Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Waiting For The Break

My voice is deepening a lot at the moment which is really nice.  I am not squeaking half as much as I thought I would and if I have the odd moment i do find it funny so all in all that is a bit of a relief.

The only discomforts at the moment is that I keep feeling my throat being really scratchy but luckily I don't seem to have any glands raised or any indicators that this is what it is, but I could be wrong. I just don't want to get ill right before my birthday as that would really suck .

But I will keep having lemsip as a precaution as I recently had antibiotics so might have weakened my immune system. I have a felt more run down but can't work out of it's the T or if it's just this time of year.  I had some hairs growing a bit more on my arms last week and found my arm really hurt from where coarser hair was trying to come through, but that made me feel a bit like a wimp.  Oh and my right arm keeps getting pins and needles and my hand goes numb.

I think I might have knocked something though.

Either ways things will rectify themselves and my body is craving rest more than anything else only there is a lot to do.

Christmas and New Year were amazing and being in Japan was wonderful but I feel since the middle of December I have just been go-go-go-go and I feel really tired sometimes.  Still I will get some rest soon and am taking whatever rest I can at the moment in the interim as well as making sure stuff gets done that needs doing.

I am also taking as much mental space as I can.  I have a lot on my mind at the moment and I have my Charing Cross appointment next week which is now starting to weigh on my mind, as those kinds of appointments always make me wobble a bit. 

I hate feeling like I have to prove myself to medical professionals and that what I need relies on them.  I hate relying on anyone. It's a strange feeling that consumes me sometimes but I hate feeling that I need anyone.

I am aware that I am a bit strange sometimes.

For example I spend a good chunk of my life avoiding relationships, yet at the same time I want to marry one day and when in a relationship I will quite often be in one for quite a significant period of time. When in one I will want to be committed, ideally live with the person and have a nice harmony, still manage to balance off seeing someone regularly with managing to date them like we first met each other...well that's my ideal.

I have been with E now for coming up to 2 years. I've never had a relationship go past two years really so would like to find a way of making it last and maintaining mutual happiness, and experiencing longevity.

I see people that marry or want to marry and seem to have that harmony formula sorted and don't seem to worry like I do.  But then I do recon some people have similar anxieties, only they don't seem to talk about it.

Relationships do consume a lot of my thoughts.  I like to feel close to people I care about and feel that they want to be close to me. Hence why fluctuations in a relationship with someone that is a friend or family can feel really horrible sometimes. I used to feel really unsettled by it but now I feel better at not feeling so awful if something isn't what it was. 

I find it's best to make the most of what is happening currently and to look after and nurture relationships and friendships but sometimes things change and that isn't such a bad thing.

in 2009 when I started transitioning I made a deal with myself and that was not to be scared about facing things in life.  So far it has gone well.  I don't feel that things scare me as much as they used to and I sometimes feel a bit freaked out or weirded out by certain situations but I refuse to freeze.

If I stop in that type of situation then anxiety or negativity wins.

Still the more toward the end of my twenties I come the more confident I am becoming.  Even if it feels like its happening in mini steps.

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