Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Work....

This has been one rather busy week in terms of doing bits and pieces. If people think I sit around on my backside at home doing very little then think again! Still one benefit is that I do get to work at home but it doesn't mean I do any less compared to someone who clocks into an office everyday. 

In any work situation there are pro's and cons.  On major pro in my work is that it means I tend to eat less as working mostly alone means I am not distracted by other people's appetites or using the lunch slot not just for refuel but for a mini escape.

I don't really have that, but isolation is quite high and sometimes I feel vestiges of cabin fever setting in but for the most part it's ok.  There are days that lots of people are around too so I suppose I get to experience the best of both worlds.

I have been learning many new things lately as to how to work alone, how to work when setting something up from scratch and learning what works from what doesn't.  It is a continual process but I am feeling a sense of satisfaction as well as structure from what we are doing and what we hope to achieve.

Everything I do has to have some element of plan or goal about it at the end, well when it comes to career anyhow as these structures offer me a strong sense of security.  I have a few other plans too but as of yet I am not going to discuss them as I need to see how a few things pan out before I move to them.

Like most things it's about finishing one stage before I do the next.  Speaking of which I must say how much praise I have for my GP.  He is very good at getting on with what is needed.  Charing Cross sent a letter to me but because I have no psychiatric reports yet they won't admit me.  Still it's fine as I know I have to see Doctor Curtis.  I really want to now but have to save up the money in order to see him otherwise the other things I want won't be materialising in a hurry.

Still it's nice to know what I have to plan and sort out for phase two of my transition.  Phase one was living in role for a year.  Phase two shall comprise of seeing Doctor Curtis and changing my name, bank stuff and starting the legal changing of my gender. Phase three shall be the day when I have my top surgery.

I decided to break it into stages as it makes it easier and also allows me to do everything one step at a time as I know then that I would be ready for it.  The sense of urgency, well not exactly urgency...I'm not going to die or anything like that but perhaps I should say I have a keener attitude to want to change all my documents now as I feel odd every time I see 'Miss' on documents as well as putting an F in a box when it comes to describing my gender.  It's also a pain in the arse sometimes as yes biologically I am female bodied but I am starting to feel more and more weirded out about having breasts when I look masculine on the outside.

Still that is what happens if you are born in the wrong body. Although I must say that I do like having a cunt.  That I have no issue with but then I do see myself as a queer man. I don't have an attitude of I AM MAN (well unless I'm right about something :P) but I like the versatility that comes with being able to have a cock as well as a cunt.

Those are my feelings. Just as I know everything is experienced differently and has different meanings to other people.

When I have sex I often feel that it is a genderless expression which I love only depending on what parts of me I am using or are being used that seems to become a rather conceptual affair of the senses. I never feel that a more male or more female part of me is being stimulated.

Sexually I have always felt male so for me genitalia isn't the main focus of that expression.

Still that is how I feel about things.

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