Sunday, 12 February 2012


I've been on testosterone for 6 months now and there are some side effects I am getting from it that I really can't stand.

I have recently discovered that I have put on 5kg and I hate it.  I feel like a balloon.
The cold weather is really getting to me as it makes me feel hungrier.
I don't feel very strong (physically) right now
I have painful acne on my back
I need a haircut urgently
I had a T shot and am now entering a phase whereby I feel a bit delicate

I just feel really whingy and irritable today and reminiscent that I am a teenager again...oh yes hormonal load wise I actually am!

I kind of feel like I am a too big for my skin so am wriggling around in a slightly uncomfortable way. It's not the end of the world, I know rationally nothing is the end of the world, I just feel really 'meh' right now if I was to pin-point a mood.

There is lots to smile and be happy about, to which I do, but the past couple of days I am experiencing a near floaty- like state and I don't know what to do with myself.

Starting Monday I think heavy duty new diet and exercise regime needs kick starting and I think every time I want to eat I should try something radical like having a glass of water beforehand.

I know that some of the reason I have slipped is because I have deviated slightly from how I was eating for a while which was being super strict and the rest of the time making sure I ate f*ck all.  That is the key to being thin.

Still skinnier than what I am right now is what I want to be, not because of society putting any pressure on me but because medically I want to get smaller on my BMI as currently I am 2.5 points over what I should be and with my body type I have to be super strict otherwise I end up piling weight back on.

In the run up prep for surgery I need to be super lean and trim.  I should work more on my abs, as when I haven't got binders to wear any longer I don't want to be showing off having a spare tyre.

I have managed to lose 3 stone before so I think losing 1 stone right now isn't going to kill me and is perfectly possible - I just need to be really strict for a while and learn to say no to things more. I can do this and I will do this as I refuse to feel horrible about something I have the power to put right.

I will, as right now I don't want to add to my already body dismorphic thoughts and feelings so need some discipline and a kick up the bum and all shall be well once again.

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