This was bulk of my day. But something that has stuck is the fact that I had a referral letter from my GP for a psychiatrist in January. I didn't have to get him to chase it up following a rejection from Charing Cross clinic. On the basis that they had no psychiatric records of me. Also this confirms that I have a 'Gender Disorder'. That in itself is really not feeling very comfortable on the inside right now. I feel like a cat that has been dunked in a bucket of water.
I do feel slightly nervous about this as well as thinking to myself ARGH! This has made everything feel very suddenly real. It isn't helpful that right now I am stuck in a temporary vacuum of 'Who am I?' Once again, but at the same time I know that this will get better soon. This is normal for a situation whereby you are changing who you are and where you can feel you are changing from who you were.
This will sound really petty but recently I have boycotted one of my local shops all because the man in there always calls me "madam". Before, things like that didn't upset me too much but always getting called by the wrong pronoun by that shop has put me off them. To be fair even when I did identify as female I never looked like a "madam" so why the fuck would I do so now? I hate feeling that I have been 'exposed' by that type of omission.
I know that perhaps he might be trying to be politically correct etc but I don't want to sit down and explain gender differences to him either. I think that is some of the issue, I don't want to feel that I am explaining myself away. I know I do that enough to begin with and a lot of trans people have had to put up with this. Also anyone who does have a different gender representation from the norm. I know some people will not understand it. There are things I am still in the process of learning how to understand as well but some things don't feel good and this is one of them.
I work very hard to appear as male as possible. I drop my voice, I exercise a lot, I try not to eat much sometimes, not just to save money but to also alleviate having too many female curves as I know this affects how well and how much I pass.
This might sound a bit horrible to read but it's the truth. I try to stay away from words and writing stuff that sounds too negative, especially if I feel not as happy as usual, but at the same time this is my blog and I will always be honest here. I write this as a document of how my life is and not just to please or humour people.
I also don't like being overly dishonest. I don't see the point.
Some of my fears I am currently feeling I am sure every transitioning person has gone through. I have had paranoid moments of thinking that the psychiatrist will think I am a fraud, or that he won't believe I have a gender disorder. Although to start with I don't think I do. I am male, just with female bits. I wish I would have never been breasts or had to tick the female gender box. 'Mr' is a better way to desccrive me than 'Miss'. I just hope that is understood.
I really do. Otherwise I don't know what else I am expected to do at this current stage. Still will cross that bridge when I come to it. Like with most things and with this in particular I know that this will be a predominantly solitary journey as only I can make sense of some of this stuff. Other people I know have either worked through a lot of this or are very comfortable and happy in their own gender.
Right now I am confused on quite a scale. The fact I have drank a skinful of booze when I first started writing this has made it a little more bearable. But inside something is disconnecting from me. I feel it and a part of me wishes to run far and then hide. That way I know I am not bothering anyone. I won't be bringing negativity unto anyone else either. Yet at the same time I seek a sense of reassurance and warmth, but I know that there are a few things to do with this that I have to deal with alone.
I was recently told by someone who didn't mean this in a nasty way but they said that when they look at me they could see how vulnerable I am in some ways. This has stuck with me as I feel like I have a lingering fart following me around from that omission. I hate to feel I am looked at like that and it ties in with something someone else I know says and that is "It's better to have people be scared of you than feeling sorry for you". I really don't want people to ever feel that nor do I want to be seen as vulnerable. But the fact is how does a man be tough without acting like a prick?
So many exhibits of strong masculine behaviour I have found has tended to feed into really bad gender stereotyped behaviour. Sensitive men are seen as a bunch of quivering pansies to which I think is wrong. Not all males were designed to be a brutus maximus or a macho man. Feeling I have pressures of new found gender stereotypes to now conform to makes me want to hang myself. (oh and for the record that is not something that I am intending on doing even if Sarah Palin is elected into power)
Some guys have feelings too and aren't just cold hearted, emotionally shut off beings. Nor should that be a stereotyped way of behaving either. I have met many women who are cold and unemotional. I sometimes envy that.
Yet at heart that isn't me. Whoever that person emerging might be.
That is something that offers comfort, particularly when feeling slightly confused. It's good to know what you're not before you can think about what you are.