Wednesday, 25 January 2012


It would seem that I survived 27.  I knew it would be a momentous year in some respects and 2011 certainly provided me with many different hurdles to conquer.

But I got through it and did what needed to be done.

At the same time it pushed me further into the man I am now. I don’t feel like the scared little flower that feels lost. I feel a lot more confident and self assured.  More so than I have ever felt before.

I think there is a bit of a T-Surge happening at the time of writing this, but at the same time I am enjoying the energy that comes with it. It’s nice to be in a position whereby I am finally starting to feel positive thoughts towards myself, and others.

I can actually feel people’s kindness more than I used to.

For many years I hated myself with a passion.  I found myself very unattractive and felt like I was trapped in the wrong identity. I would go out and get as drunk as possible at times to numb myself off and help me forget that I was stuck in the shell I was in.

In my earlier twenties I was a walking hemorrhaging lump. There were things that happened when I was younger that shouldn’t have and I was trying to gloss over what it was. 

This was sandwiched in-between trying to be comfortable being female yet feeling gay and knowing that I liked women but also thought myself a boy in many respects.

This little spiral made my head spin at the best of times. I hung out in varying company never feeling I quite fitted anywhere.  I felt a 90% fit with the lesbian community with a further 5% alignment with gay men and the remaining 5% was a very clear ‘unknown’ category in my mind.

There was something but I just didn’t know what.

It was only until 2009 that suddenly something happened towards the end of a very teary and painful summer. Yet in between that there were glimpses.  I had met L in that time and was dating her after my relationship with S ended.  After that I was celibate for 3 months then after seeing L in what was an open situation, I only slept with a further 2 people before I started seeing E.

This was a bit of a change from the old me that would have as many one-night stands as was humanly possible.  One thing that was clear in all of this; I was horny but I didn’t want to be massively close with people.

I am not against casual sex or one night stands or flings; if they are straightforward, honest and unapologetic then fine.

I don’t agree with headfuck flings that get unnecessarily complicated or over emotionally loaded where it need not be the case but that is a different rant altogether.

I also don’t believe in having a relationship for the sake of having one either. It’s a waste of time if anything else.  That to me is like self imposed prison.

But then I never did quite do things by the book or was much of a crowd pleaser.

This years birthday was one of the best I have ever had.

I got to see most of the people I wanted to see.  I didn’t feel so anxious or stressed like I usually do before a birthday.  I saw 90% of the friends I wanted to see.  I had a great meal with family the night before and a relatively relaxed day in the build up to birthday happening.

All I had to do in terms of preparation was to supply a list of people to invite and then E and K finished off some of the invitations and E organized where we would be eating and going to afterwards.

Couldn’t ask for anything better than that really.

I received some very thoughtful gifts from my friends too which was really touching.  I wasn’t expecting presents but it’s always nice to be pleasantly surprised. 

Reading through a lot of my cards was really nice and made me feel rather loved which is always welcome.

I don’t know what has happened inside but I can honestly say that for what feels like one of the first times in my life I actually feel happy, as in really happy and it’s a sustained happy.

I have things that irritate me but overall my heart feels content. 

If there are things that are negative I feel I am moving into a position whereby I can find a way to make things better or can find a way to positively change a situation. 

If it means I remove myself then that too is an option that I am not scared to incorporate if it means that it benefits the entire situation as a whole.

Since taking testosterone I am feeling it is helping my confidence grow in a way that I needed it to.  I also think physically I pass more for male, which has helped me feel more complete within my identity.  I have a Male passport and documents as to who I say I am.

All of these things are important, as I am who I say I am. Feeling that I am living an honest life is very important to me.

This comes up a lot but then if you’ve only had one identity then I don’t expect you to understand this.

If you’re comfortable being who you were born as then I commend that, but if not then you can change things if you really want that.  The more people I meet who have transitioned the more positive I feel about this.

The main thing I have embraced recently is that I have done the right thing and knowing this has made it easier for me to progress with other things as I feel I am steering myself onto the correct course I need to be on for the rest of my life.

I am also starting to find that there is less negativity around me because I am happier within myself, so perhaps I am not noticing it as much or because I know what it is like I know how to handle that.

Depression is something that I do have, but I have recently started learning how to handle it a lot better than I did before and now I just want to continue doing that as I know that if I have a down day or a stress filled day that I can handle it and I can emerge.

It feels like it’s time to do so.  I’m not finishing there though.  I have other plans too but will see how next few months go before I start phasing them in.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Waiting For The Break

My voice is deepening a lot at the moment which is really nice.  I am not squeaking half as much as I thought I would and if I have the odd moment i do find it funny so all in all that is a bit of a relief.

The only discomforts at the moment is that I keep feeling my throat being really scratchy but luckily I don't seem to have any glands raised or any indicators that this is what it is, but I could be wrong. I just don't want to get ill right before my birthday as that would really suck .

But I will keep having lemsip as a precaution as I recently had antibiotics so might have weakened my immune system. I have a felt more run down but can't work out of it's the T or if it's just this time of year.  I had some hairs growing a bit more on my arms last week and found my arm really hurt from where coarser hair was trying to come through, but that made me feel a bit like a wimp.  Oh and my right arm keeps getting pins and needles and my hand goes numb.

I think I might have knocked something though.

Either ways things will rectify themselves and my body is craving rest more than anything else only there is a lot to do.

Christmas and New Year were amazing and being in Japan was wonderful but I feel since the middle of December I have just been go-go-go-go and I feel really tired sometimes.  Still I will get some rest soon and am taking whatever rest I can at the moment in the interim as well as making sure stuff gets done that needs doing.

I am also taking as much mental space as I can.  I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I have my Charing Cross appointment next week which is now starting to weigh on my mind, as those kinds of appointments always make me wobble a bit. 

I hate feeling like I have to prove myself to medical professionals and that what I need relies on them.  I hate relying on anyone. It's a strange feeling that consumes me sometimes but I hate feeling that I need anyone.

I am aware that I am a bit strange sometimes.

For example I spend a good chunk of my life avoiding relationships, yet at the same time I want to marry one day and when in a relationship I will quite often be in one for quite a significant period of time. When in one I will want to be committed, ideally live with the person and have a nice harmony, still manage to balance off seeing someone regularly with managing to date them like we first met each other...well that's my ideal.

I have been with E now for coming up to 2 years. I've never had a relationship go past two years really so would like to find a way of making it last and maintaining mutual happiness, and experiencing longevity.

I see people that marry or want to marry and seem to have that harmony formula sorted and don't seem to worry like I do.  But then I do recon some people have similar anxieties, only they don't seem to talk about it.

Relationships do consume a lot of my thoughts.  I like to feel close to people I care about and feel that they want to be close to me. Hence why fluctuations in a relationship with someone that is a friend or family can feel really horrible sometimes. I used to feel really unsettled by it but now I feel better at not feeling so awful if something isn't what it was. 

I find it's best to make the most of what is happening currently and to look after and nurture relationships and friendships but sometimes things change and that isn't such a bad thing.

in 2009 when I started transitioning I made a deal with myself and that was not to be scared about facing things in life.  So far it has gone well.  I don't feel that things scare me as much as they used to and I sometimes feel a bit freaked out or weirded out by certain situations but I refuse to freeze.

If I stop in that type of situation then anxiety or negativity wins.

Still the more toward the end of my twenties I come the more confident I am becoming.  Even if it feels like its happening in mini steps.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Miss Leng Leng Returns!

She seems to have made a triumphant return to my prescriptions this week.  With not one more thing dispensed to that name but three.

I felt like something above me was mocking me and having a good old laugh at the same time.

Miss Leng Leng...the sheer name and stance of it is enough to make me feel repulsed from the inside.  Yes I used the word repulsed because the side of me that thought it was funny is now starting to feel less enthused by this fuck up.

Yet the comedy name has its uses and seems to generate a few laughs and awareness to what a screwed situation this is.

What bores me about this is knowing that it's all about waiting and some department having the right form, the right box ticked before commencing a next stage in being able to safely categorise me so that way I can continue my life as smoothly and peacefully as I can.

This is what I hope.

Otherwise I think I shall invest in some ping pong balls and suck it up and spit it out in my own special way. Perhaps in the realm of my fantasies but nevertheless this will be acted out somewhere.

My sense of humor will return soon enough too once I lift out of whatever mood I'm in.  I say this as I write this my mood has dipped a bit from what it has been the last few days. I don't feel that some aspects of my life seem to want to work in my favor right now at all and I am in a situation (not related to Miss Leng Leng) where I would just like there to sometimes be a bit of let up or space for me to be and express myself without some obstacle getting in the way.

I feel a mixture of all sorts.  Some of this is because my pre-birthday freak out is looming.  I didn't like my birthday much last year for various reasons and this year I am feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing.  I feel very torn about a number of things right now and I know that the only person who can pull me out of this is myself.

I know once it comes I will feel fine but in the meantime I have to ride this out.  Especially as the only person who can help me right now is me.  Even if other people could help I don't want to rely on other people.

My mind blip and slight anguish will pass.  The nagging feelings of things I need to do and things I want to be will get done by the time I am 30.  Only there is a side of me that wants to feel a level of accomplishment with one or two personal goals now.

Instead of achieving it I feel slightly frozen right now, paralysed by the sheer thoughts that are swirling around in my head right now.

A little switch off is required and will happen.  Rebalance will occur and all shall be right again, I know it I just need the process to happen.

I have that next appointment on my mind too.  I know I will get what I need form the service and I am in a position where I will be able to weigh up a few more options, yet there is a part of me that feels slightly concerned that they will reject something I need.

Given the stage I am at in my T cycle right now has left me feeling quite lethargic both physically and emotionally and right now I feel awful.  I don't feel very loved or special and I know rationally that this isn;t the case but it doesn't stop these feelings and therefore the added extra annoyance of feeling lonely yet rationally I live in a house of six people.

I see people every day.

I hear them, I talk to them yet I still feel lonely.

In terms of my immediate goals that I want to achieve I have a website to get up. More projects to make. Have the Birthday.  Get next shot. Apply for GRC. Continue paperchase with NHS to get proper name on everything.

Long term I want to find a way of pulling myself out of dippy moods ideally before they happen and learn to frown less.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Lost in Translation

Happy New Year!

I never thought I would be sat in a hotel room in Japan writing a blog post but here we are.

I like the surprises that life can throw our way - well as long as it's positive.  Curve balls that are more like cannon balls I think I have had my fair share of.

New Year has arrived and with that are the usual thoughts, surrounding thoughts, dreams goals and how to make them into actions.

This New Year's Eve was spent in a very serene way.  E and I went to a small shrine near our hotel in Shinjuku, Tokyo and were surrounded by strangers and people around the temple. There were food stalls with street foods consisting of noodles, soup, beef curry and Octopus balls - which I had some of.

The countdown happened very quietly then we heard a lot of excited cheers and then people smiling and squeaking and it was then we knew that Midnight had happened.

This time last year E and I were in New York, well Brooklyn to be precise.  After a nice dinner near Bowery we went back and watched some of the fireworks and then revelled in the energy of night.

In Tokyo it was the peacefulness that we both appreciated.

I am still slightly in shock that I am here in Japan as since I was a child I wanted to come here. The people are wonderful over here, I really like how polite and how beautifully they do things.

For example just a simple lunch will always be presented beautifully.  There is a charming way in which a receipt will be delivered to you as well as how you are handed your change.

But more gobsmacking is the architecture - new and old. Tokyo has a plethora of neon and makes you feel that you are in the future.  Whereas Kyoto has an oldness about it that makes your jaw hit the floor.

The thing I have been enjoying most has been the food. I love Japanese food and have found that living on the noodle soups they have here has been just the thing for winter. 

I don't crave potatoes, I don't want curry I just want clean soup.
Especially dark, salty consomme esq broths with udon or soba floating in there.  Especially with a few flecks of greens or some tofu, or some ebi tempura...

or just some plain miso or a ramen that makes you realise that Wagamama serves you dishwater in comparison.

The broth here knocks the s*it out of what you get in England.

We did go for sushi last night and that was incredible. We watched as the sushi chefs greeted people loudly and cheered as people arrived and left.  We selected what we wanted from a convenient picture menu and a few minutes later our little feasts arrived.

I did feel slightly nervous about eating sushi right in front of the chef but I seemed to be doing all the right things.  From a sushi making course I did I remembered everything my teachers told me about the correct way of eating sushi and before I took my first piece of nigiri in my chopsticks I found myself almost mechanically remembering everything we had been told.

So to start with I began with the Tomago - and it was sweet yet slightly far so good.  I then worked on to the squid which I usually can't stand but now I get why you can eat it raw. The Tuna was the best I've ever had, it literally melted, as did everything else. 

I also liked that here you can get tofu skin in food and that too is a lovely texture and delicate flavour.

Amidst this I was cautious not to dip the rice in the soy sauce, nor to load the dish with loads of wasabi (I didn't put any last night) and from the chef's glances and smiles and thumbs up I gathered I was eating it all correctly.

E had sashimi so she got the slightly easier end of the bargain!

it was a joy to be sat in a place buzzing with atmosphere.  This was our first sushi experience in Japan and one of my happiest sushi memories so far.

On Friday it is E's Birthday and aside my mini freak out as to what sort of gift to give her. I say this because she surprised me on Christmas day with the flights to Japan - but she assured me that this was a combined gift as Christmas, Birthday and our 2 year anniversary have all come together pretty much  at once. 

Still I don't see this as a competition or tit-for-tat situation but at the same time I know that a bag of wasabi peranuts isn't going to be a great way to show matter how good they taste!

Still I have managed to find some little bits that are thoughful and I know she will like and in between  writing this am hunting for an exciting restaurant to go to for her birthday.  I know the right thing will appear and it will also be special as its our last night in Tokyo.

We will be staying in Ueno so getting a link back for Narita will be not too difficult.

The hardest thing will be leaving for the airport...E and I have both started feeling a bit sad that we are leaving.

Still in UK there are lots of things to look forward to and more importantly things that need to be done.  I have a website to launch as well as have my second Charing Cross appointment.  As chest surgery is needed to be sorted out this year.

On the day of my Charing Cross appointment also marks exactly six months on T. To which I shall mark in solitude with a nice coffee and a cake from Ottolenghi.  His cakes are wonderful but I only want one of his because he is handsome and my inner gay boy fancies him.

Otherwise I would bake a cake but then I don't want to get fat or be accused of making everyone else fat around me either.  Especially when January is diet month for most.

This month is also my legal birthday as well, but everyone is always skint around that time so will think of something low key and as financially accessible to do or might just have a very quiet affair.

I am 28 this year after all and my next big birthday shall be when I am 30. To which I hope I have a few personal things sorted out by then. Still like everything else it's all in progress and there is always more that can be built and improved upon.