I feel very different at the moment but in a way whereby I am not feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't have a sense of anxiety, or any feeling of negativity but I feel like something inside me has stabilised. Whatever has been pushing at me and yanking my chain from within seems to have fallen asleep.
Still whatever it is I am happy about it. As always there are things I seek to achieve and would desire but at the same time I also feel a sense of satisfaction with how my life is for the most part. Also I have been reading a lot of news lately. I look at around 10-20 news based websites and blogs a day and I must say it has really widened my scope and opened my mind as to what is happening in the world.
A few things have gone into a sense of perspective. The world isn't always a nice place and right now there are many things that a person could be depressed about or bogged down by but I think the key to some elements of happiness is the will to want to be happy but also to look at things in context.
Right now in my life I have all the elements that make me happy, I have shelter, food, warmth and love. I also can choose to be the person I am, as well as have choices about a number of different things. Something of which isn't a reality for everyone. Therefore I try and focus on what I do have rather than what I don't. I am not talking in terms of material possessions either.
There are things I desire but am happy to wait for it as that not only is the position I have to accept but also it's something I can aim for. Nothing in life is as 'instant' as we would necessarily be led to believe. I really want to step up changing my name as I feel it's time but on the other hand it isn't going to kill me if I have to wait another couple of months before that happens.
There is a lot of work on at the moment with stuff I am doing for the website before it launches, and things to set up there. I also want to expand on a few ideas too and see how they can be produced so that too occupies a lot of my mind.
I refuse to give into certain types of negative thinking at the moment. I realised a little while ago that I was easily seduced by certain thoughts which in turn meant certain parts of me could potentially stagnate. I can't get closer to 30 thinking in what I see as immature ways anymore.
I also don't want this in the make up of my new identity wherever possible. I do feel that if I am changing in every other way then now is the time to actively let go of parts of me that seemed to take a masochistic pleasure in feeling awful.
I'm never going to be a Happy-Go-Lucky type that will be irritatingly unrealistic in seeing the world through rose tinted glasses but at the same time it doesn't mean I have to be a miserable bastard either. It's about balance.
Life to me is about making it the best you can and utilising the tools you are provided with in order to make things work, without it being at too much of an emotional cost to others. I find it's to easy to be very selfish and to only think of how everything serves a purpose to the self. To some degree we need a touch of that but at the same time there is no need to be an arse about it either or do things that willfully hurt others.
That is something I find hard to identify with. I'm no angel though. Like anyone I know I could piss someone off easily and in the past I know I have upset people before but a willingness to learn from things like that I think helps. I don't want to be the person I used to be as whenever I think of that time I feel trapped and confused.
Only now are a few things making sense as is having the confidence to really be honest with myself and be my true self - these are the attributes that make me feel that I am growing.
I am sure there is a point in here somewhere but for the most part this afternoon I seem to have many words and many thoughts.