Red Tape

I feel that for every step I take forwards there are another two back.  To be fair in life there will be many processes that shall be irritating, time consuming and laborious.  I haven't bought a house, but if I do I am sure there will be enough surprises on trying to complete.

Right now with the NHS I feel like I am having my very own cat and mouse game going on.

This morning my new NHS card arrived, which thankfully had the correct name of Mr Leng Montgomery on it.

It also informs me who my new surgery have placed me with.  As the rather snotty receptionist in there made it very clear that I would be assigned a person and that I couldn't choose a doctor. She also didn't move once off her chair and moved around like the Flintsones do in their modes of transportation. That receptionist was rude and unhelpful to quite a large degree and right now if I didn't need to be at a surgery so badly I would have told her where to stick her attitude.

Still the inner voice in me told me to be polite, not to rise to someone being such an obnoxious %^*! and remain patient.

Patience...that old chestnut.

I tried calling the surgery for an appointment and although checking that there opening times are correct, it keeps saying that they are closed and that there is an out of hours contact number to use.  I phoned that and this isn't working either. Now since phoning and writing this the timings state now that it is actually closed.

Which yes I am aware this is small and trivial but over the past 4 months I have had to put up with having the wrong name assigned to me, being struck off one GP place due to moving but I hadn't switched because of the name issue which the GP advised me to remain at that surgery until this was corrected.  There still has been no answer as to why my name was changed into a name that has never existed.

The new surgery has the rudest receptionist on the planet.

I miss my old surgery.

I am in the middle of getting some important referrals and need to make an appointment and nothing in place there will let me, bar breaking down the door and demanding one.

I am still agitated that with Charing Cross they need everything in writing and have a really snotty person on the phone there as well.

I also feel under the weather and just want things to be simple.  I get very irritated when I do all of the things I am supposed to do and its other infrastructures and systems working against this.  It isn't right and it's stressful when a load of paper shufflers get to play God as to what happens next transition wise for me.

I feel run down and under the weather right now and haven't slept properly for 4 days now. SO that too isn't helping.

Since taking T I have put some weight on which has prompted me to feel quite anxious and insecure about how I look but have started dieting a little, exercising and in a month or so the benefits should start to show.

Taking T does come with a side effect of some weight gain so I suppose it's about being extra strict and the people who have bodies I desire to have are constantly exercising so I suppose that this is what I have to be doing if I want to have the right body shape that is comfortable with me.

In 2009 I lost weight and continued to lose weight and that changed the shape of my body and was used to feeling super trim.  Then I started taking T which started making parts of me become broader and more solid bit changed how my fat started distributing itself.

This literally did feed a bit of some of the body dysmorphic feelings I already have. I feel like I have turned into a beached whale and again have started disliking my reflection in the mirror.  I know that to get to where I want to be it will require a lot of discipline and work.

The stricter I am with myself will yield the results I desire. I know rationally I have to remind myself that gaining weight doesn't mean I am a failure or that I have ruined anything because I haven't. But at the same time anyone who has embarked on serious weight management or has had a bad body image associated to being overweight (where they aren't comfortable with it) might too share similar feelings.

I feel a bit lost within my whole body and being right now. I feel positive and confident that I can make changes though and with the latest load of annoyances I know that I just need to focus and to plough that energy into making something positive come of it.

I refuse to freeze or sit still with this. If I do that then I won't make any progress and this will leave me feeling unhappy which I don't want to give into.

Life isn't always easy or straightforward nor is it going to be.

I just want to feel a bit less stressed.

Work wise I have a few things that are in progress and I know that the changes can come well from all of that. They will come like that, I just have to shake off a bit of the negativity that I am currently experiencing right now .

In the meantime there are other things I am working on as well so I am not sitting idle.

Today is just a day whereby I feel a little bit agitated by everything, but at least the sun is shining so a nice walk soon might be in order.