Wednesday, 25 January 2012


It would seem that I survived 27.  I knew it would be a momentous year in some respects and 2011 certainly provided me with many different hurdles to conquer.

But I got through it and did what needed to be done.

At the same time it pushed me further into the man I am now. I don’t feel like the scared little flower that feels lost. I feel a lot more confident and self assured.  More so than I have ever felt before.

I think there is a bit of a T-Surge happening at the time of writing this, but at the same time I am enjoying the energy that comes with it. It’s nice to be in a position whereby I am finally starting to feel positive thoughts towards myself, and others.

I can actually feel people’s kindness more than I used to.

For many years I hated myself with a passion.  I found myself very unattractive and felt like I was trapped in the wrong identity. I would go out and get as drunk as possible at times to numb myself off and help me forget that I was stuck in the shell I was in.

In my earlier twenties I was a walking hemorrhaging lump. There were things that happened when I was younger that shouldn’t have and I was trying to gloss over what it was. 

This was sandwiched in-between trying to be comfortable being female yet feeling gay and knowing that I liked women but also thought myself a boy in many respects.

This little spiral made my head spin at the best of times. I hung out in varying company never feeling I quite fitted anywhere.  I felt a 90% fit with the lesbian community with a further 5% alignment with gay men and the remaining 5% was a very clear ‘unknown’ category in my mind.

There was something but I just didn’t know what.

It was only until 2009 that suddenly something happened towards the end of a very teary and painful summer. Yet in between that there were glimpses.  I had met L in that time and was dating her after my relationship with S ended.  After that I was celibate for 3 months then after seeing L in what was an open situation, I only slept with a further 2 people before I started seeing E.

This was a bit of a change from the old me that would have as many one-night stands as was humanly possible.  One thing that was clear in all of this; I was horny but I didn’t want to be massively close with people.

I am not against casual sex or one night stands or flings; if they are straightforward, honest and unapologetic then fine.

I don’t agree with headfuck flings that get unnecessarily complicated or over emotionally loaded where it need not be the case but that is a different rant altogether.

I also don’t believe in having a relationship for the sake of having one either. It’s a waste of time if anything else.  That to me is like self imposed prison.

But then I never did quite do things by the book or was much of a crowd pleaser.

This years birthday was one of the best I have ever had.

I got to see most of the people I wanted to see.  I didn’t feel so anxious or stressed like I usually do before a birthday.  I saw 90% of the friends I wanted to see.  I had a great meal with family the night before and a relatively relaxed day in the build up to birthday happening.

All I had to do in terms of preparation was to supply a list of people to invite and then E and K finished off some of the invitations and E organized where we would be eating and going to afterwards.

Couldn’t ask for anything better than that really.

I received some very thoughtful gifts from my friends too which was really touching.  I wasn’t expecting presents but it’s always nice to be pleasantly surprised. 

Reading through a lot of my cards was really nice and made me feel rather loved which is always welcome.

I don’t know what has happened inside but I can honestly say that for what feels like one of the first times in my life I actually feel happy, as in really happy and it’s a sustained happy.

I have things that irritate me but overall my heart feels content. 

If there are things that are negative I feel I am moving into a position whereby I can find a way to make things better or can find a way to positively change a situation. 

If it means I remove myself then that too is an option that I am not scared to incorporate if it means that it benefits the entire situation as a whole.

Since taking testosterone I am feeling it is helping my confidence grow in a way that I needed it to.  I also think physically I pass more for male, which has helped me feel more complete within my identity.  I have a Male passport and documents as to who I say I am.

All of these things are important, as I am who I say I am. Feeling that I am living an honest life is very important to me.

This comes up a lot but then if you’ve only had one identity then I don’t expect you to understand this.

If you’re comfortable being who you were born as then I commend that, but if not then you can change things if you really want that.  The more people I meet who have transitioned the more positive I feel about this.

The main thing I have embraced recently is that I have done the right thing and knowing this has made it easier for me to progress with other things as I feel I am steering myself onto the correct course I need to be on for the rest of my life.

I am also starting to find that there is less negativity around me because I am happier within myself, so perhaps I am not noticing it as much or because I know what it is like I know how to handle that.

Depression is something that I do have, but I have recently started learning how to handle it a lot better than I did before and now I just want to continue doing that as I know that if I have a down day or a stress filled day that I can handle it and I can emerge.

It feels like it’s time to do so.  I’m not finishing there though.  I have other plans too but will see how next few months go before I start phasing them in.

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