Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Waiting

I have been having one of those days today whereby a few things are just not making full sense and also a couple of other things are in limbo.  I've realised that limbo is a place and state that I am really quite uncomfortable with as it leaves space for potential speculation as well as just the thought of "what if?" Still I have learned a really good grounding technique of wanting to only concentrate on things happening that are actual fact rather than speculation.

So far it is working well but at the same time there is a mass of other thoughts that I am processing and dealing with and I know that following a health appointment on Thursday I shall either have a few things either confirmed or reassured.

It's annoying feeling that there could be something that is wrong, also having a feeling that something already is wrong.  Feeling under the weather too really isn't helpful at this stage either as I keep reminding myself that I am alive and I am not going to be ill. I really don't like the thought of that and if something is wrong then I shall have to deal with that and I can.  

Fortunately I have a mindset that is quite black and white when it comes to things like this, but with anything medical I can't stand the thought of either not knowing or as a good friend of mine would say all of this "hoo hah" over something that potentially be nothing.

But then there is the little niggling part that has that ever so unhelpful suggestive tone of "what if?" So far if I have had that moment then it has constituted of "What If?" can Fuck Off. It has worked well so far. But on the other scale I have found myself having more thoughts that surround experiencing and maintaining my goals of what I want to have out of life and what I want to create.

Nothing like a bit of a sense of mortality for sharpening the brain.  Which perhaps sounds a little morbid but it its true that we only get one life.

It makes me take note and account of times that I have been depressed and that I have had chunks of times whereby I feel I have wasted life a little down to stopping moving.  But at the same time these things do happen as do theses thoughts and no one is perfect and I am a firm believer that we learn from our experiences and respective histories.

Life is one of those ever evolving things and experiences that we have either individually and collectively do shape and mould us as people. If we don't get a knock or just live in a bubble then reality I think will bite you far harder than if you fall on your arse at least once in your life.

Still when everything is flux it's important to remember what you hold dear, who you love, who you care about and what it is you care about.  These are my main thoughts at the moment and that is what I concentrate on.

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