Monday, 11 October 2010

Alive and Kicking

Following my last post about health I am happy to report that everything is fine.  So nothing more to worry about anymore and I don't have a heavy horrible feeling inside anymore.  I am also pleased that I don't have anyone worrying about me either as I don't like being the source of something like that.

I would also like to take the opportunity to thank E, my family and friends for their lovely text messages, emails and phone calls. I really did appreciate it. 

Still on the subject of moving on and breathing a sigh of relief, have started going to the gym as I am on a mission to regain a bit of strength that I am still lacking at the moment. I do feel a little run down so some of my usual output is affected but I haven't stopped exercising I just have to do things a bit differently.

Today I did well, did quite a lot of work on the weights.  I have also done a few more weights in the house and some sit ups and press ups.

Tomorrow I will play squash after lunch so that shall provide a little extra cardio in my exercise routine and will be nice to spend time with my sibling S as well.  I will beat her one of these days but until then I shall make sure I exercise to enjoy doing what I am doing.

For the last few weeks I have been steadily losing around 1kg a week and ideally I would like to lose another 5 or at least feel I have shed more as I am still seeing not enough change in some parts of my body but at the same time I know that with hard work it will go.  I have also limited what I have been eating which on some days is fine but other days it gets boring and I know I will have to watch that a little otherwise deciding on what I will eat will become either tedious or irritating for those around me.

Weirdly I have found that since I started working from home I eat a lot less as most of the time I forget to eat or I have to really make myself do it.  At least if I have people coming in the evening or meetings in the day with people I find I eat better and with structure too.

Still it will work itself out.  I'm still adjusting to how my body is now and I will get there.  I know rationally I am not the size I used to be but certain things don't seem to be showing any difference.  I keep thinking I have a larger belly and thighs but then even when I was very thin as a child I remember thinking I had huge legs then.

As long as I keep exercising I know I will be ok and with that I know I will be keeping my weight down I also want to have ore energy and strength but I think that shall come when there is a bit more of adjustment to the seasonal change we are currently experiencing.  I find between seasons (esp the Wintry ones) I want to hermit and hibernate but I won't! I do have some exciting things planned this month in terms of film festivals coming up and stuff like that but I also need to conserve cash at the moment too so will look forward to having dinner party type things as well and just not partying all the time but seeing people in a more qualitative way. That to me is important as I think I would go a bit stir crazy if I didn't see my friends or E at varying points in the week.

Living alone and working alone is a completely different discipline in itself. I know I am getting used to that but at the same time I really enjoy it - in term of work.  Sometimes I feel a bit of cabin fever if I don't have any physical contact with someone but at the same time at least if I want company I can have it! But the same applies with space too.

Things do change though.  One day I could be living with someone or just live in a giant house with many rooms and only me in it.  I don't like the thought of that as recently the inner thoughts that surround having a house, wife and possibly children started ticking on my mind.  But at the same time I have little phases where these thoughts really hang around.

Still fate and time shall decide whether or not I shall have those things in life, and also I have been to a wedding recently, seen lots of wedding photographs and keep seeing through my facebook newsfeed that more and more people I know are either engaged, married, having kids or just popped out a sprog so really there is no escaping it.

For those who aren't they seem to have bought their own place, started baking or they have cats.

Everyone is growing up: I'm going to be 27 in January which is actually quite soon, come to think of it and within that I know that it means I am getting closer to the big 3-0 to which there are certain goals I want to have accomplished by then or I know I will be massively pissed off with myself.

Still the weight target is going well and now I have extended my goal now to go from 70kg to 65kg so that will give me something to work to and let's see if I can do it. Ideally before Christmas but after the festive period it will allow a bit of grace especially when there will be nice food that I won't be not eating. As I do love food a lot.

In my house forget porn mags I have millions of food magazines and I love reading about recipes and I do love cooking and eating.  I just have to control how much it likes me.

Keeping my body as it is now is important to me, especially as it helps in my transitioning as I don't have so many curves when I am slimmer.  I also want a bit more muscle definition and to feel that I have the shape that matches my mental image.  I'm almost there just have a bit more work to do on that.

But like a lot of things, time, effort and patience is what is required - bit like with some work things I am sorting through at the moment.  I need to find more content for my site as well as to network and collaborate with the right people.  All of which is happening but it's taking it's time and there are some people I know that are already 'on board' so to speak but with some others it will be a process of time and also once we launch I know people will have a clearer picture as to what we are about.  I really want this to work and I believe in it so that is good it's just like anything, you don't know what it will be like until it's turned out.

Once I completed a few projects at uni and released them I found my feelings and energy changed as not only was it made but it was pushed to its next level. That is what I need to push on with right now and I am doing so.

Everything shall fall into place soon enough.  Things are already happening but it's one little wave at a time.

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