Monday, 16 January 2012

Miss Leng Leng Returns!

She seems to have made a triumphant return to my prescriptions this week.  With not one more thing dispensed to that name but three.

I felt like something above me was mocking me and having a good old laugh at the same time.

Miss Leng Leng...the sheer name and stance of it is enough to make me feel repulsed from the inside.  Yes I used the word repulsed because the side of me that thought it was funny is now starting to feel less enthused by this fuck up.

Yet the comedy name has its uses and seems to generate a few laughs and awareness to what a screwed situation this is.

What bores me about this is knowing that it's all about waiting and some department having the right form, the right box ticked before commencing a next stage in being able to safely categorise me so that way I can continue my life as smoothly and peacefully as I can.

This is what I hope.

Otherwise I think I shall invest in some ping pong balls and suck it up and spit it out in my own special way. Perhaps in the realm of my fantasies but nevertheless this will be acted out somewhere.

My sense of humor will return soon enough too once I lift out of whatever mood I'm in.  I say this as I write this my mood has dipped a bit from what it has been the last few days. I don't feel that some aspects of my life seem to want to work in my favor right now at all and I am in a situation (not related to Miss Leng Leng) where I would just like there to sometimes be a bit of let up or space for me to be and express myself without some obstacle getting in the way.

I feel a mixture of all sorts.  Some of this is because my pre-birthday freak out is looming.  I didn't like my birthday much last year for various reasons and this year I am feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing.  I feel very torn about a number of things right now and I know that the only person who can pull me out of this is myself.

I know once it comes I will feel fine but in the meantime I have to ride this out.  Especially as the only person who can help me right now is me.  Even if other people could help I don't want to rely on other people.

My mind blip and slight anguish will pass.  The nagging feelings of things I need to do and things I want to be will get done by the time I am 30.  Only there is a side of me that wants to feel a level of accomplishment with one or two personal goals now.

Instead of achieving it I feel slightly frozen right now, paralysed by the sheer thoughts that are swirling around in my head right now.

A little switch off is required and will happen.  Rebalance will occur and all shall be right again, I know it I just need the process to happen.

I have that next appointment on my mind too.  I know I will get what I need form the service and I am in a position where I will be able to weigh up a few more options, yet there is a part of me that feels slightly concerned that they will reject something I need.

Given the stage I am at in my T cycle right now has left me feeling quite lethargic both physically and emotionally and right now I feel awful.  I don't feel very loved or special and I know rationally that this isn;t the case but it doesn't stop these feelings and therefore the added extra annoyance of feeling lonely yet rationally I live in a house of six people.

I see people every day.

I hear them, I talk to them yet I still feel lonely.

In terms of my immediate goals that I want to achieve I have a website to get up. More projects to make. Have the Birthday.  Get next shot. Apply for GRC. Continue paperchase with NHS to get proper name on everything.

Long term I want to find a way of pulling myself out of dippy moods ideally before they happen and learn to frown less.

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