Monday, 13 September 2010


Usually I used to find the month of September an uneventful time but since last year September shall always be special to me as this was when all my changes started.

I remember this time last year (on this day) I was photographing a wedding, I was surrounded by lovely queer folk and I was gearing up to visit San Francisco, alone. I was excited, nervous and thought my search of queer adventures abroad would be fulfilling and exciting.  I had also just started dating someone who is now a really good friend of mine and someone I work with fantastically.

But yes, with my trip there was when Bean gave me an old binder and I haven't taken it off since (metaphorically). It took until December before I started being known as Leng to everyone. But I shall feel that my transitionary birthday shall always be September 18th.

I haven't updated in a while because I have been so busy, having more foreign adventures (this time we were in Berlin) and I have also been working lots too.  I feel as if I have a never ending pile of work but one day I shall be clear.  If I put in the hours and make the right contacts then I shall be square. The anxiety that comes with doing something new for once isn't holding me back but it is making me feel a strong sense of wanting everything to work. I want something to stand by in the next 6 months and show that since University I am doing something with my life and that the magical thing known as a 'career' is something taking place.

We now have business cards that look amazing (E designed them) and I need to have something solid to show people soon so that all of these things we are doing are not in vain. I don't believe in that. I am also feeling a nagging something within me to make something of myself and to create something.  I know I am capable of these things, to be entirely honest the only thing holding me back now would be myself and I can't afford to fuck up on that kind of level. Nor do I want to. 

I also don't want to be one of those people who talk about their grand plans of life and never make anything materialise from that. Again that is something that does pop up in my mind quite frequently. 

The more I see friends of mine buying houses, getting married, having children, buying another kitten or traveling the world it is making some clock inside me tick louder. I sometimes feel that I am behind in terms of achievement but then I do remind myself that quite a lot of my friends are older than me so of course we won't be in the same place in terms of career, love, life and relationships.  Despite my grey hairs I remind myself that I am only 26, but that to me doesn't matter.  I need to work hard to make sure I achieve what I want.

Certain things I do think about and would like out of life I know shall mostly be debated by fate. Especially when you have a life that is so fast changing sometimes. Bu at the same time I am so glad that I have left some elements of my previous life behind as I wasn't happy. At least now I know I am living the life that is right for me, I am loved and I am feeling it a whole lot more than I ever did before.  I also feel I love with more of a whole heart as I feel I am growing more into the person that I have always been underneath various layers of confusion and fat.

The scales have been very kind with me lately and finally I am starting to feel more comfortable in my physical skin - with exception to having breasts but they will be removed one day so for the time being I try and think about parts of me that I do like and that I am comfortable about. 

I do this as I know that otherwise I would drive myself (as well as others around me) up the wall. Although that sometimes can't be avoided I try not to do things deliberately as I think it is important to take responsibility for one's own actions as much as possible.

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