Monday, 5 March 2012

Low Expectations

It sounds a bit cynical and perhaps slightly negative but recently I have started lowering my expectations out of situations in order to feel pleasantly surprised.  So far, so good.

I have been trialing this for the last two weeks so early days on that front.

Last week I met my new GP who seemed willing to want to help.  It might have been me but I felt she was a bit nervous at the same time but then my translation of ‘nerves’ could have been the fact that she only had ten minutes to see me and there was a massive queue of people waiting to see her? 

Who knows.  I can't be bothered to analyze what it could be and just take note of the positive things that came from this. 

It was a good initial meeting which was useful to have as Charing Cross haven’t been in touch with her yet, but they will soon. So it helps that we have met and spoken in this interim period.  Was also good to make sure my prescription for Nebido was set up too as irritating admin type things like this can be a pain otherwise.

I would use the term ‘pain in the ass’ but Nebido is literally a pain in the ass and a necessary one at that. Without it, I wouldn’t get my burgeoning hulk physique nor would I be able to pass half as well on account of having a lower voice.

I am starting to hit the mid point of my cycle, which is feeling a little more comfortable in some respects, yet in others I still feel slightly out of kilter. I am having bloods taken soon so will see what my hormone levels are doing. It will be interesting; especially as there are some days I feel I have nothing in my system and other times I feel I am firing from all cylinders.  

Still, I prefer to know the fact rather than an assumption and in the meantime continue to develop.

I am behind with a few goals I have made recently so really have to refocus my energies there. But on a positive note, I am feeling less tired than I have done over the past few weeks so that will make things a bit easier.  For the next few weeks I need to plot a few things out and just lock myself away and write.

The film festival is happening at the end of the month, which I am looking forward to, but until then March has had a few nice things happen already and other things to be looking forward to.

Over the weekend it was the Boychild’s first birthday, which was rather sweet and very busy.  I don’t know that many 1 year olds that have a giant entourage by default.

I made his birthday cake, which did bring me great pride and it was an absolute pleasure to make.  It had limoncello, polenta, almonds, mascarpone and lemon curd amongst some of the ingredients and from what people told me it tasted good.  I also made a giant brownie and a coconut jam sponge which was neatly diced up and dished out.

I have never made a 1st birthday cake before so that will always be especially memorable to me.

I think the little one had a nice one.  It’s an interesting stage that he is currently at – whereby he can’t fully walk or talk yet but he wants to, and with that comes an obvious tension at times.

Still by this time next year he will be zipping around the place like there is no tomorrow! I am intrigued as to how he shall grow up. What will he like (aside pears, bananas and his Mummy’s bosom) Will he be brash? Will he be sensitive?  Who knows? I suppose all of these questions shall answer themselves over time.

Fortunately in the time he has been in my care he has still remained intact and I feel I have made a bond with him. I genuinely care about him and if I don’t see him for a while then I have found myself missing him.

I have on occasion described him as the ‘magic baby’ and I still stick to that.  Not just on account of his smile that can melt the most hardened of hearts but he has a warmth about him and a charm that makes you like him even if you are not a baby person.

I still don’t consider myself to be a baby person.  I tolerate other babies, I will give a bit more time to babies that are had by my friends but just any old strangers baby and I can’t say I find myself enthused.

Nor do I think I want my own. I have moments where I think yes, and then others where I think no. I like being an uncle. That is a place that makes me feel comfortable, and gives some level of flexibility.

It also allows me to maintain a nice lifestyle,  which is something that is important to me.

But I am also aware that these feelings could change.  I didn’t want to take hormones straight away but here I am 6 months into taking testosterone.

Never say never I suppose. 

Even if the thought of becoming a parent freaks me out. Saying that plenty of things freak me out.

For example being in a relationship...even though I one day want marriage, commitment and the whole nine yards, I still panic when I am intimately entwined with someone. It is like a game of push/pull that only I seem to be playing with myself. 

If things are meant to happen in life (such as a little Monty or a Mrs Montgomery) then it shall.  For the meanwhile I will focus on other things such as getting career and body on target and seeing as much of the world as I can before it eats itself.

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