Thursday, 15 March 2012


There is still more waiting upon me right now.  Especially where Charing Cross is concerned.  They were all set to send my referral when I was struck off at my previous GP.  I re-registered with a new doctor, have sent my papers to Charing Cross confirming new NHS number, who my doctor is and nothing.  They wouldn't discuss or confirm if they had received these details from me over the phone. So I am left with what feels like a stalemate situation on my part.

I am feeling stressed at all of these changes in the pipeline that are coming up where NHS is concerned as I know that it won't be as straightforward to go about having some of the access to services that I require. 

My few options left are to try again to contact my doctor who I have emailed. Or to show up there and demand to speak to the service manager there. If they can give me a referral letter then I am happy to take it to my GP but other than what I am doing I don't know what else I am supposed to do other than bang my head against the desk repeatedly.

I have also enquired about having a private appointment with my doctor there which isn't ideal but if it means I can get come contact and closer access then so be it.  I refuse to give up where this is concerned and I feel I shall only complain if I have exhausted every single possibility that I can either afford or have the power to potentially change. 

I would have registered with a new surgery a whole lot faster if the health authority hadn't changed my name to Miss Leng Leng on everything.

Miss Leng Leng has brought me nothing but complications, delays and hassle.

This galvanises to me even more that being a female is a time consuming inconvenience where my life is concerned anyway!

But before someone reads this and thinks I am a woman hater, I am not. I am being tongue in cheek.

Patience is required but I am aware that there is a clock ticking. This September will mark 3 years of binding every day which isn't good for my body.  I am squashing my internal organs on a daily basis, I am also losing some of my sensitivity on my right side.  I also now get pins and needles in my hands and legs every single day now which is uncomfortable. But that isn't associated to binding.  

I had some blood tests done this week and given how super quick my new surgery is at giving appointments with my GP the next available time to see her is on the 26th. So yes, more waiting. Within the blood tests they did a hormonal levels check too so will be good to have some up to date records of what my hormone levels are like, especially as now I am at 7 months of taking Testosterone.

I have been spending some of my time working and writing some new content and material based on what is in my mind right now. There are so many thoughts bubbling around and now I am working out how to make them happen, get them out and making them make sense.

My body and mind both feel very crowded and busy right now.  I am happy that I am not feeling depressed or having a period of feeling miserable.  I just feel that I don't have much space in my head for myself right now, as there is always something that needs to be done or requires attention.

I am left feeling that I can't breathe sometimes because I feel so busy, but at the same time I remember to drink lots of water and to plough on with any task in hand. Right now there are plenty of things that require a lot of planning, patience and determination. I just crave a little space that I know is my own, and won't be tainted by something or someone else just some time soon.

There is something I need to do soon that relates back to being a child. I know I need to make that happen before Summer and I will. It shall be a situation whereby I take at least 6 hours where I won't have contact with anyone, there will be no distractions but just me and what I need to do. 

I am looking forward to that. When I get time to action that.

In the meantime there are other things that take priority in thoughts and actions right now.

One thing that has become acute recently and that is I feel a lot different.  I can't describe how but I feel something has changed from within and I enjoy that yet am studying it too.  I feel like I am stepping around cautiously so that I don't disturb what feels like something setting inside of me. I feel connected and wanting intimacy more than I used to.

I feel closer to who I am which is quite nice, as transition has at times left me feeling segregated from who I am.  At least when I have been looking after or been around the Boychild it has given me moments whereby I have felt very much on par with him.  In the sense of trying to make sense of the world and environment around him. De-coding situations, places, people...I understand on some levels.  Only difference is I can walk, talk, feed, bathe and clothe myself.

I am three years into a transition and like him a one year old boy. It's funny how it manifests its way in different expressions huh?

Still spending time with him makes my mind sharpen and for some reason things don't seem as stressful anymore whenever I see him. Perhaps because his needs are more complex, or just a little snuggle or a smile from him is enough to melt the heart of anyone.  Even stone statues.

Still there is a feeling that I am solo right now even though I see people every day.  If I don't sleep with E, there is usually her grabbing my foot first thing in the morning, or curling up on me, cuddling and squeezing me tight like I am a giant teddy bear sometimes that she keeps clamped to her body. We also wake together a lot too but that changes and I like it like that.

I like that some nights we sleep apart.  Especially as for me it is important to feel that I am someone's lover as well as their boyfriend. I like feeling 'invited' to see her and that I am a guest to her space, just as I do the same with her.

I love sleeping with her when it feels like a choice. But the rest of the time I do relish time spent sleeping alone.  Especially when my cycle is doing something as I become fidgety and restless and I hate feeling uncomfortable or that I am disturbing someone else.

It is nice to sometimes find that I can be me, and feel at peace within that.

The most liberating thing I think I can say that I realised was that I feel happy in a genuine sense. I don't feel inhibited by the past or that things are pulling me down.  If stressful things are occurring I always find a way of solving the problem or doing the best that I can do.  Sometimes things do go wrong or mess up but I am trying not to become consumed by bitterness or resentment and instead I try and forge out something that can work with what I have around me at a given time.

It's a bit like cooking, and discovering that the ideal set of ingredients aren't available so making the best with what you have. It also allows a person to experience something new as well, without feeling like the world is going to end because of what has just happened.

Perhaps this sounds simplistic but it is so easy to fall into very binary ways of thinking and feeling.

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