase.

If it was a phase I would have stopped, but I am determined to keep going and along the way of this journey there are going to be bumps and I will have to take the odd knock.

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