I have been having a moment whereby I feel like I am a caterpillar, wrapped in a cocoon waiting to become a butterfly.
I am currently waiting for an NHS card, and once I have that I can send that to Charing Cross and they can commence with writing my referral to my GP for a surgeon suggestion and then we can continue that back and forth and see what the PCT has to say about that. I have started saving for my surgery regardless so that at some point this year I can have my chest surgery.
I have to do it this year, I can't go three years in a binder and I just want to move on from having breasts. I have every positivity but at the same time there is a part of me that is doubting if things will really work or will there be more hurdles.
I am feeling really tired right now as I have many things whirring around in my head. Work/Transition/Love/Friendships/Relationships are all moving around in a merry go 'round. I sometimes just dream of being far away from everything familiar so that I have time to myself and space to think. Luckily this is something that won't be going on for too long and I know that this is reactive from just feeling a bit in limbo right now. As well as slightly fried.
I want things to work and plough on so that I can be at my next point and feel that I am making a new movement with my transition and not just feeling like I am waiting for the future. I don't like that at all.
I had an injection last week and I don't know why but for some reason it feels a bit like when I had my very first one whereby it took a while to feel that it was doing anything as I feel tired all the time and would happily sleep all the time if I had the time to do so.
Still I will have a surge soon enough and once that happens I will have a load more energy and impetus to do a lot more than what I am doing right now.
There are things happening, I just feel like I am in limbo. I also want to feel more content and for that to happen it means waiting on a few other things to change as well. There is a slight lonely feeling had within this but then this too is another thing that comes with differing stages of transition. Also to do with time of the year, this stage things feel embryonic, slow and sometimes depressing.
I'm not depressed or have anything like that, just have an urge to hibernate and crave more sunlight in the day which is starting to happen. I just want to feel more energized rather than energy zapped.
Still it's a phase that is happening and there is the awareness on that front so that is good I suppose.
In the meantime whilst the hormones take effect I feel like I am in an adolescent spiral. Again it's something that will pass but it feels strange. The exhausted feeling, curiosity about life and the questioning about what 'The Next Step' is and waiting for it to happen.
Only this time around I pay rent and I have credit cards and can go out whenever I like...yet really value having chill time inside.
This is what makes me happy aside being in the company of lovely people.
I have phases where I feel a bit more like a hermit, but then I don't see the point in going out for the sake of being out. With my friend K it's nice going to the pub with a scrabble board in tow. Or I might opt for a quiet drink, brunch or something that isn't massive night out clubbing...not because I am against clubbing but there aren't many clubs that interest me anymore.
Still it's a sign that certain tastes change.
The clubs I like tend to be in other cities, such as Berlin but I go to them once or twice a year and that actually is a nice thing as it makes it more special.
In the meantime there are plenty of other things to keep me busy and the feeling of catching up on lost sleep.