Friday, 3 February 2012


I seem to be thinking in number right now, but then certain milestones are attached to having a number.

As I write this I am sat in a hotel room in Verona, trying to get my feet to defrost as well as my fingers.  I brought E and I here to celebrate our two year anniversary.  Luckily with being at the two year stage means that there is a comfortable distance to be had where you can be sat in the same room not saying a word whilst there is space to read or write contently.

The first bit of this trip also hasn't been overly blissful.

Forget falling hearts and cheesy music following us around everywhere. I nearly made us miss a flight by screwing up what time we were leaving. Although we met separately it was my f*ck up that was nearly a big screw up. I also had a nightmare journey too and circumstances that only seem to happen when you're late already and it feels like everything in conspiring to make anything you do as difficult as possible.  I arrived at Gatwick and managed to get the bag in just as the cut off was happening.  It also appears that I may have misplaced E's boarding card and in not realising how easy it was to get a new one I strolled through security and she had a few problems on her side. But luckily managed to get through in the end and by the end of it was wanting to wring my neck. Then we arrive here and the whole hotel booking system screws up and everyone is waiting.  In this time its also approaching the time that we were meant to be going out to the restaurant I had booked but we still had luggage and no room.

Still we managed to get there on time, and had a wonderful meal. With that we relaxed.  Things felt more anniversary-like there were smiles, there was laughter and a lifting in what was a very stressful day.

We woke up cuddled, felt relaxed as we have both been really tired.  Then another bombshell occured.  In the midst of the chaos of yesterday I ended up losing E's anniversary card.  She had a lovely one with flamingos on and I had lost my one I had for her.

After some period of discomfort things soon settled.

Didn't help there being a major feeling of failure on my part.  As for the most part I consider myself to be an organized and dependable type of person.  I very rarely have scatty moments and have never missed a flight or had any silliness attached to traveling anywhere. 

When it comes to cards I have always remembered them for the most part (never forgotten an anniversary/Birthday of a partner) and generally feel that there are some things I am good at.

But the last 24 hours has felt like a complete fail in some areas and the gutting thing in this has been that I wanted it to be special and really nice.  Still following anything associated to yesterday everything has been nice (despite the sub zero) temperatures and we haven't killed one another.

So within that, there are some saving graces.

We also still love each other and won't be coming home on separate flights!

Oh and amongst what was happening last night I realized that my testosterone levels appear to be dipping a lot as well.  As I had a bit of spotting - like a period was spoiling to come which I found odd. It did freak me out as I haven't had anything like that since the end of September so this jolt back to what felt like womanhood was a bit alien.

Even now I am convinced that I have had some fat going back to my thighs and hips which might be the case of may be slightly psycho-sematic given the circumstances.  The faux period also seems to have disaapeared for now but might make me want to discuss my dosages of T.  Such as is it possible to go 10 weekly rather than 12 weekly?

I will sort these things out soon enough, such as the nagging the authorities to remove the name of 'Miss Leng Leng' from my documents and sort out physio for my arms as right now my fingers get numb a lot and it looks likely that some form of RSI is emerging from computer usage, but as it stands Mr Leng Montgomery needs a referral and not Miss Leng Leng.

Also the website I have been working on 'Pull The Other One' has entered it's soft launch stage and have been awaiting feedback from our first batch of testers. The last week for final prep for that has been really stressful.  I have found myself laying awake in the middle of the night pondering if it will work/how to make it better/will it be well received and a million and one other thoughts.

The added extra of working with family on this project I think acts as a blessing and a curse. It's great that there is a security in knowing one another, loving each other and really being able to understand one another.

On the other side feeling the pressure of letting someone down to you that is related to you really sucks.  As not always understanding work colleagues is one thing but if it's family then this can be a bit odd. 

Still thankfully there hasn't been anything too scary, but just had a few feelings that I wasn't expecting to have.  But then this is something to be expected when trying something for the first time. If it isn't known then you don't always know how it is going to pan out or how you will end up feeling.

Now it's in testing mode there can be more focus on when we hard launch.

The project has taught me many things every day and I feel I am gaining a greater understanding of working with other people as well as working on my own and in different environments.  I am also glad to be doing something which does relate vaguely to my degree, as so many people that graduated at the same time as me have had to deviate from what they wanted to do because of the recession and the job market right now.

So for whatever grumble or strange thought I remember this and it grounds me. 

I still feel a burning pressure in me but then I think that will always be there.  I should also remember my age in comparison to some of my peers who are older than me and therefore have been around longer to have clearly defined and carved out career plans.

I am 28 and with that leave me a bit of time in which to get myself planted on the course that I want to take in life. I am getting there slowly, but surely.  I know I want to achieve certain things but I don't feel so worried about them happening at certain intervals.

I always said I wanted to be married by the time I am 30.  I still want marriage one day but am happy to wait a bit before that happens, as I would prefer to feel I have met someone and spent a lot of time with them and experienced whatever life can throw at us and come through the other side. That is as important as having a fancy day and some jewellery on my finger.

I also want to have had my chest surgery and swam in the sea and be curled up with them feeling that I am the new me rather than the old me.

The old me I walk further and further from, so within that I have to be certain that it is Leng and not the remnants of my previous self and identity.  As right now whilst I am in flux I am aware that this is the risk that I take.

On a positive note, when E and I first met each other I was 6 months into my transition, I wasn't taking hormones and now I sit as someone who is and our relationship is still close.  We have had a couple of ups and downs as most relationships go through.  Had people be a bit naughty around us, but any bullshit or manipulations haven't worked, nor have any people's nonsense caused ripples in our relationship.

This has mostly been down to the fact that we discuss and talk about things very clearly and openly.  This has felt like one of the purest relationships I have had whereby there haven't been too many hidden agenda's, emotional immaturity and also very good chemistry.

In some relationships certain people are great as individuals but together they have atrocious energy - or some couples literally bring out the worst aspects of one another.

I would say that E and I bring out the evolving sides of each other.  If ever either of us pisses the other one off or starts displaying unsavory behaviour we both have a bit of a frown, or even a growl but then that is addressed and we work on stuff either alone or together.

Since being with her I feel I communicate a lot better than I used to, because she is good at being quite bold in how she operates.

Since being with me I would say that E listens a bit more to people and has become less bossy...but actually I think her new job is to praise in that one as she has lots of people to boss around every day and by the time she comes home she has let it all out of her system.

I am amazed that two years has passed so quickly but at the same time it feels sometimes like it was only yesterday we met then at other times its like we met years ago.  It is a strange feeling.

One thing is for sure, given the times we kept bumping into each other and the massive magnetism we had instantly, I am glad that this is still the case now.

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