Saturday, 24 December 2011

Christmas...Part One

In the run up to Christmas I have never felt so exhausted as I have done these past few days. Logistics wise I have been splitting my time between North and South London, feeding a cat, trying to get on with some of my work as well as make dinners, wrap presents make sure laundry is done and so on and so on…

I feel exhausted thinking about the start of the week.  But I am now at a point in which I am almost done.  Only have to do Borough Market and I am free to make a cake, some cranberry sauce and the gravy for tomorrow.  Other bits of prep are straightforward, especially as I have made a list and find it helps me focus and zone out when in a crowded situation.

So far, so good on that front.

My Mum arrives in the afternoon and I am going to have some time to myself beforehand as the Greeks are going to be out.  The Greeks consisting of E, her Mum and Dad.

It has been nice having them over, as they are relaxed and easy to be around. They have had a couple of entertaining moments but apart from that there isn’t anything that has been of stress or left me feeling exasperated.

E hasn’t had a Christmas with them in years so it’s been really nice for her to have some time with them.  Also it’s been nice to do some stuff with them but also take a bit of time out for myself. Especially as right now I am becoming slightly withdrawn and more thoughtful about a few matters.

I am always thinking about what is going to happen next in my life. 2012 I have a few more things due to happen transition wise.

On January 26th when I have my next Charing Cross appointment, which also coincides with it, being exactly 6 months on testosterone for me. When there I will look into what my surgery can take place if I choose the NHS route otherwise I will look into a private option in France.

I’m also going to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) as I will fit criteria by then. I want this so I can have a new birth certificate but also so I can marry one day.

Although I don’t have any proposals planned for E as of yet I would like it that if and when the day comes there is the freedom to be able to do so, without there being an irritating piece of admin to go through in order to achieve this.

It’s also the final side of my social transition, which I want to complete.

Then all that is left is the continuum of the physical side of my transition. I am curious and excited as to how things will be this time next year. I want things to be different and to feel closer to Monty than waiting in the shell of my old body.

The T is definitely helping some of this.

My personality is definitely starting to change, as are some of my thoughts, attitudes and tastes for things.

On the whole I have started to realize what makes me happy and how to remain happy.

This might sound a bit simplistic but without trying to sound sorry for myself  (as I don’t) I have had clinical depression since I was a teenager. For me it has become really important to work out what works in terms of keeping me positive and not feeling rubbish about life.

It has taught me not to be scared though and to confront things even if I haven’t felt strong enough to do so. Even if something hurts I try and stick it out as best I can, but that’s just my way of handling things.

I feel twice as bad if I feel I have failed.

I am far from being perfect and don’t consider myself to be perfect but I try to improve or be better wherever I can. Otherwise the default setting I have will kick in and then that won’t solve anything or improve. 

I’m also starting to become aware of my age right now. 28 may sound young but I have a lot I want to do before I am 30.  Knowing I am not such a baby anymore has given me a few things to think about in terms of aspirations of life, friends, relationships…you name it I’ve thought of it. Still some of this is part of the mystery and adventure of life. 

Only I don’t want to live with too many disruptions.

Since I moved house in May I haven’t felt like I have fully come ‘home’ yet. The place where I live now has many good points about it but it just doesn’t feel like home to me.

There have been a few really unfortunate incidents and things happen there since I moved in which have galvanized to me that this place isn’t my home and doesn’t feel like it will be.

It’s a place I live rather than a place I feel is home.

In many ways whilst experiencing some feelings of being in flux and my family life shifting too over the course of the year everything has felt displaced in some respects.

But there have been some things, which have affirmed a few things inside of me. Now it’s about finding the right time and moments in which to make movements and actions.

I am in no great hurry or feel a great sense of resentment – its more of a philosophical approach of this isn’t for me and there are more things indicating that this might not be the best situation for myself.

Still I will concentrate on that nearer the time and start refocusing my energy on goals I have ahead of me in 2012.

Oh and start some of my Christmas meal prep in the form of making some stock, cranberry sauce and baking a cake.

Whilst shamelessly basking in silence of the house I am staying in.

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