Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Reckoner

I have chosen this as a title as it's one of my favorite songs by Radiohead that I have been listening to a lot recently.

I feel as if I am on the crest of a wave that is about to splash everywhere.

My life is going to get very busy from now on until I don't know anymore.  Not just with work and stuff regarding the website but with life. Hitting 28 has made a few thoughts a lot louder and certain things are starting to resonate in a way they didn't before.

My main priorities now are to sort out my Gender Reassignment Certificate. So that I can get a new birth certificate and means I can do things such as marry if I wanted to.  But before I can do that I have to make sure my name is correct on my medical documents.  I also need the new NHS number too.  As Charing Cross have approved me to have a referral to one of their surgeons but I can't do any of this without having correct details and being in the correct PCT to where I live. 

Because of where I live now I technically can't have the same GP any more.  Only until I have a new NHS number it will be a pain in the backside to do my moving to a new doctor.  Especially given I am in the middle of a hormone cycle and dialogue with Charing Cross and my current GP is only just starting to become established.

I was very lucky to have a GP that was so thoughtful and persistent in making sure I got what I needed in terms of support for my transition. I do feel nervous about who I will end up with next as some GP's aren't massively supportive or willing to be as helpful as perhaps they could be.  It's not like writing a referral for physio for example.

Still, I won't assume the worst in the medical profession as so far I have found I have been pleasantly surprised, and although I don't believe in being complacent, I think it's good to have a realistic interpretation of things.

I know that every step of the way I have a to push a bit more in some areas and just let time take it's course. Hormones wise I feel I am getting used to the cycle a bit more. I can feel when I am surging and when I am running low. I am starting to identify a bit better with my moods as to what is hormone induced and what is me being a pr*ck.

One thing that is lovely about my feelings since I did start taking hormones and that is it gave me the little lift that I needed.  I pass better and don't have too many people mistaking me for a woman anymore.

It's still a bit uncomfortable when I see myself naked as I see things that shouldn't be there and since my hormone levels dropped I started thinking I was a super curvy woman in shape again.  But also I know I have put a bit of weight on again.

Once I start exercising good and proper again that will be fine.

I also need to change what I am eating as T makes me hungrier than I used to be.  But these are things that can easily be remedied.

If I want to eat like a bastard then I need to exercise like one.  It's also good for body and mind.

I also need to start doing prep for fact that towards end of the year it is looking likely that surgery is going to happen.  Yet I don't want to raise my hope, but is good to start getting prepared. Especially as I have to start working on creating a flatter stomach, and that shall also entail doing exercises for the abs which aren't really my thing.

Although after going to a spin class recently, this opened my eyes to something that is a good first step in abdominal exercise that I actually enjoyed. I just need to focus, apply myself, and in a few months time I will have a better looking body.


When I am exercising more I feel happier and less stressed about what I eat and how I am looking, so really I should follow that formula a bit more. As well as incorporate other elements into what makes me happy.

We only get one life, and I feel it should be spent trying to do positive things (I don't mean that in a happy-clappy sense) as being miserable takes up too much time and energy.

I say this as someone who does have clinical depression. 

I feel there have been times in my life whereby I have wasted entire chunks because I caved in to certain feelings and patterns of behaviour.

Now I am learning how to keep out of some habits and although I feel that I am a bit more set apart from people at least I know that every day I am free. As I am not weighed down under the pressure of trying to be something or someone I am not.

Who I am right now, might well be likened to marmite, but I can honestly say that I can sleep every night with a clear conscience and that I don't push others down to be where I am now.

The only people that I am bothered about liking me are people that I respect. If I don't respect them then I find it easier not to give a sh*t.

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