It sounds like a University marking scheme but this week it seems the story of my life. I am convinced that my masculine armour is failing me. Either that or people can smell my oestrogen. I haven't passed on trains, in a couple of shops now and even in a restaurant.
The exposed slightly 'ashamed' feeling that I seem to feel really baffles me as I freeze. I know I should drop my voice a bit and correct someone but in those situations I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach and I also feel very exposed.
I also find myself picking faults within myself...I think to myself that I should have binded my chest better, made my voice more masculine, maybe worn more scent, made my hair look more manly...or perhaps that I need to lose more weight so that I don't have any feminine curves or much shape around my face, and try and look like a boney man, well without going completely anorexic.
I am feeling right now that I am in a no man's land, quite literally. Instead I flit between the gender camps like some rogue renegade that isn't part of either gender camp. It is exciting to be different but it can feel a bit lonely too. Every journey will be individual and unique to each person but sometimes I feel I am on the outside of a bubble looking in. I am seeking some sort of internal validation but I just wish I knew what it was exactly. I know I could then make a lot more sense to as in a situation like this if people don't have a clue or I can't explain well enough about what is happening then how will anyone know? Why should they understand either?
People owe me nothing in terms of support. I need to understand more from within and I hate to feel I do rely on people. But there is a part of me that is struggling a little but the really irritating thing is that I so far can't exactly identify what. This is starting to bug me on a scale that I didn't quite realise.
On having a lovely chocolately biscuit fuelled conversation with a great friend of mine, I did find a few things coming up. This did feel like a relief, and I felt I was getting a little bit closer to what it is bubbling away in this internal stew.
But it's not all doom and gloom, certain things are hurting now but I refuse to feel flattened by it. I can't operate like that otherwise I wouldn't get up in the morning and this is a right of passage. I am sure every person that has changed gender or questioned their gender has encountered some stage of feeling odd and out of place. It can be scary but at the same time I will make sure I face as many fears as possible and just be honest with myself.
I confirmed my appointment today for the 18th of January so I will be preparing for that. I know by the time comes I have some time to think and consider what I might be feeling or what I might understand in a more clear manner then.
I also have Christmas to think about too. I have about 3 presents to buy (about 20 I have fastasized about) and so far am not feeling as hating of the period as I usually do. Also this year I am excited about on some levels. It will be the first one in years I will be celebrating with a partner for the actual day which will be nice. I also have a few things up my sleeve then but given certain eyes read my blog I shall divulge or not as the case maybe.
But my main points of survival right now are to breathe a lot, drink tea and try not to be hard on myself. The answers I am seeking will come but I know I have to bite down and take the rough with the smooth.