I am 1!

It's a bit odd to be writing this as a one year old man. Almost makes me feel like I am potty trained or something like that. Still, it makes sense in its own little way.  This weekend I became 1, and it has been an interesting year.  I wonder what else the year has in store for me, but then I always have thoughts like that surrounding any type of birthday and it's nice to have another birthday that isn't in Winter. 

I had a lovely week in the run up to my birthday. E took me to the River Cafe for dinner and it was amazing.  I wrote a review about it and I could easily go there once a week if finances permitted. I can also see what the fuss about the place is and I can also see from reading the cookbooks why Nigella Lawson said she could "cook her way through the book and never get bored" or words to that effect.

Over the weekend I saw some old friends who are getting married next weekend and saw the venue for their ceremony and it was lovely.  Also spent the weekend watching lots of films as E wasn't feeling so well but was also nice to chill and not do much other than mentally map the odd work thing and watch more DVDs. I have fallen in love with the film place at the bottom of my street as it is only a tenner a month for unlimited rentals which is very credit crunch friendly I must say and also with Winter looming I do sometimes hermit a bit and at least watching stuff gives access to a bit more culture. Also where films are concerned I feel I am massively behind in terms of what I have seen from what I haven't seen, but I suppose books are like that too.

We could read and watch everything yet still feel a slight deficit but at the same time it's important to enrich and expand the mind and look outwards instead of inwards.

That is something I haven't always got right but like anything it's a process of learning and where the will starts the mind and action follows. I do sometimes get moments where I feel like a piece of shit but at the same time I know the only person who can change that is myself and logically there is a willful determination not to feel like a piece of shit or want to feel that way.

It's not always easy but then in comparison to many things everyone has their own things to deal with and learn from. Especially when you are in your mid-twenties.  In many ways I see it almost like a second adolescence before you hit your thirties whereby some of your shit gets ironed out more.  Well I have noticed that a bit from people I have noticed that have departed their twenties at least.

It's also the time where the fruits of your labour have started paying off too, for those that are heavily focussed on job, house and money etc. I do have certain things in my minds eye as to where I want to be but I also have other goals too.

I like having them as that way I know where I'm at and it also gives me a sense of structure to what I am working towards and what I shall achieve within that. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for me. It also is something that makes me happy.

To be happy and content that is also something that comes from within. Also something that an individual must want otherwise you will be trapped. Just like to love to one's full capacity there has to be an open heart. But that is a puzzle we work with all the time.

Fear is the main thing that holds us back and sometimes I get sick of feeling weighed down by fear, but the frustration comes from knowing that I allowed myself to feel it in the first place.  It still doesn't mean I will become naive and pretend things aren't happening but shit sometimes does happen in life but it's how we deal with it all and cope that matters.  That is how we survive.

I also think it's wise to be patient with certain things too.  In a sense I am glad I am not having surgery straight away as I know when it comes to do it I shall be ready and would have lived longer in role and I will know for definite that this is what I really want.  Desire is there of course and I really can't wait for the day that I shall just be able to wear clothes without a binder underneath but until then I need to work hard to change my body and make it more of what I want it to be.

I won't be taking the Sinitta approach though.

My current method is working so far.  I'm now the slimmest I have ever been and I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with myself as a result and the changes I have made I am pleased that I have done it myself.

My plans for this next year shall be work, work and more work! But then I will be glad when the website I am working on content for shall be launched and then the 'live' work from that shall start. It's interesting as I am not sure where it will go but I like that it is something fresh and new and within that there is always something that spirals from it.