Tuesday, 2 November 2010


I am sensing that a little seasonal discomfort is bubbling up.  The weather is getting colder, we have less daylight and I keep alternating between having thoughts of wanting to hermit and hide to wanting to be surrounded by lovely people. To which is working out nicely.

My mind dips sometimes, especially when there is a seasonal change and I feel it a little right now.  I also don't feel very attractive, I sometimes think I am a bloated whale that weighs ten tonnes but I know that is because my time of the month is upon me. I also need a haircut (which is being remedied on Thursday). Sometimes I hate the hormonal feelings that come with menstruation as well as the sensitivities that accompany it. That frustrates me massively, especially when I am experiencing it and then a few hours or a day later everything is fine. But when experiencing the initial feelings it feels like hell. Having some female feelings sometimes really is a pain in the arse.

I saw an elderly lady on her own the other day and I wanted to cry as I felt a sense of sorrow for the fact that she was alone and didn't have anyone to shop with her and accompany her and couldn't quite figure out where those feelings came from.  I then felt silly for feeling so sensitive about it. I still feel a bit confused.

I want to feel less sometimes, and less affected by what people sometimes say and do or even just the environment I am in.  But saying that I will never be made out of stone.  That isn't who I am, but re-reading that I suppose its a case of not jumping from one extreme to another.

That to me is futile and something I know I have to try not to do.

It's very easy to jump between black and white thoughts but the world isn't like that and life, more importantly doesn't work in that way.  Well it can, but it would mean excluding a lot of things and a lot of experiences.

I can't see that being an option for me...I seem to be attracted to doing things the interestingly complicated way.  But fortunately I haven't experienced too much drama from that, but at the same time I  don't go out looking for it nor invite it wherever possible. Also I am a little bit older, have learned how not to take crap and also how not to take too much responsibility for things that really aren't my thing.

It does take some learning and not being in one's early, early twenties really helps.  I sometimes cringe when I think back to being 21 as in many ways I was still such a child.  I also used to drink too much and from that I think that was a big reason I was meeting people out and about that wouldn't really be my cup of tea now nor would I be theirs.

Still it's all learning and memories.  I am glad I have started do things that are a lot more positive and that I live a much more positive life as that is something I think ultimately everyone would like but its how they go about it.

I don't believe that happiness comes from just getting what you want out of life all the time but it can help, and also depends on which way it occurs.  I find quite a lot of people to be very self centred in a lot of ways yet at the same time we are humans and in some ways programmed that way.  As a species we are egotistical and selfish and think we own the planet.

There are some individuals that I have encountered in life who also seem to think that way too.  Still there are some differences to be had and there will always be differences between groups of people and personality types.

Someone like me would be considered too 'soft' for some if they were seeking a bold, brash, swaggering lothario.  Ok maybe I am not selling myself very well here or presenting myself as someone that is a wimp but I know I'm not.  I feel in some ways I am less performative about who I am in some respects.

Still observing other types of people never fails to interest me.  Ever since I was very young I always wondered why people behave in certain ways.  Such as why would there always be that one child who wanted to show off at any given moment or would command the entire attention from the room?

Then there was a child like me that used to be a bit shy and liked attention yet at the same time never wanted the full gaze of attention solely on me.

I think that is what drew me closely to photography, as I liked that I could be in the middle of things but still at a slight distance.

Some things never seem to change.

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