Wednesday, 15 December 2010

On Side

I never fail to be pleasantly surprised by my GP.  I arrived home today to discover he had written to me. Explaining that he had taken time to research things about referral processes, and he even added that he had intentionally omitted specific details from the letter to me but also said I could get in touch with him if I wanted to talk about anything.

He really is a nice chap, and does seem proactive about things.  I think it's a shame that we become predisposed to expecting health services to be useless.  Still I am lucky to have a GP like him that seems to want to assist with my transitioning process.

It makes me feel a bit better about it and it's nice knowing that I don't have to claw my way through that as well. I may not be passing well at the moment but at least my GP wants to help. It's also something that is positive.

I like the warmth that comes with that.

Had a nice lunch with my Mum today and all was well, waitress very chatty and all felt nice until the end when she called us both ladies. Still It made me think of a few things.

Firstly when in public I have to remember to drop my voice more and perhaps alter my body language slightly.  I think soon I will go to a cafe and people watch and observe how men sit, and express themselves.

The same happened in a shop today too, as I bought something was called sir, felt happy with that and then the shop assistant apologised and changed name to 'madam'. There was also a big queue behind me and I did feel a little bit embarrassed, yet at the same time I accept that this seems to be the norm. I am convinced they can small oestrogen coming from me and it's something I have to swallow.

It is a bitter pill and it does make me feel like shit but at the same time a part of me in a slight flouncy sense is starting to think and feel that I shouldn't expect to pass and maybe take it as a bonus when I do pass.

Who knows?

I know I am sensitive to it at the moment too, so perhaps on that scale I have to find ways not to feel as if I have been slapped in the face whenever that happens. Not everything is easy and some of this I feel is a lesson from somewhere that is pushing me and I feel I am learning something.  I need to learn to be less sensitive.

There is a part of me I know I need to switch off as I feel that is what is giving me away. I sometimes wish I wasn't so sensitive to things - that is the difference to being a boy to being a man. The infant state of Leng seems to want to be nurtured yet I don't quite know in what way.

It's also something you don't exactly say you need. Females in a strereotypical way are ones that we are socially conditioned to protect and in some ways 'look after'.  Yet men are meant to be bashed and knocked around because men are not supposed to have feelings or vulnerabilities it seems.

The conundrum continues and I will ascertain what exactly it is that is happening.  Until then I have to grit my teeth, keep thinking forward and remember to breathe and reflect on how well I have done rather than think of where I think I am failing.

In this past year I have experienced a lot and am doing a lot and that is how I like things to be. The world doesn't stop moving or changing and neither do we as people.

The key in all of this is not to submit to allowing negative feelings to consume from the inside.  It is a battle right now but I know I will win, because one thing in all of this is that I didn't decide to transition for nothing.  The feelings I have, didn't come from nowhere and this isn't a phase.

If it was a phase I would have stopped, but I am determined to keep going and along the way of this journey there are going to be bumps and I will have to take the odd knock.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Piggy In The Middle

I feel like I am in the middle. I know I have said before that I feel I am between two genders and I think at present the feelings around that are really starting to come to a head.  I'm also still confused about one or two things. My sense of connection with a lot of things feels disjointed and a spark I feel a lot of the time is somewhat diluted.

Still I know it's a phase I am going through, and although not pleasant I don't want to turn into a miser about it all. I did choose this and I do want to change things about myself and who I am. It's not always a walk in the sunshine.

This is the thing with life, we never truly know what is around the corner or what surprises it may or may not have in store for us.

It sounds quite negative in some respects, but with some of what I am feeling right now I am starting to think that it is part of some of the transitioning process. This is what happens when a person is stuck in the middle and patience is required in order to work out what is needed next and also how to process and cope with things going on. It's also offered me a slight push as to what I am going to do next with all of this. I actually don't know. I've come very far in some respects but then there is a part of me that is thinking what am I doing? I feel out of place with myself more than anything else.

I don't even know what I need right now, realistically.  I would like to not feel pain and feel that I am sinking because there are certain days where I start to feel petrified that my whole world is going to crash and burn. I worry my connections with friends and people close to me are diluting and all in all this disjointed feeling is making me feel lonely and in a lot of ways invisible. I say invisible as I sometimes find that I behave in certain ways that I feel is for the benefit of others. Partly because I don't want to upset people or drive them away with my own crap. It's not fair on them.

With it being party season everyone is in that mode, which is great.  I feel vestiges of it but also there are parts of me that feel more and more alone. It's a weird sensation to have and feels wrong on so many levels.  I know I have great friends, people who care about me a lot but at the same time I feel very lonely on the inside.  I feel everyone has a nice connection with the world apart from me. I feel a sense of disconnection because I don't feel comfortable with myself.

Right now I don't care who knows this from who doesn't anymore.  I can't hide it well anyway. On a positive note I know that once I find my own comfortable space again I will feel ok. I will stop feeling this asphyxiation and I will stop feeling so heavy on the inside.

I hate knowing that there is a negative cloud lingering over my head, I find it quite irritating as I know that I am not a miserable git, I remind myself in almost mantra style that life is wonderful and great and many other things but this feeling in the middle thing is really hurting for some reason.

With some patience I know I can make this stop, and I will.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Jingle All The Way...

The festive season has arrived and already I can see cash evaporating before my very eyes.  This is with the proviso of being careful.  Still I have decided that next year will be different, such as starting any shopping I have really early, like what I used to do.  Still, it's not a bad problem as such, I am just increasingly aware that this time of year gets expensive in terms of being out more, and the pressures to be doing more or the expectation that because it's December that everyone shall be on a splurgeathon.

Still it's good to enjoy one's self too, but that to me doesn't have to come from spending lots of money.  I find sometimes some of the best things to be had and experienced come from enjoying things such as spending time with friends, having coffee, meeting up in someones house stuff like that.

I also love ritzy exciting nights too as well as having something to look forward to as well.  That to me is a wonderful thing, looking forward to things and planning things, but not to the point whereby there is no space left for something spontaneous to happen.  The truth is we never fully know what will happen next or will be around the corner.

Life definitely works in mysterious ways sometimes. For the good or bad it has taught me one thing well and that is never to become overly complacent. But sometimes I do have to remind myself not to go too much of the other way either whereby I forget to enjoy and embrace what is happening presently either.

I find balancing lots of things is sometimes slightly challenging as I know that at some stage I will end up contradicting myself.


I'm not against it with others but for me it really scares me.  There are already a few biological things changing in me right now that I can feel and there are certain things that T would accelerate in me. To what extent I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to find out as I still feel unsure as to who I am and what I am doing in terms of transitioning.

But then I have started to feel a curiosity as to what would happen if I took a bit...I know the changes wouldn't be dramatic or as effective if I was to take it for 6 months or even a year.  But I am sometimes curious as to what it would be like.  I know I will have to find a few people willing to chat to me about it more before I make any informed decisions.  Also I would want to make sure I wasn't tempted to try it out of it being a reaction to feeling I am not passing well as male.

I hate the whole pressure surrounding wanting to pass and I am aware that sometimes I can be a little bit reactive to a situation. But at the same time we all react in different ways but for me something that is important is maintaining that I am doing things out of choice and not out to succumbing to any pressures.  Changing anything about an identity is no easy task and it's also a very individual and personal process. I'm also aware that if I was to start taking hormones, that by no direct means holds the keys to my inner happiness.  That shall always come from within and also come from how strong my desire is to be happy.

Presently I'm not the happiest I have been but at the same time I am not miserable either, but currently residing somewhere in the middle. With how hectic this month is already a part of me is seeking some quiet time.  I know that this will happen over Xmas as things tend to slow down and also Xmas day and Boxing day are always quiet and in some senses 'Dead Days' I know I will get to turn my brain off a little then and not feel that I am a machine that is continually whirring...well not at the rate it has been anyhow.  I am always plotting and full of thoughts.  That will never change.

What I do with my thoughts and how I apply them next is what I would consider phase two of my own development. I don't really depend on anyone to help me or provide me with answers with a lot of this stuff as people don't or won't.  I also think it's important to not rely on others and to not rely on the protection of others.

But the only downside is that it does feel really lonely sometimes and I do feel a bit isolated at times from this.  I know today I am definitely feeling it a bit, but at the same time I know in my heart that I will get through this and that its good that I am doing this mostly alone.

I feel as if there isn't much that anyone could or would be able to help with realistically, especially as I haven't quite figured out yet what I am doing in regard to a number of things right now.  Because of this I do silence myself in regard to a few things as there isn't a point trying to explore something that I either don't understand or just feel.  Without it having a rational route around it.

For example I sometimes have days whereby I feel pain on the inside and it would be for no apparent reason.  But something inside hurts.  I also sometimes get thoughts whereby I feel I am not so close to people I care about or that they don't care which again I know factually isn't true but at the same time sometimes certain feelings make no sense, and at present a lot of what I feel makes very little sense.  Other than things I know I am 100% clear on.  Thankfully I am not feeling confused when it comes to other matters of the heart so that is a comfort.

I do however feel I have lost a bit of my inner sparkle and I would like that back.  This confused silent standoff that is currently taking place in my heart is making me feel that I am set slightly apart from others, and ultimately I know that is pulling down on me a little.

Still like any negative feeling on the inside the key is to manage it, acknowledge it but to work against it and not let it win.  Especially as the roots of it are born from something relatively straightforward.

The answers and resolve I am seeking will come to me, but I just have to be a little bit more patient and remember to pay attention to what is going on. Otherwise I will sink if I don't look for solutions as to how to progress with all of this.

Thursday, 2 December 2010


It sounds like a University marking scheme but this week it seems the story of my life. I am convinced that my masculine armour is failing me.  Either that or people can smell my oestrogen.  I haven't passed on trains, in a couple of shops now and even in a restaurant.

The exposed slightly 'ashamed' feeling that I seem to feel really baffles me as I freeze.  I know I should drop my voice a bit and correct someone but in those situations I feel as if I have been punched in the stomach and I also feel very exposed.

I also find myself picking faults within myself...I think to myself that I should have binded my chest better, made my voice more masculine, maybe worn more scent, made my hair look more manly...or perhaps that I need to lose more weight so that I don't have any feminine curves or much shape around my face, and try and look like a boney man, well without going completely anorexic.

I am feeling right now that I am in a no man's land, quite literally.  Instead I flit between the gender camps like some rogue renegade that isn't part of either gender camp.  It is exciting to be different but it can feel a bit lonely too. Every journey will be individual and unique to each person but sometimes I feel I am on the outside of a bubble looking in. I am seeking some sort of internal validation but I just wish I knew what it was exactly.  I know I could then make a lot more sense to as in a situation like this if people don't have a clue or I can't explain well enough about what is happening then how will anyone know? Why should they understand either?

People owe me nothing in terms of support.  I need to understand more from within and I hate to feel I do rely on people.  But there is a part of me that is struggling a little but the really irritating thing is that I so far can't exactly identify what.  This is starting to bug me on a scale that I didn't quite realise.

On having a lovely chocolately biscuit fuelled conversation with a great friend of mine, I did find a few things coming up.  This did feel like a relief, and I felt I was getting a little bit closer to what it is bubbling away in this internal stew.

But it's not all doom and gloom, certain things are hurting now but I refuse to feel flattened by it.  I can't operate like that otherwise I wouldn't get up in the morning and this is a right of passage.  I am sure every person that has changed gender or questioned their gender has encountered some stage of feeling odd and out of place. It can be scary but at the same time I will make sure I face as many fears as possible and just be honest with myself.

I confirmed my appointment today for the 18th of January so I will be preparing for that.  I know by the time comes I have some time to think and consider what I might be feeling or what I might understand in a more clear manner then.

I also have Christmas to think about too.  I have about 3 presents to buy (about 20 I have fastasized about) and so far am not feeling as hating of the period as I usually do.  Also this year I am excited about on some levels.  It will be the first one in years I will be celebrating with a partner for the actual day which will be nice. I also have a few things up my sleeve then but given certain eyes read my blog I shall divulge or not as the case maybe.

But my main points of survival right now are to breathe a lot, drink tea and try not to be hard on myself.  The answers I am seeking will come but I know I have to bite down and take the rough with the smooth.